Truck it, don't track it

[W] Matural Light
[L] The Impossible Kid

Uhh hrm. I guess this was kind of a close game, right? I mean, it was ~11 points which I think technically speaking was the closest of the week.

But just because it was, doesn't mean this shit was remotely tense to follow.

In fact, I can ensure anyone reading it wasn't an exciting watch whatsoever because I did not follow or watch this head-to-head matchup whatsoever. Shit, this is the first I've really looked at it, and it's 3:15pm EST on Thursday [if my job asks, I never said this - I was working].

I guess I'd like to focus on the winner of this matchup in Matural Light, but he's got two things going against him:

• Fuck Bo Nix and fuck the rest of that Broncos team. They can all get their toenails ripped out and have the skin peeled off their fingers from the back of their nails.
• I need to focus on the most important player on either roster: TreVeyon Henderson

I don't know why he's the target of all my ire, I literally do not have him on any of my fantasy team rosters (3), and I frankly don't think I've ever had him on any roster of mine ever. Maybe it's because I'm a fan of the team he plays for and we could really use someone other than Rhamondrehedron Steviewonderson from time to time given that despite his ability to clutch up, he also fucking DROPS THE GOD DAMN BALL FOR SEEMINGLY NO REASON.

The fuck is wrong with you TreVeyon? How about you stop being such a preachy dickbag, ice up, and get your ass onto the football field and contribute to this 2026 NFL season? HUH? HOW ABOUT THAT, FUCKER?

[W] Flip Flops & Coronas
[L] How's ya mom and dem

Watch out now, Flip Flops & Coronas has himself a little win streak right now. Couple that with the most satanic of Points For totals (666.02), and every god-fearing man should quiver in their testicles at the mere thought of Flip Flops & Coronas.

SO.

I dunno, I don't have much - I wanted to bitch and moan about Ja'Marr Chase finally showing up to the regular season, but he's actually scored 3 20+ point games in the last 4 weeks so that'd be fucking idiotic of me to share. I guess I should give some props to trying out some fresh blood in Tyson Bagent or Carnell Tate - but those two fuckin sucked.

Instead I'll focus on How's ya mom and dem trying to fucking figure out what the fuck to do when it comes to choose two out of:

• Quinshon
• Omarion
• Rhamondrehedron

This is such an unbelievably unenviable task. Stevenson has earned himself quite a bit of goodwill with Patriots fans (such as myself, in case you hadn't known) but when it comes to Fantasy Football, the dude can walk across a wooden board filled with rusty nails.

But I feel like the other two are so consistently inconsistent it'd drive me nuts. Good enough to keep on the roster, but bad enough to create anxiety when trying to decide if they should start.

[W] Ding Dong Pattywhack
[L] SCHWAAAAAAAAAAB

How the fuck did I survive not getting Ding Dong Pattywhacked?? The dude may only have 2 wins but god damn that roster is a buzzsaw thanks to dual threats, Gibbs and Irving. Holy shit, 65 fucking points from just two players really makes it so much easier to not stress about needing to start Donkey Kong Metcalf or Cortland "no I actually do not like those apples" Sutton.

Now here's a guy, SCHWAAAAAAAAB who fought like hell, scored 131 points, but still fucking lost because of a couple of god damn duds in Montgomery and CeeDeez Nuts (Kincaid gets a pass because he's just a fuckin Tight End).

And to make matters worse, not only did he fuckin lose the matchup, he's definitely lost that god damn Texans running back as well. Probably should have fuckin seen that coming because outside of week fucking one, David Montgomery has sucked so fucking much - at least now you don't have to keep torturing yourself and wonder if you should start him again.

Instead, you should just fucking banish him to the god damn shadow realm.

On the bright side, it definitely would appear that the absolute fucking psycho Puka Nacua is back. Dude is a fucking beast. Also a freak.

[L] Penix Rising
[W] mzarecta

Uh oh. I'm starting to get into "fuck it all" territory of writing this shit. I really hope I get some exciting matchups here that I at least can rant about adjacent shittery - otherwise, the summaries are going to be like, 50 words each.

Hmm let's see, let's see.

Ah HA. So that's where Cam Ward has been hiding in this league... Yikes, dude. I guess that's awesome that Malik Willis scored close to 20 points but the rest of that roster is struggling to make ends meet. Daniel Jones? Cam Ward? Tony Pollard? Hockenson?

How far you've fuckin fallen for a roster that has Amon-Ra, Llamar Jackson, and Run CMC. Obviously this is just the fucking 49ers Sub-station starting to attack civilians on the other side of the country - it started with the Ravens, and now it's starting to affect fantasy football teams,

Stay safe out there, Mr Penix. The World is a shocking place.

