Don't yuck his yum

First things first, last week I may have gone off the deep end due to a certain dairy distaste

What's Cookin, Good Lookin?

For this Sunday, I'm going with the instant pot chicken noodle soup. It's so fucking simple, I made it on Sunday.

https://www.justtherecipe.com/?url=https://www.jocooks.com/recipes/instant-pot-chicken-noodle-soup/

Protips:

1. swap butter for olive/avocado oil.
2. Add 2-3 bay leaves
3. 365 Brand wide egg noodles are the GOAT egg noodle

How fuckin neat is that?

Do it, cowards.

You won't.

Sawx

I kinda wish I had published this column yesterday because the tone of this section was a lot happier.

So in lieu of actually putting in effort to rewrite it, I'm going to simply address Tuesday's game with a single tweet:

OK, back to the ALCS pre-game-4: the Sox have hit like 48 grand slams - and there's no way I could possibly get the expressed written consent of major league baseball for all of them.

Instead, I'll just share this one clip:

I'd say it does a pretty good job of demonstrating Red Sox hitter discipline.

But also,

SCHWAAHBAH

Fuckin' better win tonight, you fuckin bums.

Buccs and...? oh right, Eagles

Yeah yeah yeah, Tom Brady is the fucking GOAT. Eagles are trash, their coach sucks, and they're from Philadelphia.

Home of the 76ers and a Mr. Ben Simmons.

God damn, I almost feel bad for 76er fans.

Jags/Miami

LET IT BE KNOWN: NOBODY WATCHES THE JAGS LOSE 21 GAMES IN A ROW

It was nice to see the Jags win their first one at home. But holy hell, waking up to this game was one of the worst ways to spend a morning.

With any luck, this is only one of the first 5 times you've read that joke.

First Field Goal: Made it

Second Field Goal: Made it
First Win: Got it

blah blah blah

Rams n Giants

At least we got ourselves a, [CERTIFIED SCORIGAMI] out of this shit-show

Game really was all set and done entering halftime McVay has a 22-0 record when leading at the halfway point.

And with a 28-3 lead, there's no fuckin way that the Giants could possibly come back. No one could.

You know the question "would you suck for 10 years if it means winning a super bowl?"  

We're what happens when you answer 'Yes' while already sucking for the previous super bowl you answered Yes to. It compounds.
source

Vikings vs. Pound Kitties

What does The Darnold have to say about this game?

The Vikings game winning “points” came AFTER THE GAME ENDED!

STOP THE COUNT!!
Source

Texans n Colts

Roof status: Open.
Texans status: Pathetic.

How the fuck did the Pats almost lose to this shit Houston team?

Bangulls vs. Loins

As per usual, and absolutely dominating the Tortured Fan Index, the Lions can't seem to fuckin do anything right, and now the Jags won a game before Detroit? I thought they were supposed to be good.

Joe BurrowMixon and Ja'Marr Chase tho.
THO.

Ja'Marr got shitted-on so damn much, like a music festival's only porta-potty. It's crazy that he's fucking running away with Offensive RotY

KC vs. What Fuck Team

Obligatory 🔥🔥🔥 for the Washington Football Team jerseys. They were so god damn nice.

Any/all praise of WFT ends there. Let's start off the usual column Shit Flingfest,

The h*ck is Snyder thinking?? Against the god damn CHEFS?? The WFT haven't beaten Kansas City since 19-fucking-83. In fact, it's their only win. The same year that a number of us were likely born in (I know I was). The WFT's only win is a god damn, old assed, millennial. An Elderennial, you could say. So of course the owner is going to put all their fucking hopes and dreams of deflecting much deserved negative attention at their organization and culture on our - I mean, that win's shoulders and think what? That they'd win this game?

What a crazy fuckin franchise.

Baldimore vs. Chargers

I'll let the internet summarize this game, and Charger fandom,

I'll leave it up to a Ravens fan to explain their season so far,

So the ravens have to get a superman comeback to beat the 1-4 Colts, depend on a questionable no call and a last second nfl record field goal to beat the winless lions, and blow out a leading mvp candidate and one of the hottest offenses in the league.  (Source)

And in the interest of fair and balanced reporting,

For the other 99.9% of football fans let me explain to you what it's like being a Chargers fan. It's like you hired a dominatrix for the evening to edge you the height of sexual pleasure. The moment you can feel the sweet release coming, she instead stomps her stiletto heel into your ball sack. You start screaming the safe word, but she just leaves the heel in place until all pleasure is gone. Then you wrap your bloody sack in your LaDainian Tomlinson jersey and are reminded once again he wasn't selected to the NFL 100 team. You cry yourself to sleep and prepare your body to do this again next week.  (Source)

Pack vs. Bears

A story in three parts.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Cards n Brownies

Right up there challenging Detroit, we have Cleveland on the Tortured Fan Index. What the fuck is happening over there?

As far as those freaking Cardinals: what the hell do you think you're doing? I hate your aesthetic. Fix your god damn jerseys/colors/whatever so I can enjoy Hail Murray, DeAnfree Hodgkins, and Mandler Jones.

