Insert clever title here
Welp. Shit's kinda fucked for the Natty Football League Times Picayune.
Don't worry - I have all my actual writeups backed up locally. But I only have database backups as far back as November 2020. So the playoff run and my finished work is still kinda fucked behind a bunch of horseshit at Heroku.
I'm going to .. somehow get this shit back up somewhere. No fuckin clue where, but at the moment this shit's homeless, like all too many people including children in this country.
What do?
Not worry about it. Like I said, I got all this shit backed up locally.
See that shit on the right of the image? It's a sweet preview of allllll the shit I can eventually see.
Bad part is all the neato integrations I added are fuckin gone.
So for images, I'm gonna have to be all lame and just do,
Not bad.
Intervention
So I need to raise some concerning alarms about The Impossible Kid.
Exhibit 1a and 1b:
With those red flags, I hope I'm not putting him too much on the spot but: I respect the change and I fully support whatever your Fantasy Football League choices end up being.
So now that The Impossible Kid isn't just some salty bastard and our general Average NaCl levels as a league have diminished, I think it's time to unveil the Natty Football League Death Pact:
Whoever dies first must haunt Matt Schaub.
I know, I know, I didn't go through the traditional democratic channels, but I just have a feeling this is what everyone would want.
Salt.
With The Impossible Kid's recent lifestyle change, I guess I'm going to have to work double time to produce the appropriate levels of salt that our league is depended on in order for the Massachusetts Highway Department to have enough to de-ice our roadways.
Here I go:
I FUCKING LOST MY GOD DAMN HOME ONLINE.
NOT ONLY DID I LOSE MY FUCKING HOME, BUT I LOST ALL MY BACKUPS TO LIKE .. LAST OCTOBER OR SOME SHIT. IT'S SOME HORSESHIT THAT HEROKU DECIDED TO ABSOLUTELY SLAP THEIR DICK ON MY FACE AND FALCON PUNCH MY BUTTHOLE AND OUTRIGHT DESTROY MY NODE INSTANCE.
SURE. I MAY HAVE NEGLECTED TO UPDATE MY ENVIRONMENT TO ANY CAPACITY, ALLOWING FOR A TON OF DEPRECATED LIBRARIES TO HIT ME LIKE A STORROW DRIVE BRIDGE TIN-CANNING A RENTAL TRUCK. WHAT THE FUCKING EVER. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT ME NOT PROPERLY MAINTAINING THE GHOST CMS WOULD EVER BITE ME IN THE ASS. THE FUCK DOES IT EXPECT? ME TO UPDATE IT TO PROTECT MYSELF AND THE PLATFORM, HEROKU FROM MALICIOUS VULNERABILITES?
FUCK THAT MAN. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK DOES IT THINK I DO? CARE ABOUT THIS SHIT?
Well. I do. A lot. This was heartbreaking when I first discovered it.
Obviously, like most Phoenixes (Phoenices?), I'm going to fuckin rise up harder than a kid on Prom night. Gonna find a fucking real site, make it actually resolve at nattyfootballleague.com, and then mother. fucking. update the plugin with all those little doodads I had before (all those click-to-view-image things were made by me).
Fucking hate that these link clicks will open new windows. What the fuck is up with that? Did we all lose a war?
Yeah. Soooo.
We're going to have to struggle through this shit for the time being.
Sorry. FUCK.
SHIT.
Moving on.
OK. Keepers are kept. Let's do something stupid like uhhh
HERE WE GO FUCKERS.
OK, so for this ranking I actually used numbers n shit to get the values I got. The dollar values are based on my ranking of everyone's column of keepers. So I ranked the keepers in columns:
- Keeper 1
- Keeper 2
- Keeper 3
- 2020 Rookie Keeper 1
- 2021 Rookie Keeper 2
Don't worry, I ran everything through my super-computer,
And then multiplied that by the keeper value.
I additioned all that shit together then slapped on each person's highlighted Total.
Them's the numbers I came up for everyone.
Kings stay Kings
1. JuJu My Balls ($179)
Outstanding showing dude. A couple second place showings, a third and survived an 11th to ultimately end up with the greatest showing. I don't really know what this means for the season, but how bad could starting out on top be?
PS. Those Arby's are going to fuck some shit up.
2. I Am The Captain Now ($201)
Same shit. A bunch of third place spots and surviving a seventh place. Good keepers n shit. I'm so jealous of Dalvin Cook. Now that QBs are important, Hussle and Russell Wilson is ... well ..
Fuck some shit up.
