I played a little hookie from work and went apple picking last Friday. And let me tell you: I know a thing or two about apples and apple picking. Shit, I'd consider the region I grew up in as the land of Apple Orchards.

With the the birthplace of Johny Appleseed just a hop, skip, and a couple exits down route 2 away, several surrounding towns have been blessed with some of the tastiest tradition of titillating apples.

Growing up, it seemed like whenever Field Trip season came to be at school, the primary go-to was a god damn Apple Orchard. Want to go on a cheap date? Take that bitch to an Apple Orchard. You happen to be fuckin higher than pterodactyl pussy and want to enjoy the outdoors and munch on delicious food? Let's roll one more and hit up an Apple Orchard.

So yeah, I don't want to toot my own horn too much but,,,

Toot toot.

New age orchards

So let me get back to the original story: Rachel and I took our talents to Tougas Apple Orchards, and the place was really fuckin quaint. It was like some kind of mini Orchard Disney world with animals, a fuckin pretty picnic area, extra buildings you could buy food and kitschy shit in, even what looked like 8 fuckin tractors for hay-rides.

Definitely one of the better setups for celebrating the best of the four seasons.

I'll get to those shits later (maybe), because I need to say that these new-fangled god damn orchards are fucking weird.

I'm used to the classics. Like Carlson's orchards. Like Doe orchards. Like Honeypot Orchards.

You know the ones I'm talking about, the ones where you can walk all around actual fucking apple trees:

These god damn modern aberrations are more akin to fuckin apple hedges or some shit.

It's like they plant rows and rows of apple poles, connect them together with several wires to keep them in line, and then trim any fuckin excess branches.

Sure, the apples this technique produces are fuckin delicious, and I'm sure it's insanely simpler to maintain this formation of apple tree but god damn it's without soul. The magic and mystery of getting lost between apple trees is completely lost. Keeping track of kids is so much easier because these shits just create walls of apples, no more criss-crossing between everything. Trying to sneak in some booze or a couple hits is so much fuckin harder because there's no where to hide.

That said, I have to repeat: the apples were fucking juicy, crisp, and tasty as fuck.

But yeah, fuck change.

Shout out to Bolton

One of the most important parts of apple picking is at the end, after you put your huge 40 lb sack of apples in the car and check yourself to ensure that you didn't separate your shoulder too badly: the apple cider donuts.

I don't really know when these fuckers came to be because I don't remember them from my childhood whatsoever, but they are so fucking good - and you gotta make sure you get the cinnamon sugar or whatever the fuck it's called. I feel like I've never met one that I didn't like, and the very best ones are made so fresh they're still fucking warm. Like, I don't even think there's such thing as a legitimate grading system for apple cider donuts. There's really just two categories:

• Having apple cider donuts
• Not having apple cider donuts

But that aside, apparently boston.com called out Bolton Spring Farms!

Don't believe me? Well fuck you, read this.

Yeah sure, they're really fucking good. But so are the donuts from a handful of other places we've gotten them fresh (shout out to Shelbourne orchards - your apple picking sucked donkey dick, but the donuts were divine).

That said, the place is a local stop just a little bit from our house so I guess I'll show some pride and FIGHT ANY MOTHERFUCKER THAT QUESTIONS THEIR DELECTABILITY (if you visit, bring cash cause they are perhaps the only cash-only place left in the region).

Ultimate Apple Power Rankings

I'll put this stupid fuckin preamble to a rest with a quickie power ranking because the wife and myself have strong opinions about apples and have yet to be ever proven wrong.

1. Jonagold

The reigning GOAT for me personally. Sure, the wife wasn't as fond of them as I was but it's my column and god damn it, I'm putting it number one (sorry babe, please forgive me). Easily the juiciest, crispiest, sweetest bite I took while picking. It was so fucking good I wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. Like seriously, I was unbelievably obnoxious.

2. Honeycrisp

A mutual love by the wife and myself. We picked so fucking many of these at the orchard because they're both delicious and pretty easy to bake with. Actually, this was made:

3. Granny Smith

I fuckin hate these things, but the wife loves them. I'm just not a fan of tart - but if I were, these bitches would be highly rated by me as well.

4. Macintosh

They're perfectly adequate.

5. Pink Lady

I get this shit in stores all the time. It's such a weird shape because it's dimpled like a golf ball, but god damn if it isn't juicy and sweet.

