Gobble gobble

Belichick n Mayo Farts

OK fuck faces, I need to sit with you all and discuss how important good, quality, chemistry is.

Whether you're droppin a tab of LSD, enjoying some fine homemade Meth, maybe your team trying to overcome a superior opponent, or just maybe you think of yourself as some sort of Alchemist who can turn any old pile of shit into Au, life is just rife with the need to have great chemistry.

I think we've all had that shit job we hated, being ordered around by some shitsipping boss who constantly talks about how "boinkable" certain customers, but we show up to it - not because we're underpaid and are desperate for health insurance because that fuckin lump isn't just getting bigger, it's pulsing and aching - because we can't let our teammates, our coworkers down.

We'll bend over, grab a wheelbarrow by our own buttcheeks and drag that fuckin thing shoeless through a mile of broken glass for coworker chemistry. Solidarity even.

Want a good/decent drug reference in regards to chemistry? Go fuckin' binge Breaking Bad.

Bringing it back to teamwork - and since I'm nearing Rambling Territory - it's paramount to have good team chemistry. You get a great lockerroom devoid of drama, you have clear-cut leaders whose leads the yutes and newly signed will follow, and in the event there is some shit hitting a fan, there is enough respect and leadership that those bumps would get smoothened.

And how could you possibly get the greatest, most bestest, peak chemistry?

Farts.

source

That's fuckin right. Our outside and inside linebacker coaches are absolutely roasting people with a god damn fuckin fart machine.

And this guy

via GIPHY

Fuckin fartin' all over the god damn place.

Shit. They pranked the original TB in Tedy Bruschi Troy Brown!

And how are they all rewarded?

Paul "Poopypants" Pierce

First, a quote by the Philosopher Paulson Pierce (source),

Hall of Famer Paul Pierce sat down with The Athletic's Michelle Beadle to discuss a plethora of topics — from LeBron James to his exit from ESPN to his infamous wheelchair game in 2008 — in the latest episode of "What Did I Miss?" released on Friday.

Pierce is one of the best players to step onto a court, evident by him being named to the NBA's 75th Anniversary Team, but one of the moments he's most known for is his infamous wheelchair game in Game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals against the Lakers. Many have speculated that the 10-time All-Star soiled himself on the court, a detail he denies to this day.

"If you pооp your pants, does it make sense to sit down and mush it in a wheelchair?" Pierce asked Beadle. "I would walk back there and go straight to the bathroom. Why would I need a wheelchair if I pооped my pants? You don’t sit down on your pооp, right? It doesn’t make sense."

Incredible.

mush it in a wheelchair

Like. What the fuck. I actually love Paul Pierce more. This happened 10+ years ago and he seriously is like, "yeah sure, let's bring this all up again and let me address it specifically." [thanks Joe - now the joke is hilarious]

Frankly, all the people discussing this event know fucking nothing. I might just be 38-years-old with at least a dozen years left on this planet, but let me tell you: kids nowadays don't know anything about shitting themselves.

Back in my day, we ain't have all these magical cellphones to call or text for help. We had to clench-walk to the fuckin payphone that was right outside the school's office - and in the middle of the most trafficked hallway in the building - then we'd have to fuckin dial down the god damn middle and pray that a parent was home and was sober enough to come pick me up because my pants tucked into my socks could only hold so much poo juice.

Nowadays, we have magical, watertight meundies that were made for shit holdin. God damn man, I'll sometimes keep an entire opened snackpack down there to keep my technique and mechanics fresh.

Mush it.

The Unvaccinated

Rodgers.
Amari.

..I honestly forget where I was going with this one. For realsies this time. I had those two names and that header since Sunday and can't for the life of me figure out what the holy fuck I ever felt like writing about.

Doesn't really matter. The NFL supposedly has their protocol and they barely hold players to it. Everything about that system in place to keep employees and their families healthy seems to be in order:

If anyone's getting sick or dying, I sure as hell ain't hearing about. Just like the NFL wanted it!

In conclusion, fuck you, keep reading.

Gaames

Pats vs. Falcons

I should have a lot more for this game, but all I got is a giant boner that hasn't gone away for like, 70 hours. Shit's gotten as hard as a golfball and turned completely jet black. Like blacker than death, it's almost like that pure black where you can't even tell if there's shadows on it or anyhting.

