Folks, when you're right 52% of the time you're wrong 48% of the time

Let's talk football.

But first, time to get into the mood:

Rainy City Bitch Pigeons @ Cards

What in the doodoo-batter-splatter were those Cardinals Jerseys?

Now, I consider myself a huge fan of a nice clean jersey, and those fuckers weren't clean whatsoever - by design.

Endzones were pretty great, though.

..oh right.. And there was a game played, which I didn't really give a shit about. Congrats to the Seafuckers.

Yikings @ Ireland Stillers

Haven't seen Vikings repelled by the Emerald Isle since the Battle of Clontarf in 1014.

Commodes @ Failcons

Hahahhaa, fucking Washington. It's going to take fucking years to wash the Snyder Stink off your franchise.

On the other hand, what in the cinnamon toast fuck is up with Atlanta? The rollercoaster of emotions this team gives fans has been driving my coworkers out of their minds.

Aints @ Bill's

I don't really fuckin care. Bills are good. New Orleans, ain't.

GPODAWUND @ Lions

Ooo...k...... welp. Over the years, the Elite Joe Flacco has cooked his way to a Super Bowl. But right now, he's fuckin COOKED. He done. Stick a fork in him. Just bring in Shadeur so I can have the absolutely fucking worst takes about him.

Pound Kitties @ Greatriots

While I've never met a man who made me question my own sexuality, Drake Maye.

Charge @ GEEEEEE-Men

Good to see the Chargers are back.

Iggles @ Buccos

It didn't seem like this was going to be competitive whatsoever, and then Philly just kept fucking up and Baker went Touchdown Maker.

Thankfully for those Brotherly Lovers, Philly secured a win after snatching a late-game turnover.

Best way I've seen this game described by an Eagles fan:

First half: Da Vinci-level masterpiece

Second half: Smearing shit on a truck stop bathroom wall

Tittans @ Tejans

Titans fucking suck. They have to be fucking Fantasy Football poison, even Tony Pollard. How does a team not score a single point??

Lolts @ Charge - no wait Rams

Aka, Indiana Jones and the Touchback of Doom

Wish I had more to offer on this one, but not sure how to discuss a game that I literally watched no footage of. I guess uhhh, Stafford is old, but he can still sling it, like an Alec Baldwin or Robert DeNiro who for some reason won't stop having kids despite their fuckin old nasty ages. Just chill out you guys, we get it. You have sex. Congrats.

God Hates Jags @ 49IRs

What the fuck, the Jags are 3-1? Holy shit. Tied with the Incredible Colts who looked remarkably human on Sunday (right?). I guess I shouldn't be surprised - although I don't think I've seen a single iota of Jaguars football yet this season, but from what I've read they have a fuckin great defense. Something like 14 takeaways in the last 3 games which is fucking nuts.

Now. As far as SF? What's been going on there..?

Raves @ Chefs

To say that this is a down year for the Ravens is truly underselling how fucking bad they've been performing this season. Since I have to base most everything I know about the NFL via the snapshots provided by Fantasy Football stats - it would appear that Llamar Jackson and Derrick Henry are both going to be forced into retirement by week 7; The Baltimore defense is being punished and has only been able to field 9 players on defense for the first 6 games; Mark Andrews was so traumatized from the postseason fuckups last season that he will never play at a high level again.

Brrs @ Rrrrraidrrrrrs

Are ... are the Bears, good? I really should catch these motherfuckers on TV because it seems like they could be a really fun team to watch with the new head coach, Caleb "fruity painted nails" Williams, and some fairly decent offensive weapons.

Or the teams they've been playing have been dogshit. Like the Raiders. Fucking wild to think that they'd be such a laughting-stock, but the more I think about it, I think the Raiders have been 8 lbs of shit stuffed into a broken ziploc bag for maybe .. over half of my lifetime? How could the franchise who drafted a drunken kicker in the first round have fallen so much?

