Busier than a cat at a laser show

Preamble

It's come to my attention that people have found some discrepancies in a number of comments I've made in my past. Specifically, my rather mild opinion of, "fuck cheese."

Many of you may have called into question the integrity of my entire column history given the contradiction of my aforementioned statement along with last week's Fast Food segment in which I consume, and fairly enjoy, two burgers who contain cheese or cheese-like material.

Yeah so like, I think the first significant mistake that was made here was anyone assuming there is any sort of integrity that goes into the writing of this shite. The second is anyone thinking that I would ever yield in my opinion that cheese is the worst fucking innovation man has ever produced.

Shit man, cheese was nothing but a fucking mistake. It was a mistake that some asshole stubbornly leaned into and instead of humanity moving on from amorphous titty-milk curds, the dude survived the constant peeing from his butthole until it was popular enough that assholes everywhere starting putting it on all the god damn food they ever made.

Thirdly, and lastly: cheese is doodoo.

CHECK. MATE.

IN YOUR FACE, DAIRY LOBBY.

ENN EFF ELLLLLLLLL

Giants @ 9ers

Man. Fuck Danny Dipshit.

Dude is a absolute dumpster fire of a quarterback, I can't believe the Giants actually gave him that giant extension.

All that said, I think the fuckface Giants may have uncovered the secret to defeating the 49ers:

Tittans @ Borons

I'm struggling to find this guy on the waiver wire damn it

And now let's take a look at sexual offender, Deshaun "I'm a fucking scumbag shithead" Watson and perhaps the worst fucking play you'll see this decade,

All his other bullshittery aside, this is exactly what I'd probably do if I ever woke up and found myself under center in a real NFL game. I'd be in a rush to end the play, get benched, and check my bank account to see how much I actually get via the league minimum salary.

Speaking of bullshittery - how can a ref be this fucking bad?

PS. Ryan Tanneyhill fuckin blows

Falcons @ Detroit

Holy shit, Bijan rules so much. Dude plays angrier then those hornets I keep running over with my lawnmower.

PS. WHY WON'T THOSE FUCKING HORNETS JUST FUCKING DIE.

Nawlins @ Packpackpack

This was a game, but it didn't involve Taylor Swift or Colorado/Deion Sanders so I don't really care outside of the upcoming incredible drama that's about to be played out in determining the future starting Quarterback,

Denver is MIA

First of all, I lost so much fucking money betting on,

Number of Patriots fans that Dolphins fans will kill today: OVER 0.5 (-120)

But gambling addiction aside, this is a complicated one to go over,

As you all hopefully know: on one hand I fucking hate the Dolphins. And then on the other hand, I fucking hate the Broncos.

I'm frankly not really sure which I hate more - yes I realize one is a divisional foe who have embarrassed the Patriots during the Brady/Belichick era.. Who defeated the Patriots in Miami for decades during games in August/September.

But the fucking Broncos .. that god damn piece of shit Shannon "THKIP THKIP" Sharpe calling the National Guard and that horse-faced John Elway literally never losing to New England during his career. Jake "the snake" Plummer and that non-Hall-of-Famer Champ Bailey.

God damn it was oh, so, sweet to watch the enemy of my enemy be less of my enemy but absolutely pushing the shit in of that other enemy.

As horrifying as it is to be in the AFC BEast, it's tough not to credit this particular domestic abuser as extremely fucking good at football:

This game was a terrifying warning.

LAClippers @ Minnesotr

But I know that Keenan Allen owners were probably pretty excited after this game.

However, owners of Mike Williams (like myself) are coping the only way we know how,

I hate this fucking league and/or hobby

Past @ Jest

I'm fuckin pumped. The Greatriots have straightened themselves out and are headed in the right direction now that they've righted their ship with a win against the Zach Wilson-led Jets.

Holy fuck. What a dumpster fire of a god damn game.

I can't express how fucking much I fucking hate watching anything that JuJu Schuster does on the field. Either he completely whiffs on receptions or he leads to penalties that absolute break the back of the Patriots.

I mean thank fucking God the Greatriots could rely on one of their most prolific  ad generous opponents,

But the fact that despite Zach Wilson checked down on a fourth down pass to turn the ball over still was a buttery-handed cobb away from the craziest hail mary upset is absolutely fucking soul crushing.

..at least we don't have to deal with that Mr. INT Indicted in JC Jackson.. PHEW!

Bill's @ Commies

Good fuckin God.

Also, that last second field goal to prevent the shutout was perhaps the most pathetic offensive play for the entirety of week 3. And that included:

• team that lost 70-20
• daniel jones shitting pants
• dallas getting stomped by cardinals
• zach wilson
• daa bears

Oh wait. I think it's second place to that microwaved-brain backwards pass by Deshaun.