Miss you, Jones. Was so happy for that dominating week one performance.

Oakland Raiders vs. Denver Donkeys

That's some shit about how Goodell kinda, sorta, maybe, possibly, might have perhaps totally fucked over the Raiders on purpose by withholding all those emails until after the season started.

But they beat Denver. So I guess it weren't all that bad, right?

I should probably say a nice thing about Denver at some point.

Cowboys vs. Greatriots

Fuck. What a game.

God damn it.

But what a fuckin game.

Patriots started off so strong, ended so strong, then ultimately fucking lost in overtime. With all these close losses, they're going to end up getting a top-5 pick but with a positive scoring differential.

Despite the 2-4 record,

I'm having the time of my life.

The league better worry what happens once they awaken the beast,

Steeeeeers vs. Rainy City Bitch Pigeons

Seattle Seahawks defensive end Darrell Taylor was placed on a stretcher and carted off the field after a scary injury forced him to the turf late in Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Taylor, who was surrounded by players from both teams as he was carted off, has use of all of his extremities, coach Pete Carroll said after the game, and that all his CT scans were "clear." source

It's so crazy watching those situations develop on the broadcast. More doctors. A cart. A stretcher. Maybe an ambulance. More players kneeling, holding hands. As much as I can appreciate a top-notch process for handling any array of problems, this is always kinda .. unsettling to say the least.

Hopefully Darrell Taylor makes a full recovery and gets his ass back on the field soon.

And like, steelers and stuff.

Recaps

L - 102.52 (2-4) Seyton Manning

W - 155.08 (5-1) The Impossible Kid

Well shit. I guess the bulletin-board material is working. You're welcome.

Or maybe it's just the fact that Derrick Henry, Aaron Rodgers, and Adam Thielen are fucking beasts. Holy shit, what a god damn smattering of points. Better than any sharkootery board I've ever saw.

And Seyton, I uhh, man that sucks about Saquon. As everyone in the entire universe saw the other week, his ankle sure got fucked up.

W - 149.90 (4-2) I Am The captain Now

L - 130.42 (4-2) Matural Light

Holy shit, Geno Smith led a team to a win. Sure, it was in fantasy and he was almost dead-weight, ultimately irrelevant to the win, but he still got top-billing in the QB spot. Good for him.

Ultimately, Matural Light got skunked by Herbert. Dude got absolutely mollywhomped in the game against the Ravens. Frankly, I'm surprised he mustered up 12 points. I feel like he doesn't deserve double digits in the slightest - but it doesn't matter.

L - 119.54 (3-3) Flip Flops & Coronas

W - 142.86 (4-2) Chubb and Tug

Damn. Another 4+ win team? Good God, this shit is getting TOIGHT at the top.

Pretty wild that despite the fairly dominating 142 and change output - this Chubby fucker left so many fucking points on the bench. Impressive. Very impressive.

HE'S BACK

L - 149.96 (2-4) SCHW(An)B (where n > 1)

W - 150.32 (3-3) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

LESS THAT A FUCKING POINT?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Wow. It really fuckin came down to Josh Allen and his heroic performance in a loss to .. oh shit, wait,,

Enhance.

Hmm. 🤔 🤔 🤔

Enhance.

Hmm.

🤔

Enhance.

Oooooooh SHIT.

What a god damn fuckin ball-buster of a loss. Congratulations are in order to the pair of swollen genitals.

W - 147.88 (2-4) 91 Shrimp

L - 146.84 (2-4) mza

What a fuckin exceptional Battle of the Bottom of the Barrel that ended up with a 1.02 point differential. Fucking oustanding.

Diggs and Brown really carrying 91 Shrimp just barely passed mza. A fucking brutal loss, and it keeps him from getting a nice .500 record.

Don't give up on the season just yet you fuckers, it's pretty easy to get a run of wins - especially since it really feels like significant fantasy injuries keep happening.

And with a million byes next week, it's gonna be a waiver wire free for all.

W - 96.88 (2-4) Spider 2 Y U do this

L - 95.96 (3-3) The Scallywags

NEW TEAM NAME. WHO DIS?

IT'S A FUCKING WIN

I'd personally like to thank The Scallywags for not starting Gio Bernard :3 because then his 1.4 points would have pushed him over the top and I would have lost.

It's a fucking god damn holy shit miracle. I don't care why. or how. or what. or when. But it fucking happened and I'm so fucking ecstatic about the result.

What do I do? I had luck fall my way, I should be happy and void of salt. I wonder what this new day will bring?

Fin.

Welp. That's a wrap on this week. Hope you all got to enjoy the writeup, as always it's almost too much fun to do. I really have a couple things to thank:

1. Rachel has been a saint in allowing me time to write these fuckers, all praise to her for her patience while I stress each fucking week in fantasy
2. All y'all for bein good friends and very entertaining matchups, keep the content coming you motherfuckers

Have a great week, love y'all and hope for nothing but the best as we really start hitting the holiday portion of the year. Get yourselves fucking spooktacular and shit.