[like, 40 different strains]

n-1. Pinova

People wouldn't shut the fuck up about the tropical flavor or whatever about this one, but we couldn't locate that taste anywhere. Nice and crisp, but we couldn't find any worth writing home for. Although I did bring a couple home because, why not?

n. Macoun

The fuckin budweiser of apples. I thought I really liked these, but no. They just aren't good.

n+1. Fuji

Why is it that everywhere that sells apples has this bullshit? What is up with the word "Fuji" that people love throwing on shit to fool people into thinking it's high quality. Fuji water is from like, a Pensacola or Scarborough or some shit. Fuji apples are lamer than macouns.

NFL GAMERY

Brocos @ Chefs

What the fuck was this. I was promised pulverized Bronco ribs slathered in KC bbq sauce.

Instead it was just this disgusting bullshit,

Thank God Sean Payton was so abrasive, it actually distracts people from shitting on Belichick too much

Ravens @ Tittans @ England

Fuck that. I chose to rake fucking leaves outside.

Commies @ Flailcons

Anyone remember when I actually provided commentary on these games instead of just straight up stolen memery?

No? Yeah, neither do I.

Vikes @ Brrs

And yes, it is real:

Bitch Pigeons @ Bungles

49IRs @ BOROWNS

CONGRATS - THIS IS THE MEME GAME OF THE WEEK

heh.

Carolina Pulled Pork @ The fish

Instead of some silly sports memes, I share a word from my God, our sponsors:

On second thought, let's scope out the horrific violence wrought on by Hekker,

Clots @ Jaggin off

NOOOOOOO @ Tejans

CJ Stroud finally tossed an interception. Neato.

Boo England @ Rrrrrrrrrraidrs

STL Cards @ LARs

I'd rather watch,

Iggles @ Jest

Now that was a loss that,

This is for all the fans who (tried to) watch the end of the 49ers game before Fox fucked up a nation of NFL fans,

Lions @ Buccos

Gints @ Bill's

daLLas @ LAClippers

Just your average Chargers fan,

Let's a gooooo!!

L (5-1) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

W (3-3) The Impossible Kid

DOWN GOES EK.

DOWN GOES EK.

After surging to a lead Thursday, then ever so gently holding a lead after the early games, Eks Gone Give it to Ya gave The Impossible Kid the win!

Much like the Goliaths of the Gridiron, Ek Gone too was allergic to winning in week 6.

Congratulations, The Impossible Kid. You've saved your season with a fucking clutch-assed win - and after going over some of the numbers/stats provided by Yahoo,

I've realized that the matchup recap is broken as fuck. Zay Flowers is the only fucking player on Ek's team, and he was outscored by Tractorcito ... so what the fuck. I am not going to rewrite my intro sentence to state the actual truth that The Impossible Kid actually had the lead coming out of Thursday.

Actually, where the fuck does 39 points even come from??

So. I wrote these at like 645am (Tuesday) in the morning and it wasn't until roughly 920pm (I just fuckin had to watch the end of Big Brother) where I finally sat back down to go over everything and I realized:

Titans/Ravens was the London game and not the fuckin Thursday Night game. Holy fuckin shit.

I'm so glad I figured that out before you fuckin smart-asses get on the emails and point out my dumbass mistake.

Although I'm bummed because Yahoo being broken had the potential for good content.

Whatever. Numbers are hard. Dates are even harder.

W (2-4) Seyton Manning

L (2-4) The Scallywags

In a battle of Have-Nots, it looks like Seyton Manning is the King of Shit Mountain.

And it wasn't even close.

If I had to blame anything, it'd have to be:

• Mac Jones ain't that guy, and sadly you'd have a better chance of winning starting Zach "The Milfhunter" Wilson, which like, what the fuck
• Injuries fucked your shit up with Deebo going down
• A higher power
• And CMC having a very mortal showing

Also, holy shit Kareem Hunt got 14.60 points?? What the fuck, I thought the dude wasn't even in the league anymore.

Both positions that were entrusted to Patriots players absolutely sucked shit, shocking no one. What a stupid team. Starting the positionless Taysom Hill at TE is a better option at this point (jesus christ how far we've fallen).

W (5-1) Matural Light

L (4-2) mzarecta

Again, a completely fucking broken functional and accurate Matchup Timeline gave mza the early/middle/late advantage before Matural Light springboarded away Sunday/Monday Night.

