In memory of Gobbles

Texans rustle some Bluecows

ok google, show me an image that describes the Buffalo Bills' Super Bowl window,

Chi-town Steamers Steelers

Steelers waking up on Monday checking the standings,

Chi-town? You're one fuckin win away from the #1 seed in the NFC. Hope to see the Greatriots and Bears in the first ever Fraud Bowl in February!

Stalingrad Patriots

Sure, it's great to escape with a win against a team who frankly, I thought was going to beat the Pats, but god damn, did it have to cost the team most of its offensive line?

It's a double-edged sword for sure, with every one of these skin-of-the-teeth wins, I keep rising to absurd and unsustainable levels of pure confidence that the Patriots won't ever lose again. If this was during either of the Brady/Belichick runs of the early '00s or mid-late '10s then sure, those teams were fucking loaded .. but this shit? As great as Vrabel has been, he's not Belichick. This team is not as talented as that '03 or '04 squads.

I'm obviously rooting to end the year with a win and another Lombardi, but I still can't shake the thought that this team could easily lose next Monday Night against the Giants.

Hopefully, I'm fucking wrong - I know I have been before .. like, several times. This week!

He rapes, but he tosses touchdowns

Jameis is a helluva entertainer player. He's funny, charismatic, and only has two civil settlements for sexual assault accusations.

So yeah, Jameis throws and catches touchdowns!

..but he does rape..

Another failure of McCarthyism

JJ fuckin sucks, holy shit - no, not that JJ, I mean Number Nine.

Seahawks vs. Who??

6-point win over a 1-9 team.

Colts confirmed frauds

I don't care if the Chiefs won, I'm absolutely freebasing that the Colts were shown to be fuckin frauds.

I'm absolutely sure there's no possible way we might get fucked over by the Chiefs slowly sneaking their asses back into the postseason hunt.

Ravens are so back

I uhh, don't have shit to post about this one, so I'm going to just share a very intriguing dating strategy I've learned from the World Champion of Divorced Dads,

Like, what the fuck is with this dude? He's like, 3-4 felonies away from being the Redneck Antonio Brown.

I don't understand at all why he's even posting shit like this,

How does anyone even lose to the Raiders

Trevor LawrINTs

Now. I realize the Trevor Lawrence - I mean, LawrINTs - may be one of those aggressive interception throwers in the league right now. Sure, he was supposed to be a generational talent unseen since the likes of Peyton Manning and John Elway, but sadly hasn't been able to fill those shoes due to a complete lack of postseason failure at this point in his career.

But as disappointing as he has been this season, I actually am in awe with what he's been able to accomplish. I frankly can not believe he has been competing at such a high level this season given his medical condition:

He looks so happy, and I frankly wish him and his growing family nothing but cheer and joy in their future.

Lolggles

Oof. Everything looked so great for the Eagles, until it wasn't,,,

Saquads performed so poorly, any fantasy owners should be worried that he'll be benched in favor of his backup who had more yards than he did last Sunday,

But most of all I don't know if I know of any division in the NFL that has the united solidarity against whoever happens to be leading like the NFC East. Washington and NY may be out of the postseason, but they definitely can enjoy these types of results,

On the plus side though - I realize that as a Masshole by birth, I really appreciate the attitude of our fans, but we've become fat and complacent. Our hatred of teams just isn't nearly what it used to be.

Frankly, the model fanbase for Hating has to be Philadelphia. I mean, look at this specimen:

This man put on like, 18 chains, scoped himself out in the mirror, and went out in public and attended this game. At no point during that entire journey did anyone treat him like he was weird or out of place. I'm sure he actually got dozens and dozens of people high-fiving him.

This is hall of fame hatred.

Falcons @ Saints

Broken Buccs

Eh. This game was over before the first quarter ended.

panthrs vs 49IRs

Brock Favre did his best to throw the game away, but little did he know that the Bryce and the Panthers have the edge when it comes to pissing away games.

Recapulate

W (7-5) Matural Light
L (10-2) SCHWAAAAAAAAB

Going into Monday Night, the score was 69.64 for Matural Light and 67.18 for SCHWAAAAAAAB both with two players to go.

And how on Earth could this epic Civil War have ended?

SCHWAAAAAAB BEATING MATURAL LIGHT BY FUCKIN .18 POINTS.

What an absolutely insane battle to have taken place leading up to Thanksgiving. Sweeping the two-game familial series and extending his dominant first place lead in the standings.

I think we can all agree, what the fuck man? What gives you the right? In a week where literally nine other teams would have won (sorry Penix), it doesn't matter in the slightest because you can only play who is in front of you.

Now, as far as analysis goes, there's a whole lot of fuckery that got us to this result:

• Josh Allen Josh Allenned too much and while he repeated his 2-interception performance, he forgot about also scoring 6 total touchdowns
• Alvin Kamara poopied his pants like my daughter after too many blueberries
• Aaron Jones Sr. is too old or something, I don't know
• Jameson Williams is a big stinky doodoo head, who has a big butt and his butt smells and he likes to sniff his own butt
• Jonathan Taylor turned out to be human after all
• Rico Dowdle ain't that guy

And last but not least, Bryce Young decided he simply did not want to be the reason for Matural Light to win by tossing not one, but two interceptions - just enough to fucking lose the entire thing. Very much, not buckets.