Texans Jaggin' off

Oh thank goodness, it's not like I have one or more Jag players on every single fucking fantasy team I run. What the fuck. The Texans?? How?? WHY??

FUCK

Colts @ Baldimore

Minshew Mania is BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS.

And ... Justin Tucker is washed?? What the fuck did I god damn watch!?

How do Ravens fans survive entire seasons of this shit?

Panthers @ Seahawks

I can't believe this was one of the three afternoon games, WHICH ACTUALLY:

Having 9 fucking games in the early slot and then only fucking three games in the afternoon is such a fucking bunch of diseased rat shit.

PS. FALSE START, NUMBER 79

Bears @ Chefs

Much like Mahomes, the excitement I had for this game was palpable,

So while we already had one complete shit-pumping of a matchup result between Miami and Denver, I was so excited to get one that would actually matter in the afternoon! Sure, the Dolphins and Broncos are actual, true-to-life NFL teams, but neither of them had T-Swizzle in attendance.

Oh wait - did you not know that the One True Kween herself was in attendance??

Well, much like any other Legitimate News Organization out there on the Internet, I'm obviously here to report on what the people want to know. And we all want to know how Travis brought up his boxscore to the mighty Tay-tay after the game,

As for the Bears. I don't know what the fuck they should do at this point. The wide receivers are all god damn peckerheads. Justin Fields kinda fuckin sucks (still). They might as well just run the table and go 0-17, and then fucking blow the draft like they did when they drafted Mitch over Mahomes.

This Is Our Year @ Arizona

For a week 3 that offered so much fucking embarrassment, the Cowboys really went out and strove for excellence.

Sure, this isn't anything new for America's Team, and we've all been there witnessing the brutal cycle for decades:

But I have to hand it to McCarthy, Dak, and Jerruh, this is all really, really, funny. Perhaps I was wrong with how Arizona wants to handle this season. I thought they were there to tank for Caleb Williams, but perhaps I was wrong (again).

Either way, with the Cowboys losing like, a quarter-dozen linemen last week, their superdupermega all-pro corner back in practice (fuckin BRUTAL), and being coached by perhaps the fattest human thumb in history, I don't really know what they could possibly do to fix things,,,

Fuck.

Oh wait, here's one more

fuckin broncos lmao this franchise used to be a consistency of excellence

Steelers @ Raiders

Jesus fucking Christ, Jimmy GQ is as bad as he is striking. Every time I went from the main tv, to the phone when walking the dog, then to the bedroom tv getting under the sheets, I swear Jimmy would throw another back-breaking interception.

I almost feel bad for Raiders fans dealing with this dipshit head coach, McDaniels. This is his fucking third attempt (I count him ghosting the Colts as a Head Coach attempt because it's just too fucking hilarious not to) and it's the same dumbass stuff.

In a way, I'm fucking psyched that he's finally been swept away from the Greatriots because I would lose my mother fucking mind if he ended up as the successor to Bill.

HE GAVE UP A FIELD GOAL AND 90 SECONDS OF PLAY AT THE END OF THE GAME TO GO 3-AND-OUT TO JUST KICK ANOTHER FIELD GOAL. He ultimately wasted 90 seconds of valuable gameplay for nothing. HE WAS DOWN 8 FUCKING POINTS.

ELGSES @ Buccos

So I sat through this whole game, and was really confused at the entire nationwide infatuation with the Kelce/Swift pairing.

Sure, they're incredibly talented and work insanely well together, but I didn't think it warranted so much hype and hate.

LARs @ Bungles

Yeah, I ain't got much else. This game was fucking awful.

LET'S GET READY TO MAMBOOOOO

W - 178.88 (1-2) SCHWAAAAAAAB

L - 128.54 (1-2) Seyton Manning

This is how I imagined SCHWAAAAAAAB reacting when he took a look at his roster Sunday afternoon,

This motherfucker has so many god damn 20+ players. The man's absolutely flush with projected points, he can barely hold them all,

You'd think that if the Dolphins scored 70 points, then Tyreek would have gotten like, 45+. However, because the universe is a fucked up place, that didn't end up being the case and instead Seyton's pretty modest showing was all for naught. Although, there was quite a bit of pride lost given that he chose to pick up a kicker and was still soundly defeated.

L - 100.80 (1-2) I Am The Captain Now

W - 141.60 (3-0) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

No Ekeler?
No Aiyuk?

No problem!

You have Hustle and Bustle, Russell! Sure, you barely beat out the production of the Immortal CJ Stroud with your double-barrelled Quarterback action, but who cares because YOU ENDED UP GETTING DOUBLE DIGIT POINTS FROM 80% OF YOUR DAMN ROSTER.