Matural Light Mza was the only player with a Thursday Night participant(s), and god damn did that those participant(s) kick some ass. And footballs! Welcome back, Justin Tucker! (but for real, welcome back you Mother Tucker)

mza put up a decent fight, but needed to make up a lot of fuckin points on Sunday, and since Patrick Mahomes is a garbage fantasy QB now (god damn KC games are boring to watch), there needed to be action from JTTouchdowns, Lockett, Jacobs .. ANYONE

Because come monday night, Keenan Allen would only be able to do so much to handcuff Justin Herbert. While he did a decent job (Herbert got 20+ while Allen got 18-even), Pollard and the Dallas defense just went ahead and laid the smackdown to extend the lead on mza.

With the win, The Matural has leap-frogged Ek into 1st place. Damn. Tough weekend for undefeateds.

L (3-3) I Am The Captain Now

W (3-3) SCHWAAAAAAAB

What a perfectly balanced result.

Not a very balanced matchup, but the end is nice.

Now to go over the some in-depth analysis:

• Mostert is an RB god
• Death. Taxes. Kenneth Walker gets 10+
• ..the Jets get 11 on the Eagles??
• Jared Allen is mediocre!?!?
• NACUA IS DONE??

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

As for I Am The Captain Now, I'm still in awe in how he's done this season. Taking two laughable rookie/young QBs in Stroud and Ridder and making them work. Now with Kupp back and paired with the Ageless Thielen and young Nico, has a legit 3-way receiver threat.

Plus he must know that it fuckin grinds the shit out of my gears that he has Allgeier who only feasts when my #1 does poorly. I'm fucking terrified that Bijan Mustard will twist an ankle and the Captain will reap the rewards. WELL NO. YOU WILL NOT.

PS. What a double fuckin whammy with Sanders/Herbert going out - and Herbert (of the Khalil variety) on the IR. Dude was killin it

W (4-2) Inglebert Paratestes

L (1-5) Flip Flops & Coronas

Yeah yeah yeah, 140+ points is pretty amazing, good for you Inglebert. Blah blah blah, Goff went off

And shit, 83+ ain't so hot for Flip Flops, especially since it looks like he's lost yet another stud player in Richardson for the year, and then Watson maybe not for the year but for the near future (because he's a fucking BITCH). Good fuckin' God, Flip Flops can not catch a break unless it happens to be the ankle of his starting QB (that's three so far).

What I'm more in awe about are the fuckin benches of these two teams.

I'm in leagues with smaller starting rosters than what all these bench and IR spots make up.

I can't stop staring at it - it's like a New Year's Eve party that got a little too wild mixed with a highway accident you can't turn away from.

W (1-5) Neon Dion DeSantis

L (3-3) 91 Shrimp

MY FIRST WIN! SPARK IT UP, FUCKERS!

I have no fucking clue how I pulled this shit off, but I have my double-barreled RB attack of Etienne Jr and Bijan Mustard to thank. I really thought that I was going to completely botch this and leave my win on the bench in that Kendrick Bitch-made Bourne.

BUT NO.

Sure, I may have lost my last starting QB in the process (PLEASE GOD LAWRENCE DON'T BE INJURED, I DON'T WANT TO RELY ON DANIEL JONES WHO PROBABLY WON'T EVEN START ANYWAY), but who cares!

Fuck you DJ Moore!
Fuck you Jerry Jeudy (STAY AWAY FROM THE PATS)!
A heavy fuck you to Breece Hall for giving me a scare.

You're all right, Carr. It's better if the Pats just lose out.

WATCH OUT LEAGUE, HERE I COME.

Spoiler: Joe will not survive the following week.

Fin.

See you later, week 6! Bring on [Street Fightin' Man] WEEEEEK SEVUUUUUHHNNNN!!

With that, we are fuckin firmly in October and this Autumnal season and while that may not mean fuckall for people living in certain regions of this giant landblob of a country, we all at least are here and happily enjoying the greatest season of them all: The NFL Season.

The good and bad are separating like oil and water, with the god awful teams are curdling like the Baileys Irish Cream in a carbomb.

I hope everyone's enjoying their fantastical football season and somehow making it to the end of these fucking columns from time to time.

Take care everyone, stay safe, and PLAN YOUR HALLOWEEN SHIT NOW. DON'T BE LIKE ME AND WAIT UNTIL AMAZON CAN'T SAVE YOU WITH 2-DAY DELIVERY.