Aaaaand USA Lost

Followed by Poland. Stupid fuckin sport.

Late

Let's say, hypothetically, that you were, for instance, using my keyboard. Now keep up. Let's say that you, yes you, wanted to type up one of these columns. Hypothetically, of course.

Now that we have established that you want to type up one of these columns, I am to provide you with content. Am I not wrong?

Now let's say that once the column writing has started that you, hypothetically, you are able to type out full sentences like some libtard college student enrolled in, hypothetically, some leftist academic institution. Now at this point this is what we're going to call the climax of the story, understandably you creating this column has made me angry considering the fact that the content was not to be provided by me. Now let's say I start tickling your feet, you would start to giggle and laugh. Am I not wrong?

And now let's say that you, while laughing, were bound to this aforementioned keyboard. At this point, I'm confused about what content you are writing about. Am I not correct??

After being confused, you proceed to finish writing a portion. You would start to feel uncomfortable at the prospect of proof-reading made you forget about the previous events occurring. Now let's say hypothetically, I tickle your armpits as well. You would then be laughing again. Am I not correct?

Now, let's establish that you need to publish this column Wednesday morning. However, currently it is Wednesday evening. This may seem like an impossible task, but do not worry, this was all consensual. Now, back on topic. Let's say that I grabbed a ballgag and shoved it in your mouth while you typed. Now this, of course, only fuels my passion. You would most likely be choking for air while tears streamed down your face. And you would find it impossible to publish this column Wednesday morning. Am I not correct?

Thank you for your time.

- Shenny Bapiro

Calvin & Hobbes

I recently moved a whole shitload of old stuff we had in storage into my basement and god damn: 90% of it is mine. Old transformers, LEGO, shit from gradeschool, middle/high school, college, Brooklyn, San Francisco. Some good shit.

I thought that was particularly sappy. So eat that shit.

...I gotta share more,

OK OK OK, that's enough. I guess I have a column to finish.

GLASS SMASH

That video right there is proof of why Stone Cold was better. Would have probably just burned the place down, chugged two beers (in reality only 2-3 ounces would end up being dranken), given a couple middle fingers and then ride off on a Harley.

Man, that Attitude Era was fucking awesome.

Manningcast

So this was the first time I've ever gotten a chance to dabble with the ManningCast. Been a subscriber to YouTube TV for the season and finally remembered that this shit DVRs itself. Started the morning with a nice mug of jetfuel cold brew, a bowl of cheerios, a peeled cuke up my asshole, and the Mannings on TV.

I gotta admit: it's shittier than the cucumber juice I squeeze out.

It's so fucking bad. Isn't this season two!? Is the production being done by Austin Collie or some other perma-concussed receivers from Peyton's days?? The volume of any guest is like 3x the Manning brothers'. There's so much boring dead-air. And the shit those two goobers talk about gets boring after a handful of minutes.

I couldn't make it one full quarter before I had to turn on the smooth voices of Smokin Joe Buck and Troy "fuck romo" Aikman.

Bill's @ Greatriots

I frankly do not remember if I had any hope during this game.

But if I had, Matt Patricia made sure to stifle it like he's still coaching the defense... which he may think he is doing. It would explain how we keep running into 3-and-outs like they're painted brick walls and we're Wile E. Coyote.

Don't let his scientician degree fool you: there are a shitload of stupid-as-fuck scientists out there. They try to create medication to help people suffering from angina, and end up with a bunch of fuckin boners. Fuckin morons.

Steelers @ Falcons

Death. Taxes. Steelers ending the season with an over .500 record.

As much as we all thought Pittsburgh sucked ass, Atlanta had to sit the Steelers down and show us all true consistency.

[Obligatory sympathy for Falcons fans]

Broncos @ Ravens

AHHHH HAHHAHAH AHHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA.

Holy shit. I cut my teeth (what the fuck does that even mean) with my sports fandom during the 90s. So I got to enjoy being crowned "The Fellowship of the Miserable" as well as constantly hearing about the greatness of the 80s Celtics while watching fuckfaced dinosaurs like Eric Montross lumber up and down the court. Shout out to Employee #8, though.

But yeah anyway, despite being regularly let down like I was some dumbwaiter, I still had it better than Broncos fans as of late.

And it makes me so happy to dance on the grave of their hope.

I watched the prosperity of a nameless people undone by a forgotten king. I stood by as rushing water took the lives of playing children. Wind carved through rock across uncounted centuries, and when the final precarious stone was toppled I was there to see it. My influence is potent and it reaches all things. While I feel neither remorse nor joy, my mark upon the fabric of life is indelible. Hope is not my enemy - it is the canvas upon which my pernicious brush performs its work. Joy exists in a fixed amount; for each measure of it so too must there be an equivalent portion of Sorrow, by whose agency I am driven. Time alone may lessen the stain of my touch. I originate from a place no light escapes, the one place where darkness glows so fiercely as to divert nearly all eyes. The misfortune of those who cannot fly from my nest is greater than any low fate I have gazed upon through timeless eons. My name is Failure, my home is Mile High Stadium and I, over Broncos Country, Preside.