Which always reminds me of how much fun it is to watch a rookie quarterback develop from their goofy fuckin draft day gifs to being an absolute first-degree murderer on the field.

Of course, Mac still has a long way to go from random leg injuring to actual murder, but Belichick will show him the ropes.

Saints vs. Eagles

Saints fuckin suck ass. What the fuck are they doin with Seamean and Taysome? Both of them are such garbage QBs. Shame Payton didn't hold onto Teddy Throwsevelt.

Dophins vs. Jets

It's funny. I hate the Dolphins a lot. Like, a lot. Probably my second most hated team after those fucking asshole Broncos.

And maybe in third place, it's the god damn Jets.

But I've come to learn that I'll never hate the Jets in anywhere near the same capacity as your average New York Jets fan.

...fuck I hate that the Dolphins are looking good. Fuckin idiot fish. So fucking stupid that they claim to be mammals. Fucking stupid.

WFT vs. Panthers

I fuckin love this dude.

God damn I wish it worked out last year. It kinda sorta started to, but then Cam got Covid and the season just fell the fuck apart.

I mean, Newton's even pullin shit like this now,

Also, fuck the god damn Washington Football Team. How the fuck Dan Snyder not getting flak for literal sex trafficking? You know, where the Redskins tried to pimp out cheerleaders in Costa Rica?

Not enough awful things can happen to that franchise. Ron Rivera should get the fuck away .. but he probably already has the shit stink on him.

Colts vs. Bills

It's the devil.

So. All you assholes that were lucky enough to face Jonathan Taylor in your various leagues:

Who actually ended up winning?

Just me? Fuckin noice.

Lions vs. Browns

Oh my god. Ewww. Fuckin Rust Bowl with two franchises that are absolutely dicking their own fans this season.

And this game .. what the fuck. 10-13? Good god damn jesus titty fuckin christ balls. What is up with the Lions nearly pulling out all these fucking wins against AFC North teams? Either game-winning kicks, outright tying, or .. this game.

Shit man, Goff would have fucking gave the Lions a chance to win.

Obviously that means he couldn't play, but oh my fuckin god, these poor Detroit Lions fans.

Only anything/anyone suffering more would be Baker Mayfield. I feel like I'm streets ahead on this declaration: he's a little too injured to be playing.

Just sit the dude before he turns into this,

One last thing: People are saying that Laavar Arrington sucks absolutely shit through a straw as an announcer.

9ers vs. Jags

Just like their west coast fans, looks like the 49ers are finally showing up to the 2021 NFL season! Not sure if being fashionably late will translate into a deep postseason run, but frankly: what the fuck do I know about anything? Like my pappy always told me, "you don't know shit Joe, shut the fuck up."

Ahh such a wonderfully repressed childhood.

(Urban Meyer bores me now)

Texans vs. Titans

Ryan tannehil looked like the worst player on the field in a game that featured the 2021 Houston Texans (source)

:chef_kiss:

Can't wait for the next AFC South showdown with the Texans. They're 2-1 in the division and possibly going to fuck up a lot of bets going forward.

Packers vs. Vikes

Rodgers throws 4 TDs: Loss
Rodgers throws 0 TDs: Win

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

(what the ever-loving fuck are these Vikings???)

Ravens vs. Bears

Another what the ever-loving fuck situation. If I'm not mistaken, and I often am .. mistaken, the Ravens should have definitely pissed this game away like flu-having Llamar does from his anus.

But the Bears are the Bears. They are Chicago. They are heartattackbreak. They are cursed because they desecrated the concept of a kielbasa by throwing cheese inside it like some fucking monster.

Fuck you, Bears. Fire Nagy for the love of God. Who fucking cares if the Bears, a charter member of the NFL, haven't ever fired a coach mid-season, fucking do it.

Bengals vs. Raiders

This is the first win after a bye for the Bengals in 6 years.

To give you some perspective, the Bears have 8-straight losses so the Bengals weren't even the worst-best to do it. Why the fuck are we supposed to laude them? Because they were outliers?? Pfft.

Don't we just fucking dismiss outliers anyway?

