Homeopathetic Immunizations

All righty, just a little reminder for everyone:

Hmm. Other than the overall stability of this god damn fuckin framework that's seemingly holding these columns together with fucking scotch-tape, I'd say I don't have too much else to bitch about this week.

I guess I could scrape the bottom of the barrel and complain about timezones or the London game. Then of course there's the whole matter about my loathing of The Admiral, David Robinson. Or hey, why not dive into how monsters leave their dog's poop without picking it up.

But that's not what's important right now -

What's important is a recent duo of images I discovered:

Right there is the motherfucker who invented fettuccine Alfredo and his son, serving it in the manner they prefer.

Yo. What the fuck.

So to set the table here, when I was quite the wee lad I did what so many young and curious children do: eat too fuckin much of something enjoyable to the point where the mere sight or smell would turn the dumbass kid away until the end of eternity.

I did that. With fettuccini Alfredo. And I blame that one moment of excess for my deep-rooted hatred of most-things cheese (and basically all creamy/cream-based sauces).

Back to the photographs, of fucking course anything that OG Alfredo Fucker came up with was going to be a god damn horrible idea. Look at how he thought serving pasta, that was all dolled-up with nasty fucking Alfredo sauce, would make the most sense: with bare hands.

How the fuck is that a thing?? Why???

Makes me sick and horny just thinking about it.

Spooktacular Showings

I dunno, I can try to put together some neato Halloween shit that was on Sunday

(It was cute that Mason Rudolph coordinated with a costume of himself)

Even Boswell got into the fun and dressed up as a Quarterback. Unfortunately, I feel like it didn't really work out for him

(man, fuck you NFL)

And of course, there's the mother. fucking. Urbanites.

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Yeah. Those were the only two I found worth sharing. Seems kinda sad, or my Googlefu fuckin sucks shit.

With the Holidays ramping up

It's really important what we celebrate towards this time of year.

And it's obviously blasting ropes to waluigi.

I Can't Believe I'm Following the Above with,

Rest in Peace to Jerry Remy. I truly love the fact that a significant majority of my Red Sox intake was narrated by that motherfucker. He was an awesome relic of the past that helped connect the older generation of Red Sox players and fans to the present day. I only ever knew of Jerry Remy the Red Sox color analyst. My dad, he knew him as the second baseman.

Anyway, I miss listening to his calls alongside Orsillo and then Dave O'Brien (with Eck in there, of course).

And I also wanted to wish another solumn farewell to Bob Neumeier. Used to listen to Neumy on WEEI all the fuckin time in the early 00s. God damn what a blessed time for Boston Sports Talk Radio. Sure, there were the salty assholes, but you could feel it all turning. And the absolute joy in everyone's voices despite being complete sad sacks of shit was really a great time to listen.

Barves

Personally speaking .. as a fan .. who wasn't there, and while it was a measly ALCS, I tend to agree.

Not sure who around here is a big Braves fan, but I feel like quite a few folks tend to have some feelings about the Braves from either being a fan of a rival NL East team or the TBS/TNT effect. I grew up with the ability to watch any/all Braves games that were on TBS/TNT as well as the ability to watch every Bulls game on WGN.

I personally didn't really partake in viewing Braves games unless Smoltz/Maddux/Glavine were involved. I didn't turn into a Braves fan, if anything I probably lean Mets (fuck you, '86), but they're still a cool, historically relevant franchise. And one who I assumed would be able to defeat the Yankees if they ever met.

My point? I dunno. Congratulations Atlanta. You have a winning franchise.

Sure, the MLS team won a couple years ago and a few thousand did attend the parade, but come on. It's all about the big four. So fuck yeah, Barves.

Ze games

Packers vs. Cardinals

The benefit of this being a time-consuming hobby is that sometimes I drag ass when it comes to posting these things. For example, this should have been sent out yesterday when things from week eight might actually still be fresh in the head. Thursday? Week eight is fucking stale (fucking deal with it).

And because of that, I get to god damn make fun of this Kaaron Rodgers dipshit.

(PFT is GOAT)

49ers [go] Brrrs

Jimmy GQ wins his homecoming! Go, him!

I also can't tell you how happy I am that Justin Fields didn't just come out of his shell, he gave us at least one completely fucking awesome highlight,

Kinda wish I had a couple more pixels to spare for this highlight.

Anyway, as someone who somehow has accumulated Bears fans as acquaintances over the years, I'm getting bored of the completely soulless, dead look in their eyes from season to season. And with the defense starting to wane (if not full-on blast), I would love for Chitown to get a little joy and fire the fuck outta Nagy.

