Regretfully quitting the Ed Sheeran US tour
Welp. Another week, and another fucking column that comes out the day after the next week starts. Tough shit you fuckers. You'll be lucky to get jokes that aren't just copied from Twitter and shoehorned into recaps that don't even include the specific player. There was a time when these things carried a little bit of prestige and integrity.
Hah, no there wasn't. These things have always been a horrifically uninspiring chain of vulgarity and some NFL discussion, with a dabble of cheese hate sprinkled in from time to time when the time warrants.
..which reminds me: if I get another fucking breakfast sandwich with a quarter pound of melted cheese after I specifically ask for none, I will personally firebomb your restaurant.
Yeah anyway, enjoy the wet bucket of shit you fuckers, it's all you got until maybe I get my shit together for week 3 and have something that isn't some sleep deprived mess.
Recaps
All right you fuckers. Let's move on to some absolutely fucking terrible quality recaps.
Enjoy!
[W] Matural Light
[L] The Justin League
Kind of a brutal loss for The Justin League.
Went into the weekend thinking he could easily conquer Matural Light, but unfortunately like so many of us in our college days, he woke up Tuesday morning with pissed pants, wondering why is he holding a broken Dart in his hand, with a horrible pain in his Saq...uon.
No? Just me? Whatever, 88-second keg stands come at a price. Glory doesn't come cheap.
Any-who, the NFL has a significant problem with their quarterbacks literally dying on the football field. And with our league a two-quarterback league, there ain't shit to pick up. Plenty of assholes are grabbing backups and then backups of backups. Chill the fuck out, would you guys?
All of a sudden, Matural Light doesn't look like a fuckin insane madman for grabbing Deshaun Watson.
[L] How's ya mom and dem
[W] The Impossible Kid
Well holy shit. What a fuckin loss. 1.54 points separated these two titans.
There's plenty of blame to go around How's ya mom and dem with most of it landing on Mazda Miata Marv. The fuck is up with Marvin Harrison Jr.? Maybe he grew up too soft - unlike his absolutely terrifyingly "quiet" father who ruled his neighborhood with an iron fist and handgun.
Or maybe if Jacoby Brisskett didn't throw that fucking interception. Either way, an absolute kick in the dick for How's ya mom and dem.
The Impossible Kid on the other hand, had a field day thanks to big Dak energy and the Detroit Goffense. Although what the fuck, Stefon Diggs is now just going to go off for his new shitbag team in Washington? Fuck off man, I don't really want you back on the Patriots but the least you could have done for us would be to fucking suck.
[L] Flip Flops & Coronas
[W] SCHWAAAAAAAAAARB
Oh look, another roster, and another deceased Quarterback. Thankfully, Caleb Williams apparently has the Deadpool-esque ability to regenerate himself after what appeared to be a devastating injury that he most likely would need surgery for to remove the bottom half of his body. You really may have dodged a Malort-filled grenade there, Flip Flops & Coronas.
SCHWAAAAAAAAB absolutely ran shit, and that was with Chompers Nacua sidelined with some dumbass injury, David Montgomery sucking ass, and DJ "Less is" Moore.
But that didn't matter because this fucking madman got 30+ from three fucking players, one of which topped 40. Fuckin wild.
[W] Ding Dong Pattywhack
[L] mzarecta
In what would be the second closest outcome of the week, Ding Dong Pattywhack captured his first win of the season in the battle of the 0fer teams.
I dunno, nothing really that remarkable about the matchup. I guess it's kinda fucking shocking to see Colston Loveland go a second week in a row with a near nothing performance. Yeah yeah yeah, his QB literally died on the field #prayersForCaleb but still, you're supposed to be taking a huge step forward this season.
Can't keep a good Ding Dong down, I guess.
Better lucky next week mza. At least your roster isn't falling apart into a pile of injuries-...
Clicks Show Bench Players
Oh.. oh no.
Holy fuckin shit, man. Nevermind, you have a glut of literal corpses on your bench.
At least your bench is decorated for Halloween. Why you ain't using your IR slots, I have no idea though.
[W] Broken Penix
[L] The Scallywags
Oh shit. Another close one. Ahh man, it just keeps getting later and later and the more I try to think, the less that keeps happening.
So my advanced analysis is that Amon-Ra, the Sun God, is a fucking BEAST. Yeah sure, Run CMC and Mr. Swift both tossed in 20 fucking points each, but they ain't shit. I'm more impressed by the giant gaping hole at Kicker for Broken Penix. Really taking advantage of all those extra roster spots. How else could you possibly hold onto players like KC Concepcion and Marshawn Lloyd?
Normally, you'd have to choose between Emmett Johnson and Malik Washington, but not that throbbing Penix.
The Scallywags, you tried, and you failed. Totally fuckin sucks to get that close, but there's only so far you can go when you've got the likes of Wentz or Cooper Rush on your roster.
[L] I dream of Jeanty
[W] 91 Shrimp
I want to say that shit wasn't looking all that bad for me and that it was Jayden getting his god damn elbow turned inside out that did me in, but no, it was my double-barreled Running Back attack completely shitting the fucking bed. And then you had Jalen Coker "I barely know her" being perhaps the only Carolina Panther who didn't have himself a fantastic day offensively.
And don't get me started on Baker god damn fucking off and losing the Todd Bowl against the motherfucking Browns.
91 Shrimp, you bastard, you absolutely reverse-jinxed me so hard Jayden's mom is going to be filing a cease & desist against the Cowboys and Jerry World because of them not licensing the rights to "5" before shaping his arm into one.
You didn't even have to start the right quarterback this week to get the win, although no one could blame you for picking Lawrence over Cousins. Who could have possibly known that the Chargers would continue to waste Justin Herbert's prime years? That Chargers team seriously is atrocious.
So do the Raiders, but like, they're the traditional kind of "sucks" where they actually do try and can sneak out a random victory here and there. The Chargers are kind of that nu-suck where they're fucking trash and simply do not give a shit about being better. And yes, I'm still bitter I had to actually watch some of that game, especially since JEANTY COULDN'T FUCKING CONTRIBUTE SHIT TO THE WIN AND MAYBE SALVAGE MY MATCHUP. FUCK.
..yeah anyway, I've already forgotten what my larger point even was or where I was trying to go with this section.
Fin
OK finally. Fucking done.
Not exactly my finest work, but it's work nonetheless so I hope it does help close out your week.
Now I have to get back to prepping before this god damn fucking Nor'Easter that supposed to hit. I swear to God, if this fuck-face of a storm knocks off all the god damn leaves and ruins this Fall I'm going to most likely do nothing. Maybe I'll scream at a pond or some shit.
Good luck to everyone this week, but I do hope I outscore all of you. Take care, stay safe, and enjoy the season for those of you who celebrate.