Happy turkey day everyone!

It was kind of a wild week at work so I ain't got shit in regards to recaps for week 11 games. But I can't let y'all walk away empty-handed, so here's my best attempt.

Ravens and Bengals or some shit

What a brutal loss for the NFL as a whole. Joe Burrow was an awesome story of a kid who literally played himself healthy.

Instead, the Culkin misses the rest of the fucking 2023 season.

Steeers @ Browns

Browns going with the Trent Dilfer/Ravens strategy with DTR. Good for them. Let's see where this goes.

Bears @ Lions

oh god i don't know

Charge @ Packers

Dramatic footage of Justin Herbert's career,

Raiders @ Dolphins

oh I dont fuckin care

Giants @ Commies

Oh hell yeah

oh my god there are so many more

christ, I still have to go through and proof-read this shit, and make sure that the writeups are actually kind of fucking funny

Canadian Football League

Congrats Canadia.

Oh wait, Browns again

Cards @ Tejans

Jets @ Bills

I ain't got shit except this thing. I think it's neato.

Hawks @ Rams

Oh my god. How many more of these are there.

I think that just means it's time for some delicious climax,

Vikes @ Broncos

God damn what the fuck is going on with Denver? It was so much fucking fun when that Broncos team sucked ass. So many hilarious fucking memes about Sean Payton coaching a team with the worst fucking defense in like, the history of the god damn league. Remember when Miami scored 70 fucking points on them?? What the fuck happened to that hilarious shit??

Now Denver is IN THE FUCKING PLAYOFF HUNT?? WHAT THE FUCK.

I hate this. It's fucking bullshit.

Eages @ Arrowhead

This might be my favorite ever tweet ever tweeted.

And of course the obligatory followup,

But as far as this game, what the fuck was that? Chiefs looked god damn near unstoppable. The defense was monstrous, shutting AJ Brown down and completely bottling up Hurts. But then it came down to the hands of a couple fucking KC receivers,

I think maybe there's simply too much oil used in KC BBQ or something. It's the only explanation. Just look at the fuckin fans, they can't secure any sort of catch either,

Yikes. OK. I think I kinda pulled it off.

Well. I think I was able to piece together maybe the weirdest week of NFL football recaps in recent memory. I may have not referenced every game, I may not have like ... any actual NFL highlights, and I may not have a third item here, but I'm satisfied with it.

Hope y'all are as well.

All right. Time to finish off this bad larry and proof-read it to make sure there are some funny parts in it.

Fantasy nightmares

W (7-4) Seyton Manning

L (9-2) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

Let's kick off upset week with a not-that-huge upset! Sure, it's always a big deal when the number one seed goes down, especially given their multi-game lead over the second seeded team in our league, but it's not like Eks Gone Lost to Me, Flip Flops & IRonas, ChatGPTain, or mzafk.

It was against the current second seeded team.

And not just any second seeded team, Seyton Manning is on fucking fire after starting the season off at 1-4. This fucker has the second most points scored, and ripped 6 straight wins to earn the inside track for the second bye.

W (7-4) Matural Light

L (4-7) The Scallywags

Matural Light keeps pace with Super Seyton with an absolutely dominating win against The Scallywags.

And I mean dominating like The Scallywags didn't even get a re-rack in a beirut game, dominating.

Dominating like winning a boat race without the opponent's caboose tasting any beer.

Yes. That dominant.

If anything, Seyton needs to watch the fuck out because Matural Light only has the third most points scored - trailing by just a mere standout performance by one player. Both teams could win, but the Matural wins biggerier he could easily leap frog the streaking Seyton.

L (4-7) I Am The Captain Now

W (6-5) The Impossible Kid

Ahh yes. The Impossible Kid pulls out the luckiest win of the week.

Luckier than Happy Gilmore sinking a putt blindfolded while dodging an alligator on the green.

Luckier than Tommy Callahan stumbling upon a sale of brake pads in a cow's ass.

But this is Fantasy, where it's always better be lucky than good.