Rams vs. Texans

38-22. And it wasn't as close as it looks.

I don't know if I caught anything outside of internet highlights.

Which I have none of.

Sucks for anyone who took the Rams with the spread. Texans scored 22 points in the 4th to completely fuck that up for everyone. Way to go Houston: you're too pathetic for your own fans, and then you go ahead and completely piss off people that depended on you to suck.

PS. Those fuckers got Von???

Tiddles vs. Lolts

There are times when I imagine myself in an NFL game. How fucking sad and pathetic would I come across? How often would I discover that someone had shit my pants? Would I even be able to complete a pass?

Well. I think Wentz helped me out by providing a dramatic enactment of how it would go:

Holy shit. Wentz is just such .. I can't even describe it in any other way than,

The Wentz giveth, the Wentz giveth away.

Sucks that Derrick "That guy" Henry broke his 5th metatarsal:

Panthers vs. Falcons super happy fun time between best friends

Whatever he or his family is going through, I hope they get all the peace or attention they need.

Back to the NFC South Division face-off between best buds,

Despite being united by Atlanta Braves regional fandom, these fuckers hate each other. And that division as a whole has such a weird god damn level of parity where only until recently did they finally have a franchise win a second straight division crown.

..

But yeah, I ain't got shit on this one. Darnold's back? I guess?

Bengals vs New York Jets

Christmas came early! What a gift for the Jets!

What a god damn play by the QB,

It's really quite the coming out party for Mike White. I'll let an actual, real-life Jets fan provide a rational opinion of the win:

Good ol' Vinny went 36/69 (nice) for 481 yards. 2 TDs, 3 picks. Sure, the Jets lost 20-34 against Baldimore - but still.

Anyway, could you imagine .. the Patriots injuring a Jets quarterback, ushering in a new era in Jets Quarterbacking with Mike White.

So yeah, Jets earned it,

Eagles vs. Lions

Didn't really follow this game whatsoever. Didn't seem to show up on Red Zone during the moments I could steal to catch up.

So I hopped on my phone and scoped out some scores and ...

What the holy fuck, Lions.

Detroit Lions fandom is truly a sight to behold. It's an ideology based on nothing but shallow optimism. How else do they survive season to season? I'm sure a lot of us thought that Dantera was going to be a fuckin rockin' head coach. A dude who can lead a lockerroom and has obvious passion should easily be able to get the players to buy in and provide the performances he needs to win.

Welp. It turns out maybe this dude just fuckin sucks? I hate that because I really found him a fun dude to root for, but god damn.

0-8.
Their ex franchise-qb is living their best life.
And will help his new receiver beat Megatron's record.
While the Lions are a pathetic 0-8.

Goff. I never really had anything against you, but you're just not that guy, pal.

Steeeeers vs. Inevitability

As we start looking forward to week 9, I have nothing to offer but free money in the form of: BET AGAINST THE BROWNS IN ANY GAME THAT'S CALLED BY TONY ROMO

2018: L to Ravens
2019: L to Titans, Patriots, Ravens
2020: L to Steelers, Chiefs
2021: L to Chiefs, Steelers
Soon to be 0-9 since we have him again next week vs Bengals
Source

C'mon Browns. What the fuck.

Dolphins vs. Bill's

Chargers vs. Greatriots

Oh FUCK YEAH that was a great win.

Scored in the clutch. Got takeaways in the clutch. Didn't make stupid fucking late-game mistakes. Patriots are fuckin' rockin'.

Best part was that after Red Zone was essentially Patriots/Chargers and Buccs/Saints - a god damn New England Masshole Sports fan's dream. They didn't show shit from the other games .. and for good reason.

Already can't wait for the next fuckin' game.

Jagoffs vs. Seapigeons

Literally saw nothing of this game after the 1st quarter. Nothing. Even saw Broncos fuckin highlights before this horror show between the Jaggoffs n Geno.

SO.

Buccs/Bucs vs. Saints

HOOO SHIT BRADY.

I gotta admit. This was the moment I have to admit that I root for Brady 99.99599% of the time. The fact that the Buccs lost and the Patriots won .. actually feels pretty damn good right now.

But yeah, I figured the Patri Buccs were going to win via game-winning Tom Brady drive. That pick-6 was fucking sudden as shit.

Danny Snyder's Dipshits vs. Broncos

This shit did nothing but litter my pristine Brady/Patriots Red Zone high. It was almost so pure .. but then .. this.

Almsot forgot dem 'Boys vs. Vikes

Daks out [for Harambe], and again I need to re-state: I fuckin forgot this game even happened. So I hope none of you had high hopes for funny jokes or anecdotes other than some apparent dipshit move by Zimmer when he called two straight timeouts .. which is a fuckin penalty.

