I'm a victim of circumstance
Colts vs Commies
Mariota goes down, which makes way for the Grecian Sensacian - Throwdysseus.
Patriots vs Bills
Pardon me, I need to first get this out,
Oh wait, not sure if I've fully made my point,
I can't fucking believe we pulled it off again. Although I really shouldn't be all too surprised because we've always had a man on the inside. Someone who no one in Buffalo could ever have expected:
And of course, we need to give some respect to the man who fucking finally decided to show up this season,
So,
Fuck the Bills and Fuck that Bitch-ass Stadium
Jets @ Bears
...hmmm....
Jaggin Bungles
ahhhhh,,,,,
Cards @ Giants
Oh come the fuck on, hell no
Rams @ Iggles
Ahh! Here's a game!
Packers @ Buccs
.. you know what,
Titans @ Ravens / Cowboys @ Texans / Dolphisn @ Vikes / Chefs @ Raiders / broncos @ 9ers / charge @ bitch pigeons
Lions @ Panthers
Sure. The Patriots beating the Bills makes for some good fun, but the real reason this portion of the column made it this week for the first time this season is because of this game.
And specifically, this gif I found that perfectly demonstrates the tragic existence of the current Detroit Lions and their fans,
Recapulations
Ayyyyy, welcome back. It's week 4 and it's like .. kinda the 25% of the season mark? Week 5 already has some byes, and the season is 18 weeks now so .. uhh. I dunno, the fractions I'm coming up with are kind of weird and scary to me.
Sooooo yeah, let's kick this shit off. And just remember, if you have any issues with anything I've said you can always direct those complaints straight up your own asshole!
[W] The Impossible Kid
[L] The Scallywags
Welp. Maybe I was dead wrong about that Jeremiyah fuckface. The guy scored less than the complete no-names on your bench in Braelon Allen and Chris Rod. But you know who did even worse? That Laddie fucker. Christ, the Chargers are so far up shit creek and the closest thing they have to a paddle are a couple of soup spoons - and for some sickening reason, they have to eat their way out of the problem.
Which frankly, isn't a new situation for Chargers fans. Those poor fucking bastards. Not to get too off-topic (I wouldn't dare), there is a very non-zero chance that there are such things as Chargers/Clippers fans. Well .. maybe not anymore, but those poor unfortunate souls definitely have it rough.
At least The Scallywags have an absolute stud in Kenny Walker III, who I admittedly thought was going to fuckin suck ass. Yeah yeah yeah, he won Super Bowl MVP, who fucking cares. Oh well, like so many other aspects of life: I was completely fucking wrong.
The Impossible Kid notches their third win of the season on the back of .. ahhh ... a pretty solid showing from his whole roster. Well, except from his absolute fucking trash running backs. Yikes. I know Brian is only the second best Robinson on his own team, but you may have better luck starting him and benching both TreVeyon and Jacory.
Because those two guys fucking suck asshole. I can not stress how fucking disappointing them are in fantasy football holy shit.
[W] mza
[L] The Justin League
mza fucking pummeled The Justin League this week.
How did he pull this shit off? Well, sit down and let me tell you a tale about last year's MVP race:
The wrong player won. Statpadford fuckin sucked for mza this week, but Lisan Al-Mayeib fucking killed it with his return to glory against the Bills.
Then you have Nico Collins returning to the field and absolutely fucking lighting up the Dallas secondary in a way that every fantasy owner would love, but every Texans fan would blow out the pilot light in their oven before sticking themselves in and take deep, deep breaths.
Roleplayers in Daddy Aaron Jones and RJ "Steve" Harvey punched above their weight, and last but not least, you had LaPorta Potty have himself a great little Tight End game.
I refuse to give shine to a second Broncos player. Fuck off, Waddle. You went from one of my most hated teams in the Dolphins to possibly my most hated team in the Broncos. You're fucking trash, you deserve nothing but trash, and I hope you never find happiness in your NFL career.
The Justin League, you only have a single Justin on your team and it would appear you went with the fucking worst one possible. Justin Herbert fucking blows ass. Sure, he's got a smokin' hot fiancé with a top-tier last name, but he absolutely sucks so fucking much at footballing. How the hell is he constantly being considered an elite QB when the man hasn't even fucking won a playoff game?
Oh wow, and you also have Sagone Barkley, in that he's fucking down and out. Something definitely seemed off with him, and I guess now we know why.
Hah, and Eggbigboo. I know this is mostly meaningless to all of you out there, but those first three week outputs are so fucking satisfying to look at. Then he went and shit down his leg in week 4 to ruin it all.