Pack @ Boys

This is quite the, What the fuck is up with ______? week. The fuck, Packers??

Honestly. How the fuck does a primetime Sunday Night game end in a 40-40 tie?? I'm not totally against the concept of a tie, but if you're the only game, and both teams have scored more than 17 points, then keep that shit going until someone fucking wins. If it's a 6-6 game, then just give fans mercy and slap a tie on that abomination.

But 40-40?? That's a fuckin shoot-out. Keep those players playing until someone finally gets a score. Fuck player safety, no one believes in that bullshit anymore. GIVE ME A SATISFYING END. I DON'T EVEN NEED EYE CONTACT OR A HAPPY ENDING - JUST SATISFACTION.

Jest @ Lolphins

Tyreek with literally only a single leg is a better football player than human. I don't want to say I ever root for injuries but.

And while the Jets lost, I think there was some really fucking great takeaways for those NYJ fans,

Now if the head coach would stop pissing away games by trying to pass the ball. Just fucking run that shit.

Bungles @ Donkeys

What the fuck? A second Monday Night game? Is this because the NY/MIA matchup was supposed to be that fucking awful?

At least the first MNF game was kinda close so it stayed interesting, this game was fucking over before the NYJ/MIA game was even over. Holy fuck the Bungles are so fucking bad - and we have them in like, five or six more primetime games. INCLUDING A THANKSGIVING GAME. I do not want to fucking watch anymore Cincy football. That shit is fucking horrific for your health.

..Moving on..

Week 4 is in the books. We are knuckle-deep into Fall. Leaves are changing colors. Mornings are brisk, baby! September is over, so wake the fuck up,

October is next up, along with week 5 and the first set of byes. Now that I'm fuckin old, the upcoming Halloween holiday carries a completely new meaning. Instead of being excited for probably the most boob-o-riffic holiday of the season, I'm excited to get my own child dressed up in a costume. Hopefully this is the year I actually put some thought into my own costume and don't just throw on a toolbelt and go as Bob the Builder (who I've been told, is an actual thing).

Although, I have to admit that any costume that includes a tool belt is fucking prime for walking around in one of those Trick-or-Treat groups where the adults are pounding beers and the kids are scrambling from house to house. The belt I have can literally fit an entire 4-pack of 18oz cans, with plenty of room to spare for empties, coozies, and excess candy.

So what was I talking about? I can't even fucking remember, let's just move on to the fucking reacaps.

LET'S RECAP SOME HORSESHIT

L (2-2) mzarecta
W (3-1) SHHHWAAAAAAB

Really a shame. Mza had a great chance at winning this battle of 2-1s but unfortunately, he (like me in two other leagues) depended a little too much on the dipshittery of one Chase Brown.

Dude is such a fucking Bengal at heart: has a pretty decent season last year (didn't even hit 1k yards, but had 7 touchdowns) that looked incredible compared to his RB teammate absolutely fooled the fuck out of impressionable assholes this season (again, me in two other leagues).

Now, when the push comes to fuck, owners get absolutely fucking haranged.

That said, still did better than that AJ Brown dipshit. The fuck is up with that emo clown? The fuck is he posting AIM away messages on twitter, for??

Congrats on the win, Schwabster - despite your shit-sandwich of a lineup, you got that dub.

W (3-1) Matural Light
L (1-3) The Scallywags

Matural Light put up a pretty solid showing with his lineup - especially right in that creamy middle with Doubs, Taylor, and Cook. But what the fuck is up with your bench? It looks like the result of yet another active trans radical commie leftist shooter, just a bunch of motionless casualties.

The Scallywags falls back down to .500 with the loss

I uhh. I ain't got much,

• McConkey fuckin sucked.
• DeVonta Smith fucking sucked.
• Kareem Hunt fuckin sucked.
• Shit, even Tony Pollard fuckin sucked.

What an eclectic group of useless assholes.

