Broncos country, let's writhe!

Dear Mr. Snyder

Sell your team, Coward!

Source

Let them fight.

Davante Has Earned His Spiked Shoulderpads

So like .. I shared that video in the last column,,,

This week, I'd like to make a joke about it that I stole maybe, last Wednesday:

Davante has earned his spiked shoulderpads.

Thank you. That is all.

OK. Now I'm done.

Crabby

Source

I'm no fishing expert, but that seems really fuckin bad.

My submission for reason why happens to be riding the coattails of an easy one: Russia's fault. Those assfaces. Definitely them. Has to be.

The End is Near!!

Those mother fuckers at Salesforce are closing down the Free Dyno option for Heroku projects.

That fuck does that even mean, you ask?

Well, this column relies on free dynos to fucking run. I've dabbled in the paid tiers, but only for a couple months out of the year because .. well, this shit only needs attention from late August to early January.

It's one thing to force me to fucking pay for this shit, but I don't want to god damn deal with a full calendar year of payments for something that's used for less than half a fucking year.

Fucking greedy pieces of shit. I fucking hate Salesforce. From building that giant god damn assplug in San Francisco, to forcing so many of us asshole hobbyists who can't ever follow-through and take their hobbies to the next level to actually needing to put in the work I'd rather not do to find a new fucking home for this shit.

Fucking fuckers. Don't they know how absolutely lazy I am??

https://blog.heroku.com/next-chapter

They fired Greg Easterby

Congrats Houston fans!!

NFL

Ok. With those boring and stupid topics out of the way,

Bears vs Commodes

Carson Wentz is the King of Thursday Night. He's fuckin 7-0. What. The. Fuck!?

Greatriots at BOROWNS

Thought we were in for a Sunday of shit when the Pats went three and out at the fucking one yard line after their opening drive.

Thankfully, things got significantly better throughout the game and Belichick ended up tying George "Papa Bear" Halas. I hear that fucker was a pretty god damn great coach. To be tied with that guy in NFL wins definitely seems like a good thing.

Who's next on the list? Some old piece of shit named Don Shula. That fucker is such a salty piece of garbage. Dude complains about Belichick all the fucking time when in reality, he should shut his fucking mouth until he accepts that he would be known for absolutely nothing if he coached during the NFL era of 16-game seasons.

Fuckin decrepit, diaper-wearing bitch. Dude can't stop crying every time he sees a snowplow.

Because Don Shula is fucking, bitch-made.

Back to the game, I hope any and all BOROWNS fans were able to find the support they needed.

I personally look forward to this plucky band of misfits named, The Patriots.

Led by their curmudgeon head coach,

9ers @ Falcons

Tom Brady: undefeated against Falcons.
Jimmy GQ: Defeated against Falcons.

These mother fuckin Falcons are right on the Buccs' heels for the NFC South division. I can't wait for it to come down to a bitter and salty divisional matchup in late December. The anger-fueled energy of that division is just one of the best parts of being an NFL fan.

Jets @ Packpackpack

Haaa hahahahhaa! Get fucked Packers. I don't know why I dislike you, probably from the Super Bowl in '97. Yeah sure, it was a long time ago, but it also led me to cheer for the fucking Broncos in the following Super Bowl, and I'll always hate Green Bay for having me cheer for a John Elway-led team.

Anyway. As a fan of an AFC East team, I'm kind of fuckin terrified of this god damn Jets team. They're unbelievably young, they unbelievably talented, they have a solid head coach who has all of them yoots bought in; frankly the one redeeming quality that has me able to sleep at night is that until their QB learns to stay off of milfhunter.com, they'll only be good enough to disrupt other franchise's playoff runs.

At least, that's what I tell myself while huddled, crying, in the shower.

I mean, look at the skill these fuckers display when trolling. It's god damn god-tier:

I'm fucking terrified of Breece Hall debuting Can't Wait Vol. 2 in honor of this banger,,,

It still hurts so fucking much. That was possibly the saltiest I've ever fucking been after a big game. Shit, I stopped watching big Patriots games in public for a couple of years after that.

