Battle of the Rotary Fast Foods

As per usual, if you ain't interested in whatever dipshit content I happen to have vomit this week, just scroll on down to the NFL Recapulations!

Growing up, there was a rotary dubbed, the Ayer Rotary. Well, it goes by a more official name as well: Frederick Carlton Circle. Come the holidays, it has some really pretty decorations and lights all set up. Around it are a number of local companies that truly are institutions for the area:

• Ford Gervais
• Jack O'Lantern Package Store
• That turn off where the Boy Scouts sold Christmas Trees
• Another liquor store that no one really went to

And of course,

• Wendy's
• McDonald's

Later in life, a KFC showed up, closed, and became Taco Bell. But I'm going to focus on the two most essential of businesses that surrounded that rotary:

That McDonald's.

And that Wendy's.

So Rachel and I decided to pay them a visit, order some of our favorite nostalgia-rich foods from our younger years and actually compare them on the spot. Would this be definitive? No. Would there be some hypothesis made? God no. Would there be a control and experimental group? Come the fuck on.

But we had enjoyed a flight of Clover Road Brewing's finest IPAs and decided that it would be an entertaining way for me to get some much needed content.

Before I just jump into the deep end, I just wanted to provide all of you who may not be familiar with these two fine establishments some context as to what they had going for them:

McDonald's

As far as I can remember, this shit (along with the Wendy's) has existed - and due to its long lifespan it has gone through a number of evolutions. Long gone are the photos pre-Playplace, but I was able to dig up some when it carried that old nostalgic look we all grew up with:

I mean, look at that monstrous playplace. Of course, it was completed when my ass was too old to play in it, which was probably for the best given that most of them are just vessels for poopoo and peepee particles.

At that point in my life, I was too busy getting absolutely toasted and struggling to order the same damn thing off the menu that I always ordered: the number 2.

But fast forward a decade or two, and look at what they've done to my boy:

It's just so ... soulless. Shit man, that font is so god damn sterile. How can any child have fun in a place reads like a monotone voice?

They've even installed the big ol' high definition screens you can place your orders from. Sure, they're pretty neato and responsive when you order with them, but fuck if they are completely and absolutely devoid of personality. I swear to god these telescreens are subliminally demanding you order more food than you should probably find yourself in possession of.

Shit man, they even actually use both drive-thru windows! I feel like most every single fast food restaurant I would use would never have both windows operating. One would just be filled in with cardboard or some shit.

Wendy's

Ahhhh. Good ol' Wendy's. The favorite of so many of my stoner friends (I was partial to McDonald's and that fantastic number 2). While it's probably just as old as that McDonald's, it has gone through zero changes since its inception.

Just look at this beautiful abomination:

You can't even tell the front from the fuckin back - just a glorious construction of the oldest damn bricks you ever done seen.

However, I can't continue until I come clean with everyone: it had undergone changes. But only internally.

It had the one. The only.

THE SUPERBAR

I'm sure the food was a nightmare, but this 90s kid will always look back on making garbage tacos at my Wendy's, fondly.

TIME TO JUDGE RONALD'S MCDONALD

OK. Back to the judging.

To begin, Rachel and I ordered ourselves the latest version of the number 2 - now it's called the number 7 (inflation has hit us all), and it's not $4 and change, it's fucking $9.29.

And we also picked up a side of 6 chicken nuggies and a medium(?) - maybe a large - fries.

We placed our order all futuristically, was congratulated and shit,

And began the judgment.

Nuggies

I know they upgraded them fuckers in like 2002 from whatever fried blobs of "chicken-esque meatery" they had before, but I had never actually contemplated their deliciousness. And delicious they were. But that was probably whatever chemicals they decided to inject into them before handing us our product.

Rachel couldn't be bothered to even grade them. Easily third place out of the three items we picked up.

6/10

Fries

Fucking delicious. I mean, everyone knows McDonald's fries are that perfect combination of maybe-potato, salt, meat-grease, and crack-cocaine. It's almost cheating how consistently good they are. I almost wished I could supersize them fuckers still, but then I remembered I'm 40 and am going to fucking hate myself for eating 5 at a time.

