So many incredible games over so many days. It was pretty awesome. I caught most of the Thursday game which felt like it took place two weeks ago, and then a bunch of the Saturday games in between scrambling for last minute Christmas purchases and shit.

Then came Saturday where I didn't catch a whiff of NFL games until maybe 5 minutes into the Patriots game because we were over at the wife's family having an absolutely incredibly fun time. I was downing Tree House IPAs like they were the fuckin antidote. Shooting the shit with inlaws, making the little kids laugh, and generally trying not to stumble and knock over expensive furniture.

It wasn't without its challenges: the aforementioned kids, while fuckin adorable in small doses, have zero original thoughts in their head.

"Oh, Joe come on. They range from like 4 to 9-years-old."

Fuck that. These pip-squeaks come over with their fake food and just keep dropping off donut after donut after slice of cake after french fries after broccoli and think that shit is funny? Bitch, if I were an actual paying customer there is no way I'd actually pay for all that god damn food. Get off me with that shit. Overloading my plate with a bunch of garbage I didn't order isn't going to get a positive review from me. That's the shit that would motivate me to sign up for Yelp simply to leave a negative review.

And don't get me started on your fucking hide-and-seek bullshit. You stomp your asses away when some kid starts counting like they're not going to know you all went to the same fucking room upstairs? And then when some kid actually gets inspired and picks a room on the first floor and wins the round, all you god damn monsters end up copying that kid and literally all hide in that same first floor room. Don't even get me started on how you all can't seem to keep your eyes shut when you count, too. Is it so hard to fuckin count to 30?

Fuckin kids, man. So god damn adorable but for some reason they can't help but make up rules to favor themselves. Where's the compassion, diplomacy, and organizational skills? You're fuckin five-years-old, how difficult is it to understand the complexities of a scaling point system??

God damn, man. I don't know about this whole future we have upcoming.

The games

Saints @ Ramses

Rams are a team no one wants to face.

Saints are a team everyone wants to face.

Puka Nacua means no worries.

And that concludes my intensive recap of this game.

Bungles @ Steeeers

Well there’s Josh Doubs and Flacco and Browning and Wilson, Levis and Minshew and Zappe and Winston…

But do you recall? The most famous backup of all...

PS. I wish the announcers would have just shut the fuck up

Bill's @ LAClippers

So I don't get it. Are the Chargers much better than advertised? Do the Cowboys fuckin suck after their humiliating loss to the Bill's the week before? Or are the Bills just the most bi-polar fucking team in the NFL this season? What the fuck?

Oh. The Chargers fired Staley last week didn't they? Hah. Yeah this makes more sense now.

Lolts @ Failcons

Check out this behind-the-scenes shot of Minshew post-game,

God damn. What a fucking dumpster fire of two franchises.

Seadonkeys @ I forgot

You tried to run to Tennessee Tanneyhill, but you could never escape your fate as a fucking garbage quarterback.

Loins @ Vikes

RIP Buccaneers have an NFC North (Central) division win more recently than the Lions do. It was a good and mildly hilarious run.

Of course, it wasn't like the Lions didn't try to completley fuck themselves over - they are the Lions after all. Those NFL Fat Guys really need to just fall on the ball.

Commies @ Jest

Ron Rivera just kinda sucks, huh? Those Riverboat Ron memes were fun, though.

Jacoby Briskett deserves so much better.

Packpackpack @ Bear's Draft Pick

I didn't catch any of this shit, but every time I look up any sort of discussion it has everyone shitting all over Joe Barry. Like,, literally every single piece of commentary has that as the dominating topic.

I bet he doesn't survive the rest of the regular season, and there's only like two more weeks left. If the Packers make the playoffs, I'd fuckin laugh at an interim head coach leading the way into round one.

BOROWNS @ Tejans

Fuckin cut Deshaun, sign Joe Flacco, and put up his statue now. In that order.

God Hates Jags @ Buccos

Wow. NFC South has a division leader with record above .500 right now. This is indeed a disturbing universe.

But at least Tampa Bay is having fun,

STLCards @ Brrs

I do not fuckin care. Like, at all.

DaLLLLLas @ Fish

Seems like this was a good game and I should have watched it.

However, I was simply way too busy having a fucking blast and chugging delicious 7% IPAs.

Greatriots @ Land Donkeys

With the news that Russell Wilson is now going to sit for the final two games of the season so the Broncos can cut his ass in the offseason, it's just .... incredible.

Some would interpret the above image as Belichick completely grinching the Patriots from a top draft pick, and while there is some truth to that,,,

I frankly do not fucking care because I seriously hate the Broncos that much. I don't give a shit how far down the draft we fall, if we're the reason they don't make the playoffs that'll mean a 100% success on the 2023 season.