PS. 🧾🧾🧾🧾🧾

Jaguires @ Lolts

Fuckin wild turn of events for Jags fans.

It wasn't that long ago when Jacksonville was 2-1 coming off an absolute undressing (who the fuck came up with this phrase??) of the Chargers in San Diego Los Angeles. What's-his-face at Quarterback was the latest hotness. Maybe he's finally turned that corner and we were going to see Dougie put Duval on the god damn fucking map.

...

Then the Colts lost to the Eagles. Then the Texans (good fucking God). And now, the dipshit Lolts.

Indy is now 3-2-1 (Contact!), and Matt Ryan is good? I'm genuinely curious what kind of psychopath actually puts any money on any Colt-related outcomes. Overs/Unders/Parlays/Moneylines/etc... I feel like needing to include the Colts puts you in that stratosphere of adrenaline junkies who just can't ever fucking get off unless they're threading the needle through a 22" diameter passage while wearing a flying-squirrel-suits.

Vikes @ Dolphins

So I followed a bit of this on the Red Zone channel and a certain Mr. Chris Hansen made a joke about,

The most millennial of plays!

For a pass from QB Skyler to WR River.

Excuse me? What the fuck did you say? The fuck have us Millennials done to get ragged on like this? If you're going to make fun of my fellow members of the greatest generation, then get your fucking jokes accurate.

Skyler? River? When the shit did those become Millennial names?? God damn River Phoenix was never part of Generation Y.

Or Skyler? The fuck? I know literally zero Skylers outside of that one pedo character in South Park who dated Stan's middle school sister. So I'd like Mr. Hansen to please inform me how the fuck he came to the conclusion that our generation owns those fucking names.

Now, if the joke was about Kayden passing the ball to Caydenn. Or Jaeden to Creidon. Or really, any fucking name that ends in the "-ayden" sound, then he's on to something.

But only if they're whites.

I had to bring race into this because my expertise is exclusive to ragging on the Caucasity of Millennial parents and their spawn.

So yeah. Get your fucking Generation Y names right if you're gonna shit all over us. Fuck you, Chris.

Now. If you thought I'd be talking about this matchup, then you're kinda right: especially since those stupid fucking idiot Dolphins lost!!!

Get fucked you dolphin shitbags.

They have some of the best homefield fucking advantage in the league,

But can't help but get in their own fucking way, losing games and their young stud QB.

Fuckin Margaritaville-goin assholes.

Who Dey @ Who Dat

I should probably just do some googling and figure out the source of both phrases. See who came up with theirs first. Find out whether one impacted the creation of the other.

But instead, I'll just not give a shit.

Ravens @ Giants

OH SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT JUSTIN TUCKER MISS? OHMYGOD, HE'S THE GREATEST KICKER WHO'S EVER TIED HIS SHOELACES. THE GREATEST TO EVER WAKE UP, POO OUT HIS BUTTHOLE, WIPE IT, THEN CONTINUE WITH THEIR DAY - POSSIBLY PLAYING AN NFL GAME AT SOME POINT.

HE'S THE MOST AMAZING TO EVER AMAZE. HE CAN SING. HE IS A GREAT TEAMMATE. FRANKLY, HE'S A GREAT AMBASSADOR FOR THE NAME, JUSTIN.

SO IT WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBALLS HOW HE MISSED A FUCKING FIELD GOAL!! OHMYGODOHMYGOD - IT MUST HAVE BEEN FUCKING FOREVER SINCE THE LAST TIME HE MISSED, RIGHT?!?!?

On the broadcast they said it was the first miss since week 10.

Of last season.

...

Am I supposed to think this is a big deal? The fuck? It's not even a full calendar year or full season of field goals. Are people amazed by this stat? I'm genuinely curious, hit me up in the DMs if you actually find this incredible.

Because it's just a fuckin miss by a dude who's routinely tested because of how fucking incredible he is.