8/10

Cheeseburgers

Kings stay kings. One of the first reasons I fell in love with Rachel was during some drunken anecdote-telling, we both realized that not only did we remember them by their birthname (Number 2), but that order was both of our favorites growing up.

It's a long and storied history of that meal showing up on that menu, eventually finding their way off the menu being replaced by some horseshit between two buns and requiring any prospective orderers to request "the two cheeseburger meal" like some shithead, to eventually finding their way back ON to the menu during the expansion era of drive-thru menu items.

11/10

Misc Mentions

It was fun hanging out in the parking lot, where you can always find at least 8 people vaping at any moment in time and your chance of being brutally murdered rises by 25%. It's truly a magical place.

TIME FOR SOME WENDY'S

OK. Time for the second location. Time for Wendy's. It's going to be a tough showing for that red-headed bitch, but I think our stoner choices will put up a good fight against that god damn piece of shit clown.

The drive-thru itself was hilariously outdated. That shit was not just frozen in fucking time, it was a hilarious look back to when we all used to actually be happy, excited for the future, and all the incredible memes you're the man now dog dot com would bestow on the World.

When you had to put in the smallest effort to find free porn on the internet.

When kazaa and morpheus allowed you to either download the entire Hoobastank discography, or completely destroy your home computer and whatever network it happened to be on because you didn't realize the filename ended in .mp3.exe

No animations. Nothing special. Barely audible speakers. It was beautiful.

And to give it even more authenticity:

They don't even use one of their two drive-thru windows - because they keep it real for us asshole millennials.

So what contestants did we run into for this?

Fries

Meh. Potatoey. Salty. Whatever. They're like BK fries in that they fatten you the fuck up, are loaded with super unhealthy bullshit, but just don't go that extra mile that have you dying to eat more.

Shit, I was kinda vibin' on a nice streak of tasty fries and then grabbed one of those thick uncooked ones - you know the ones I'm talking about, they're a little too chewy because they're still mostly potato and haven't had their soul completely cooked out. Shit fucking sucked.

5/10

Junior Bacon Cheeseburger

Now. Let me preface this with the fact that when we were much younger, this shit used to be the King of Shit Mountain, as in, it was the shit. It was the dominating face of the 99 cent menu. My ass would smoke way too much shitty New England weed from some glass piece that was purchased from Headlines, then while listening to the latest TOOL cd find myself at the Wendy's drivethru with some other degenerate friends of mine. We'd each order like, two or three of these fucking monstrocities for $3 and just absolutely shred these fuckers.

Well.

I can't really speak to whether the quality has changed or what, but jesus fucking christ they are just sad.

Taking the first few bites from one reminded me of that time I booted up Goldeneye on N64 a handful of years ago, fueled by over a decade of nostalgia.

My memories of pixel-perfect player models, incredible framerates, and tight controls were nothing but brain-lies.

How the ever-loving fuck did we play that first person shooter with only a single joystick?? We had to fuckin use those four yellow "camera" buttons to walk around.

Anyway, the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger was fucking horrific. The bun was the cheapest white bread ever conceived. The bacon was .. well .. present. The beef? Well, it was eaten.

Rachel was mildly terrified when I told her how many of those fuckers I'd eat in a sitting.

3/10

Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Now this. I wish I had eaten more of these growing up. This was Rachel's choice and boy, it was a fucking winner. Holy shit it was so fucking good. So meaty. So spicy. So full of life and crunch. The buns were thicc. It was a god damn legit sammy we had in our hands.

I think it affected Rachel even moreso. Its potent flavor made her black out for a minute or two from the intense nostalgia of traveling back to senior year in high school when she'd get this shit Biggie sized and actually enjoy the consequence of a burning asshole.

I could go on and disgust the fuck out of all of you, but words will simply never convey the incredible nature of such a chikky sammy.

10/10

The Verdict

Stay the fuck away from this garbage holy shit. Maybe when I was a teenager or in my 20s and I could melt the weight away while also pounding 18 beers per night every weekend, but today? At 40? Fuck that shit. I could feel the shame sweating from my pores the next day.

