Vikes @ LAClippers

We begin our recap between the battle for that one chick fan who seems kinda cool,

Yeah, that's the one!

What started with so much promise, actually never started at all because this game in all reality could have been dressed in a colonial rayadillo uniform - that's right, pure seersucker.

While we had to struggle through another awful awful awful trip on down to Wentzylvania that Thursday Night, no one hated it more than announcer Kirk Herbstreieieit who cares more about the well being of his dogs than actual human being Carson Wentz.

The fuck was that comment about not showing emotion if you want to be a true alpha? Carson Wentz literally has nothing holding his shoulder together other than a couple feathers from the ducks he most recently massacred on a hunting trip.

Atlanta Flailcons

We move to the first Sunday in a long long while where we were spared the absolute horseshit that is European game so instead we got a slate of absolute horse vomit.

Leading off would be the chunks of miami tuna and atlanta chick fil aww shit.

Despite barely seeing above or to the right of his offensive line,

[Tua's swollen eye]

Tua HisrunasastartingQBmaynotbeova did as they do in Miami and blasted dline after dline rush to toss 4 fuckin touchdowns.

This mother fucking Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde team scares the shit out of me, and of course the Patriots are going to be seeing the Falcons coming off a loss next weekend. Fuck me.

The Mangold Game

Next up was the highly emotional rollercoaster of a game between the Jets and Bengals.

After dealing with a full week of being thrown under the bus and repeatedly driven over by Jets' owner Boner Penis, Justin Fields put on a very respectable performance that not only included actual completions but a whole tiddie toss.

Just when the Bengals and Old man Joe Flacco finally thought they were going to build on their one-game win streak, the Jets came absolutely roaring back complete with mathemagician moves going for the 2-point conversion late in the 4th quarter.

The Cincinnati defense is absolutely abhorrent - they gave up 39 points to a Jets offense that hadn't scored a touchdown in two fucking games. Of course, Bungle fans are used to this hell their fandom lives in.

As an aside, rest in peace Nick Mangold. You were a fucking beast, and you were fucking cursed with a kidney disease that would ultimately take your life. You were a great family man, and a friend to many.

[rex ryan thing]

"He's probably the best. He's probably the best center, I believe," Wilfork said on Thursday. "I've been saying this ever since the guy's been a rookie. He's been pretty steady for them. And it hasn't changed."

• Vince Wilfork source

Greatriots March Onward

We continue on to Foxboro, the home of the greatest fahken NFL franchise evah.

The Browns came into town hoping to give Drake Maye the toughest test of his young NFL career with their vaunted and brutal defense.

And while Myles Garrett went Kendrick Lamar on our poor boy Drake, he ultimately Maye be the last one laughing as he Charged Up and threw Back to Back (to Back) touchdowns as he shat all over the Meek Browns.

Again, I ask this every week: how the fuck did this team lose to the god damn Raiders? I don't care if New England didn't have Gonzo - that team sucks shit, and this team frankly does not.

SkattebooOOOH MY GOD

Let's go on down to Philly where the Eagles were wearing their seemingly invincible Kelly Green jerseys (5-0 when they sport the uni), playing beautiful football in that one-bridge-having piece of shit city that no one gives a fuck about,

The Eagles played near-perfect football as the Quadfather finally broke out for a great game, Jalen Hurts playing like the difficulty is set on Rookie with literally every fourth pass being a touchdown, and AJ Brown hilariously acting like a fucking internet troll.

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU GOT TWO TOUCHDOWNS AND 100+ YARDS LAST WEEK. WHAT IN THE LOVE OF GOD DO YOU NEED MORE TO JUSTIFY YOUR TIME ON THE EAGLES? YOU WON A FUCKING SUPER BOWL WITH THEM.

However, if he wants to come to the Patriots, I will personally pick him up at the airport and give him a welcome hj.

I also have to give props to the refs, incredible game by them. Great rulings.

PS. Holy fucking shit Cam Skattebo. Feet aren't supposed to point in that direction.

Any Given Sunday

Let's travel on down to Charlotte and ... wait..

• Panthers beat Falcons 30-0
• Falcons beat Bills 24-14
• Bills beat Panthers 40-9

This fuckin league, I swear to God.

Anyway, back to the game - in a growing trend, we saw yet another old man at Quarterback, but in this case the Red Rifle in Andy Dalton not just misfired, but backfired into his own fucking face and it resulted in complete fucking disaster for the Panthers.

For the first time in a couple years, the AFC BEast is back.

Monsters of the Mid

So the Ravens will have to deal with some shit because of the way they reported Llamar's participation in practice, which is going to be fucking hilarious with all the recent events regarding the NBA - but the Bears... holy fuck.

The end of the game was a complete Ben Johnson disasterclass. Caleb is incredible at making the simple look impossible.

I need a takeaway from this game

Down to Houston we go where I am completely fucking clueless when it comes to judging whether the Texans are good, or the 49IRs are just fuckin bad.

What I definitely do not know is how the fuck San Francisco continues to be one of the most injury-ridden teams every single fucking season. They must have built that new stadium on not just an old Native American burial ground, but also probably shipped in bodies from every major religion to throw in there as well for good measure.