Giants? They're pretty good.

Daboll? He just passed Dan Campbell in career wins, and Brian's only coached 6 games. Yikes!

But I ain't letting you get through here without mentioning that the phrase,

Intercept Cancer

While meaning well, is a fucking trash slogan. Holy shit. Why not,

Send Cancer to the Blue Tent

Facemask Cancer

Chop Block Cancer

Shit man, why not go after some illegal hits? It's not like Cancer plays by the rules in the first fucking place,

Clothesline Cancer

Launch Into Cancer With the Crown of Your Helmet

Target Cancer

Suspend Cancer 11 games

etc.. etc..

Buccs @ Steeeers

Yikes. Hope everyone's till with me here. Shit got a little weird at the end there.

🤔🤔🤔🤔
🤔
🤔
🤔

Panthers @ Ramses

Words can not truly communicate how fucking awful this game was. So let me describe it with captioned imagery:

Me every fucking time this game came on RedZone

Way to dodge that obnoxious Cyntha-doll-lookin bitchass, Jets. Common NYJ W.

(PS. This is where I'd like to make my second Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood reference.)

Cardinals @ Seahawks

Wtf. 19-9??

The fuck was this fucking game.

Being completely serious for a moment: this is why I try to avoid watching any/all Arizona Cardinals games. Just fucking awful. The franchise is nothing but torture for the eyes.

Just contract the team away and give Seattle the Supersonics back.

Bill's @ Chefs

First off, let me lead off with the stupid fuckin soundbyte everyone's talkin' bout:

But yeah. Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes are gonna be givin us what Brady/Manning did. Who wouldn't be excited?

Soon it'll definitely be Zappe vs. Jones

Dallas @ Ilggles

Welp. It was a fun ride for Coop. But it's painfully obvious the dude's a backup at best - and don't get me wrong, that shit fuckin rules. You can make bank and model yourself after Clipboard Jesus. Just fuckin rock the shit and don't look back.

Philly is pretty fuckin good. Offense. Defense. Special Teams. Complete. Let's see if they can carry this momentum through the remaining 2/3rds of the season.

Broncos @ San Diego Chargers

I tried watching some of this, but instead I'll provide a synopsis of the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

So the episode started during the final day before the women were supposed to give out roses to the gentlemen participants. Now, there are much fewer women at this point than men both due to design but also because the women have been self-eliminating due to poor quality of male.

Anyway, there was a bunch of drama with this dude that came on, Pizza Pete:

Dude was a classic scumbag. Like, you could not write a better absolute fuccboi character. He was incredible. The type of dude to take an insult and distill it into a compliment and a complete "NO U" kind of comeback.

😙👌
Simply magnificent.

Anyway, a bunch of the meatheads got together and gave the dude the boot. Told him to leave and shit. So Mr. Pete took his cue and on his way out gave out an incredible,

B-b-b-b-b-buongiorno bitches!

So with that dude gone the rest went to the rose ceremony and the usual suspects were chosen. One of the curveballs was one of Massachusetts' own James was left out in the cold. Lost a rose to Logan, some ugmo who really kind of worked out in what I consider an upset.

Post rose ceremony, people seemed to be pretty happy. So obviously, shit absolutely must be fucked up. Jesse Palmer (the host) shows up and ends up outright removing all the women from the spot and just bring in five new women. And then they gave the women five new dudes.

If there's one thing the producers of that Bachelor in Paradise show know, it's how to absolutely mind fuck a bunch of 20-somethings. It's completely insane and I'm 100% in for it. Especially because they get them all absolutely loaded with booze. Absolutely brilliant stuff.

Mudda. Fahken. Recaps.

W - 148.00 (6-0) Seyton Manning

L - 74.32 (4-2) The Impossible Kid

Holy shit. What should have probably been a much more better matchup, ended up being just an utter anal-stuffing by Seyton Manning. That poor Impossible Kid won't be able to sit down for a while after getting left in absolute shambles because of the 5 fucking players out on bye doing shit-all on the bench.