Unless of course, they come out with Millennial meals where we get some fuckin rad toys or some shit. I may be 40 but fuck if I didn't like throwaway toys n shit.

REMEMBER THESE FUCKIN THINGS?? I would seriously go crazy collecting as many of those as I could as a god damn adult.

I'm actually fairly certain I have a couple of them somewhere in storage.

C'mon McDonald's. Bring those back and give me a cut of them delicious profits for being such a fucking genius.

NFL RECAPULATIONS

Kirkings @ Iggles

Fuckin Eagles - but that's pretty amazing,,,

And also, Philly fans are fucking hilariously creative and god damn they are not a fanbase I want targetting my favorite team. I love how fucking much the Eagles own the Vikes as of late.

Packpackpack @ Failcons

Holy shit, you have two incredible running backs and an offense built around them - WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PASSING AT THE 2-YARD-LINE YOU STUPID FUCKERS. ARE YOU DRUNK?

Speaking of being drunk as fuck, Jordan ... you OK down there?

..or maybe it's the whole damn team. I swear Dillon's had a few too many himself,

Dude can't fucking take multiple steps forward without falling (in case you don't understand what the video is demonstrating).

Das Vegas Rrrrrrrrrrrraiders @ Bill's

Vegas scored first, then got their poopoo pushed in by Buffalo, holy fuckin balls.

It's week 2, I'm sure there has to be something to learn here.. and that would be:

committing turnovers = bad
forcing turnovers = good

Also, Josh Allen being bad for one game doesn't a downward trend make. Turns out you need more data to like .. have a good sample size.

(THIS DEMANDS SOUND 🔉)

RIP Josh Jacob fantasy owners. Hahah, 9 carries for -2 yards. How the fuck does that even happeN?

Baldimore @ Bungles

Oh shit. Ravens have wide receivers now? Ruh roh.

..or maybe it's just Llamar vs. the Bengals bullshittery. He is 7-1 vs Cincy.

Rainy city bitch pigeons @ Sad Lions

Last two matchups between these two have been absolutely fuckin wild, and the Seahawks haven't lost since 2012 (which was actually a really close game 24-28). Must be frustrating as fuck for the Lions who are trying to rewrite their legacy of suck.

LAClippers @ Tittans

I should just repost the same Chargers summary from last week, here. How the fuck are people even Chargers fans? Like, why would anyone do that to themselves? Are there really Chargers fans from birth?

They have a generational QB and the motherfucker is 25-26.

L O L
O
L

Come the fuck on, that has to be a joke, right? Fucking fire Staley yesterday. There's no way he survives the season.

Like literally: he will be hunted for sport by week 5.

Daaaa Brrs @ Buccaroos

Justin Fields fuckin sucks, doesn't he? RIGHT??

I just want to thank everyone who outbid or straight-up drafted Fields before I had a chance to in order to protect me from myself and my dumbass opinions.

Every year, the Bears take one step forward, then three steps back, then take a sack.

Baker definitely Bakin' tho.

Chefs @ Jaggin' off

Like most everyone who plays fantasy football, I'm sure they were super fuckin pumped for an offensive fuck-fest. Instead we all got a defensive showdown.

And I know I personally could not be any more disappointed. What the fuck, you guys!? Fucking Chris Jones, you god damn fucking asshole. Why'd you have to come back against Jacksonville??

Lolts @ Texans

Minsherdson is the jorts-wearing, mustache rockin, beer chuggin, two-headed beast no one saw coming.

Along with .. CJ STROUD IS GOOD?? WHAT THE HECK (although some people saw that coming)

9ers @ Ramses

Puka Nacua. I just can't wait to have that fuckin name shoved down my throat over the next couple of weeks.

Is this the Purdy floor? Not bad if it is.

McVay definitely fucked up the spread at the end there. That shit will always make me laugh.

Geee Men @ Cardinals

If you don't love the Giants at their 0-60, then you don't deserve them at their 31-28.