Way to not waste an outstanding final week from Mike Williams. You got players dropping like flies, and unlike my dipshit self, at least you grabbed a great contributor off the waiver wire - but now it looks like you'll need to find yourself another wide receiver.

On the bright side for Captain, it would seem you might have one of the biggest steals of the auction draft in Old Man Thielen. After a shitty week one, the dude's kinda on fiyah, and would love to know what the fuck kind of old-man drugs he's on: HGH, TRT, maybe that Doug Flutie/Frank Thomas Nugenix shit?

W - 148.32 (1-2) Flip Flops & Coronas

L - 123.30 (2-1) The Scallywags

Fantasy is fuckin incredible. Despite losing Rodgers and Chubb for the season, and then losing Waddle and Richardson for the week, this motherfucker was able to rely on Ryan Tannyhill and the Gus Bus and still have a chance at winning the fucking week.

The Scallywags' undefeated run has ended, and while Flip Flops got himself his first win of the season, I think he would admit that the greater joy is surviving the week without any new IR'd players!

But anyway, talking about specific positions that did play: Holy fucking shitballs, I didn't realize the Buffalo Bills scored one point for every year since the 1991 season - the season where the Bills lost to the R-words.

L - 95.98 (1-2) Inglebert Paratestes

W - 133.74 (3-0) Matural Light

You better fucking make your run now, Matural Light because your lineup is ready to fall like a house of dominoes (checkmate). No, this isn't a threat. No, I promise Mr. Officer, I'm not directly threatening Matural Light's roster. None of his players should be in any sort of direct or imminent danger.

I'm just saying that there's an implication of a very top-heavy starting roster with an underperforming bench that may not be able to fill roles if an injury or two were to set in.

Complete opposite for the Inglebert Humperdink. That motherfucker's bench is flush with points and I'm sure will lead to quite a bit of mindfuckery over the next week trying to determine who to start and who to bench. Luckily, he's not me and doesn't have to rely on my roundtable of decision makers,

L - 120.88 (1-2) 91 Shrimp

W - 146.82 (3-0) mzarecta

Hahaha, imagine scoring 120+ points and losing? Couldn't be me. Shit man, scoring 100 points? Pfft. Why would I even do that without a guaranteed win?

So while the commish has some fucking awesome wide receivers, his running backs man are fahken gahhbage. Najee Harris fucking blows balls, Breece Hall ain't do shit since week 1, and Mattison .. well,,

Now as far as mza, I'm fucking terrified of this dude. He's a god damn nightmare machine. He starts slapdicks like Smith-Schuster and Goedert, and still vomits out 140+ points. Like, what the fuck man? You had four players that generated more points than my entire 10-player roster. Jesus fucking hell, dude. Just fucking chill, would you?

L - 92.64 (0-3) Neon Dion DeSantis

W - 138.40 (1-2) The Impossible Kid

I fucking hate Daniel Jones so fucking much. Yeah sure, benching him for Swift wouldn't have helped me, but I know that if I wasn't such a dipshit and held onto Achane instead of picking up fucking scrubs like Mooney, then I might have a fighting fucking chance. Unfortunately, running back isn't even a problem for me at the moment, it's the fucking complete lack of wide receiver production - one of the things that I personally feel I was actually half-decent at foster in previous seasons..

But fuck it, I'm holding up the caboose as per usual. It's weird, I'm not quite as salty as I probably should be given how fucking disappointing Bijan, Ridley and Jones were. I fuckin wonder what that may mean. People say that maybe I've softened in my general attitude now that I'm 40, but I think my production remains at a high fuckin level,

The Impossible Kid fuckin lit my asshole up, and it could have been worse if LaPortapotty started over KinKoolaid. God damn, this fucking double-barreled Florida QB tag team completely stomped my soon-to-be London Jaguar bitch and his held-back-three-times-in-elementary-school brother who plays up North.

AND ALL OF THIS WITHOUT TRACTORCITO. I almost forgot that The Impossible Kid even had Derrick Henry for a second. The Titans are absolutely fucking up the bag if they can only get that absolute beast two fucking points. I want to say I'm happy I got through The Impossible Kid early before Tractorcito Season but I got my shit pushed in anyway so .. yeah. I haven't been happy in weeks.

Fin.

Heyyyy, we made it! Congratulations everyone! It's Autumn. The weather's getting brisk (at least for us normies in the Northeast), and we are in the midst of Oktoberfest season. So far: two weekends, two Oktoberfestivals. Can't wait to try my hand at Steinholding next week while getting blackout drunk on IPAs - just like the Germans intended.

Maybe I'll even piss my pants in celebration.

So good luck this week y'all. Hope you are all eyeing some decorative gourds, grabbing a pumpkin or two, and enjoying photosynthesis makin our leaves all fuckin pretty.

Love you guys, have a great week!