Recapses

L - 101.30 (6-2) The Impossible Kid

W - 123.52 (4-4) The Scallywags

OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN. DOWN GOES THE MOTHER FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE KID.

I wanted you to be rewarded for having the testicular fortitude to keep Landry on your bench. I would have been too tempted to not start him (although I didn't start TY Hilton and he got ~10 points for his return).

And with Kaaron Rodgers coming down with COVID after Adams has COVID ... is the fucking whole Green Bay Packer team going to just get completely decimated for next Sunday's game?

The Scallywags, a second congratulations for locking up the future of the New York Jets, in a Mike White. I'm sure you'll be able to ride that unstoppable train to the playoffs!

PS. oh my, Derrick Henry gone

L - 100.44 (4-4) Chubb and Tug

W - 142.38 (5-3) Matural Light

I'm quite curious how as a Patriots fan, it was like to root for your fantasy players, Chubbsy. Especially since Mac Jones didn't really have himself a great game, and Ekeler was shitting all over that Patriots defense, thank fucking God he was injured so San Diego couldn't give him a normal load of snaps.

Indeed it's quite telling how Matural Light had a pedestrian effort from Sherbert and still fucked around and hit 140+. What the ever-loving fuck, dude? Chill the shit out.

You didn't even get 10 out of Elliott either. Fuck. What a god damn juggernaut.

W - 130.20 (6-2) I Am The Captain Now

L - 100.34 (3-5) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

Oh shit - I Am The Captain Now saw his fuckin opportunity and god damn took it to tie The Impossible Kid at 6-2. What a god damn G.

Pretty fuckin' rad that the new Mahomes/Tyreek winning combo is actually Kupp n Stat Padford.

Uhmmm. I got nothing.

Much like Travis Kelce when attempting to find some ability from within.

Fuckin' scrub. For a week.

L - 108.40 (4-4) Flip Flops & Coronas

W - 125.02 (4-4) mzarecta

I think mza has himself a nice little win streak. Congrats you handsome devil.

Flip Flops just had an off week. Nothing much else to say. However, as far as noticing goes, I noticed that AJ Green has COVID. Didn't the Cardinals just play the Packers? Why yes, according to the teeny tiny boxscore that I'm staring at with each individual player, they did play against each other.

Is Aaron Rodgers a superspreader? Did he just decimate both his team and the Cardinals?

W - 129.12 (4-4) 91 Shrimp

L - 113.70 (3-5) Seyton Manning

I have no fucking clue what's going on anymore when I look at team benches. Like .. I always want to sneak a peek at whether someone left a clutch player on their bench, or if some ballsy start was done, or if someone just didn't remember to start a player they picked up on waivers ..

But fuck man, with all god damn letters we have nowadays (it used to be IR, Q, D, O), along with the varying types of IR, to the god damn number of IR spots ..

All of this complicated by certain franchises within this league who try to get away week to week without a fucking kicker, make trying to immediately compare rosters and benches infinitely more difficult than just like 2 years ago.

So yeah, this some shit man. This some shit.

W - 112.06 (3-5) Spider 2 Y U do this

L - 106.56 (2-6) SCHWAAAAAAAB

This shit was fucking close the entire way through,

Way closer than it should have been for a matchup where I was granted a one roster-spot advantage..

So far this season I'm fucking 0-1 given that opportunity so I knew I was going to have to fucking sweat this bullshit out.

It all started with SCHWAAAAAAAB inexplicably not benching Ridley. I want to say the news came early enough that people could have substituted them out. But them on top of that I can't believe Gronk stays in as the tentative starting TE. I'd definitely want to take an active role in him being on the roster.

All that fuckin said, I won because of Daniel fucking Jones. What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with me? I started Jared Fucking Goff.

Yeah but whatever. Fuck that.

I fuckin won.

I guess I should start Justin Fields next week.

Fin.

And there we are. Done with this quasi-Halloween column that I'm sending out November 4th. I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.

Anyway, hope y'all had a wonderful Halloween and All Saints Day. That everyone is healthy, safe, smiling and secure. And please, don't drink and drive. I mean, I'm talking to what, at most 11 other people? And I frankly feel like we're mostly too old to fuck with that shit no more. Hands up I've made mistakes in the past so I'm grateful to be here today.

But I just want us all to be perpetually here tomorrow.

Whoa. Heavy.

So like, take care everyone and I'll hopefully see some of you soon? It is the holiday season after all!

DOUBLE EPISODE