The tank for Caleb (they really gotta come up with a better rhyming phrase by week 5) sweepstakes is still on for 'Zona.

That's Tank Commander Gannondorf to you, private

Jest @ Dallas

Jets Defense: Legit.
Dallas Defense: Legit.

Jets Offense: Oh god. Oh no.
Dallas Offense: Efficient and dependent on kicking.

Just FYI: Jets have like 9 more primetime games this season.

Commies @ Donkeys

Sam Howell has started 24 fewer games than Justin Fields and yet only has two fewer career wins.

Oh wait, they aren't playing against the Bears, they're playing - THE DUMBASS BRONCOS:

AHHH HAHAHHAHAHA

Lolphins @ Greatriots

Don't mind me, just relaxing on the couch for Sunday Night Football, enjoying the Greatriots game,,,

Spotlight on the Patriots when they need a clutch play:

The fuck was that shit!?

Cool. Another dumb as fuck set of circumstances that dug the god damn fucking Patriots into a stupid fucking hole they couldn't crawl their inept asses out of. What the fuck.

NOOOOOO @ Car

Oh my God, David Derek Carr is so fuckin bad. His beautiful eyes can't distract from his trash play anymore, it's probably because the silver and black did a much better job at making his natural mascara pop.

Can we please get neither of these dumpster fires in primetime again? Please!?

BOROWNS @ Steeeeers

Man. What a fucking brutal result, and yet another piece of evidence that running backs need better league-wide financial support.

Or ditch the franchise tag or some bullshit, I dunno.

And while that Pittsburgh defense was fucking wild as fuck, holy shit what the god-fearing shit is wrong with their offense? Steeler fans nationwide are starting their own movement,

Recap time!

W - 169.56 (2-0) mzarecta

L - 118.20 (0-2) SCHWAAAAAAAB

Holy fuckin shit.

What in the fresh hell is mza feeding his players!? Just absolutely fucking annihilated the SCHWAAAAAAABster.

In a way, it was actually a really generous move by mza because SCHWAAAAAAAB can't even kick himself for leaving 47.20 points on the bench in Nacua and Mustard because of the literal zero production from Jones & Jones. Even with that shit, he still would have lost. Fucking insanity. And I hate it.

I absolutely can't fucking believe what I'm looking at - I refuse to believe this.

SCHWAAAAAAB got absolutely fucked. Like,, that profile photo of his is the true to life reaction I made when I first looked at the result.

At least he grabbed the Nacua kid. Good luck with that shit. Hope you didn't SPEND AS MUCH AS I FUCKING DID FOR ALMOST ZERO PRODUCTION WHILE RUINING MY FREE AGENT BUDGET FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON AHHHHH.

W - 167.32 (2-0) Matural Light

L - 134.04 (0-2) The Impossible Kid

Hey look, another member of the 0fer club. And with 130+ points scored in a losing effort, you truly are the King of Shit mountain. Do I feel bad? Fuck that. You probably found yourself cheering for TuAnon against our beloved Greatriots.

Not only did New England fuckin lose, but your brain-damaged QB couldn't even throw himself out of a wet paper bag. 13 fucking points? That's as pathetic as Belichick's record against Donnie Tagovailoa.

And you, Matural Light. You just had to fucking go nuts last week vs me, and now you have to top 167 fucking points this week!? Can you just chill the fuck out? Did you seriously need 3 players with 24+ points? You wanted to be all that but you couldn't even muster an entire starting lineup with double digits, could you?

You may have completely dominated the shit out of The Impossible Kid, but Kittle couldn't even get 10 points. Fucking pathetic.

No. I'm not jealous. I swear.

L - 92.44 (0-2) Flip Flops & Coronas

W - 116.76 (1-1) I Am The Captain Now

I'd hate to go into Monday Night with my fantasy life on the line and needing to depend on the fucking Cleveland Browns.

