is this thing on?

Now. I have a lot of ground to cover. A honeymoon that spanned much of Europe. One that ended up with me returning home with what I hope isn't super super-Spartan strain of Covid. One that had me visiting a couple countries who have contributed so much to the global World in terms of wine, cheese, and in Greece's case fucking civilized society.

But tragedy is also in the news. And no, I'm not talking about the hit that left Tua throwing gang-signs.

I'm talking about one of the most powerful buttocks in history.

It is I. Mario.

How could they do this? How the hell is Mario supposed to launch himself into double-jumps or ass-pounds without that tremendous backside?

God damn Hank Hill havin' ass. What the fuck is happening?

And don't get me started on the fuckin voice. What the fuck was that??

Ok ok, critiques aside. I still consider myself a "glass half full" kind of guy. And while the sneak trailer peak may have missed its mark, something good is that we are well on our way to finally realizing a dream so many decades in the making.

C'mon Feige, you bitch. You know what has to be done.

He's Baaaaaaack.

Not sure if you caught it the other night, but one of the biggest and best smiles in the NBA is fucking back.

Now, you may be curious as to what the relevance of this is - well, there was a time in the long-long ago when that electric man still had much of his youth (and achilles) intact. And he gifted us,

How long ago was that? Well, the three guys asking him to do it - Jason Preston, Moussa Diabaté, and Brandon Boston - were 11, 8, and 8 back when Wall did his dougie intro.

So yeah.

Time fuckin flies, don't it?

I swear, it's as if an entire generation of kids don't even know how to do the John Wall,

OK. Let's. Get. WORLDWIDE.

That's fuckin right. I know you're all here for my loooong rambling bragpost of how fucking rad the honeymoon was. And boy oh boy, it was fucking rad. as. hell.

It started off as most trips do: having our first flight so fucking delayed they just god damn wipe it from the monitors at the gate. Love it when they mother fuck you by never officially declaring a delay so you can go find a place to fucking sit down and kill time until the updated boarding time. Those Iberian Air fucks just stood behind the rope at the gate scrolling through their own absolutely horror-show instagram accounts while avoid any and all eye contact.

At least when we got the shit kicked off, it was relatively painless until the Misses and myself touched down in Paris.

My Flying Rules

I have my own complaints about certain codes of conduct while flying, but the point I make paramount is simply the Rules of Engagement given the various contexts of seat placement:

• Middle sweat owns the arm rests.
• Window seat owns the view/window.
• Aisle is obligated to allow any and all ventures to the shitter.

Next would be what should be the generally accepted rules of food cart communication: Unless explicitly requested, do not wake up anyone asleep when cart appears.

If you can't keep your seat upright, or your tray table in the closed position during takeoff/landing, you should be ejected from the flight. Had to deal with this on the way to Greece: two fuckers would be requested to keep their seat up, and they'd fucking blast them shits back before/during takeoff.

Unforgiveable

Sacre Bleu!

Anyway, Paris is pretty great. Incredible place to stop and just .. wander around. Every so often you stop, drink a beer or some wine, grab an espresso (expresso?), and keep that shit rolling. Scoping out the Louvre, or Arc de triomphe, scope out Le Marais district, look at them Eiffel tower shits, walk to Montemartre, etc... you don't need no plans. Just fuckin grab an edible, a portable battery, your finest cigarette extender dealie, a beret, and some good walkin shoes - and just go fucking rock that shit.

Quite possibly the most remarkable thing that took place in that Paris place was Rachel and myself experiencing a hamburger that,,, was I think the best tasting hamburger I've ever had. As much as I want to go into more detail, I'll have to sort through the notes I took. The dry-aged beef was just so incredible. As delicious as it was, I have to admit I did weep at the realization of a country like France being better at executing food that I frankly associate directly with my beloved 'merica. The truth hurts so, so much.

Yamas!

Yo.

Greece rules.

I've been only one time before, didn't spend all that much time in Athens (I want to put it at roughly 36 hours packed with fun and culture), but did spend a bit of time on the island of Kea. The sights, sounds, smells, flavors were all incredible. Especially given that we were there for Easter (if you're gonna visit Greece, visit then for some great culture shit). Now, before I get too into something

With the stage set, it's time to cue Santorini island. What a fucking beautiful place. Unlike the island of Kea, Santorini is the result of tens of thousands of years of volcanic activity:

60,000 years ago, it was just one single island. And those Greeks were so fucking smart, they knew they were living on a volcano. Actually, they didn't just know that, but they actually determined it was going to explode so they packed up enough shit to leave, but left all their shit all set and organized because their assumption was to return.