Piss off, Bengals.

Cards vs. Seahawks

Eww. EWWWWW.

At least with the Seahawks in an absolute free-fall, they can draft some nice rooki-.

[Laughs in NY Jets]

OK well, with restocking from the draft off the table, maybe the Seahawks should just look into trading Russell for $1.50 on the dollar and then ride with Mr. Seattle: Colt McCoy.

Dude is fuckin 3-0 in Seattle. Quarterbacking three different teams.

Oh, you want the stats to back that up? Tough. You think I'm going to put in that much extra work? Boy, you don't know Joe.

Cowboys vs. Chefs

19-9

Between teams who supposedly have two of the top-5 offenses (when operating at maximum powah), we ended up with a fucking 19-9 final score??

I missed the game, but the only thing more infuriating than the final score was, you guessed it: MORE BULLSHIT TAUNTING PENALTIES!

This would be the perfect time for me to insert some of the worst calls. But that requires effort, and with it being 9:45pm on Tuesday, I simply do not fucking care enough to bless you with what some would call, 110%.

Steeeeers vs. Charge

No.

Giants n Buccos

haha references

Recaps

W - 138.98 (6-5) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

L - 122.32 (5-6) mzarecta

Oof. mza takes Trinidad's Swollen Testicles across the bow - and that's despite a Jonathan Taylor performance for the fucking ages.

In reality mza, your lineup is kind of a dumpster fire holy shit, you got only double digits from two other players (16 and change from two .. which is neat), and then you ultimately got completely fucked by Patrick Mahomes.

It's pretty funny seeing how his recent outputs have been cratering fantasy teams all over the fuckin place.

Either fuckin way, the complete team fuckin won .. with Trevor Simeon leading the way? Wait, is this fucker good??

Am I asking that same fucking question every god damn week, now?

L - 76.88 (7-4) I Am The Captain Now

W - 111.12 (5-6) Seyton Manning

Had a chance to separate himself from the pack, but just couldn't take advantage of the opportunity. That BYE week really fucked you up, Captain.

Seyton Manning, on the other hand just fuckin rocked out with his 18-point docks out. Aiyuk, McLaurin, Conner - all scored 18 and change. Love that kinda shit.

Imagine if Saquads Barkley could fuckin muster up anything on that shit Giants offense like he should be (I actually have no clue what's up with the kid). Would help mask the bullshit that comes out of Burrow and Ryan seemingly week to week.

Wait.

He was on the IR? For what? Hershey Squirts??

L - 139.12 (6-5) Flip Flops & Coronas

W - 157.64 (8-3) The Impossible Kid

photo of shock

The Impossible Kid is back? Where the fuck does this guy have all this production coming from?? Henry's on the IR, and I guess Miles Sanders just came off of it .. but he has,

Q'Aaron,
Thielen,
Davante,
Ertz,
Meineke,
Jarvis Landry,

on his roster?? How the fuck he pull off that draft? Jesus tittyfuckin Christ.

But most of all, he fucked up Flip Flops & Coronas' pretty outstanding output. I mean, he had all but two players hit double digits. Multiple 20+ point showings - and even if he had Moore in the place of Baker, he still would have lost.

L - 96.86 (3-8) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 117.06 (5-6) The Scallywags

According to the advanced analytics, this 20 point win was quite the fuckin back and god damn mother fuckin forth,

I wish there were a way to see when each of the players' fantasy output goes final (their game ends) so it'd be easier to see exactly how the whole matchup shook out.

Although you can't, I know that the big ol' fuckin Wafflesburger and Miguel Williams were the players that carried The Scallywags' fuckin under .500 carcass over the finish line and assure that this SCHWAAAAAAAB bitch is still tied with my dumb ass in the standings.

Don't you fuckin dare think you can escape me.

Just to also mention, y'all both have some decently healthy benches. I'm jelly.

And McCaffrey didn't miss a fucking beat. What the holy fuck that dude is a god damn beast who'll most likely develop way too many head trauma events.