3. #BillAvatarUpdated ($227)
This bitch didn't keep his 2021 rookie. The fuck, bro. I mean, it's OK if you really couldn't stand to. I don't know if the dude ended up being some kind of white supremacist or some shit. But anyway, Josh Allen is kind of fucking absurd at $8.
You got 4th for that one, tho.
4. Flip Flops & Coronas ($257)
Yo.
Deshaun Watson.
You actually should be probably much lower than 4th, but it didn't even register what rank you were because I input, "yo, wtf" instead of 12.
Anyway.
Deshaun. Watson.
5. The Scallywags ($260)
You won the Keeper 1 column and then rode that to 5th place. Whoop-dee-fuckin'-doo. I don't know shit about Noah Fant - I mean, I've heard of him, but I ain't know anything beyond that.
6. 91 Shrimp ($376)
Right in the middle. Didn't get anything higher than 7th in any of your keeper columns .. maybe one of the rookie ones had you 6th ... no wait, you were 8th.
Yeah so, I guess consistency is good? God damn, well. Cool.
7. Seyton Manning ($441)
You won the Keeper 3 column, and did pretty decent in the 2021 Rookie Keeper 2 one as well .. but damn, I don't have a clue who Terry McLaurin is - and boy did that cost you.
You should always keep me in mind with all your Fantasy Football decisions.
8. mzarecta ($471)
Shit the bed with your first Keeper 1 .. I guess .. I dunno, maybe 11th was too harsh for Aaron Jones (for $22), but you picked it up with the rest of your choices, hittin 4 a few times and a 5.
Oh wait, that's bad, you're in the bottom half. I guess despite your decent placement, the keeper value fucked you over.
9. Matty Light ($513)
Knocked it out of the park with 2020 Rookie Keeper 1 in Justin Herbert. But after that you were spending $(ranking * keeper value) like crazy. So that's why you're here, topping $500. It's not fair, and my ranking system is completely fucking arbitrary - with spite being a huge contributing factor .. or multiplier. Whatever.
Anyway, you owe the league $313 in fantasy currency to start the season.
10. Peepee Mahomes II ($790)
Holy shit, what a jump. Over $250. I even gave myself the best keepers for the Keeper 2 and 2021 Rookie Keeper 1 columns. That's right - I gave myself 1st place with DK Metcalf vs. the likes of Mahomes (at $16), Ezekiel Elliott (at $25) and AJ Brown (at $10).
Yet, I fuckin got destroyed when I ranked Odell as the worst keeper in the Keeper 1 column.
You know what a 12th rank means with my formula? $528 Joe Bucks. Oof.
11. King Tugcock ($861)
I fucked you over with Travis Kelce's ranking. 10th place * $43 = you're fucked
I also slapped you with $124 for Najee Harris. So yeah. Fuck your keepers.
12. The Impossible Kid ($878)
Good fuckin lord dude. Remember when I mentioned how much I fucked myself over with the 12th place ranking blowing up my 2021 Keeper VORPP (Value Over Reluctant Puckering Price) values?
Well, you got it worse: 11th place * $55 = you are fucked as well
Then the draft happened
Well. The draft was pretty cool. Lots of solid banter, a couple dogs made it to the camera. Uhmm. What else.
Oh right, I Am The Captain Now fucking dropped $125 on fucking Stat Padford.
One of the funniest moments in draft history.
If only we didn't have the GOAT Commissioner in any/league history, then Captain may have had to rage quit in disgust. But 91 Shrimp was able to literally rewind time and we got to witness I Am The Optimist Now,
(Great narration by mza)
After that, I Am The Captain Now made some more picks or some shit and like some of us do from time to time, decided to put his trust in auto-draft.
Well .. this video does a good explanation of what occurred after:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0H6n1aK0ZSo
He fucking bullied people with bids. I fucked myself over by over-extending myself so I was watching everyone's max bids and that Deceptinard, with just a $11 max bid was fucking everyone up, Myles Gaskin with 91 Shrimp and Matural Light was perhaps my favorite.
It took the human q-tip in Robby Anderson to finally put our suffering to rest. The league will forever be in his debt.
Oh, and someone called Juwan Johnson the living Superflex.
That was neat.
Let's fuckin end this
So here we go! Game Thursday night. Hope everyone's lineups are settled.
I'm fuckin pumped for this shit - both the NFl and fantasy seasons. Hoping this little column scare (I still need to figure out how to get the archives online) gave me new life towards maintaining this shit.
Take care fellers, maybe I'll see y'all in person this year.
Until then, stay healthy. Please. I don't want any league or friendship vacancies.