Unfortunately, they never returned - but because of their preparation, it made the discovery and uncovering of all the ancient shit there that much easier to do (don't believe me? Visit Akrotiri).

Anyway, sometime around 60,000 years ago it had a violent explosion that formed the Calderra we see right now. It was called the Minoan eruption. Shit led to a 7 and change magnitude earthquake and the ejections into the atmosphere affected historical records of ancient civilizations from Egypt to China.

There were a few more eruptions but nothing of that power, but new land has been added a couple times - most recently in the 1950s. It's fucking rad as hell.

Greece has a shitload of winable grapes

Everyone always touts France for being the captains of wine - but those fuckin frogs only have like, 25 winable grapes.

Greece? 330+ winable grapes. And that's after losing like 1100 because of some shit that I couldn't understand (Georgia is the World's leader with 1300+).

So we rented a car and fucked around to a bunch of wineries. So much delicious, delicious wine. Between glasses of that, checking out a beach of black sand, gobbling down cucumber & tomato salads, grilled octopus and home made hummus, it was hard to imagine the adventure to get better.

Until we hopped on a mother. fuckin. Boat.

Touring the Calderra

To bring it all back to the Volcanic aspect, I just wanted to share some photos:

What are called the veins, is fuckin slate that was pushed upwards during eruptions.

Being the lightest material ejected, pumace stone is the light shit that covers so much of Santorini island. A lot of it rests on the very top of the island, and for the longest time was mined (you can see the crumbling structure on the bottom right). You can use pumace stone for a lot of great shit, from those loofah stones to being a key ingredient when constructing foundations in water.

Oh wait, did I mention how soft the material is?

Scope out the following photo and notice the doors in the side of the rock:

Those old Grecians could carve out out parking spots for their boats from that rock (doors that are close to the water), and then they carve out a spot higher up to sleep in (doors that are obviously more offset from the water).

Eventually our Captain brought us to his favorite spot:

It's called "Elephant Skin"

I went up and touched that shit: hard as a rock. But fuck if it didn't look god damn incredible.

In Conclusion

There's a ton more to go over but I only have precious little time to shoot the shit about why you're all fucking here:

FUCK I HATE CHEESE. WHY THE FUCK DID I VISIT TWO OF PERHAPS THE MOST QUINTISSENTIAL CHEESE COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD. CHEESE IS A HUGE FUCKING PART OF BOTH DIETS GOD DAMN IT. FUCKING SHIT. SO MUCH FUCKING CHEESE I COULDN'T HELP BUT HAVE TO TRY AND IT ALL FUCKING SUCKED SO MUCH.

[cough]

OK, maybe not that. You're here because you've exhausted all the best material and just don't want to face the real world. I hope to continue being that escape for you, you coward.

Thoughts only thought by me

You know. This Jeffery Dahmer guy seems like a real bad egg.

The only guy who appeared to be fans were the Milwaukee Police Department. They let him just feast on the competition.

HOLY SHIT FINALLY

Let's get silly.

And let's talk NFL week 5.

Falcons Colts vs. Seahawks Broncos

Is there any better of a games package that Amazon would offer than Thursday Night Football?

How many times have you purchased something from Amazon that you thought was too good of a deal to be true, only to realize in the second quarter that the down marker doesn't actually go up to 10? Or that the audio cuts out if the power cord pulls a little too much against the side of the port?

I mean: look at the damn Amazon Video listing for it:

I'll just let Russell Wilson cover it for me,

Giants vs Packers

What the fuck. I know it's been jokes about ad naseum but how dare the British get two teams over .500 sent to them.

I guess if there's a silver lining, at least I'm back on the East fucking Coast so I could enjoy this game at a reasonable time in the morning. Having to get up at like 6 fucking 30 am on a Sunday morning to watch London games back when I lived in San Francisco should be considered a war crime and punished by ruthlessly ripping the toenails off of Roger Goodell.

Danny Dimes beat Aaron Rodgers. That was pretty entertaining.

Giants are 4-1. What the fuck?

