What am I thankful for? Well, first off I'd have to say all of you motherfuckers. For everyone who tirelessly clicks to open their email, and then clicks again to load the column, and then for those of you who go that extra mile and actually scroll through it, well, I applaud and thank all of you.

I hope everyone had a handful of days off, and during aforementioned days off you all had the opportunity to eat until you hated yourselves. Other than using biological warfare to enact a genocide on an indigenous people, it's about as American as you can get.

[EMERGENCY EDIT]

Turns out, he is in there!!

Oh fucking hell yeah, what a wonderful start to the holidays! Get fucked, Hank. Hope you painfully burn in hell for making the World a worse place while you habitated it.

OK. That's enough from me on the topic.

For now.

Thanksgivingery

OK. Let's get back to dipshit sports stuff.

Lions vs. The Stars

Man. I legitimately felt awful for all the Lions fans out there. Not because they lost, but because they all fucking knew this was going to happen. The god damn Packers just fucking dad dicked Detroit, in their home stadium, while their fans had to just watch. I can't imagine how bitter that turkey tasted on Thursday.

Despite that game's outcome, the Detroit Lions are still 8-3 and they have a stranglehold on the NFC North. It's probably a really weird and foreign feeling for those fans - for example, here's one being told that they still are leading the division,

Cowboys Humiliate Washington

No matter how delicious any of the turkeys were in all the surrounding areas of DC and Landover, DaRon made sure everything the Washington Football Team fans could taste was Bland.

People seemed to lose their minds at that historical display. Sure, six interceptions returned for touchdowns is pretty fucking incredible .. but with how the Cowboys have played this season, they're all against the most dogshit of teams. Who fuckin cares? And the Commies were no exception. Even Jack Harlow put on a more inspired performance than Washington.

Seahawks Obliterated by Miners

Did I seriously see a shotgun playcall on 4th & inches?

What in crayon-eating-adults was that shit??

I swear, that entire fucking game could have just been an email.

What a dogshit trilogy of Thanksgiving Day games. Next year, just show Barry Sanders highlights for 2 hours if the alternative is just the equivalent of SEC teams eating the ever-loving fuck out of tier-3 conferences.

The Blackest of Friday Games

Dolphins Fuck Up Jets

Much like Al Michaels' reaction to that David Chang sandwich, I happily fuckin ducked this game.

But to give the Jets some credit, they are still the only team that have defeated the god damn smelly asshole iggles,

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Sayeth the Ravens, Tucker more

So is Justin done? He's not perfect, which is still better than probably 95% of the league, but still - I NEED DRAMA.

I have to admit, it was special watching the Stoppable force vs. the movable object in the Chargers Chargering and the Glue-eating Ravens trying to choke away a 2-score lead.

Ain'ts, Ain't good Football

Sure, children still believe in Santa Claus so why not let grown men believe in Derek Carr, but I really think it does a disservice to the psyche of these adults putting faith in a symbol that will do nothing but let them down like a pallbearer.

Oh well. Congrats Falcons, for you are the Kings of Shit Mountain.

I'm so excited for the Falcons to go 6-0 in the division, end up with a losing record, and then defeat the Cowboys in the playoffs.

Steengals

The Muth is looth!

After booting Matt Canada Pittsburgh's offense is finally bringing its eh game.

The Second Reich (firing)

Sure, it was fucking hilarious to watch the Brooklyn Nets suck complete fuckin ass and then hand the Celtics both Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum thanks to that KG/PP trade, but I dunno .. at least there was some excitement in those early Brooklyn Nets days.

This abomination is just the result of a Football Terrorist in GM Scott Fitterer. Panthers really could have the fucking number one pick and it won't even matter. On the bright side, they could feasibly run it back and get the number one pick next year, too.

YOU GOT MINSHEWED

Colts are scoring 20-something points per game and that's without their neato studly rookie QB. Good for them. Must be nice to have a god damn bulletproof offensive line. Even the Jorts King looks decent behind it.

On the other hand: holy fuckin shit being a buccs fan sure sucks ass some most times.

New England Patheticriots vs. New York Football Gabagool

WHAT A SPICY MEAT-A-BALL OF A GAME

I'm going to give Ryland and Belichick the benefit of the doubt and assume that missed field goal was on purpose in order to spare the crowd and tv market the absolute fuckin torture of watching overtime. Sure, it's free football but it would come at a price.