Good luck with the Meadowlands next weekend - they will not be able to field a 53-man roster after that matchup.

The Aints aint good football

Bourbon Street is next where the jovial many and sober few couldn't possibly have enjoyed their home team play whatsoever. Holy shit, the Saints are so fucking bad.

The future ain't right

Much like in Philadelphia, there was another incredible showing by the refs on Sunday - in the spirit of the season, there were phantom whistles heard throughout the Superdome.

The Simpsons Curse Lives On

How 'bout those Cowboys??

Since Homer Simpson was gifted the Denver Broncos by Hank Scorpio on > November 3rd, 1996 they have:

Gone 261-207 (.558) in the regular season

Gone 14-10 (.583) in the playoffs

Won their division 8 times, and lead the division for a would be 9th

Won the Super Bowl 3 times, Won the AFC 4 times

Had the greatest QB season in NFL history in 2013

Never lost to the Dallas Cowboys, Homer’s original ownership choice. (8-0 > since Week 10 of 1996).

Homer Simpson is a top 10 NFL owner ever

• Source

Turns out, Marge knows ball.

Oh my god, Titans vs. Colts?

Let's head up to Mark Sanchez's personal boxing ring, Indianapolis where after 8 very, very long games, the Titans have finally eclipsed 100 points on the season.

Incredible that such a poor quality team with such poor quality ownership decided to move on from their poor quality coach for somehow an even worse replacement. Mike McCoy is a loser playing loserball.

Now, them Colts are doing some incredible things. Indianiel Jones and Jonathan Touchdown are blazing an incredible path towards their traditional loss to the Patriots in the AFC Championship game. I simply can not wait.

Old man yells at Love

As Sunday Night rolled around, it was time to head up to ... or down to.. or east to.. Fuck man, for the longest time I couldn't tell where the fuck this game took place because everything and everyone was god damn fucking yellow.

Either dickhead fromunda cheese heads to the absolutely fucking garbage Mutant League Footballesque Steelers throwbacks,

The only time I was finally able to place the location was with the Mr. Rogers reference. As a big time Neighborhead, I knew that it originally was founded and filmed in Pittsburgh.

But yeah anyway, fucking Green Bay Packers. Are they seriously going to god damn luck into another fucking hall of fame QB? Fuck outta here.

Åssholes at Arrowhead

Still actually watching this Middling Midwest showdown of teams struggling to rekindle last season's magic.

The Commies have career backup Marcus "Not at all Super" Mariota completely throwing away any chance at leaving Kansas with a win while Mahomes sucked absolute asshole through the first two quarters with zero help from Mr. Swift's bumbling hands.

The second half yadda yadda yadda, Rashee Rice is a scumbag blah blah blah. Chiefs are still not in the playoff picture so fuck them.

Recapulations

Welp fellas, it's that time again! It's the day after the next week's games have already started!

W (6-2) SCHWEEEEEEEB
L (5-3) Penix Envy

Well hot damn, the SCHWAAAARRRRBer train keeps on chugging to their league-leading sixth fucking win. Scary Terry Mclaurin did his god damn bestest to bring Penix Envy back, but it just wasn't fucking enough.

And boy oh boy is the SCHWAAAAAAAAB thankful to somehow get out with a win given what could be a very tough next couple of weeks as his roster reconfigures itself after the absolutely brutal Skattebo injury. Jordan Mason ain't that guy. Aaron Jones Sr. doesn't look to be that guy. Alvin Kamara ain't that guy.

So good luck, you first place fucker.

Penix Envy really got fucked over this week by the complete shitshow down in Atlanta. The fuck is even going on:

• Mikey Penis was injured?
• Drake London was injured!?!?
• Kirk Cousins exists??

I am legitimately terrified of which Falcons team will show up next week vs. the Patriots.

W (5-3) Matural Light
L (4-4) mzarecta

Yo. What the fuck, Matural Light? 185.62 points?? How the fuck did you happen to have James Cook and Jonathan Taylor Tiddiedown? And what the fuck is this Troy Franklin asshole?? The fuck is even going on here - who thinks to fucking pick up these people!?

It's fucking shocking that you got lackluster performances from Romeo "romeo, where art though romeo you fucking scrub" Doubs, C.Otton, and the Falcons D/ST and still hit that total.

In a way, I hope mzarecta isn't too upset that the week that Chase Brown finally decides to show up to a matchup is the week where he literally had zero fucking chance. Just have go regroup, recover from the BYE week and hope that AJ Brown stops being a god damn fucking bitch.

L (3-5) Ding Dong Pattywhack
W (3-5) How's ya mom and dem

Yikes. The man tickles the nutsack of 140 points and still couldn't get himself a win during what appears to be quite the brutal BYE week - definitely could have used Gibbs and Hunter .. shit, probably could have enjoyed Kenny Walker over that Kyle Mugwai asshole.

Despite losing, I still have to congratulate Ding Dong on successfully ignoring everything I said about Tua Maynotsuckafteralloa. I thought the dude was done-zo for the season, and despite his unbelievably swollen eyes, the motherfucker put up 4 heavy naturals tiddies.