L - 112.30 (5-6) 91 Shrimp

W - 122.42 (7-4) Matural Light

Holy fuckin shit this Matural Light guy is just going game-for-game with The Impossible Kid. And poor 91 Shrimp had to get in his way this week. So close to getting over .500 at a fairly opportune time in the season to be over .500 was a failed mission. And I'm sure it Hurts. Not way he Diggs it. Just don't blow any Gaskins. You can always walk up Tanneyhill, and, Hunt .. er.

Fuck.

That was 91 Shrimp.

As for Matural Light, holy feck it seriously seems like the offensive player to get from the Chiefs is Tyreek Hill. Since I do these fuckin dipshit columns, I do tend to try to remember certain observations week to week .. I've ever started to actually write 'em down this season in a big ol' notebook.

Well,, I used to do that before, but I took a break?

Anyway back to the stupid fucking story: I feel like Mahomes has really been not performing anywhere near he should be with his output. And even though he still shits out pure fantasy points from time to time, it's not as consistent as it once was. So that's why I feel like Tyreek is the best choice since he's actually consistent. He typically gets double digits with mid teens to mid 20s from time to time.

I should see how often he outscores Mahomes ... but also fuck that.

L - 117.26 (3-8) Spider 2 Y U do this

W - 121.72 (6-5) Chubb and Tug

Ugh. I totally didn't deserve to back my fuckin ass into a win with this game.. Or really any more wins this season after accidentally dropped Justin Fields in some dumbass haze. But it happened, and I'm going to fight on because,,

I 👏 DON'T 👏 WANT 👏 TO 👏 FINISH 👏 LAST 👏 AGAIN

Fuck I hate Sunday Night Football, fucking Ekeler. God damn it.

Fin.

Welp. That was a sad final recap - but that's what you get when it's 8:35am on Thanksgiving and I gotta get this shit sent out before week 12 fucking starts.

Much love my buds, I really hope everyone has a wonderful day and everyone plays nice with everyone else. You guys are the best and I'm truly thankful to have countless memories with each of you, love you fellers so make sure you all binge responsibly and stay fuckin safe today.

We still got more weeks to fuck up before this season's over.

Mom.

My mom tested positive for Coronavirus and my entire outlook on the pandemic changed to the point where I'd love to personally break every willingly unvaccinated person's legs. Like, not just me snap my fingers and a toe breaks, or perhaps some hairline fracture somewhere - I'm talking about putting one's heel against the sidewalk curb, and I just dive into the knee. I want the person to kick themselves in the balls.

I feel like a lot of that is an emotional reaction to a person who has taken an abundance of caution due to the fact that she is the caretaker for both her mother (my grandmother), but also my father who seemingly suffers a stroke every 10 months .. so he's not really all up there no more, and that's me assuming he was at one point (nyuck nyuck nyuck).

I've done my best to step in but I had a pretty tenuous grip on my own fuckin life, barely able to consistently exercise, struggling to balance work from home and personal life, trying not to tilt when I hit a 15-game losing streak while grinding ranked matchups, underperforming by only masterbating four times and shitting thrice a day.

I basically stopped being able to contribute back to society, took multiple days off, and did my best to feed and generally take care of three different adults who can't really be in the same room together.

So yeah. For all the unvaccinated out there, spare me your shitty crocodile tears and fuck off. If this personally offends you, go ahead and fucking never come back and read this shit again because you don't deserve it. Stick an air compressor in your urethra and fuckin blow your useless balls away you selfish prick. I hope all your dreams come true and you eventually are blessed with your very own Herman Cain Award, making the World will be a better place.

I'm sure your friends and family would be burdened by the loss of life, but you don't fucking care because you're a selfish piece of shit.

For all the vaccinates out there, I just want to thank you, from the deep, dark, recesses of my black heart. You took it on yourself to take a very small, but insanely selfless step fighting back this piece of shit pandemic. I wouldn't be surprised if a significant majority of you vaccinateds also wear masks whenever possible, because (not to sound like a broken record) you're not a selfish piece of shit.

There are countless people out there not getting sick, their families not being burdened, friends not having to worry, just humans doing their best to continue living their lives, because society as a whole is trying to do what is best.

Gotta keep grinding. Gotta keep optimistic. And gotta keep naming, shaming, and gifting Herman Cain Awards until either we make it through to the other side, or the unfortunately large group of ignorant shitheads finally fuck around and find out.

Now that I got that out of my system,