Packers @ Bears

I think A-A-RON's been hanging out with known Nazi Sympathizer Well-Wisher, Yedolf a little too much.

Yikes. Who would have thought there'd be such a push for a fifth Reich. Who the fuck wants that? Has a 4th sequel ever been good (obvious exception is Rocky V)?? But yeah, Geopolitics aside: I think A-A-RON literally does own the Bears.

The crowd was shitting into Rodgers' open mouth, and yet he just demanded more and tossed a couple tiddies on the unwiped masses to ultimately win the game with a literal mouth full of poop.

Jags @ Lions

What a weird situation. Normally, I feel like it'd be in the best interest of the Bears to lose as many games as possible.

But I keep forgetting that their long-time franchise QB is taking care of it all: the team he was traded to is sucking so much ass, that the pick that Detroit received for aforementioned player is going to be a quite high.

Shit, it's gonna be higher than me that one time i put an entire 1/8th into a cake and ate it. Holy shit. I swear I could see through time.

Back to the NFL ... I found this pretty neato:

The Lions scored on 8 of their 9 possessions versus the Jaguars. Their final possession was 2 kneels in victory formation.

Source: some dude on reddit who believed the Lions were finishing 10-7.

..maybe..

Team that is starting a sexual assaulter at Quarterback vs. Texans

12/22 for 131 yards, 1 interception, and 20+ sexual assaults. And that motherfucker won. God damn it.

Stupid fuckin NFL and their measley 11-game suspension.

Jacoby died for this.

No .. wait.

Jets @ Vikings

What is this fucking Vikings team? As much pity as I have for fans of teams like the Washington Football Team or the Falcons or the Lions, the Vikings have a separate category all-together of: "I sure hope you live longer than your 50s with the consistently maddening ways your team plays."

I can't imagine any other team whose fans would lovingly and endearingly scream,

I HATE THIS TEAM LETS FUCKING GOOOOO

Maybe Jets fans. Maybe.

WFT @ Giants

The NFC East is fuckin weird as hell. But I guess it's a tradition? The Giants and Washington Football Team tied before, November 23, 1997. Fuckin' hell. 1997 was 25 years ago?? Fuuuuuuuck. That hurts my soul and my lower back.

Motherfuckin' Seahawks are just watching from the sideline all pissed because a tie doesn't help them one bit while saving both teams from a loss.

Titans @ Eagles

Incredible performance by the refs. Always a big fan whenever Adrian Hill and Roy Ellison share a field. Jim Quirk (I have him on my superflex ref fantasy league - best Side Judge in the league) should definitely be in one of the lockerrooms icing his shoulder. No idea how he was able to perform with that kind of consistency. And the range.

Also, did you all know that AJ Brown used to be on the Titans? Wild shit!

Seahawks @ Chargers other LA team

Fuck this stupid Rams logo. I can't stop thinking "Chargers" when I see that logo, I swear that has to be one of the rules of design: the logo can't fucking remind people of a direct competitor. Also, I gotta stop saying logo.

Holy fuck, this Seahawks team is really fuckin fun. Geno Smith. I still can't fucking believe this shit.

Dolphins @ 9ers

I'm sure all seven Purdy jerseys are gone from that 9ers shop.

[Nick Bosa] Sounds like he's fighting for his life after taking a 500mg edible

Chiefs @ Bengals

Looks like Mahomes has himself a fuckin rival. 3-0 against the Chiefs. Joe Burrow is so fuckin cool.

Dibs on Joe Burrow being Brady. Mahomes can be that fuckin HGH goober five-head sexual molester, Peyton Manning. Although it'll be quite the test - I don't know if Patrick Mahomes' dad can be a shit human being on the level of Archie Manning.

Anyway, fuckin fun as fuck game to watch on Sunday. Let's fuckin go, Bengals. Who Dey, indeed.

Chargers @ Raiders

Perhaps the most second most winningest cry we've seen in NFL history:

3-0 since them beautiful eyes cried those tears

Number one is obvious:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r43Rfh6Csjg

Haha just kidding, I meant:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5nt8geK-Gs&t=43s

What a god damn crybaby, jesus fucking christ.

Fuck the NFL and it's stupid fucking restrictive sharing.

...

That said, crying rules. That feeling you feel after a good cry is second only to that feeling after you puke. Such clarity and peace.

Colts @ 'Boys

Ahhhhh. Now after a fresh bong hit, I'm ready to conclude this with the next to last game.

And what a game it was. Jesus Matt Ryan is done. Put Matty on Ice at this point.

The game was pretty fuckin close, a god damn 2-point game. With 14 minutes left in the game .. then 12 minutes later the score was 54-19. What the fuck?

If you told a Colts fan at around 14 minutes left in the game when they were only losing by two points, that Indy was going to end the game with the victory formation, I'm pretty sure they'd have fucking been so happy they could shit.