Hot damn! How's ya mom and dem is fucking heating the fuck up right now, grabbing his third fuckin win! Actually, not just grabbing it, emphatically snatching it with extreme prejudice.

W (5-3) Flip Flops & Coronas
L (4-4) The Impossible Kid

Well shit, Flip Flops & Coronas is absolutely tearing up the fuckin league right now: Just won his 4th straight matchup and owns the 3rd place spot - and still has $79 big ol' bucks to throw at the waiver wire.

Can anyone out there stop this out of control crazy train? Really the only thing that could crater his postseason chances is literally, his own roster:

• Diggs is .. OK? The man is allergic to 10+ point performances
• Derrick Henry appears to be heating up, but flailing wildly
• Caleb Williams is uhh not ok
• Rhamondrehedron Steviewonderson kind of fuckin sucks

You better pray to whatever God you choose to believe in that Joe Flacco continues to drag the Bengals' lifeless corpse through the rest of the season, and not just to have someone to place in your QB slot - Ja'Marr's production kinda sorta definitely maybe depends on it.

If past performance is any indication of future success, then The Impossible Kid should just walk away from this stupid smelly loss and enjoy his next two wins. I'm no mathemagician - just a simple idiot who loves very, very simple patterns. So when I see,

W
W
L
L
W
W
L
L < You are here
W
W
L
L

Any room temperature IQ being like myself can understand: You bet the fuckin house that next week is a W.

W (4-4) 91 Shrimp
L (4-4) The Justin League

Man, The Justin League really could have used a reboot of week 8. It's been a while since I've talked about the concept of "benching a win" after someone shoots themselves in the foot and leaves better performing players on their bench - but I think that after this particular situation, it's worth bringing up.

Ultimately, the entire thesis revolves around the fact that it's complete fucking horseshit. It relies on hindsight, and as everyone knows hindsight is the smelly, freeloading, homeless cousin of wisdom that only shows up after the party to tell you where you should have parked.

And everyone knows that there's no place for wisdom in fantasy football. It's mostly random chance, a dabble of happenstance, and smatterings of dumb fucking luck.

Don't sweat the technique The Justin League. You got bested by 91 Shrimp who had himself a great fucking week 8. In all honesty, I hope he didn't cash in all his good karma chips because he's gonna need a couple of those fuckers to actually get his ass above .500

I don't know what fucking price he had to pay to survive Byemageddon, but to only lose Davante for the week couldn't have been cheap - and I've heard those Etsy witches have been all booked up for the MLB Postseason. Maybe there's some Gofundme Gnomes he was able to contract out. Even if they're rather affordable, there's only so much he can do for the likes of scrubs like fuckin Matthew Golden and Rachaad White.

The latter of which is on Rachel's fantasy team in another league I'm in (yes I know - who cares about other leagues because they fuckin suck). I only mention it because she's so fucking pissed at how disappointing White has been as a stand-in for Bucky Irving. Like,, I'm partially worried for both Rachaad and Bucky's personal safety if things don't start going better.

L (3-5) Neon Dion DeSantis
W (2-6) The Scallywags

FUCKING THIS CLOSE. I was this close to fucking .500 god fucking damn it. But instead, I lose to the 12th fucking place team in the league. Of fucking course I did.

No offense The Scallywags (well, maybe some offense), but what the fuck. I spent last week talking about how fucking awesome I am at scoring points. How I've never scored fewer than 100, and what fucking happens? I get absolutely fucking dog shit performances from my two most important offensive weapons.

What the absolute FUCK was this shit? Fuck you Baker Mayfield you fucking chump ass fucker. 4.08 points in a win?? HOW DOES THAT SHIT HAPPEN??

And fuck you, Bijan. How do you expect to be Bijan al-Gaib and lead a revolution with a puny-assed 4.30 points against the dipshit Dolphins!??

AND THEN THE BABY-SHIT FROSTING TO MY FECAL CAKE IS THAT IF BAKER AND BIJAN DIDN'T FUCKING FUMBLE THE BALL, I'D HAVE THE 4 FUCKING POINTS I'D NEED TO WIN.

Yeah anyway, congrats The Scallywags, you fucking dick. You did your damnedest to fuck over your chance to win, including being perhaps the only person on Earth starting the Bengals DEF. And while I appreciate your consideration and generosity at this time of year, it sadly wasn't enough to keep my NaCl levels at an appropriate level to ensure a long and healthy lifespan.

Fin.

Welp folks, the longest, most rambly of all my rambles, and it's all finally fucking done. I hope y'all enjoy what you can from it, although I swear it's more messed up than the wild creations that they came up with for John Carpenter's The Thing.

And of course here we are, it's Halloween! I hope you enjoy the end of your Spooktober, because once we roll over into November, shit's gonna get realy wild real fast. The seasons are a changin' and the holidays are fast approaching.

So have a safe trick-or-treat if your kids are into that sort of thing, and may god have mercy on your souls if they've aged out and use this time of year to get wasted (ahhh, so many blurry memories).

Take care out there, love y'all and see you at this same time and channel next week!