Au Reservoir
Yeah.
I ain't got shit for this one outside maybe a meme or two,
Football happened.
Actually, two weeks of football happened: week 17 and a game or two on Saturday from week 18 before I finally get this shit out. My bad. It's 2022 and it's gettin harder and harder to get out of the bed by 11am.
But whatever, everyone's playin hurt this time of year. Everyone has to make sacrifices for the betterment of the sport. No individual is bigger than the Shield No no no, not James Shields. I'm talking about The Shield.
God damn it, no, not the show with Mikey Chiklis god fucking damn it.
The SHIELD, god damn it. The fuck is wrong with you? It's just a stupid acronym and it's probably the biggest shit in media/entertainment now, only influencing more and more of popular culture.
Fuck man. Not only is that wrong but god damn it reminds me of how dirty The Mouse did so many of those really good Marvel/MCU shows. God damn. Like. The fuck are they doin with Agent 19's watch? The fuck did Mockingbird ever god damn do to Mickey, huh? HUH?
But yeah, wrong fucking Shield you dipshit. Fortunately there can't be any other wrong answers left.
...
fuck this.
But for reals,
I ain't got shit for week 17 games, and good thing too because the week 18 games literally start as I'm writing this right now.
Proof.
So yeah, some people save their best material for last, other people start off on the right foot, then there are some of us that exist only to be anxious of the next task that needs completion. And don't worry, that anxiety has been driving me to photoshop and write dumbassery for decades, so it has to be good.
Flip Flop & Coronas
In the beginning
There were Flips.
Then there were Flops.
Somehow, through a miracle of nature and lots of trial and error, Flip Flops were borned. From the deepest recesses of our planet, unearthed from scorching magma, Flip Flops would lead armies for generations.
Until Corona. Coronas would soon cover the land, their alliance with the lime colonies were too much for anyone to withstand. The ensuing confrontation with Flip Flops came.
And went.
There was no war.
There was no bloodshed.
There was nothing but tearful joy at the convergence of the foretold prophecy of,
Flip Flops & Coronas.
Wow, what am I on?
A loss.
The Scallywags and 1.04 god damn points were the difference between starting off the season, week one with a victory or loss.
If there is a takeaway: it would be that after week one, Flip Flops & Coronas wouldn't be under .500 for the rest of the season.
After a collective +40 point differential the next two weeks (both wins), The Chosen Ones found themselves Flipping and Flopping between wins and losses for literal weeks.
On the bright side of these seemingly bipolar performances, this motherfucker scored 216.44 points against I Am The Captain Now. And that's fucking insane.
Make it stop
And eventually. It did.
Week 10 broke the mold. Seyton was destroyed via the BYE week and the IR. It was truly a beautiful sight.
..just ignore that loss to The Impossible Kid (oh, what could have been - amirite?)..
And Flip Flops & Coronas wouldn't see the bad side of a matchup again.
This mother fucker ended the season shitting out 200.22 points against SCHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB.
Fucked 'em up
Round One of the playoffs saw Matural Light get absolutely fucked by Flip Flops. Like .. playoff wins carry a 1.8x when it comes to difference, just because that's how brutal it feels. So yeah, losing by ... add the multiplier .. divide by zero ... yeah, you lost by 60 fuckin points man. For shame.
When I look at the actual boxscore, sometimes it's tough for me to actually do the math and see how the fuck this dude even got 133.18 points.
Tom Brady
And now. A rematch from an earlier Championship game.
Why did I label this section this way? I have no fucking clue.
L - 152.52 (10-7) Chubb and Tug
W - 172.78 (11-5) Flip Flops & Coronas 🏆
And what a matchup this was. It's kind of unfortunate that the matchup was essentially settled by the end of the Bengals game given Ja'Marr Chase's absolutely other-worldly performance.
I have to hand it to Chubb and Tug for trying to handcuff Brady with Antonio Brown .. but talk about your all-time backfires, for both you and Tom Brady. And well, Arians. And the entire Tampa Bay Buccaneer organization.
Valiant effort. But we'll see you at the rookie draft.
Now:
Holy shit. Four fucking time champ-een.
Incredible work, Epon. Your work as a fantasy football manager is just fuckin .. incredible? I don't really understand it, but holy shit. It's incredibly impressive.
You're gonna have four fucking nameplates on that fuckin' trophy now. Good Lord.
https://i.imgur.com/J7l1pM0.png for downloading porpoises
I know I just said it but god damn I owe you some exclusive 4-time Champion photoshops. I need to dig up that one I made years and years and years ago that still didn't have all the 'ships you had won in it.
Fin.
Last column of the year is the first column of the year, all thanks to this weird fuckin year of football. Hope everyone had a blast, I know I definitely did. As always throughout the season of me bitching and moaning about cheese and losing, y'all came along for the ride.
So I hope everyone has a wonderful and highly successful 2022. May all your Gamestop investments payoff so you can spend it on some stupid fuckin thing like a lamborghini or something. With any luck I may see one of you, and until then (and even after then, too) I hope everyone stays healthy and safe. Much love to you all,
Enjoy more photos and videos of my growing petting zoo!
I was somehow able to capture the action on my hyperslo-mo camera that records at 10,000 frames per second:
You gotta bulk up a little, Cashew.
And last but absolutely not least, here's how I feel when you guys message me about enjoying the column - not any specific column, not the latest one, not all of them, just any .. shit, it could just be one that a fellow league-member told you about. But when I read that email/text it just,,,
Love you guys. Have a great 2022 and see you at the draft!
(if not earlier!)
