Yeah so. This week's gonna be a little lean.

While I don't have any league-wide memery to share, I do have specific targets of my ire:

Deshaun vs. Burrow

It was great watching how happy Joe was for Jake Browning, and I think that type of sideline help gave Jake the confidence he needed to completely fucking kick god damn ass in the game.

Now.. where have I seen this before? And how can I connect this back to my favorite team?

Hmmmm...

NFL Quarterbacks vs. Injury

Like most NFL fans, I echo that empty gesture of "I don't root for injuries" but I'm different because I'm me, and I totally mean it. And yes, I don't even root for Deshaun to get injured - but that's because I want him to have to play and get his fucking face smashed in by as many blind-side tackles as possible.

As far as players I actually enjoy, I'd have to say that Joe Burrow going out for the season is easily the most bummed I had gotten for an IR'd player. Kirk Cousins is also up there because of how hard he balls out, and similar to the Bengals, those franchises just can't fucking catch a break unless it's their own franchise QB's leg or something.

Now, what the fuck is my point? Well it would be that another Factory of Sadness Franchise has potentially entered the fray:

I'm sorry, Jags fans. I guess ol' faithful rings true: God Hates Jags.

Truly tragic shit. I really hope that long-haired hippy motherfucker gets back on the field. Jacksonville had themselves maybe half of one game in control of their AFC Seeding Destiny, only to end up on the losing end of a battle with Jake fucking Browning. Jesus Christ.

Lmao Eagles

Now. I don't personally have any sort of direct hatred of the Eagles. I thoroughly enjoy rooting for them because I feel a kinship with Philly as a fellow salty Northeast city asshole. While John Wick can kill someone with a pencil, Philly fans can commit mass murder with a 9Volt battery. Hell, at least one of their fans literally ate shit when the Eagles won a championship.

Sure, that championship came at the expense of the Patriots in one of the most exciting Super Bowls ever played (after XLIX, XXXVI, XXXVIII, and LI of course), with iconic plays and players like the Philly Special, BDN, and Brandon Graham's strip sack, it should lead to me being super duper spiteful.

But it doesn't. Not historically speaking. There are plenty of other franchises that I hate so much more.

Howevah. The confidence and swagger of this team and their fans is so fucking easy to hate and abhor. It's on a level close to those Ray Lewis Ravens teams. I'm sure that's what most of you peasants who hated the Greatriots at their peak probably felt as well.

So when the team gets it's face kicked in like Philly did against San Francisco, even a blowout is super fucking entertaining to watch,

So yeah. I'd be doing everyone a disservice if I didn't address how fucking funny that shit was,

OK OK OK. I'm done.

Oh no wait, one more,

Hehe.

Fantastical Nightmares

HEY YO YOU FUCCBOIS, LET'S GET FAHKEN PUMPED UP FOR THEM SHITS. YOU FINALLY GET OVER YOUR HEARTBREAKING LOSS IN WEEK 13? WELL LET ME BRING IT ALL BACK UP TO SHIT ALL OVAH YOUS.

DON'T WORRY. THE SEASON'S ALMOST OVER, AND SOON THE FUN WILL MOTHAH FAHKEN BEGIN - AND BY FUN I MEAN FEWER FUCKING MATCHUPS TO RECAP. CAN'T FUKKEN WAIT HO-LEE SHIT.

L - (6-7) mzarecta

W - (7-6) SCHWAAAAAAAB

Welp. The hands-off strategy of running his fantasy team that so many parents did before the advent of texting and phone data just ain't working all that well. I'm not saying that mza should tag each of his players with real-time GPS location devices or use a physical tether whenever he goes out, but perhaps checking to make sure they're actually in their bed at night would help ensure that you don't completely lose track of certain positions.

Jonathan Taylor Touchdown has gone absolutely AWOL like he's Jaycee Dugard, with Dallas "Elizabeth Smart" Goedert hasn't eaten at home for days. It might be worth figuring out those roster spots, otherwise a team that was shocking in the playoffs may get lost trying to find the postseason.

SCHWAAAAAAAAB did what he was supposed to do, and absolutely fucking shitstomped by outscoring mza by 3x the fucking points. Sure, Cooper and Perine played like complete dirt (but not that useful dirt, that's full of nutrients and shit - more like dirt that's filled with styrofoam and forever chemicals), but that doesn't fuckin matter when you get a trio of 20+ pointers and 30+ from a Purdy god damn good MVP candidate.

L - (7-6) Matural Light

W - (7-6) The Impossible Kid

What a win by The Impossible Kid. Sure, he was aided by Matural Light making some very questionable roster decisions coupled with Herbert being absolutely fucking betrayed by his teammates, but you still gotta put players in positions to score points.

..although I guess The Impossible Kid literally had no other choice than to start the players he did, but I won't try to shit in his bowl of celebration chili. Good win.