How bad could dropping out of the top 3 be anyway? How many more players does this team really need to be competitive?

Anyway: Get fucked, Denver [Broncos]. Absolutely crushing a beautiful run make sme fucking happy as shit.

If there was one significant regret, it'd be that I didn't bet on the game. Apparently, the Denver Broncos absolutely fucking hate their fans to the point where they've been ruining Christmas for years,

Rrrrrrrrraiders @ Chefs

OK MOTHER FUCKERS. PREPARE YOUR ANUS, HERE COME THE MEMES

You gotta love when the entire internet gets together to have some fun.

GEEEEE-Men @ Iggles

Just picture it:

Thousands of little guido children waking up Christmas morning, running to the tree, and unwrapping their brand new (highly expensive) Tommy DeVito jerseys. Of course, they rip that tag off, toss the jersey on, have some breakfast lasagna, and get ready for another chapter in the incredible Giants/Eagles rivalry.

And then watch their passing paisano hero get fucking salami-slammed off the field.

RIP to Italian Stereotype #84,104 Man.

Baldimore @ 9ers

I'd like to start off with a moment of silence.

OK, moment over. Time to dance on the grave of another asshole that everyone wants to be the next Tom Brady.

Enough about Borck - time to talk about winners: Llamar is 20-1 vs the NFC, with their only loss against the Giants. But I wouldn't even count that given the Giants' propensity for fucking ruining perfect record/streaks (see: What they did to Eli Manning's streak).

Semifinal Roundup

Here's your updated playoff bracket or some shit:

https://i.imgur.com/DXPzZD3.png

W - SCHWAAAAAAAB

L - Seyton Manning

Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Number one seed, and the only team to break 1900 points during the regular season, has been taken down. Has been eliminated. Has an unceremonious end to their fantasy football season. A 10-win team, taken down by a team with a lowly .500 record. This can't be true, right? There's just no way!

Well, it happened. And it's really not all that surprising because SCHWAAAAAAAAB was just a teeny tiny single point shy of 1900 points scored.

And then when you actually see the boxscore... well.. Holy fuck.

This motherfucker got 100 points alone from just his wide receivers. The terrifying part is he could have easily scored over 200 if he started Pickens and the Raiders instead of Purdy and the Jets. How the fuck do you hit 173+ with a Purdy Borck performance.

RIP Seyton Manning's 2023 season. It was a wild fuckin run with a lot of devastation left behind each week. But maybe that first round bye disrupted the week-to-week cadence. So many critics would point towards that Giants-esque boat party that saw the roster island-hop off the coast of Maine. Others would point at the lavish bar-hopping in Portland event that ultimately caused an international incident. But I would point at the week 16 boxscore.

L - Eks Gone Give it to Ya

W - The Scallywags

Yo. What the fuck.

0.18 fucking points? That's just fucking stupid. What a stupid fucking result. You both basically scored the same fucking amount of points, but because one of your asshole players fell fucking forward instead of to the side one of you gets to compete in the Awesome Finals while the other has to battle in the Pathetic Finals.

Yeah sure, I have no doubt there's quite a bit of second guessing with starting Mullens over Wilson, or leaving Flowers on the bench over Palmer, but that ain't here nor there. That's just fantasy babey. One moment, you're the only team scoring 1900 points during the regular season, the next moment you're a fuckin loser (no offense but kinda because I'm still a bitter, jealous, asshole).

To rate a loss like this is difficult, but I'm going to give it a full five on the Trevor scale,

I still can't fuckin believe it ended up like this. I mean, The Scallywags didn't even have the better 49er wide receiver and still walked away with the win.

The dude started motherfucking Jordan Addison who fuckin sucked asshole - but I guess that 2-yard reception made all the difference. Fucking insane.

Fin.

Come join us, Seyton Manning and Eks Gone Give it to Ya

And with that, week 16 is done and the holidays are almost complete - don't forget about New Year's Eve and the Epiphany (for all you religious nutbags).

I hope everyone had the opportunity to take some time off, rest up, maybe have a couple mental rest days, and is excited for the thrilling conclusion of our Fantasy Football season. I can't believe we're almost there. It almost makes me sad.

Almost.

Thankfully, we still have the real football playoffs in front of us, absolutely packed with storylines and other kind of bullshit that only reality can manifest.

So again, I hope everyone has themselves a wonderful week 17, is able to take a day or two to savor the last couple days of 2023, and realize that they matter and whatever resolution is part of 2024 can be a fuckin reality because fuck you life, you don't get to control every aspect of my life motherfucker, so enjoy my boot up your asshole.

Take care everyone, much love! See you all next year!