Now, mza. That team of yours is rockin some wild as fuck highs and lows. Like, outstanding highs, one of which happens to be MOTHER. FUCKING. DRAKE. MAYE. OUR GOD DAMN SECOND COMING. And then those lows. Holy shit man.

• RJ Harvey is a god damn scrub
• Jaylen Waddle, another Denver Bronco Donkey Dipshit
• Jakobi Meyers - remember that dude? Fuckin guy had his moment on the Patriots, then what, one or two seasons with the Raiders? Now what the fuck is he doing? Jaggin off?? Good god.

[W] 91 Shrimp
[L] The Scallywags

Jesus fucking hell, 91 Shrimp still has yet to lose a fucking game this season. The weapons are plentiful and diverse. No matter who falls short, this asshole has someone else willing to step up. Even if he fucks up and has someone on his bench who went hog-fuckin-wild, it doesn't bite him in the ass.

Sure, Luther "I'm such a" Burden III ain't do so good, but does anyone actually expect him to do anything more than scrap together a handful of points? The fact of the matter is IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

Shit man, The Scallywags have an incredible talent in Trey McBride and the response from 91 Shrimp is basically, "so fucking what" as he whips out his giant Brock.

Just noticed that both of you assholes had pretty good RBs on BYE - what the fuck is that shit? Why the ever loving fuck do we have week 5 byes in this league?? Who the fuck does this even help? Is this for player safety? Are certain stadiums booked during that last week? How the fuck are we supposed to claim that the NFL is rigged in the Chiefs' favor if they have a useless by only 5 weeks into the god damn fucking season?

[W] I dream of Jeanty
[L] The Justin League

OH HELL YEAH MOTHER FUCKERS. I'M ABOVE .500 AND RIDING THE HIGHEST OF HIGHS. And I'm talking about a high I haven't felt since I had that era of being gas station sober - you know what I mean, only boner pills, that fake weed shit, energy drinks .. and probably some of the most generic beer ever brewed.

..so I guess it's not really all that much of a high as it is just pure life expectancy deterioration.

And I'm pulling this dumbass shit off without a defense, just so I can hold onto too many fucking quarterbacks. "Oh, they must be some quality starters" you proclaim - no, they're the fucking starter and backup for the Buccs and Commanders, with one of them still being injured (Baker).

"Oh, well at least that's only 4 lineup slots," you foolishly say - no, I have three fucking quarterbacks from the god damn Commies: Jayden, Mariota, and Throwdysseus. Why? Because Jayden is absolutely going to fuck up his god damn fucking elbow soon. And Mariota has a sprained MCL or some fucking shit.

But that's not going to get me down, not at all. Because at least I'm not my opponent, who has seen things go so badly that they have fired their coach changed their team name. That's usually good to help motivate the troops and get a couple wins, but will it cure the ills of that roster? It's tough.

• You have Justin Herbert who remains too flaccid to Bolt Up.
• You have James Cook III on the verge of being benched from fumbilitis.
• The fuck is a Will Shipley?
• The Doober just fucking drops everything thrown his way.
• Saquon has ceased to be.
• Emeka Eggbigboo only scores 10 or more when benched.

But you know what they say,

"Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men start Deshaun Watson."

Fin

Week 5 is done-zo! And with that, we are going to be hitting the 1/3rd-mark of the NFL regular season. Man, the season grows up so fast, I remember when it was just a twinkle in our collectives eyes and hope was springing eternal while we had our draft. Now we have such a plethora of disappointments, surprises, and not-shocking-at-alls filling our collective rosters.

As we move forward and grow out of the awkward stage of the season, I'm sure we'll see who has what it takes to stand above the rest and be crowned King of Shit Heap - it's always incredible to watch the symbolic breaching of the ocean of piss we all swim in to see who gets to breathe air and evolve into a playoff team.

And always remember, there's still plenty of time to both make a run for the tournament (as Bill Parcells would famously dub the postseason) as well as fall completely on your fucking face and shit yourself to death out of it.

Anyway, hope y'all enjoyed this - I'm taking next week off. Going to Vermont for a few days to enjoy the waning days of leaf season, make a scene at Trillium, and say "oh wow, what a beautiful view" like, so many fucking times - almost as many times as I ask myself, "why the fuck are we doing this with a baby and toddler?"

Take care my dudes, hope the week(s) treat you all fantastically, and see you in a few. Love you guys.

Twofer since I'm outta here for a week!