This past Sunday was a momentous occasion. No, not because the Greatriots righted the ship. No, not because I made any sort of shift in fantasy football. And definitely no, I wasn't anywhere the fuck near Munich for that fuckin game.

It was mine and Rachel's very first NFL Football Game!

That's right.

And not in the sense that it's the first game we are attending together, it is literally each our first times watching any National Football League game live, in a stadium.

Sure, I guess there is a little shame in that - we're both New England Greatriot fans and neither of us has ever seen the greatest Patriots to ever play in person:

• Brady
• Gronk
• Bruce Armstrong (my GOAT)
• Bledsoe
• (the good) Faulk
• Bruschi
• Vrabel
• Chris Slade
• Tebucky Jones
• Sam Gash (GOAT fullback name)
• Adam Vinatieri
• Gost-face
• Welker
• Randy Mawss
• Jules
• Ty Law
• Lawyer Milloy
• Junior Seau
• Revis
• "Clock Killin" Corey Dillon
• Vince Wilfork
• Richard Seymour
• The list goes on and on and on, holy shit does it go on

At least Rachel had participated in at least one rally (before the 2018 Super Bowl). My best attempt at attending a sporting event in-around Foxborough was a 1999 Revs game at that piece of shit Foxboro field. Sure, it was a god damn blast, but I can't believe it's been almost 25 years (although I was there for an AC/DC concert thanks to Feeley, like 10 years ago - that shit was fucking fun).

Anyway, it was fucking fun as hell. I reached back and had a performance for the ages. Despite just turning 40-years-old in July, I was able to dial it back to my college years, and started pounding beers and burgers at 1030am.

And unlike my college years, these were 3 and change % Natty Lights - they were kick-you-in-the-fuckin-face IPAs that ranged from 5.9%-6.8%

Hell man, I even did the decent thing and not asked the tailgate chef in charge to "hold the cheese." I fuckin pounded those charred-as-fuck beef patties with any cheese they came with. Sure, I complained several times to Rachel, but voice a request to the grillman? No fuckin way.

I have to say, I almost fumbled the road soda though: I completely forgot to transfer my beer into a red solo cup before the trek. Thankfully, someone gave me the protip and I was on my way with 18 more ounces of brew for the 30 minute walk. Nothing like pounding a couple road sodas in public. Really harking back to the days I barely remember.

So enough about the tailgating, let's talk about the game. The game.

The game I go out there and die for.

And boy, it sure was a game all right. I thought they were frustrating to watch on TV, but live you get to see all the players at once - the in-person all-22 was sight to behold, and jesus fucking hell it was obnoxious. Yeah sure, there was quite a bit of excitement watching the turnovers by the defense (although I missed the forced fumble takin a piss, but it's always such a glorious bonding moment when you're away from the action with other fans, and everyone's trying to make the funniest joke about something going on while none of us are there watching), seeing the tiddie toss to Hunter "Hearst" Henry, and that incredible run by Deandre the Giant.

But then the shit. So many dropped passes. So many terrible throws. So many terrible, horrible, god awful flags.

And most of all: that fucking 3rd and 23 conversion by Howell where all he did was run for the first down. Who the fuck lets a non-mobile QB get that fucking first down? Holy shit that was trash.

I spent quite a bit of that fourth quarter just hanging my head down in absolute shame while masshole fans around us were telling Mac to "get youah head in the fahken game" or "who the fahk is that cohnah who couldn't cover a bed!?" And of course, "THAT LIGHTHOUSE IS WICKED FAHKEN FAKE, TOO"

Sure. The game ended in embarrassment when our for-sure game winning drive sputtered and Mac tossed a god damn motherfucking game-ending interception. So many disappointed fans just showering the field with curses and boos.

But then it happened.

Now - before I get to the incredible event, I'd like to discussing a topic that I'm sure anyone of us who have ever attended a sporting event has thought about: what happens if I fell forward over some seats? If you're in the lower deck, there really isn't that problem. There's enough space in to allow people to shuffle to their seats deep inside a row, and if not people can stand up and give you a little more wiggle room.

