As seen at the Kennedy Center!

Welcome back, ladies and germs. It's 2026, and the time is nigh for a new fuckin season of Fantastical Football!

Hopefully everyone has done their proper preparatory work and prayed to whatever deity or substation they needed to prior to the draft because y'all are fucked once I truly hit my stride this season.

How could that be possible? How am I so confident? Well, first off I have the ol' baby power bump from Madeline being born in March. Sure, that was like 3 or 4 (or 5) months ago so while the power may be diluted by that asshole Father time, it's still going to be a karmic force to be reckoned with. She's still barely more than a sentient doorstop who spends most of her time smiling and then her off time pooping, I've doubled my dad strength - which I'm like, 99% sure translates directly into online fantasy football.

And I'm not done: Not only have I gained a new daughter, my grandmother and dad both died this year!

Now, if you think that was a powerfully awkward statement, then you better buckle the fuck in for a wild ride of fantasy columns.

On a more serious note, my dad lived a wild life and I'm truly happy that he's finally at peace. Strokes are fuckin brutal, and so is vascular dementia - take care of yourselves folks, I want to know all of you for as long as possible.

Here, scope out his obit (I wrote like 85% of it and Lulu helped edit it for me), it's quite a ride and frankly undersells what he accomplished: GRE

The 2026 season has begun

Have to admit, I ain't going to have much shit to drop about week one. I was so excited for the return of the NFL season, I made sure to catch the first game - which was an all-time bazooka blast to the fuckin balls - and then watch a combined 25 minutes of the rest of the games because of a planned trip to Chicago!

I've only ever visited the Windy City like 33 years ago when the family drove through and got stuck in traffic.

This was the very first time I had actually set foot on the ground, and I have to say the city is pretty fucking awesome. The weather was fantastic. The food was incredible - I had my first pizza pot pie, and that shit was delicious. The River Walk is one of the coolest god damn things out there. There's a vibrant local brew scene with the haziest of IPAs (where I'm from we call them New England IPAs). It's frankly tough to find any issues.

Which is why we decided to bring some with us: our children.

Don't get me wrong. I love those two little monsters more than anything on this Earth but holy shit - we bit off waaaay more than we could chew. The toddler brought a wild stowaway we didn't expect: sickness. So as the trip went on, she slowly infected us through her generosity .. and inability to just cover her mouth when coughing.

Dinner plans at a remotely nice restaurant? Those used to not be that bad as long as we had a couple activities and food for the kids. NOT ANYMORE. The food I made, froze, and brought with us is worthless compared to the wonderful table bread available.

At least all the research and money spent looking for toys and activities to keep them busy were tossed by the wayside in favor of a stack of napkins to wipe up water I would flick all over the table. Admittedly, that was actually a positive thing even if it was the result of more luck than brains.

Anyway, enough about the whee ones. I have plenty opportunity to bring up those monsters this season.

SO. WEEK ONE. I'm definitely not going to go over each individual game, but I do have some strong opinions about some of these stupid fucking matchups. Most significantly is the god damn fucking Patriots throwing away a game they should have won over Drew fucking Lock. And then god damn Maye just THROWS AWAY THE GAME??? What the fuck was that dick-in-ass-shit-bag throw??

Whatever. Fuck this. Let's just get to the recapss

Recappin time

Time to do what I do best.

The Justin League [L]
The Scallywags [W]

God damn EddieGPT absolutely rolled to a win thanks to quite the fucking team put together by the greatest artificial minds that Yahoo! has to offer.

Despite absolute fucking diaper-filling duds like DeVonta Smith, Rashid Shaheed, and Kyler "tiny dancer" Murray, the AI gods willed your roster to victory with Jordan Love, Kenneth Walker, and Trey McBride,

Rough start for The Justin League. You know things are looking good when you can only afford a singular Justin to be on the roster. And the ratio of

auction $ spent:points scored

for Saquon ain't great, either.

But whatever, it's week 1, and you have Axction Jaxson Dart who will Make Fantasy Great Again as his output trumped the rest of your lineup. If that happens to not be enough, at least you have the Bryce is Right. I'm sure he can't possibly regress towards whatever statisticians give a shit about.

To cheer you, and anyone actually reading this far, check out these cannons,

Matural Light [W]
SCHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB [L]

Reardon Civil War. Battle of the Brothers. The Quabbin Conflict.

It goes by many names, and I'm sure somewhere there is a tabulation of the lifetime record of these two, but it's always one of the most grueling and brutal confrontations in the world of Fantasy Football. Last year it came down in the playoffs or some shit like that, which should have probably made it memorable enough for me to accurately remember it .. but it didn't.

I'm a fan of the fact that it took place in week 1, so we are guaranteed a sequel by the end of the season.

Now, the actual matchup? Holy fuck. Matural Light scored 171 fucking points? And you better Bolieve that Nix had nothing to do with that output. Kinda wild to have one of the QBs score fewer than 10 points, hit 170+ and have zero players hitting 30 points.