Thankfully, the Patriots won the Tank bowl and keep pace with the Cards and Panthers. Let's fuckin goooooooo, and draft a QB.

AFTER THAT FUCKIN NEW QB, THE NEXT STOP IS THE SUPER BOWL

Manning vs. Brady: The Next Generation

This shit was pretty neato, and it came down to like 3". Which is a lot. More than adequate.

This Stroud and Lawrence rivalry might just drag the AFC South out of mediocrity and make for an incredibly fun string of matchups for a decade.

Anyway, speaking of the past, check out this awesome image,

Denveland Browncos

I didn't expect much resistance from a team that's giving mother fucking Joe Flacco reps with the first team this week so Denver winning isn't shocking, but after what they've gone through I can't fucking believe they are still in the hunt.

Just take me back to a simpler time, when Miami was scoring 70 fucking points on them. I hate the fact that Denver has so much god damn fucking hope,

Ram Jam feat: A R I Z O N A

K Y R E N W I L L I A M S
Y
R
E
N
W
I
L
L
I
A
M
S

Kansas City Football Team @ The team formerly located in Oakland formerly located in LA formerly located in Oakland

Kansas City is 10/10 with Rice.

Motherfuckin Chefs went on a 31-3 run to end that game. Although the Raiders did make it kinda funny going up 14-0.

Buffalolololol until it Jalen Hurts

Josh Allen had himself an incredible Josh Allen game with just another typical Josh Allen end.

That's kind of fucking insane. Although to even get to OT it took one of the wildest weather-influenced kicks since Vinatieri's two kicks against the Raiders in the 2001 NFL playoffs.

Jake "The Make" Elliott is a god damn fucking boss. Almost as much as this kid,

I hope no one watched Monday

WE BIG-10 NOW

CONGRATULATIONS! THE FIRST DIVISION WIN IN THE DWEEBERFLUS ERA!

Fuckin 1-9. Good fucking god.

That said, I feel like Bears and Justin Fields fans don't really fucking feel all that great or willing to fuckin celebrate that chemical fire of a game.

Welcome back to Earth, Passtronaut. You played like Asstronaut.

Fantasy Nightmare Recap Time

HERE WE GO. I am fucking jacked up right now and hope you all are too!

L (6-6) The Impossible Kid

W (5-7) The Scallywags

Biggest takeaway from this matchup, is that Dobbs apparently scored positive points! God damn, the dude did his best impersonation of the fucking Challenger and Columbia disasters combined.

[ET voice] Josh Dobbs. Go home.

Holy fuck, but you know who did have negative points? Motherfuckin' Mac "n cheese" Jones. God damn what a useless fucking dish player.

AND YOU STILL WON??

KID. YOU STARTED ACHANE?? YOU HAD FREEMAN ON THE BENCH??

YOU BENCHED YOUR WIN, MY MAN. COME ON.

Well. It's still just 6-6 so you have plenty chance to make the postseason, The Impossible Kid. However, you still have quite the uphill battle to take on over the next two weeks.

And no, I don't mean the literal opponents you'll face.

I'm talking about your bitter arch-enemy,

W (6-6) SCHWAAAAAAAAB

L (9-3) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

Eks Gone Give You a Win. And you a win! And maybe even you a win!

That's now two in a row in heartbreak-ish fashion. Luckily for the franchise, they had built themselves such a fucking stupid large lead in wins so I'm guessing they threw in a couple losses in there just to give us the impression the team owner is in fact, a mere mortal like the rest of us.

I'm not buying it, but we'll see how this strategy of toying with the rest of us humans like a modern day Zeus plays out.

SCHWAAAAAAAB on the other hand, took quite the fucking route to this win:

Started on a weird foot on Thanksgiving with Patterson sucking complete asshole, then CompactDisc Lamb kickin ass, and ultimately ending with Brock Purdy mediocre. Thankfully, Friday leftovers with Raheem Mustard and the Jets D/ST were standouts. Sunday was mostly fucking garbage, with Hunter Henry acting as the tangy garbage juice - but it ended with the most Josh Allen-ny performance that's ever Josh Allen-ed: 41+ thanks to multiple passing, rushing tiddies, and 300+ yards.

L (6-6) mzarecta

W (8-4) 🔥🔥 Seyton Manning 🔥🔥

Seyton, you lucky Zack Moss acquiring son of a bitch. And that's after the most disrespectful of moves of continuing your absolutely torrid scoring pace despite not starting a kicker in week 12. You even have the receiver heir-apparent in KC on your fucking bench in Rashee Rice.

