2026

Truck it, don't track it

[W] Matural Light [L] The Impossible Kid Uhh hrm. I guess this was kind of a close game, right? I mean, it was ~11 points which I think technically speaking was the closest of the week. But just because it was, doesn't mean this shit was remotely tense

2026

I'm a victim of circumstance

Colts vs Commies Mariota goes down, which makes way for the Grecian Sensacian - Throwdysseus. Patriots vs Bills Pardon me, I need to first get this out, Oh wait, not sure if I've fully made my point, I can't fucking believe we pulled it off again. Although

regular season

Now Banned from Performing at Gillette Stadium

Recaps Welcome back, my dudes. Not a bad showing from everyone, including those pesky NFL teams (except the greatest of them all - the Patriots). With the abysmal failing of my personal favorite baseball team at the hands of their hated rival, all I want is to be excited by one

week 2

Regretfully quitting the Ed Sheeran US tour

Welp. Another week, and another fucking column that comes out the day after the next week starts. Tough shit you fuckers. You'll be lucky to get jokes that aren't just copied from Twitter and shoehorned into recaps that don't even include the specific player.

2026

As seen at the Kennedy Center!

Welcome back, ladies and germs. It's 2026, and the time is nigh for a new fuckin season of Fantastical Football! Hopefully everyone has done their proper preparatory work and prayed to whatever deity or substation they needed to prior to the draft because y'all are fucked

2025

One out of three ain't bad

Christmas Cowboys I heard somewhere that the fucking Commanders have had eight total standalone games. What an absolute fuckin dumpster fire of a god damn schedule. Jayden gets hurt, and it surprisingly turns out that this Washington team fucking sucks. ..but not as much as being a Washington fan. Holy

2025

Merry Christmas you filthy animals

What the fuck, imgur So the free service I totally take advantage of in order to share bullshittery and memery with all you assholes is completely fucking me over right now. I can't upload any videos to it anymore - and as you all know, moving pictures are the

regular season

pee pee poo poo

OK. Well. A lot of shit happened over the last week: Football for four straight days (or three out of four for folks like myself who don't really care all that much about amateurs). At least one Thanksgiving-related celebration. Winter storm on Tuesday. And any child-borne

2025

In memory of Gobbles

Texans rustle some Bluecows ok google, show me an image that describes the Buffalo Bills' Super Bowl window, Chi-town Steamers Steelers Steelers waking up on Monday checking the standings, Haha, get fucked Steeltown Chi-town? You're one fuckin win away from the #1 seed in the

2025

These are hard to come up with

The Greatriots Rise INSUFFERABLE LEVELS ARE RISING TO UNSUSTAINABLE LEVELS 🔊 has sound 🔊 Let's fuckin gooooo. A little messy of a game, but who doesn't enjoy a little slop?? A win is a win! ¡Dios Mio, Los Delfines! Me? Tune in to a 930am game to watch

2025

Post that I swear to name later

W (4-6) How's ya mom and dem L (2-8) The Scallywags Well shit. Don't look now but How's ya mom and dem is 4-2 over his last six and easily could have been 5-1 if he scored 0.09 more

2025

There's nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend

Sandy pigeons Let's start the season halfway point down in Sunny Mee-ah-mee where the Dolphins are doing their best impression of big fat honkin' boobahs in that they are made to absolutely suck. Tua Isuckallovah is back in rare extremely common form, playing like absolute

2025

Fantasy Football: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems

Vikes @ LAClippers We begin our recap between the battle for that one chick fan who seems kinda cool, Yeah, that's the one! What started with so much promise, actually never started at all because this game in all reality could have been dressed in a colonial rayadillo uniform

2025

Post title

Sorry for bein so late with the column. Stupid god damn Amazon goes down and it keeps me from being able to do fucking do anything. I couldn't drink water, I couldn't watch any god damn TV, I couldn't cook anything on my grill,

2025

The Power of Friendship

WE GOING IN DRY FOLKS, NO FOREPLAY THIS COLUMN, Broncos @ Jets OK. How are these games not starting an international incident? I'm so fucking happy I don't a shit about the London game at all whatsoever. Like, who the fuck gets up for this shit? I&

2025

Trying is the first step towards failure

Hey hey party people! So this week, fuck going over all the games - I ain't got that kind of time, so instead I'm going to just free-flow a bunch of garbage and still end up with some behemoth 2,000+ word shitshow of a column.

2025

Folks, when you're right 52% of the time you're wrong 48% of the time

Let's talk football. But first, time to get into the mood: Rainy City Bitch Pigeons @ Cards What in the doodoo-batter-splatter were those Cardinals Jerseys? Now, I consider myself a huge fan of a nice clean jersey, and those fuckers weren't clean whatsoever - by design.

2025

Is it week 4 already??

Oh shit, are you all still here? My bad, I guess I did say I'd be back after a couple weeks so here I am. Uhh, well you're definitely not going to get any sort of recap of NFL games like I've done in

week 0

Somehow, Joe has returned

Rachel, if this is you the don't worry - I'm not going to start my column back up again and totally disregard taking care of our house, working my job, and helping to raise our child. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rest of league, helloooooo! Buckle up, buckaroos - the boy is back

week 1

A new season has entered the chat

Welcome welcome welcome! It's time to kick off the 2024 Fantasy Football Season and boy oh boy is this year going to be fucking full of exhausting surprises both on and off the football field. We've got a new kickoff rule that I don't

2023

When they became the Greatriots

I couldn't help it. I wish I could quit you, my link-aggregating habit, but there's just no way. With Belichick getting shit-canned by Robert "rub-n-tug" Kraft, and so many memories flowing back from those early 2000s, I had to post

2023

You might remember me from other columns like, "I haven't slept in days," "is there a chance the defense could bend," and "Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius"

TWO OH TWO FOUR I dunno about you fuckers, but I spent this New Year's Eve at home: Playing some Splendor. Drinking local brews (love me some Juice Bag). Eating home made pizza. And that's how I likes it. Not to say that I'm

2023

A holiday feast of microwaved dog poop, but with words

So many incredible games over so many days. It was pretty awesome. I caught most of the Thursday game which felt like it took place two weeks ago, and then a bunch of the Saturday games in between scrambling for last minute Christmas purchases and shit. Then came Saturday where

2023

Should have been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head

Welp. I was hoping that this Holiday column would be absolutely packed with news and memery from week 15 in the NFL, but unfortunately that piece of shit storm that hit the Northeast on Monday completely obliterated our internet and Comcast has done fuck-all to fix any of it.

2023

"jail isnt real," i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco

NFL stuffs So like,,, I'm writing this as of approximately [checks watch] 6:41 am sooooooo... yeah. You ain't gettin' SHIT. Maybe next week when I have fewer matchups to cover. .. Oh who am I kidding, I can at least post a handful of bullshit