I mean come on, that's fucking cool.
[W] How's ya mom and dem
[L] Matural Light
Matural Light has fallen from the ranks of the undefeateds with his first loss of the season! He got absolutely fucking rag-dolled by Tetairoa and his wild 40 point outing on Monday night. Thank goodness How's ya mom and dem has himself what appears to be two absolute fucking studs at Wide Receiver because those two are going to have to keep up this incredible production to make up for the fact that Mercury Milan Marv is an embarrassment to the Harrison genetic line.
Matural Light, don't get yourself too down. You can still hold your head up high and be Stroud of your roster because it looks like you have a couple of fuckin beasts on your bench at RB. So if you need to, instead of living and dying by the human embodiment of CTE in Skattebo, you could toss in Javonte.
And then instead of being forced to Bolieve, you can just depend on The Eman - Emanuel Wilson.
Just a couple tips from the guy who can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag aka a top-3 pick in every fucking rookie draft since its inception.
[L] Penix Rising
[W] Flip Flops & Coronas
I don't want to toot my own horn too much but I feel like such a trailblazer seeing another team without a defense!
And just like my own, we both god fucking slapped around like someone trying to step to a fish,
I don't want to be mean or anything, but I think if you even have 1 or more Miami Dolphins on your roster, you should be jailed. The fuck are you even doing with not just one, but TWO Miami Maliks?? Jesus Christ, you also have Tyreek Hill!?
I refuse to believe anyone could be this desperate.
And then on the other side of the matchup, kudos to Flip Flops & Coronas for pulling out the win despite Ja'Marr Chase and his squishy bruised brain. It's wild, you almost don't really need to even worry about thim when you have Carnell Tate going off (yes, I know he only had 17 points and even had a fumble lost, but he's a fucking Titan - that kind of production is legendary with how dogshit the rest of that roster is) combined with Joey Brr and Kyren.
PS. What an absolutely sad state of affairs for a once proud Boutte.
[L] 91 Shrimp
[W] Ding Dong Pattywhack
One final undefeated stays .. well .. undefeated!
I have to be honest, there really isn't much that pops out in this matchup as far as 91 Shrimp is concerned (Ding Dong Pattywhack is a different matter). And really, the last couple of recaps were basically just me typing out some of the players and being like, "oh wow he scored more than projected" or "oh shit, he scored less than projected". Even AI slop would toss in some insane bullshit like, "so-and-so's score was 24 just like the number of hours in a day"
I don't want to just say nothing and move on so .. hmm .. uhh
So I'll go with: what the fuck, 91 Shrimp? The fuck are you doing with all those god damn Quarterbacks? Do you seriously need 3?? Some of us don't even have a single healthy fucking QB and you have three productive ones?
Ding Dong. Mr. Pattywhack. DDP. what in the wide wide world of sports is going on with the middle of your lineup? Bucky Irving and George Pickens are absolutely fucking killing you. And somehow Rashee Rice and Courtland Sutton are playing even worse. I guess thankfully you have a small handful of studs in Brock, Jalen, and Jahmyr but even if they all score 30 every week you're in deep fuckin Ding Dong doo doo if you can't find points anywhere else.
[L] I dreamt of Jeanty
[W] SCHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
Maaaaan. What the fuck was this shit. Fucking Marcus Mariota goes down with a fucking injury early in the god damn first quarter. And then you had Jalon Daniels' debut where (SPOILER ALERT) he is not as good as. Baker Mayfield. I swear to God, if Jayden ends up being a late scratch this week the shit fit that I will be bestowing on this World will be a sight to behold.
I HAVE FUCKING THREE WASHINGTON COMMANDER QUARTERBACKS AND TWO BUCCANEER QUARTERBACKS BECAUSE YOU ASSHOLES KEEP TAKING ANYONE WORTH ANYTHING.
Solid win, Schwaaaaaab. Balanced attack and all that fruity shit n stuff. Yadda yadda yadda, good for fucking you. So happy that Puka is back.
Fin.
And there we go, another one down the hatch!
It was a pretty fun week, if I do say so myself. Both from the perspective of being an NFL fan and my favorite team winning, but also because we are hitting the mother fucking stride of it being autumn. Leaves are changing all over the god damn place, the weather is cool enough that the absolutely ridiculous combo of sweater and shorts is on the table, and by some miracle apple cider donuts calories don't actually count.
Now we have a fuckin rad three day weekend coming up where I'm hoping to spend some quality time with the family, perhaps pick an apple or pumpkin or nine ... teen, and drink so many hazy IPAs I'll be gambling on farts and some sports the whole time.