Now Banned from Performing at Gillette Stadium
Recaps
Welcome back, my dudes. Not a bad showing from everyone, including those pesky NFL teams (except the greatest of them all - the Patriots).
With the abysmal failing of my personal favorite baseball team at the hands of their hated rival, all I want is to be excited by one of our hometown sports teams and .. well .. at least the Celtics should be pretty good, even though the FUCKING TRADED PERHAPS MY FAVORITE PLAYER OF THEIRS.
[L] mzarecta
[W] SCHWAAAAAAAARB
HOT DAMN. I love seeing a matchup where the difference was less than a point. I am just chasing that mythical tie, and I know it's going to happen one day.
SCHWAAAAAAAB is so fucking lucky he got the win on a week where Josh Allen played about as mortal as his celebrity wife would allow - as is tradition, Josh was outplayed by Mahomes.
mzarecta almost stole one this week with the help of the Dallas defense suckin' ass at .. well .. defense. Frankly, the biggest issue to point one's finger at is god damn mother fucking Drake Maye. What the fuck is going on with that god damn child??
But you know what?
Toss in a little ETN, a sour Lemon, and you got yourself Waddle-ing over to a bad luck loss. But don't lose hope, mza.
PS. since you don't seem to be using your IR slots, you mind lending me a couple because I CAN'T STOP LOSING PLAYERS TO INJURY WHAT THE FUCK
[W] How's ya mom and dem
[L] The Scallywags
How's ya mom and dem gets himself on the board with his first win of the season! And as we all predicted, it was on the back of the unstoppable Jacoby Brissett leading the Cardinals to yet another fuckin loss.
JSN topping 30 points? I mean, of fucking course he did.
Sam Darnold topping 30 points? Yeah sure, whatever, shit's weird nowadays. But to have Jacoby putting together a great performance is always fucking great to watch.
On the other end of the spectrum? That dipshit Rhamondre Stevenson and Kyle Pitts Sr. Good luck with those two chucklefucks, mom and dem.
The Scallywags had some great numbers this week sandwiching some absolute dogwater on his roster. DeVonta Smith, Devaughn Vele, and Devladd McConkey sucked ass and let their team down.
On the plus side, it does look like this Jeremiyah Love guy is the real fuckin deal. Great god damn pickup. I hope you paid a shitload of money for him during our auction so you won't be able to keep him.
[L] Flip Flops & Coronas
[W] The Justin League
It's almost a disturbing joke that Saquon Barkley's performance helped bring The Justin League to a victory over Flip Flops & Coronas who brought Derrick Henry to the battle.
And when I say that, it may sound like Barkley out-performed Tractorcito when in reality, Saquon fucking sucks shit this season, and just kinda (ironically) ran out the clock while King Henry almost ran the Flip Flops to victory.
Wait. Wait just a minute. When did Case Keenum get ruled as the starter for Chicago? Because Flip Flops, you ran old man Hunter Henry in the flex spot over .. well .. a handful of players on your bench that would have given you the win? Ouch man, brutal.
Speaking of brutal, I don't have a dog in this fight, but it brings me great sadness to see so many different Patriots up and down both rosters and realize that they're all dogshit. When will this New England franchise finally catch a break?
[L] Penix Rising
[W] Matural Light
First off: outstanding name change, Penix. As much as I try to stay unbiased and come to each column without a rooting interest, I do wish the change sparked your boys to a win.
..but it didn't. Because as we all know, there is no justice in this world.
It was a good fight with some good shit coming from Llamar, Run CMC, Travis Kelce, and - holy shit - Tony Pollard!
Wow, Tony, I want to say talk of your demise may have been a little premature but I'm fairly sure it's entirely appropriate. You kinda fuckin suck, dude. Sure you hit 10+ but I don't know if your old ass can do it again.
Wait.
[Googles Tony Pollard]
What the fuck.
..hmm.. well.
Who fuckin cares. How about you string two weeks of 10+, Mr. Pollard-these-nuts?
Matural Light, solid win. Super happy for you. I guess. Fuckin hate seeing that Bo Nix asshole on your roster doing well.
But your alternative is starting Deshaun .. and like, that guy is just the biggest fucking scumbag around. So it makes complete sense that you're the last remaining undefeated team. Because again, there is no justice in this world.
[W] 91 Shrimp
[L] The Impossible Kid
Excuse me, did I say that there was only one undefeated team in this league? It would appear that I was once again, wrong.
91 Shrimp continues his lossless campaign with a dominating win over The Impossible Kid and gifting the Kid his first loss of the season.
Looking over this 91 Shrimp roster has me fucking throbbing with envy. He's got three healthy quarterbacks topping 20+ points for the week - this jerk is doing so well, that he can weather the fact that Chase Brown sucks ass for likely the rest of the season.
Speaking of incredible offensive players, The Impossible Kid looks like he may be fuckin strug-a-ling to find any on his roster outside of Drake London.
- Achane is dead and gone
- The only thing TreVeyon is consistent with is how much of an obnoxious member of the god squad he is
- Malik Nabers is looking like he needs a full season to get back to normal
- Denzel Boston has a pretty neat last name
At least George Kittle came back from his injury like nothing happened, which is fucking insane. The man blew out his achilles at the end of last season or in the playoffs or something. I know people joke about it, but medical science may have actually gone too far.
[W] I dream of Jeanty
[L] Ding Dong Pattywhack
I'm at a loss for words IR spots. Like literally. I have all four spots filled, and now I have to throw Rico Dowdle and Baker Mayfield on the fucking pile.
I have to keep picking up these shitheads' backups, which so far has been working out pretty fucking well - but I'm running out of roster spots. Last week it cost me a god damn defense, but thankfully that worked out for me. I didn't need one to win this week - and hell, Ding Dong Pattywhack ended up getting burned by his defense for -2.0 points, so who's the fucking psychopath, now?
That's fuckin right. In a matchup of the top running backs of the league, Bijan may have lost the battle but he won the fuckin war.
As always, when I win it's typically more luck than brains: Thank fucking god Geno was left on the bench because he would have fucked my shit up.
So watch out for the Quarterbackup Boys: Say goodbye to Jayden Daniels and Baker Mayfield, and instead say hello to their backups, Marcus Mariota and Jaylen Daniels.
Fin
Week 3 is dead and gone!
Now, I know I say this a lot so I might as well continue saying it over, and over, and over, and over again: I ain't got time to proof-read, so if you happened to notice any typos or grammar issues, no you didn't.
Hope anyone here that is actually still enjoying the MLB playoffs continue to do so. For me personally, that shit has been relegated to background sound while I'm cooking shit with my daughter (best sous chef out there when it comes to rinsing and drying veggies).
Don't forget: it's Spooktober season, so get them decorations up if that's some try-hard shit you enjoy doing. If you don't enjoy doing it, then fuckin don't you god damn Halloween-Grinch.
As usual, stay healthy, stay safe, take care of yourselves, fuck the yankees, and see you jerks next week. Love you guys.