Steelers vs. Bill's

Haha, the Steelers fuckin suck. I didn't think they were that bad, but they really fuckin stink so badly.

But instead of harping on the dumbass Steelers, let's just watch in awe of such a beautiful play:

Wow. Just gorgeous.

Charge vs. Borowns

"The Chargers escape themselves again."
- Scott Hanson

I can tell you one thing, I am not ready for Brandon Staley vs. Hackett next week.

A couple of fuckin galaxy-brained head coaches thinking they each are playing 7D Underwater Reverse Monopoly when in reality they're playing the simplified version of Chutes and Ladders (contains only chutes).

Tejans vs. Jags

Death. Taxes. AFC South sucks wet hobo shit.

Some things transcend Football, and that's the fact that somehow, someway, the Texans always seem to beat the Jaguars.

..which in itself isn't that special because frankly, they're both fuckup franchises.

But the Texans are definitely edging out the Jags as the fuckiest uppest.

Bears vs Vikes

Wait.

The Vikings are 4-1?? These Vikings are 4-1???

What the fuck is going on.

We need to flex the Giants and Vikings into some matchup this weekend POST HASTE. The World needs to see either Kirk Cousins or Danny Dimes owning a 5-1 record.

Why?

Because fuck you. That's why.

Loins vs. Greatriots

Strange status:

The only game I watched from beginning to end. Holy shit what a beautiful game it was. A shutout against one of the highest scoring teams in the league? A rookie Quarterback from .. somewhere.. absolutely lighting it the fuck up. Rhmondrehedron runnin through a motherfucker face.

We are at the dawn of a new Greatriot age.

Some would say, it's Zappin time!

Rainy City Bitch Pigeons vs. Saints

I can't believe I'm about to say this but ...

Get Geno some help!

..Fucking gross.

PS. Miss you Jameis. You stupid fucking asshole.

Phish vs. JEST

What the fuck is going on. I leave the country for two solid weekends, come back, and the Jets are over .500 after shitstomping the Dolphins? The Dolphins who were AFC Leaders just a short while ago?? What a bunch of fucking fishy-assed frauds. Pathetic. I knew I shouldn't ever expect a team as fucking pathetic as the Dolphins to maintain its momentum.

Not like this is some chump-assed 14-game season. The franchaise ain't shit since we went to 16-games all those decades ago.

Now the Jets. They have some pretty incredible young pieces in Sauce, Breece (former PEPSI Rookie of the Week), and Garrett. Despite those nice things, I'm not sure I'm ready for our J-E-T-S Overlords.

Dare I say, the AFC BEast is back??

Falcons vs. Tom Bradys

Tom Brady remains undefeated against the fuckin Falcons with the help of a certain Jerry Snots.

Marcus Mariota must be really liked because I'm still not quite sure why he is still employed in the NFL. The Falcons want someone who could hand a ball off? How fuckin hard could it be? I'm your man if you want someone to give the ball to someone else or just take a sack. And I'll do it for less than $9 million per year.

I'm sure everyone's caught the Antonio Brown memery that's been floating around. As much as I'd love to share aforementioned memery with all y'all, I'm going to go ahead and refuse because:

1. Antonio Brown is a colossal shithead who sexually assaulted people in a hotel pool
2. Antonio Brown has always been a colossal shithead even during his Steeler days, and dare I say it, we owe Tomlin quite a bit of props due to the fact that we all had no fucking clue he was such a shithead until after he left Pittsburgh
3. Antonio Brown is nothing without Tom Brady

And given that I'm a staunch Team Tom kinda guy, this Antonio Brown dude can literally go play in traffic as far as I'm concerned. Although I'd prefer he be arrested and spend the rest of his days in some shitty Middle Eastern prison.

And as a member of Team Tom, I'm really hoping to finally get an invite to Valinor. I don't get why he's the only one allowed in,

Titans vs. Commodes

Wentz is quite the riddle wrapped in an enigma.

Plays good enough to keep Washington in the game.

Is terrible enough to throw picks at the worst fucking times.

Worth hanging onto because he can actually put up competitive amounts of fantasy points.

Carson Wentz is the Most Carson Wentziest Player in the League.

I hope you all look forward to me saying literally the same fucking thing about Wentz in next week's recap.

9ers vs. Pound Kitties

Rhule was fired in between me starting this column on Sunday and actually writing this specific section on Monday.