A couple years ago, DeShaun Watson and Nick Chubb were sure-fire 20+ point studs that could get anyone out of any jam. But to actually depend on them now? Of course Watson is going to toss a pick six to start the game, and Chubb is going to have his knee get absolutely explodered. Like .. the gasp of the crowd after it happened was fucking absolutely insane and probably left Flip Flops in a catatonic stupor for the second straight week

Although it's not like I Am The Captain Now is in any better of a state, this fucker has two IR'd players (not on the actual IR for whatever reason) as well as an NA player, while Flip Flops now has two IR players where neither are coming back, and one SUSP.

Yo guys, much like my own personal fantasy playoff prospects, your benches are absolute fucking dumpster fires right now.

L - 104.00 (1-1) Inglebert Paratestes

W - 156.86 (2-0) The Scallywags

What the fuck is up with these scores? Did we crank some shit up? It can't all be because we transitioned to the Superduper Flex, can it? Everyone has like, 4 players scoring 20+ points. Where the fuck did all this intelligent starting come from!?

I mean, who the fuck starts Joshua "Villanueva" Dobbs and has it actually work out for them? What the fuck league am I in? I miss the dumbasses and dipshits forgetting to sub out inactive players.

And don't even try to fool me with keeping Kareem Hunt's Not Available ass. I'm fucking on to you Scallywags.

I gotta give props though: The Scallywags were probably the only team that believed in Mediocre Mac last week,

Sure, he didn't really do all that great but who fucking cares: he got 155+ and won.

At least Inglebert has a very human point total.

I MEAN THE SCALLYWAGS EVEN GOT -1.00 FROM THAT DIPSHIT DENVER DEFENSE, AND STILL TOPPED 155+

I want to respect the Goff's wishes,

So I guess I'll just move on.

L - 102.24 (1-1) 91 Shrimp

W - 131.86 (2-0) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

Another matchup, another fucker topping 130 points.

At least it was against someone who I could much more closelier relate to with their 85 point showing. What's up with that Najee Harris fucker?? He can't fucking do anything against anyone. The fuck is going on with that Steeler fucker face?

Speaking of fuck faces, mother fucking David Derek Carr. That dude is motherfucking useless, isn't he? You wouldn't ever catch him on one of my rosters.

Also, holy fuckin hell - Eks Gone Give it to Ya scored 131+ points and didn't even have his namesake, mother fucking Austin Ekeler in the starting lineup???

Wow. Way to persevere.

COME THE FUCK ON.

I'm like, this close to calling shenanigans.

Sure, I have no fucking clue on what, but I'm fucking close.

L - 109.68 (0-2) Neon Dion DeSantis

W - 140.86 (1-1) Seyton Manning

Oh neat, another asshole that has to go ahead and score 140 fucking points on my ass. Fucking great. I guess I should be happy because it lowers the regret I feel for not starting D'Andre "Taylor" Swift. But great. I'm super excited moving forward that the two guys I picked up off the waiver wire, and feel really strongly about, can't even score 5.0 combined fucking points. Totally god damn pumped about that shit.

And now I get to twist my brain trying to figure out which running backs to start next week with Etienne fuckin sucking because of craps, and Swift probably going to be used a decoy or some horseshit.

Kinda can't believe it may have been fuckin worse where Seyton could have done even more damage to my anus if he started the right combination of players. Fucking awesome. Could have even maybe hit 160 like a couple other Natty League try-hards.

I guess at least I forced him to pick up that dick kicker, Dicker and lose someone on his bench.

If I can't win, I just hope my opponent is mildly inconvenienced to some extent.

Fin.

Holy fuck. 4078 words. I kinda went off the rails with that fast food thing, huh? Christ. I guess me going 0-4 in my fantasy leagues is the fuel I need for the dumpster fire that is my entire fantasy football existence.

Welp, I hope everyone enjoyed at least one paragraph in there and I gotta really temper expectations because there is no fucking way I'm pulling a novel out of my loose asshole every week.

..but maybe..

Until next week my dudes, I hope everyone has a wonderful start of Oktoberfest last weekend and fall tomorrow. Drink up, binge responsibly, and stay safe - so you can come right back here and enjoy another one of these fucking idiotic complications next week.

Take care - love you guys.