Good god, I'm terrible at titles

The Remake Game

So this has little to nothing to do with the NFL - but it was something that came to me while watching some dumbass ad for the new Home Alone movie on Disney+ after catching a previous SNL with Kieran McCulkin:

Instead of just status-quo remakes, can we get like .. some movies that pay homage to the shit we ate up as kids (I mean content, not actual wet shit), but targeted to our now-adult selves?

Can we get a Home Alone where Mac is really old, broke, and actually needs to rob some house? Instead of the perspective of some kid, we get a late-30s deadbeat dipshit that we can all relate to? Like, thanks to Buzz being a belligerent anti-vaxxer, both parents passed away when he wouldn't help them get to the hospital.

Then his sister could be someone who happened to be on the observation deck of Tower 1 (he had a sister, right?).

And then any remaining sibling could just be actually Kieran.

Kevin could have nightmares about the Pigeon Lady, and it turns out the Shovel Guy next-door was schizophrenic and thought the thieves were actually crab people (taste like crab, talk like people).

Make this some super dark comedy and you'll make heaps of cash from us Millennials. We love content, especially content that's inspired by shit we used to god damn love from the before-time.

You know, the long-long ago from when we were growing up in the 90s (and some of us in the early aughts) when the World seemed so fuckin simple and easy to obtain for us Fatmericans. Then we had to live through a couple wars and a few economic recessions.

Then everything we were taught through movies, tv, comics, and pop-culture turned out to be completely fuckin wrong. We were promised pay-phones that allow me to travel beyond our virtual reality, we were promised a decent career if we started in the mail room, we were promised a god damn robot uprising.

Instead, all we fuckin got was so much of our generation just now coming to realize Rage Against the Machine is political and a Transformers franchise consisting of nothing but some LeBoof kid and Lens Flares.

So fuck you Michael Bay. Give me a 30-years-after, somehow-alcoholic Rodimus Prime talking about how he actually got Optimus Prime killed to a group of Transformerlings.

Don't give me some bullshit Transformer movies WHERE YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE OPTIMUS PRIME HIS GOD DAMN FUCKING MASK. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD THE NERVE TO DIGITALLY ANIMATE OPTIMUS' STUPID LITTLE MONKEY MOUTH TALKING.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKING WHY???

DJax

So. We've had some fun with dumbass athletes saying dumbass things. No one gets through it unscathed:

Tom Brady told us that you can drink water instead of using sunscreen.

Drew Brees joining the conversation several years too late, with info several years too old

We'll take the ball, and we're gonna score.

Head Coach Edition: Coach doesn't know why he did things.

Ryan Tanneyhill doesn't know dick about NFL division and conference alignment

Backup quarterback Matt Moore then quizzed him on a few teams. Tannehill had the Chiefs in the NFC East and the Giants in the NFC North. And then Moore laughed and said, "How do you not know this?"

Good fuckin lord, Tanneyhill.

"Holy shit, there are ties in football?"
McNabb (probably)

So this all brings me to, a couple years ago we had quite the fuckin statement from waaaay Left Field:

What the holy fuck is this nazi shit?

Yeah anyway, I feel like it helps keep certain things in perspective - and hopefully reminds people that these superduperstar athletes have been coddled their whole lives because they're absolute human physical specimen. Very few have ever been mentally challenged, and I'm sure many of them believe They Are Very Smart™, which only makes them make stupider statements with more confidence.

Just look at Rodgers the other day, dude sounded like such a condescending dickbag talking about his good friend, Joe Rogan.

Athletes shouldn't generally be role-models. Want to highly respect their motivation/drive? Sure. Want to model your workouts after theirs? Go for it. Want to use their highlight reels to pump yourself up before taking a dump? Crush those shits.

But just be careful with which fellers you defend because they're makin big plays on the field.

Unless you're a big anti-semite, then you might just get a podcast on Showtime. (Fuck that asshole)

So Joe, what the fuck was the point of all this shit? I'm happy that the few progressive and tolerant folks among us can unite and cheer when a dipshit like DeSean fucks up,

What is it with Jackson and the fucking red zone? Does he think it's fuckin lava? Is he being extorted to stay out of there with a ball? What a bigoted dipshit. Get injured you tub of horse dicks.

Holidays

So. We got holidays. Happy Holidays. Soon. Almost.

Next week. Humbug.

GAEMS

Ravens n Miami

Just as we all predicted, the Ravens completely dominated a shitshow of a Dolphins squad. Tua is trash, and Brissett needs to come in as the savior. It's just crazy how fucking good the Ravens and AFC North division is.

Oh wait. Thank goodness I didn't have too much written for this initially.

So I'm not going to focus on the Ravens failures, more just one singular moment:

And then the MEMERY

Anyway, before we move on I feel like most of us are asking,

Wtf is this AFC North division?

Buff n Jest

Frankly, it's not a big shocker that Buffalo would end White Supremacy .. on offense.

And that's about it. I dunno.

Buccs @ WFT

First things first:  Gronk, please fucking stop the USAA ads. Please.