The fucker scores the second least points for the week, but finds himself going against the team who scored the absolute least. And this lucky fucker finds himself sitting in that final playoff spot, riding the second highest active win-streak and winning five of his last seven matchups.

And he's pulling all of this shit off while Tractorcito has been extremely disappointing the last two weeks.

W (3-8) Flip Flops & Coronas

L (5-6) SCHWAAAAAAAAB

It's always super entertaining in a fuckin sick kind of way to pull up Flip Flops' matchup every week and see which of his players has joined the ranks of the injured and debilitated.

To get even more Sicko twist, sometimes that injury happens the fucking day after the column goes out. Surprising everyone! This NFL sure knows how to reveal devastating news to the public. Or maybe it's just to this particular group.

Well, in a cruel twist of hilarious fate: it wasn't Flip Flops & Coronas that experienced the heartbreak of a Fantasy League setback in week 11, it was SCHWAAAAAAAB who lost some close-contested ground in the playoff hunt this week.

And while it wouldn't have mattered, it looks like perhaps I should dedicate this particular matchup section to the memory of one Gabe Davis,

He was a man of contrasts. Perhaps his number one export was maize.

This concludes this intensive report.

W (7-4) 91 Shrimp

L (5-6) Inglebert Paratestes

Yikes. After starting the absolute wrong Steelers running back, somehow 91 Shrimp lives to fight another day. Holy fucking shit Najee Harris sucks asshole. I'd make a photoshop to demonstrate this, but ultimately I decided against it because it'd be more production than the player would have had in weeks (please disregard two of the previous three weeks for this comment to be truthful).

Jaylen Warren is the real god damn deal on a team who's Quarterback kinda fuckin sucks.

Speakin of fuckin suckin: yo AJ Brown. What's up with you? What the fuck is going on? You score at least 15 points for like 7 straight weeks and can't make it 8? What a god damn poser.

So. Inglebert. Rough fuckin week with some of your hottest god damn players on Bye. Just fucking brutal.

Really missed this asshole who was visiting his brothers (they're all brothers right? Was that racist?)

And then to top off the humiliation, the battle of the Jets offensive skill positions was won by Breece Hall by a fucking landslide with Mr. Joe-Should-Still-Have-Kept-His-Ass scoring negative fucking points. What an asshole

L (6-5) mzarecta

W (3-8) Neon Dion DeSantis

OH FUCK YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. I FUCKIN WON. I KEEP PACE WITH FLIP FLOPS. I'M DEFINITELY NOT IN LAST PLA-..

OK. Well, I have no fucking chance to fucking catch that point total, but maybe I can at least just keep building with the team I have. And it's a team fucking powered by Jersey Juice. Honestly, I never thought I had much of a chance to make a playoff run after the first week anyway.

I can't fucking believe this god damn Mza team has a playoff spot if the season ended today.

Well. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised. He's got some fuckin talented players, even if Patrick Mahomes has been kind of a bitch this season.

Anyway, let me be the first to cheers all of you this fine holiday season,

Fin.

And there we have it! Week 11 is done a mere ... 4 or so hours before Week 12 starts! I feel like I'm back in high school getting my math homework done just the period before, during CAD class. Ahh sweet, sweet nostalgia. After all, what are deadlines for if we aren't supposed to go butt-up against them?

Good luck in week 12 everyone, and most importantly: Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! Today the wife and I travel to her sister's place to celebrate. Tomorrow, I drag the wife to my parents (mostly willingly). I'm pretty fuckin pumped that I get a double-dose of fresh Turkey over the next two days - and with the Black Friday Game, it'll make Thanksgiving Pt. II even more authentic!

I'm extra hopeful that this column gives all you fuckers a little laugh, and possibly a reason to take an extra couple minutes in the bathroom when you eventually need to escape away for a break from the holiday maelstrom.

Just remember: the Holidays are just beginning. Tomorrow marks the official start of Christmas music entering society. Christmas Trees will start showing up on top of everyone's cars. And folks like myself will be excitedly putting off holiday shopping until December 20th.

Ahhh. I love this season.

Take care everyone. Please travel safe and binge responsibly. Love y'all.