Valdes-Scantling: Sucked.
Tee Higgins: Sucked.
Something Gallup: Sucked.
Zach Wilson: Hahaha. Come the fuck on.

So like, you done real good n shit until this point, but you gonna have to wait out this week.

L - 71.72 (2-4) mzarecta

W - 92.00 (4-2) The Scallywags

Wep. mza got pretty fucked up this week. Uhmm. Really that's the best kind of analysis I could possibly provide.

Really, I'm psyched to see Hunter "Hearst" Henry actually provide a little bit of umph fantasy-wise. Good shit from the Patriots. I know I got myself god damn fucked over by Mac Jones being what I feel like was a very late scratch for the weekend. And yeah, I'm fucking salty and bitter because I suck at coming to terms with the waiver wire schedule. BAH.

Oh right. Well. Uhm. Good shit with your wide receivers - only major regret should be that you left a bunch of points on the bench. But it's a solid move to keep Elliott on there. He's been so fucking disappointing this season, you really need to send a message. To bench him and still win convincingly should go a long way in getting his attention.

W - 129.50 (5-1) The Dakstreet Boys

L - 89.42 (2-4) Matural Light

Yo what the fuck. You scored 125+, and still left a shitload of points on your bench. You gotta watch out with just tossing points away, them shits could be a tiebreaker later in the season.

Truly, this win is a tragedy.

But only in a poetic sense.

Because my writing is art.

Perhaps the best art, of all the art.

L - 81.28 (3-3) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 90.04 (1-5) I Am The Captain Now

Aww man. My 0fer buddy. You've left me for greener pastures.

I'll accept this outcome as you seeking revenge for my close defeat last week against the same SCHWAAAAAAABster.

And again, another situation where a shitload of points were left on the bench - including an incredible Matty Ice performance that had him outscoring Russell Wilson and Matthew Stafford. Shit man, if it were 2016, I Am The Captain Now's quarterback trio would be un-goddamn-stoppable.

[JOE: Man. I tried dialing back the clock to 2012 or 2014 when I realized that 6-whole-fucking-years ago was just 2016. Ugh.]

Holy shit you must be desperate to start Elijah Moore. Dude is straight bootie. But like, unshowered bootie. With a hint of vinegary smell.

W - 151.06 (2-4) 91 Shrimp

L - 108.98 (3-3) Flip Flops & Coronas

Good God. The fuck did Flip Flops & Coronas ever do to you, 91 Shrimp? Did he wedgie your first-born or something? A 40+ point thwomping of the highest magnitude.

My Flippy Floppy man got himself some great numbers from his skill positions. Chase, Cooper, Godwin all fuckin studded out. Chubb was mostly flaccid, but thankfully Mixon was able to pound out a couple points.

Shit man, I can't even say the absolute embarrassment that was the Brady/Wentz combo was the culprit. It's fucking hard to really suggest any other kind of outcome is possible when you got a squad like 91 Shrimp with,

18 from Hurts Donut.
25 from Diggs.
15 from Brown.
19 from Pittman Jr.
19 from Hall.
26 from Mario.

Yeah, Flippy Floppy's stood zero chance this week.

W - 120.62 (4-2?) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

L - 70.34 (0-6) Spider 2 Y U do this

Speaking of no chance!

This fucking guy did it again. God damn do I fucking hate how god damn fucking bad I am at mastering the waiver wire schedule. I got god damn bamboozled by reports of Mac Jones joining the Patriots this weekend.

So instead of actually picking up a replacement for Mr. Mac, I went ahead and god damn fucking wasted two great performances in JuJu and Gesicki.

All I have to feel better for myself is be grateful that my team isn't led by White Supremacy.