Unfortunately, 33 points were scored in the following 12 minutes .. exclusively by the Cowboys. To bring the score to 54-19. Again: what the fuck?

Saints @ Buccos

And behind that door, Tom Brady was waiting with a 12-guage shotgun.

It was really something special to witness another fourth quarter comeback by the GOAT. It's so fucking incredible to watch him work.

Given how shit this division is,,

I think Brady's making another postseason - but his win % is gonna take a hit because there's no way they go that deep, unless they can keep him upright. He'll fuckin' drag that pure dead weight team to the Super Bowl even if it kills him.

Weekly Recaps

Alllll right, popped a Benadryl a couple hours ago, ripping bongs all night long, time to have some auditory hallucinations while writing th-.. WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?? Oh right, the bennies.

Welcome to the recaps. Get comfy, lower those expectations, and with any luck I won't get burned from not proofreading this this column.

W - 145.86 (8-5) The Impossible Kid

L - 127.52 (5-8) Matural Light

Holy fuckin scheiße.

Who needs Tractorcito when you have Geno Smith and Davante Adams dragging along five other 10+ point performances.

Oh shit. I should say, five other 10 or more point performances - Shooter McPherson scored an even 10.

Actually, is 10+ inclusive or not? Was my original statement accurate? I probably didn't need those extra words to clarify what I meant. If anyone out there knows how to Google something and tell me the answer, I'm all ears. Or eyes. Fucking whatever.

Oh my gosh.

Taysom Hill scored an even 12.34 points and it's maybe the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Solid win.

W - 109.60 (11-2) The Dakstreet Boys

L - 92.98 (7-6) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

The Battle of South Hall (you guys lived in South, right? My memory is pretty foggy for whatever reason) rages on for another chapter, with Dakstreet capturing the win despite having a less-than-stellar showing. Holy shit, this was the week to try to catch him slippin.

No one caught Dakstreet slippin

Bold move to bench Josh Jacobs. I know there were rumors but good god. Imagine losing because you didn't go with the horse you god damn fucking traded from me for .. fucking Travor Lawrence because Kadarius is probably going to be injured long enough SO I CAN'T START HIM AND ENSURE HE IS ELIGIBLE FOR KEEPING BY ME. FUCKING SHIT.

L - 88.48 (2-11) I Am The Captain Now

W - 124.02 (11-2) Seyton Manning

Fuckin Seyton.

Not even starting a god damn kicker and still wins by 35+ points.

This motherfucker handlin' his fantasy pressure like Joe Burrow handles his field pressure.

I'm frankly confused as fuck about what seems like inconsistent scoring on the roster, but whatever, shit worked.

And damn Captain, at least throw Fratford and Cooper "2girls 1" Kupp in IR spots and grab players to fuck over playoff teams. Stop this malarkey.

W - 143.12 (5-8) SCHWAAAAAAAAB

L - 77.38 (7-6) Flip Flops & Deshaun Watson sexually assaulted over two dozen women

Sheeeeeeeeeeit. From the highest of highs last week, to gettin dusted by motherfuckin SCHWAAAAAAAEEYB.

And that was withi that god damn Mike Williams only mustering up a goose-egg. Painful loss for this time of year - and solid upset by SCHWAAAAAAAAAB.

I have to admit: I enjoyed watching Deshaun Watson struggle. And I'm genuinely curious how you handle rooting for your fantasy team with that unsettling detail back of mind. There's not really a reason to hold it against anyone personally for having them on the roster. Of all the ways that a player gets endorsed, having him on your fantasy roster is probably not even on the fucking list.

But yeah, I hope he never tops 6 points.

W - 156.78 (8-5) 91 Shrimp

L - 114.82 (5-8) mzarecta

Wow. What a week. That Hurts Brown combo is fucking awesome. Toss in a smattering of Diggs, and who the fuck cares what the rest of the roster does. But then you go ahead and get 20 from fuckin Dallas, and 10+ from three more.

Shit man. I probably say the same shit about Hurts/Brown/Diggs every fucking week. God damn.

I dunno, I ain't got much else.

L - 106.36 (3-10) Spider 2 Y U do this

W - 121.46 (6-7) The Scallywags

Welp. I had some decent numbahs, but unfortunately not starting a DEF, Jeff Wilson Jr. fuckin sucks, Hayden Hurst "Helmsley" is also fuckin terrible, and mother. fucking. JuJu might be one of the most frustrating fantasy players of all-time. Drops key passes. Fumbles at worst times. Can't get 3 points when you need them. Scores 19 when you win by 30.

Whatever. At least I have three wins. Fuckin poops.

Fin.

And just like that, lucky Week 13 is done and gone. We're into December, Tuesday was Saint Nicholas' Day, which is a mini-Christmas in Poland. Probably should have warned people if they wanted to do something neato for the kids. I know I loved that shit growing up: I'd get a mini LEGO set or some other bullshit.

That aside, bring it on December! I can't wait to start setting up the Christmas Village somewhere in the new house. Take care my dudes and have a great week 14!