That dude fuckin sucks.

The only thing I was hoping would happen before his firing would be one of the three kids in a trenchcoat that obviously is pretending to be an NFL Coach falling out or something. There's no way that was an actual human man. Had to be some Men in Black alien controlling the body kind of thing or something.

Show evidence? The fuck you talking about? No.

Iggles vs. Cards

Wait. So Philly beat the Cards 3 games to 0 now? Does it mean they advance to the Divisional Series? I'm so confused.

'Boys vs. LAClippers

I can't not see LAClippers with the rams new fuckin logo.

Actually, I refuse to see anything else.

I dunno what else to say about this. Maybe some joke about how Cooper Rush is obligated to fuckin deck Dak as per Cowboys backup QB tradition,

Bengals vs. B-birds

Justin Tucker: system kicker. Ultimate teammate. Greatest at his position.

The Llamar Jackson & Justin Tucker combo is so fucking deadly at the end of close games. All they gotta do is get to their side of the field and it's almost assured that they'll get the win.

Raiders vs. Chefs

I'm going to let the internet's latest copypasta do the talking for me,

That was beautiful. I think the NFL has finally figured out the secret for Monday Night Football - it's finally giving us fans what we've been desperately begging for. Penalties. I fucking love them. I fucking love them! When I see that ref clutching the sexy yellow flag all I can think is thank god it isn't No-Nut November yet. Give me RTP, not calling holding or fumbles when they occur, illegal contact, pass interference, defensive holding on a field goal, that's the shit I tune in for. The players did a great job tonight at just letting the refs play, the coaches were screaming, the fans were looking wide-eyed and booing - THIS WAS SPORT at the highest level. I'm sure I'm not the only one who was overcome with ecstasy on that roughing the passer call - you know, the one where several flags all came down on the quarterback like a big yellow bukkake? I don't know about you guys, but I'll be tuning in every Monday wearing my black and white striped jersey, throwing flags around my apartment and screaming the calls in unison with these all-star officials at the top of my lungs. I can hardly contain my excitement for the next time a coach loses a time-out on a challenge for daring to question our boys who leave it all on the field every single week. This is a turning point for NFL ratings folks, and we all get to say we were here to witness it.

Incredible game with such a stupid fucking end.

And to all of us that may have Devante in one of our leagues, get ready for a potential one game suspension because the dude showed more heart walking off the field than WHEN HE COULD HAVE CAUGHT A GAME-SAVING RECEPTION

You fuckin asshole. CATCH THE BALL AND PLANT YOUR FEET. DON'T HAPPY TAP YOUR WAY OUT OF BOUNDS YOU STUPID SMOOTHBRAIN.

LETS GET RECAPPED

L - 61.68 (3-2) The Scallywags

W - 101.56 (2-3) Matural Light

Parity rules in this league. Sure, The Scallywags are 3-1 but four wins is going to evade this squad in week 5.

Why? Well, it's tough to point fingers - but if there's one thing I can't critize too much, it's the elite level of names on this squad:

• Cooper Rush
• Romeo Doubs
• Younghoe Koo
• Deebo Samuel
• Christian McCaffrey

Yes. Of course there are motherfuckin sad sacks of shit like, Corey Davis or Green Bay Packers, but damn dude - you have a two-sport athlete name in Cooper Rush. That fucker could easily play any outfield position and possibly third base at an elite level with a name like that.

For him to also be the Quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys? I think that's why they invented the word serendipity.

I can't really get too much into the naming on Matural Light. Justin Herbert definitely cleans out soft-serve dispensing machines. And Allen Lazard is the name of some late-night radio DJ that constantly evades sexual harrassment accusations by the other late-night employees.

I mean come on. Kirk Cousins? You're lucky to come away with the win this week, Mr. Light.

L - 129.08 (2-3) mzarecta

W - 144.34 (5-0) Seyton Manning

Blood bath status: Soaked.

Great shit from the seemingly injured Quadfather. New England absolutely slapped shit down with 22.00 fucking points. Being at 80 and change before Burrow and Llamar play is quite the confidence booster.

If there's one criticism, it's that YOU DIDN'T LET ME GET MAHER AS A KICKER, SO INSTEAD I PICKED UP FOLK STORY AND GOT MYSELF 18 FUCKIN POINTS.