W (6-6) How's ya mom and dem
L (7-5) The Impossible Kid

Where the fuck did this How's ya mom and dem even come from? This fuckin guy not only won't stop winning, but this fucker has been absolutely lighting up his opponents. I realize that this shit is kinda all random for the most part, but he is heating up at just the right fucking time.

Am I jealous? Uhh fuck yeah. I mean, what the fuck, dude. You think you can just drop in, take over a team, and just start absolutely fucking people's faces up on your way to a playoff spot?

You could have tried a little harder The Impossible Kid to keep the new guy from just running roughshod through some of the best this league has to offer. What's up with De'Von Achane thinking he can just take a week off? The fuck is Saquon doing? Does he think he's back on the Giants or some shit?

W (5-7) Ding Dong Pattywhack
L (2-10) The Scallywags

For the first 11 weeks of the season, Jonathan Taylor had really taken all the shine when it came to being the standout running back for the season. However, with week 12 in the books it looks like perhaps we were all wrong - and that Jahmyr Gibbs was the one true back to rule us all. 51.90 fucking points? Ding Dong Pattywhack was able to literally get zero fucking points from a player and still won by 25+.

Yes, I realize this is the type of advanced analytics you come to this column to read instead of just literally going to the matchup boxscore and performing the math yourself - it is why the quality of my analysis is directly relational to the amount I'm paid to put these together.

In conclusion, this matchup was a boxscore of contrasts.

L (5-7) The Justin League
W (6-6) Flip Flops & Coronas

The Justin League did his god damned bestest to catch up to Flip Flops & Coronas and take him down, but despite Christian McCaffrey's pretty damn good showing on Monday Night, the league folded.

Since I absolutely love playing the Blame Game™, I'm going to do the upstanding thing and point both fingers directly at a certain Justin as the main culprit behind this absolutely tragic loss:

JJ McCarthy.

That man is single-handedly Skol fucking the Vikings with his absolutely fucking awful play. He considers himself 9 - but what everyone fails to understand, is that it's out of 400.

W (6-6) 91 Shrimp
L (8-4) Broken Penix

I was going to spend a bit of this portion to speak to the point that Penix may just be quite broken, but it turns out this god damn team has won 5 games in the last 7 weeks, which is fucking fantastic.

Now, you may be asking, how the fuck was I going to discuss something that obviously wasn't actually happening? Well, that's the thing with me and this column: I can write about just about anything, even if it's completely made up. Actually, especially if it's made up. I mean look at me, I'm getting a fucking paragraph about talking about something that I literally was going to make up to fill space.

If only I could manage a fantasy football team as well as I can distort the very real fabric of reality.

Instead, I'm going to discuss how 91 Shrimp was able to get outstanding performances from Jalen Hurts, Davante Adams and Michael Wilson.

..

OK. And there we go! I hope you enjoyed this presentation.

L (4-8) I Fucking Suck
W (6-6) mzarecta

Welp. Another fucking loss.

Definitely started off on the wrong foot when I realized I had completely forgotten to manage my lineup before Sunday .. which means I couldn't pick up any fucking kicker for the weekend. Thankfully, it didn't matter whatso-fucking-ever since I wasn't going to close that 39-point gap anyway.

Oh well, I guess I've returned to my happy place,

Congrats mza, you absolutely smoked me thanks to moody-bitch AJ Brown, Amon-Ra, and Stafford comin out HOT and scoring half of your 140+ points.

Kinda wish you could have had a better showing from Drake "Drake Maye" Maye - I really thought he'd fuckin finally hit 300+ passing yards for a game, but nope. Maybe next week.

And speaking of Quarterbacks, I am absolutely fucking cooked at that position. I can't believe I'm going to have to depend on Marcus fuckign Mariota going forward. Jayden is ded. Baker is ded. And I ain't got shit else for the spot.

I suppose it's a good thing I am in absolutely no contention for a stupid fucking playoff spot.

Ahh, I love this time of year: when my fantasy football season essentially comes to a brutal end.

Fin.

Hey hey! Week 12 is in the books! And guess what today is?

Thanksgiving!

I hope this column finds everyone well, and perhaps gives folks that extra motivation to linger in the bathroom by yourselves just a couple minutes more. Whether it's a welcome distraction from annual family drama, or some reading material while you squeeze out that mud monkey from eating too much god damn potatoes - I'm here to serve all of you, my faithful readers.

What am I thankful for? Why, every single one of you dipshits who made it this far. I'm thankful that you spared some of your day to peruse some memes I found, and cheap jokes I made. I'm thankful that you all took the time over the last three or four years to finally learn to read - something that I'm hoping to achieve one day as well.

But most of all, I'm thankful for the family I have - whether the one I grew up with and have spent what feels like countless thanksgivings with, the one I married into that I can't wait to see and enjoy merriment on Saturday, the one I share with my darling wife with a 16-month-old daughter who is already outsmarting her dumbass dad, or the extended Fantasy football family of friends that I consider all of you fuckers.

I mean this from the bottom of my nut-sack: love you guys. And while my ass remains out of the playoff jackpot, I still love following every god damn matchup every week. The blowouts, the comebacks, the teams playing down to their competition, the absolute fucking brutal heartbreak losses - I love them all almost as much as I do the managers who run these absolutely busted ass rosters.

So take care out there, have a wonderful fuckin Thanksgiving today, and I hope the binge eating and carries you through the weekend. We've got like 5 straight days of football to celebrate - whether it's the NFL, college, or even high school - so enjoy it to the fullest.

See y'all next week.