I feel my brain expand ever so slightly every time one of those Gronk/USAA ads come on the tv. I feel like my head wants to absolutely explode.

Second things second:  Brady, too old?

It's fuckin' wild how bad he's looked this game. I already forgot the previous one, so I can't really speak to whether it's been a 2-game shit streak. Just know that in the last two weeks, Tom Brady has two losses while the Detroit Lions have none.

Then in that final 4th quarter, I still believed that the GOAT could muster up the will to put together a game-winning drive. But good god damn, if you're a fan of clock management, that 10+ minute drive to keep Brady off the field was fucking pornography.

What a fucking clutch catch by Terry. No flag either,

MONEYMAKER,,

Falcons vs. Cowboys

Perhaps the greatest comment made about this game was,

Can someone explain why the Cowboys were not called for taunting when they made the score 28-3? Source

Second quick thing to add before moving on: Trevon Diggs is fucking incredible. I absolutely love watching that dude play cornerback, he's so amazingly talented it's absurd. He has eight interceptions already.

Saints vs Titans

Just out of curiosity, why the fuck do people tweet dramatic shit like this without a clip? Fuck you PFT. I don't care if your PFTCommenter's dad, you're a useless piece of online shit.

Florio aside, Titans are pretty dang good. Marcus Johnson is the guy and shit. Pretty neato!

...

Oh and Vrabel mentioned some shit about them having rostered and used 82 players so far this season. To give y'all some context: the record for an NFL season is 84.

Jags vs Colts

This game was way too fucking close. But the Colts will still put up a banner this season for making the playoffs or some embarrassing thing that I'm too lazy to make a specific joke about. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Lions vs Steeeeeers

This is the most impressive shit I've ever seen by the Lions. What the holy fuck is this Detroit game? How can the team have zero wins through ten weeks and I still have no idea whether Dantera is any good as a head coach?

A fucking tie. Fucking Jared Goof. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING WITH THIS DETROIT TEAM. I tried putting this stream on one of my computers to watch and it was the most ridiculously stupid car crash I couldn't stop watching. No Wafflesburger, Goff is god damn fucking horrible, and it seemed like no one wanted to win this fucking game.

Just take the sequence of events from the overtime:

Overtime!!

• Fumble
• INT
• Punt
• Fumble
• Offensive penalty
• Fumble
• Defensive penalty
• INT
• Offsides
• Fumble

Tie game.  
(source)

Browns vs. Greatriots

These fahken Patriots ahh a serious threat right now! I fahken can't fahken beleeve how fah this Mac kehd come in what? Half a season?? Ahh we gowna have a second Tawm?? What a wicked sweet fahken spawt ta be en! Fahk alla youu fake fans, I betta nawt see any at tha Packie or along that rail trail bullshit all these outta townahs love jerkin awff on. I sweaah, once the couahts let me wwalk on them shits, imma be pointin' out awll dose brand new pats hats.

So I got no end to this joke, it was just fun to type that shit out. I imagine most of you have already read it out loud to yourself a couple times. Hope I fahken NAILED that shit.

I just feel inspired after this incredible McCorkle performance. Just like, ignore that very first drive by the Browns and it was a god damn one-sided barn burner .. so really more of a pillaging than anything.

I still can't believe Odell did this.

Yeah but anyway, great fuckin game on all sides by the Patriots.

Fucking Browns. Stop fuckin sucking and shit. Although it's rough to be missing your two absolute studs at running back, hopefully at least one of them can return next week and Cleveland can take advantage of the shit division they're in.

In regards to Troy Hill, reports are saying he has movements in his extremities. Ultimately he was diagnosed with a cervical neck sprain and released from the hospital Sunday night.

vikes n Chargers

I forget if I should give a shit about this game...

[checks notes]

Meh. Vikings didn't blow the game, actually got to see them in victory formation.

BOOOORIIING

Panthers n Cards

So happy to see Cam back on a roster and being featured for his fashion. Usually he looks a little ridiculous, but today he looks fuckin great.

I hate to toss some hate at Mandler, but this is getting kind of annoying if he's gonna be doing it every week. All he has to do is file a request with the league and they'll probably approve the shit. And if they don't, then you can complain how unfair the shit is.

Shut up, Florio. The fuck you think you know about this shit?

More importantly: Cam's back.

Fuck I love that dude. I'm so happy to see him back on the Panthers, bangin the drum, and absolutely truckin defenders.

Eagles vs Broncos

Only other thing to mention is I think the Eagles are undefeated against animal teams. So yeah!

Seahawks vs Packpackpackpack

GUESS WHO'S BACK?

And of course, congratulations to Blitz Boy!

This was the game where I think my Rodgers hate boner was born. Yeah sure, I have a bias against people who talk a lot of stupid shit with confidence .. who play for other teams*

And I guess I just learned what it's like to hopelessly watch any chance at happiness disappear like dust in the wind. Just a brutal game. Definitely not worth start Mr. Wilson this week.

*Because fuck you if you think I'll ever hate Brady despite his dumbass TB12 method shit... or hell, when he was on the team, Carl fuckin Everett:

Carl Everett doesn't believe in dinosaurs because Adam and Eve didn't see them.  