SUCK ON THAT MOTHER FUCKER.

To just touch on mza's performance: sure sucks ass to waste a crazy day from Mahomes.

L - 122.38 (3-2) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

W - 191.04 (4-1) The Impossible Kid

Wow.

Wow.

This mother fuckin Dumbledong had himself a pretty fuckin great week, didn't make the mistake I did in another league and actually started Gave Davis.. But the poor fucker left Stevenson, Walker III, Mostert, and Meyers on his bench - losing out on 72.6 points between the four, and then if you take into account actual point outputs from week 5:

Obviously you should have benched Waddle for Meyers. That's 16.80 lost points right there.

Then of course you have Mostert instead of Harris and stack those 13.60 points - or at least get Stevenson in there for just .20 fewer.

How the good god damn are you supposed to compete against,

• 30.90 from Lenny
• 26.20 from Tractorcito
• 35.08 from the guy who abused his pregnant girlfriend
• 27.02 from .. WHAT THE FUCK? GENO SMITH????

Oh come the fuck on. Geno Smith?? Really? I've missed two fucking weeks, was week 1 really the rule and not the exception for this guy!? Jesus fucking hell. This game really is over my head, unlike a punch from a teammate that would break my jaw.

W - 150.70 (3-2) Flip Flops & Coronas

L - 132.48 (0-5) I Am The Captain Now

As I tune in at roughly 6:41 pm on Sunday afternoon, and the score is 113.80 vs. 109.10, it does seem like we could have a sweaty result.

Maybe. Perhaps.

But probably not.

Flip Flops is projected for 150+. Captain has about 19 more predicted.

Anything could happen, but with Miles Sanders pissing down his leg, and Cooper Kupp not putting up a superhuman performance, I Am The Captain Now is going to have to pray for one of them surprise meteor strikes in the DMV.

Yooooooooo!!! The mother fucker scored 150!! These Yahoo predictions are fucking horrifying accurate!

L - 119.64 (1-4) 91 Shrimp

W - 159.98 (4-1) The Dakstreet Boys

DAKSTREET BRINGS IT TO 4 WINS.

Great shit from Justin Jefferson and Ekeler, really solidifying a foundational duo of point earners.

Combine that with some "surprise" outbursts from Jimmy GQ (..is he good?) and Jeff Wilson Jr (bet none of you have any fuckin clue who this guy is), and you got yourself a dominating win.

That, and for some reason you're holding onto Justin Fields. Yeah sure, he scored an outright shocking 18.02 points on Sunday, but .. why? Dude may struggle to toss 166 completions in a 17-game season.

Why 166? I believe it's the fewest number of completions by a quarterback who managed to start 16-games in a single season. SO LET'S GO JUSTIN! LET'S SEE SOME HISTORY YOU SACK OF SHIT!

L - 107.74 (0-5) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 108.92 (3-2) Spider 2 Y U do this

I hate this stupid fucking hobby.

When you can't fuckin spare extra points anywhere, dropping the Indy Colts DEF to grab Miami should not result in a differential of losing 16 points. The fuck is wrong with me? Why did I think Russell Wilson was going to actually produce anything other than copious amounts of stomach acid in the fat fucking bellys of so many Broncos fans?

In reality, it looks like my best performing player is the god damn ancient Nick Fucking Folk. Metcalf looked nice, which is great, but I'm going against the Fantasy GOD in Josh Allen.

Here I am sitting on my couch, praying that the Rams could maybe chip away some of the Cowboys 17.00 but we all know it's not going to fucking happen. Dallas doesn't have the fucking decency to help me out at all. And so I have to rely on a bunch of shitbags like Carr, Smith-Schuster, Jacobs and Just Kidding Dobbins.

I'm so fucked.

FUCK. I COULD HAVE JUST SAT MY DEFENSE AND ACTUALLY WON. WHAT THE FUCK DOLPHINS. I FUCKIN HATE YOU SO GOD DAMN MUCH. USELESS, PIECE OF SHIT FRANCHISE.

Fin.

Bam. Done. We did it. We survived another fucking week. I appreciate everyone's patience while I was out gallivanting around the globe. So welcome back, hope you all survived my ramblings. Shit got pretty weird up there.

Much love to everyone, hope everyone's having a superb fall. And of course, good luck in week 6. Who knows what kind of horseshit is going to be pulled.