But if you're in the nosebleeds, the upper-decks, the 300s and above, shit gets sheer. The backs of seats barely poke above the path and you can't really rely on leaning on them for support. And there's the possibility that, if you maybe lost your balance, how far would you tumble?

Well. Rachel and I learned through first-hand observation that you'd tumble a minimum of 3-4 rows of seats. Holy fuckin shit, and you're gonna god damn land HARD.

No one from our group actually saw what originally happened, but before we knew it, two male adults just fucking tumbled backwards into our row, slamming down on the seats next to us before finally stoppin in the row ahead of us. It was fuckin wild, one of the dudes took quite a bit of impact right IN THE FAAACE, popping his hat off.

Thankfully, no shoes went flying so immediately I knew no one died - but they were fuckin rocked hard. The older guy just kept holding his mouth - but no blood, or even broken teeth. But holy shit, those aerial acrobatic tumblers must have god damn tossed themselves down with how far they rolled. My only regret is not actually seeing how they fell originally, because it must have been quite the fucking sight. I can only assume one started falling and grabbed the other, kicking off a deep-seeded rivalry and/or brotherly hatred that will last for as long as the bumps and bruises do.

All in all, great time in section 313 for the Patriots game. Fuckin sucked that they gave up a god damn fucking touchdown lead, but whatever, at least I got to get drunk and see a game, all for free.

ENN EFF ELLLLLLLelelelelelelel

This is going to be the stupidest fuckin abbreviated shit you ever done seen.

SO BUCKLE-UP BUCKAROOS

Tittans @ Stillers

It ain't pretty, but the fuckin Steeers are 5-3

That AFC Norf is such a clusterfuck. Gonna give the 2002 AFC BEast a run for competitiveness (all teams finished 9-7 except the Bills who went 8-8).

Fraudphins @ Chefs

Photo of Dolphins arriving at the game vs. the Chiefs

Vikes @ Failcons

STL Cards @ BOROWNS

LARims @ Packpackpack

The 9ers really fuckin made out like bandits by having their bye-week to just watch the absolute fucking failings of the rest of their division.

Commies @ Trashriots

Not sure what the fuck else I can even say about this game.. And really the entire fucking division either.

It's gonna be a long couple of years with Bill searching for the right mix of players while the rest of the NFL deservedly dunks on us like a 21st Century Lister Blister.

Brrrs @ Aints

All I got are a couple fun facts:

• The Saints are now 15-1 when Hill has 8 or more rushing attempts in a game.
• A coin has correctly predicted the Saints first 9 weeks

Seadonkeys @ Raves

Ravens treat the NFC like Brady treat the Bills.

Quoth the Raven,

"Imma fuck you up."

Buccos @ Tejans

Baker Mayfield watching his defense giving up the win to ruin his chance at a game-winning touchdown drive

Clots @ Kittehs

Gins @ Rrrrrrrrraiders

daLLLLas @ EGLSES

Bill's @ Bungles

Here's a clip from some movie: Bills fans watching the Bills leave 13 seconds for Mahomes knowing now it was their last shot at a Super Bowl,

Charge @ Jest

Recaps!

L (4-5) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W (4-5) The Impossible Kid

Another week, another absolutey dismal fucking performance by Davante Adams. This asshole started off the year averaging 19.05 points per game and just god damn dropped off to the point where he hasn't mustered 10 or more for the last 5.

The fact that The Impossible Kid is actually doing the impossible by hovering around .500 is a miracle in itself - but I guess that's something he can thank studs like Mayfield and Olave for. And by studs, I mean holy shit who the fuck are these assholes?? amirite!?!?

Welp. Maybe if Gabe Davis could have god damn fucking done anything then SCHWABSTER would have a fightin' chance.

W (4-5) I Am the Captain Now

L (3-6) The Scallywags

Holy fuckin hell man.

Desmond Ridder and CJ Stroud vs. Zach Wilson and Mac Jones - what a stupid set of tag teams. And I don't care how many franchises would kill for Stroud (people were throwing Herbert into the hall of fame after his rookie year), the crop of QBs we have in the NFL are fuckin sad.