SCHWAAAAAAAB was not so lucky. Not that he didn't have a good output, but that he wasted one of the highest point totals of the week. But hey, he only has himself to blame given that he decided to go with the absolute moral fuckfaces of the league in Harrison "women are worthless outside of the kitchen" Butker and Puka "bite strength" Nakua.

At least he has some strong ethical and moral compass figures in Rodgers around to keep the peace when things get dramatic later in the season. Perhaps Josh Jacobs will be available to help talk Harrison Butker away from being a halfway decent human being.

Ding Dong Pattywhack [L]
Flip Flops & Coronas [W]

Ahhh yes. I remember the before-times when 118+ points was a solid output. Now that shit will earn you a complete middle-of-the-pack score for a week. Ding Dong Pattywhack easily could have gotten more if only he didn't have absolute horrific showings from,

• Colston Loveland: the dude was supposed to be Caleb's handcuff. How the fuck did he score literally zero points??
• Rashee Rice: Can't speed away from this horrible performance, you dick
• George Pickens: COME ON MAN, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU AND THE COWBOYS SUCK SO MUCH SHIT? YOU TOTALLY FUCKED ME OVER TOO (I'm in another league, you wouldn't know it, they go to another school in Canada)

Jahmyr Gibbs is pretty fuckin great, though. Good for him. I guess.

Flip Flops & Coronas, you absolutely god damn feasted with Tractorcito and Caleb "mustache you a question" Williams. You bought yourself one more week before you may have to worry about replacing the very ageless aged one in Hunter Henry.

Hopefully Ja'Marr Chase decides to show the fuck up for you this season. Maybe. Not against me. Against someone else. Please and thank you!

Broken Penix [L]
The Impossible Kid [W]

In what appears to be the closest matchup of the weekend, The Impossible Kid ultimately took the win thanks to an off-the-field incident involving the Broken Penix.

In what I would call, a Broken Hubris: the lack of a kicker by the completely average Penix who just happened to have been in a cold pool is literally why the roster ultimately lost.

You can't write this kind of twist. If you presented that storyline to a Hollywood exec, they would literally smear shit on your face and throw you into a wood chipper.

Now. Beside all of that, I have to remark that the Penix bench is a wild fucking existence to behold. There's an entire fucking second roster tucked away in there and I can't stop marveling at it.

The Impossible Kid, this season I'm only giving myself 5 minutes to do each section and it would appear that this swollen Penix took up a significant majority of my headspace, so I'll have to give you a parting comment: outstanding job winning a week in which you had literally no one scoring over 20 points. Not on the starting roster. Not on the bench. Nowhere. That's kind of fucking incredible.

So please, enjoy,

91 Shrimp [W]
How's ya mom and dem [L]

Well holy fucking shit. Just a complete waffle-stomping of How's ya mom and dem by the horde that is 91 Shrimp. In a performance that hopefully isn't repeated next week (because I have to go against him), 91 Shrimp was dumping out early points like some sort of NEED SOMETHING HERE

Of course, it's not exactly the most ideal of situations given that Zay Flowers is already an injured question mark, and the Raiders are treating Brock Bowers' procedure like he was getting his bangs trimmed,

Who the fuck just casually uses the term "trim" in reference to something like that??

Anyway, How's ya mom and dem .. you uhh, you need to do a lot better. I'm super happy that Defensive Player of the Year JSN was able to capitalize late in his game to get 20+ for you, but you're going to need a lot more than that.

Especially since no, I'm not fucking happy whatsoever that he got you those points. In fact, that fucking sucked and I'm still angry about it. Shit man, you even have god damn NY Jets Breece Hall as the second best player on the roster. I swear to god, if you end up getting a bunch of Broncos and Dolphins players too then I'm going to .. oh fuck me, you have the Broncos DEF.

You are making a powerful enemy, my friend.

I dream of Jeanty [W]
mzarecta [L]

EYYYYYYY.

WHY AM I MAD AT ANYTHING THIS WEEK? I FUCKIN WON.

Sure, I ended up losing DeZone Dribbling or whoever for the next 4 weeks to go alongside my stupid fucking rookie dipshit, but after scoping out some of the production from my players, it looks like I have myself a fucking squad right now.

I can't wait to continue relying on my ABCD core,

• Ashton Jeanty
• Bijan Robinson
• Chris Olave
• Jayden Daniels

Are going to drag my fantasy fuckface self into the postseason

Now, mza. You did not have a good day, my friend. I'd love to give you any sort of commentary but I'm so fucking exhausted I ain't got shit for you except maybe the ace I keep up my sleeve:

Fin

Welp. Of all the columns I've written, that was certainly one of them. Just remember, this it's week one for shitposters like myself as well.

I'm just happy I was able to sneak in enough time to get this shit out by the end of the week - maybe just pretend week 2 hasn't already started (I'll let you know when you can stop pretending).

So have a solid end of the middle of September, everyone. I know I say this every year around this time, but this is just the fucking best time of the year. Take care of yourselves, be smart, stay healthy, and eat a couple [dozen] apple cider donuts thinking of me.

See you assholes next week.

Try to take it easy until then.

(You can stop pretending now)