If they aren't careful, you're gonna fuck around the last two weeks, get wins and Eks Gone Give first seed To Ya.

Speaking of playoffs and seeding and shit, at least you still got yourself a spot, mza! Outside of maybe some delicious Thanksgiving food, week 12 was not kind to you, both with this matchup and you've lost Taylor for the rest of the regular season.

W (6-6) Inglebert Paratestes

L (4-8) I Am The Captain Now

Holy shit. What a god damn anus-clenching battle this week. Inglebert Paratestes continues to dangle within reach of the playoffs thanks Herbert absolutely Khalilling I Am The Captain Now's chance at a win. In retrospect, I'm not really sure what the Yahoo Fantasy Gods saw in him to project 11+ points. The dude has scored 10+ only once this season and that was fucking years ago in week 4.

For now (at least), Inglebert can breathe and rest assurred he didn't fucking bench a win for week 12. Although, Rhamondrehedron Steviewonderson's great performance is going to cast so much fuckin doubt on all your Running Back related decisions over the next couple weeks. At least you have a couple decent Quarterbacks who know how to sling it, so you can truly take advantage of our superduper flex.

Man. Must be nice to have three decent QBs who can score points. I personally am not even sure whether that's legal or not. But I'll let the Council make a decision about that.

W (8-4) 91 Shrimp

L (3-9) Flip Flops & Coronas

Jesus Titty-fuckin Christ this Flip Flops & Coronas team is just a shell of what it used to be. Three high-scoring QBs out for the season. A lost Chubb. Any semblance of a decent passer for Ja'Marr is absent. D'Onta D'ont have it. Hopkins doesn't have any sort of decent passer either with Levis getting wrangled.

91 Shrimp continues ramping up his fight for the postseason. Sure, he doesn't have nearly enough points to break a tiebreaker outside of the handful of us dipshits at the bottom of the standings, but with enough things going his way he could end up in one of the top two spots based on wins.

Good luck with that run, because you'll definitely need better production from your Running Backs. And may God have mercy on your soul rooting for David Carr.

W (4-8) Neon Dion DeSantis

L (7-5) Matural Light

OOOOH SHIT. I now have TWO fucking wins in a row! Sure, I am statistically eliminated from the postseason anyway, but who fucking cares!? I get to muddle the fuckin waters for all these postseason-chasing motherfuckers.

Matural Light could have gotten himself a stranglehold on a playoff spot given his tie-breaker advantage with 1553.18 Points For, but instead there is a slight chance he could miss the playoffs entirely.

And if I don't get to end the season happy, NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO.

That said, this Matural Light motherfucker still has a roster capable of making the tournament, just as long as he doesn't completely fuck up who is chosen to start. Javonte Williams is a god damn bum. BUM. Geno Smith, another fuckin BUM. Bryce Young? BUM.

Who isn't a bum?

The entire fuckin Jaguar offense. Ridley. Lawrence. Etienne. LET'S FUCKING GO JACKSONVILLE. LET'S JAG OFF

Fin.

While we close the book on week 12, we're just getting started on an incredible holiday season! Thanksgiving was incredible thanks to a double dose of delicious meals and our first-ever Black Friday game .. and while it totally kinda fuckin sucked, it's a nice little preview of what's to come in the future. Kind of a perfect day for just a dabble of football, and it's early in the day so it doesn't completely crater your afternoon.

Couple that with a pretty relaxing weekend spent passing as much of the Turkey grease you were able to mop up with stuffing and mashed potatoes, and you got yourself a great start to the holidays.

Shit's only going to get wilder and wilder, and don't forget: if any of you assholes want a reason to spoil your kids, partners, spouses, or whoever, you can always get that gift ready for December 6th, which us Polaks call, St. Nicholas' Day. I've ranted about it before, but it's such a nice little aperitif to the rest of December.

If not, then no worries, we all got a wonderful early present with the death of that bloodthirsty bag of melted hog fat, Kissinger. Boy oh boy am I going to sleep well tonight!

Anyway, good luck this December and have a wonderful week 13. Continue to stay safe and as stress-free as you can, cause shit's gonna get fuckin wild as they always seem to.

Much love and take care. Can't wait to see everyone next week!