L (1-3) Flip Flops & Coronas
W (2-2) Ding Dong Pattywhack

Holy fuck. Ding Dong with another huge win. Everything just seems to have gone right for this lucky jerk - with the icing on the cake being something I've never seen before:

Tyreek Hill was projected to score zero fucking points and actually came away with roughly 10?? How the fuck does that happen? Does anyone actually come out on the other side of a player being projected for 0.0 with fucking points?? The fuck does someone navigate themselves to that result? Absolutely nuts that there is nothing else to discuss when it comes to Tyreek.

Flippity Flops is in rough shape,

• Burrow: gone.
• Ja'Marr: effort gone.
• Tractorcito: spirit dead.
• Nick Chubb: flacid.
• Jameis: benched for life.

He's fuckin stuck depending on Carson Wentz. Holy fuck, man.

W (3-1) The Justin League
L (3-1) Penix Envy

Ahhh yes. Our-first-non-kicker-matchup-that-I-actually-caught-since-I-haven't-really-been-keeping-up-with-boxscores-until-last-week game. Much respect to all who celebrate, however it does look like that Penix Envy kinda got himself castrated Justin time for week 5.

I think this matchup could have been closer, but frankly the absolute Frankenstein roster/bench that Penix has is just too confusing to figure out. The man has 5 fucking quarterbacks, and one Judkins. I simply can not muster enough brainpower to understand the scoring implications of such things.

Nice to see Jefferson return to form - of course, he's no Ashton Jeanty, but I suppose you don't need him to be when you have the Justin Triple threat out there.

Herbert, Jefferson, and Fields netted 59.26 points - not fuckin bad.

Not great, but not bad.

W (2-2) 91 Shrimp
L (2-2) The Impossible Kid

Holy shite. What a god damn roster by 91 Shrimp. Oddly enough, the worst performing position player was fucking Brock Bowers - and I did not expect the Green Bay D/ST to score negative points. #ThisLeague

Shame to see such a wasted Dak performance, but hey at least it only got much, much worse with Nabers going down in New York.

On the bright side, looks like you'll go mildly insane trying to figure out the best 2 starters out of Barkley, Achane and Etienne - a guessing game that will only result in losses!

W (2-2) How's ya mom and dem
L (0-4) Neon Dion DeSantis

Welp. Looks like my mild meltdown on the Fantasy chat was a little premature because what, 100 seconds after I hit enter Sutton caught a first down, gave me a lead I never relinquished. So while I will die on the hill that the Broncos franchise should be burned to the ground and have the ashes covered in salt, perhaps I was a little hard on Courtland. Sure, he's named after an extremely mid apple (Honeycrisp Sutton would be a much better athlete name), but the man put up when he needed to.

And really, my condolences to How's ya mom and dem. There are few things worse than catching a loss after scoring the second highest point total in a week because you happened to be going against the highest scoring roster. I don't understand how that seems to happen so much - is it confirmation bias, is it frequency bias, perhaps the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, maybe it's Maybelleine .. but whatever it is, it's fuckin bullshit.

I've said it before and I'll say it again to fill up the word count like I do every week: Fantasy Football is quite the Bitch Goddess. Welcome to the league!

Fin.

Welp. That's all he/she wrote, my dudes and dudettes. Good luck dealing with our first bye week, and enjoy the last few months of 2025. Just think, right around the corner is another year of potential, of adventure, of opportunities to finally make something of yourself.

Or if you're like me, another year of calcifying yourself in your ways!

Anyway, I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. Enjoy the waning season of Oktoberfest events, get that flannel out of the closet, and snort a line of pumpkin spice. Because it's October, it's fuckin Autumn, and if you don't live in a region that gets to enjoy it, well.. I guess this sentiment is meaningless.

What isn't, is that I hope y'all enjoy the rest of the MLB postseason. Well. Unless you're a fan of the Yankees, in which case I hope you suffer a brutal loss tonight and have nightmares of Trevor Story, Garrett Crochet, and Connelly Early until pitchers and catchers report.

Take care, love you all!