Carl Everett would consider retiring if a teammate were gay.

Carl Everett doubts Neil Armstrong landed on the moon.

Carl Everett thinks Wrigley Field should implode.

Carl Everett says it is proven that 99% of baseball fans have no idea what they're > watching.

Carl Everett once head-butted an umpire.

Carl Everett was arrested in 2011 for assault with a deadly weapon and tampering with a witness.

Ok .. nevermind, I can make an exception for Crazy Carl. Fuck that guy.

And Urbina. That shit was fuckin wild. They both can fuck off.

PS. Y'all see Pete Carrol toss his Life Alert instead of the challenge flag??

KC vs. Raiders

Rams vs. 9ers

Huh. I guess the Rams still kinda suck? Or are the 9ers good?

                         --=={[REEKAPS]}==--

W - 125.52 (5-5) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

L - 115.62 (6-4) Matural Light

Fuck yeah, Trinidad's Swollen Testicles went old-school and slapped a god damn New England Patriots running back in the Superflex position. Fuckin dumpin' shit all over the place with 25+ points from the spot. God damn it didn't matter that Tyreek had 24 even, or even that Ezekiel had a crazy fuckin statline,

Because those Swollen Testicles had a Siemian performance for the ages.

Slap on a bunch more double digit scores, and Matural Light sees his neato record take another big fuckin hit.

W - 136.78 (5-5) Chubb and Tug

L - 115.22 (5-5) mzarecta

Welp. The league-leading win streak is done and gone. Chubbsy Tuggsy fuckin dominated with some big-time scoring from Dak and DeAngelo Darrel Williams. Even crazier is that this shit wasn't even the most optimal lineup for Chubbs.

mza. You lost. I see you got shit from Jonnu. I also am a man of culture, and started him in another league. I think it was a late scratch so I could take it easy on you, but you have a second kicker on your bench,,,

BOOOOOO THIS MAN

W - 97.52 (6-4) Flip Flops & Coronas

L - 76.40 (4-6) Seyton Manning

Welp. Matty Ice kinda fuckin sucked complete donkey dick this week. But on the bright side, his Jared Goff impersonation was immaculate.

Frankly, the only team a completely underwhelming and underperforming Flip Flops & Coronas could defeat would be a team ... that somefuckinghow actually underperformed more, and how fortunate, Seyton really had himself a terribad day!

At least you didn't actually put up a fight and saved your energy for week 11. I'm impressed at how calculated you were in shitting the bed like Kendall Roy.

W - 129.98 (3-7) SCHWAAAAAAAB

L - 87.68 (7-3) The Impossible Kid

Hah. Of course this is the team to unseat the league's big fish. And it could have been even worse if the SCHWAAAAAAABster slapped Dillon in because Harris was ruled out (I'm pretty sure, fairly early before the game - but I've been wrong before). But it didn't matter, cause The Impossible Kid just might be finally feeling the pain of losing some high god damn scoring players.

Oh wait, Rodgers is back..

Eh. Derrick Henry is always good for some monstrous amount of points. Sucks to have him missing still.

[JOE: Holy shit this was a particularly terrible recap. Sorry fellers.]

W - 120.04 (5-5) 91 Shrimp

L - 111.82 (4-6) The Scallywags

I kinda thought that The Scallywags would pull this shit out, but alas it was not to be. It was a heroic fuckin showing by Deebo Samuel and Jimmy GQ.

91 Shrimp was lucky he didn't have to kick himself for not starting Hunter Henry over Hockenson. Not that it would have been the smarter play before the game, but I operate with hindsight, which makes it much easier to judge everyone's moves.

Way to fuck it up, idiot.

W - 85.16 (7-3) I Am The Captain Now

L - 82.66 (3-7) Spider 2 Y U do this

God fucking damn this stupid fucking hobby.

I was so close to actually pulling off what could be considered the stupidest upset of the god damn fuckin century. But FUCK if this stupid shit didn't work for me. I can't believe I watched those final 6 minutes of the Monday Night Football game, just fucking slowly watched my lead dwindle literally point by point.

Then there was fucking hope because Stafford was getting completely manhandled by the 9ers defense. But it just wasn't enough because of that fucking asshole, Cooper Kupp and Eli Mitchell. Fucking hell, man. I was so close until fucking garbage time.

Fucking garbage time, who knew it would ever come back to bite me in the ass?? HOW?

And all because,,,

Fin.

Here we go! Almost at Thanksgiving week! I hope everyone's as excited as I am to get to eatin' some delicious home cookin' with friends and family? Despite the fact that we still have an uncomfortably long way to go with this whole global pandemic we have going on, it's nice to know we've made such huge strides on progressing through it.

Which reminds me, my 6 months just went up! Time to schedule my boostah! Fuck yeah. I hear Moderna is the free agent to pick up right now, although it'll put you on your ass. Fuck it, I just bought the new Metroid Dread game. Let's fuckin goooooo

Much love dudes, best of week this luck to everyone out there.