I guess what I'm trying to say was that this was this game came 100% down to McLaurin making a very powerful enemy in Matural Light. What a fucking useless 0.0 goose-egg performance. Fucking ouch.

W - (4-9) Flip Flops & Coronas

L - (4-9) I Am The Captain Now

After that fairly hilarious draft, being 4-9 right now isn't all that bad. Plus it's only been once or twice where the I Am The ChatGPTain Now roster had Bye-week starters. His couple of Baby Texans are going to carry his ass for the next couple of years, and at times did so this season. Unfortunately, just like Old Man Thielen, success is a tough thing to maintain for an extended period of time.

The on the other side of the coin, you have the walking dead in Flip Flops & IRonas. Any week where your players don't land on the injured reserve for extended time could be considered a win - and if we counted them, Flip Flops would maybe have like, two more wins at most.

In conclusion, this was quite a late-season battle for the King of Shit Mountain.

L - (6-7) Inglebert Paratestes

W - (6-7) The Scallywags

Despite being desperate for a win, Inglebert Paratestes came up short. By a fuckin lot, to The Scallywags who went absolutely fucking points crazy and scoring a league-high for week 13.

And speaking of fucking crazy, I can't believe I'm seeing Joe Flacco on a fucking roster in 2023 - and he wasn't even that bad. Definitely better than the complete corpses I've been throwing into my starting lineups.

Despite Alvin Kamara taking the advice to "break a leg" literally and completely fucking obliterating that poor chain gang official's chance at walking again, a couple of Inglebert 20+ point scorers were no match for god damn Deebo's 33+ point showing and the rest of The Scallywags' roster feasting while thinking of RBs.

W - (9-4) 91 Shrimp

L - (9-4) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

The late season slide continues unabated as Eks Gone Give it (with it being another win) to Ya. Good lord, he is just backing his ass up into the playoffs in brutal fashion. Ekeler is playing like complete dog shit. Noah Brown has done nothing but destroy any sort of trust CJ Stroud may have had in him. Josh Downs .. is a receiver?

I can't even shit on him not hitting 100 because the motherfucker didn't even top 90. Gotta get your shit together, dude. At this rate, you'll need that first round by to guarantee making it at least to round 2 of the playoffs.

On the other hand, 91 Shrimp demonstrated some King Shit by providing a fairly "balanced" attack: Hitting 122+ points despite a roster where .. I dunno, I don't really understand how he got that high at all. Just looking at the roster production, it doesn't seem like it could possibly have added up to even 100 - but the numbers don't lie. Somehow, that fistful of singles and fives add up to a delicious sushi meal.

Math is wild.

W - (9-4) Seyton Manning

L - (4-9) Neon Dion DeSantis

Welp.

Shit started off pretty fuckin good. I was feeling great with Donkey Kong Metcalf grabbin me 34+ points on Thursday. Sure, I wasn't that confident given this motherfucking Seyton Manning chap had 31+ from Dak and 16+ from Chardonnay. Like,, those were well above their projected totals - and it's not like the rest of my roster is god damn elite.

But I had a great start to hopefully upend this god damn cocky motherfucker. Shit man, I had him scared enough that he started a kicker.

Unfortunately, once Sunday started everything went completely fucking haywire. This god damn motherfucking psycho had a goose-egg performance from the recently IR'd Tank Dell and still topped 150+ points!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT?

And what the fuck do I have?

Josh Reynolds couldn't hit TWO POINTS. TWO. Shit, I mean, he's no Logan Thomas - BUT WHY DID LOGAN STOP AT TWO??

And then my supposedly-studly D'Andre Swift couldn't god damn rush his way out of a wet paper bag against the fucking 49ers. He ended up getting absolutely fucking smoked.

AND THEN EVEN MY HEAVIEST OF HITTERS IN LAWRENCE, RIDLEY, AND ETN JR. COUDN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING FOR ME. FUCKING TREVOR LAWRENCE MAY NEVER WALK AGAIN. RIDLEY GOT THE STUPIDEST FUCKING 5.3 POINTS EVER. Etienne Jr. was OK. AND FUCKING HELL, DON'T YOU THINK I FORGOT ABOUT FUCKING BIJAN ROBINSON. FUCK. LESS THAN 10 POINTS? FUCKING SCRUB ASSED BITCH.

Fuck outta here, Seyton Manning. I'm not even going to go into your stupid fucking awesome roster. You know what you fucking did. That's satisfaction enough. Enjoy first fucking place god damn it.

Fin.

Welp. That's week 13 in the books! December is fuckin here and hope y'all are pumped for more holiday shenanigans!

I'll keep this short and sweet because frankly, I'm pretty fuckin sick and just want to get back to bed to play Metroid Dread and eat some soup.

Take care this week, stay healthy, don't forget to get whatever god damn presents you need to, and see you all next week! Love you guys - take care!