The Scallywags was completely let down by the dynamic AFC East duo .. something that every fucking person on Earth could have predicted with absolute certainty.

Who would have thought the preferred starting duo was sitting on the fucking bench: Josh Dobbs and Tyler "T-Baggin" Bagent.

Not even Super Demario could have saved your ass.

L (2-7) Flip FLops & Coronas

W (6-3) mzarecta

I guess the magic of broken in Levis only works in denim form as there just was no Will or way to a win for Flip Flops thanks to a fucking sad as hell triple-threat of a Hopkins Waddle Chase just couldn't make up the 11 points needed to capture a victory.

Fuckin mza and his wild wild winning ways is something I can't help but observe in awe. This motherfucker started a fuckin tight end in his superflex and it paid off superbly. I swear to God, some people just know how to make all the luck for themselves.

L (5-4) Inglebert Paratestes

W (5-4) Seyton Manning

Wait. Llamar Jackson only scored 11.48 fuckin points?? How?? The Ravens won by like 58 points on Sunday. How the fuck is that even possible? I swear I saw that Mark Andrews had a million fantasy points all by himself. What the fuckery is goin on??

And what the fuck, NO T. Hill is god damn killin in while MIA T. Hill was missing in action.

I know I bring this up a lot, but this Superflex addition is really pushing the limits as to what we consider a decent QB start. Just look at who Inglebert even had: Heinicke and O'Connell??? Are these even real fucking people?? Unbelievable. It wasn't that long ago when we barely even needed to know 16 starting QBs.

PS. Given how much Taysom has become an absolute TD Vulture on the Saints, I can't imagine begin to imagine the frustration

W (6-3) 91 Shrimp

L (5-4) Matural Light

Brutal. Matural Light performing his best impression of me and my fantasy team ended up with the exact result that I experience on a weekly basis: A fucking loss. Not even the young stud (who kinda has been starting to disappoint) quarterback in Herbert could drag this corpse roster out from the graveyard of lost hopes and dreams.

This motherfucker didn't just fail to hit 100, he didn't even hit 90. Who fuckin does that?

Speaking of bums, Mr. Tush Push himself, Jalen Hurts led the way for 91 Shrimp to capture his sixth win. Somehow getting his ass a second fuckin seed. He may have already had it for all I know, but I don't know much so chances are I didn't know if he had it already.

And if that didn't confuse the fuck outta you, how about this bit of detail:

I uhhh. Uhh. Hmm. I got nothing else. Also, who is Jake Ferguson?? Doesn't Dallas have some other tight end? Goedert or something, right?

L (2-7) Neon Dion DeSantis

W (8-1) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

It was kind of a nice feeling coming into this week all optimistic and shit. Reminded me of better times,

You know, before week 1 happened

Not sure why I ever felt optimistic this week, the BYE week absolute ravaged my shit. And then on top of that I hda to deal with Daniel Jones being the most obvious useless fucking player. PJ Walker barely scored fewer points and that motherfucker literally did not play a single down in week 9.

Danny Dipshi is really fuckin' bad at this stupid fucking game. All I know is that the Patriots better plan on fuckin losing against the Giants so help me god, they better have a top 3, maybe top 2 pick.

Ek? He did pretty good. Both in terms of talkin some shit and banter, to sharing funny little messages on game day. Solid battle. Probably one of the worst QB perforamnces I've ever seen from Tune, shockingly worse than Daniel Jaones', which is worth respecting.

Fin.

OK. Good Lord thank goodness it's over. I probably should have just taken a bye this week - it was a struggle to get through all the matchups using complete sentences. Sometimes you just ain't got it, but if you've made it to this point then I congratulate and appreciate you.

If you haven't, then I still appreciate you.

Good luck this week everyone! We're halfway through the NFL season, which means we're a little bit over halfway through the fantasy season.

Cherish these moments! I know I do!

Take care, fuckers. Love you.