What the fuck am I talking about? Well, this is the perfect time for my numerology to kick in and for me to reeeaaaach reeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaal far and make a huge deal out of Kyler Murray's, 14.88

Two symbols that any/all of them White Supremacists (no, not Mike White fans damn it) can't get enough of:

The primary slogan in the Fourteen Words is "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children"
Fourteen words

You get dipshits like Tucker Carlson dogwhistling that phrase all the fucking time.

Neo-Nazis use the number 88 as an abbreviation for the Nazi salute Heil Hitler. The letter H is eighth in the alphabet, whereby 88 becomes HH.
88

You got a lot of splainin' to do, Kyler Murray. It would be the dude who gets into Heated Gaming Moments all the fuckign time off the field. Of course.

I hope everyone's learned a little something this week - or at least remembered one of the last five fucking times I've brought up those stupid fucking numbers.

Power. Fuckin. Rankings.

OH SHIT. We ain't fuckin done.

King shit

1. Seyton Manning (6-0)

Dude's rippin shit up. Led by Burrow and Llamar. Running free with Tyreek. Pounding the rock with the Quadfather. And known white, Mark Andrews.

1b

2. The Dakstreet Boys (5-1)

Oh shit. Dakstreet's back! Next week! Good luck keeping up the winning ways with Justin Jefferson on bye.

Let's round out the top

3. The Impossible Kid (4-2)

YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE, AND YOU BLEW IT. That said, I'm fucking terrified of yo-.. Oh fucking hell. I'm going against you in week 7?? Fuck me.

4. Equitittious Saint Dumbledong (4-2)

I dunno what to make of Aaron Rodgers, but who cares. You got some good players.

5. SCHWAAAAAAAB (3-3)

Nice spot to be in I guess. Good luck without the golden goose at QB. Time to get Goff.

Hey, at least you have a playoff spot

6. The Scallywags (4-2)

Backup Heaven looks to be shut down right now. Cooper Rush and Skylar Whoeverthefuck both tossin' goose-eggs.

Uh oh, spaghetti-o's

7. Flip Flops & Coronas (3-3)

You don't have anyone in your tight end position, and yet you're still projected to score 125. What the fuck.

8. Matural Light (2-4)

Good fuckin luck against the human buzzsaw that is Flip Flops & Coronas.

9. mza (2-4)

Good luck with Jonathan Taylor and TuAnon comin back.

The fuckin smelly, moldy, mildewy, basement

10. 91 Shrimp (2-4)

Everyone's got a bunch of Quarterbacks, so good luck with Jameis. Everyone's rooting for him to start over Andy Dolton.

11. I Am The Captain Now (1-5)

GOOD FUCKING GOD. YOU'VE GOT SIX FUCKING BYE-WEEK PLAYERS!? THAT'S LITERALLY HOW MANY BENCH SPOTS WE HAVE.

You fuckin piece of shit

12. Spider 2 Y U do this (0-6)

Yeah. I kinda suck at this shit. Stupid fuckin hobby. 0-6 is not the greatest start but whatever. I've pulled this shit before.

Fin.

Welp. We did it! Another successful week of Fantastical Football! And we got ourselves our first Power Rankings of the season!

I hope everyone's as thrilled as I am about getting back into the swing of this stupid fucking hobby that I hate so fucking much.

And while this weekend is featuring Byes from some pretty big Fantasy favorites, with the Patriots game on Monday Night, I hope everyone takes the opportunity to wish a Happiest of Birthdays to Mo Lewis this Friday. We all owe him an immeasurable amount of gratitude for the hit he layed on Mr. Bledsoe that night in 2001.

It's why I keep this article handy. Mo Lewis is the NFL Camerlengo.

So don't forget to do that Friday.

As far as this weekend, I hope everyone enjoys themselves - Rachel and myself have a nice streak of going out to enjoy the Fall weather while drinking booze to keep going on Saturday. Maybe I'll make some hot toddy in a thermos and go for some drunken hay rides. Steal a pumpkin or two. I may just have a mugshot to share next week!

Take care, love you guys, hope everyone has themselves a productive rest of the week, and the kiddos have dreams of halloween bounties in their heads!