It's easier not to be great

Fuck you, Thor

Let me paint the weekend picture for you:

It's mid-Friday afternoon, I'm trying to wrap up a bunch of dependency updates while yelling at my computer because fuck you, the tests worked before the update so WHY DON'T THEY KNOW, as one does. The wife is out seeing a friend and I decide to take a session on the Peloton (don't judge - I am a fucking believer now after a year of using it as a coat-hangar).

As the session winds down and I'm done with my workout farts, the wife returns with a much-needed refill of toilet paper and things start to get ominous: alerts about an incoming thunderstorm and .. well .. what felt like a complete blotting out of the sun as the entire downstairs becomes darkened. Distant rumblings start giving our pup Sophie anxiety as she paces back and forth between my wheezing ass and my wife who's getting settled back into the couch.

I finally wrap up and the storm starts to absolutely open up: the rolling thunder is replaced by flashing lights, crackling, booms, and reverberating bass while it starts absolutely dumping rain.

We initiate Sophie Babushka Protocol and wrap the pup up in her Thunder Jacket as well as my Carhardtt to help reduce her anxiety:

THEY'RE SO CUTE WHEN THEY GET ALONG

I decide to forgo a shower despite having about a 1/4" layer of sweat since I didn't want to get my shit rocked by lightning while showering - although what are the chances of lightning actually hitting the house, right??

We're all sitting together in the living room after quickly unplugging most of our prized devices, handling the storm pretty well - my usual strategy is to watch through my peripherals for lightning flashes and slowly count up in my head until I hear a crack or rumbling, hoping that the number I get keeps getting higher and higher.

Unfortunately, that number was falling. Fast. To the point where a couple cracks seemingly happened in unison with the lightning flashes.

And that was when it happened: a flash so sudden and bright it filled the room, followed almost instantaneously by its thunderous tag team partner to give our house an aided wheelbarrow facebuster that we could feel in the floor. The crack was crazy - almost indescribable, and it scared the shit out of the entire family. We knew something spectacular must have hit because we could hear debris hitting the house.

We immediately moved inward next to the stairs, away from the windows. We corralled the cat into his cat carrier and all just sat in the narrow hallway hoping that the worst was behind us. Fortunately, while the thunder and lightning continued, it was less devastating and intimidating and more Tiki Barber and Ron Dayne.

After 30 to 45 minutes of huddling together, me covered in gross, smelly, stinky sweat that the dog found comfort in, the cat didn't want anything to do with, and Rachel was indifferent about .. the danger had cleared. Thunder clapping like thicc cheeks now a distant tummy rumble in the distance.

But something was wrong.

Very wrong.

The memes I rely on to comfort myself in troubling times were hardly reachable. The devastating videos of people getting kicked in the balls could barely load. It was then that I realized: I am only connected to mobile data? Panic.

I immediately scrambled to check the router, and while the lights were blinking away .. one was dead.

OH GOD NO. NOT THAT ONE.

My attention switched to the cable modem, the gatekeeper of our internet data, and horror finally sank in as I see its lifeless face. I immediately tried switching the power in the hopes of stimulating any sort of recovery but it was to no avail. Our cable modem had been taken from us. Six years of faithful service, showing us the beautiful wonders of streaming, online gaming, and cute animal content had come to a shocking end.

And so it was then, in the early evening that the wife and myself realized this was an issue that was going to impact our ability to enjoy both week one of the NFL, but also our entire quality of life. Fuck water, we need streams of data.

Sadly, it was also learned upon troubleshooting that while still alive, our router was mortally wounded: the ethernet port that allowed all our devices to experience the wonders of internet connectivity was also severed - making this quite the already-expensive problem.

However, despite the costs mounting, the worst was yet to come: dealing with Comcast customer service.

I will spare you the nightmarish details, but it wasn't until 4:10pm on Sunday when we finally were back to living in 2023. Surfing the wonders of the World Wide Web - the Information Superhighway - again. Content was reachable and consumable. We could use our exercise equipment (the fuck is that bullshit, Peloton?). We could live our lives and enjoy what remaining vestibules of week one remained.

Sadly, that thunderstorm also seemingly claimed a Mac power cube, our fucking central air unit in the attic, and one of the garage lights (we think).

And while we never used it anyway, I think our invisible dog fence might not be recoverable.

That shit got fucked up.

Thankfully, the physical to the damage to the exterior of the house was fairly minimal,

Anyway, some takeaways from the story are:

• Thor is a fuckin shithead. Fuck that guy, he owes us damages.
• Invisible fences are kinda just giant ground rods that may attract lightning.
• Why does a stationary bike require internet to work? COME ON.

Thank you for reading. Fuck a World with no internet.

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS FUCKING THING:

RECAPS!

WE BEGIN WITH,

THE LIONS @ CHEFS

Great oogly moogly, what an absolutely incredible game from the defending World Champion Chiefs of Kansas City.

They took the field without the handsome Kelce or Kadarius Toney's hands.

And .. well .. shit did not get any better for them Chefs.

Not sure if you heard, but that Kadarius Toney guy sucks asshole. Could you believe that this pass ended up as a touchdown for the Lions?

AND MAHOMES STILL GAVE HIM A CHANCE AT REDEMPTION.

Patrick has more faith in Toney than I have in myself when it comes to resisting Steam summer sales.

Carolina @ Atlanta

Let your nuts hang, Atlanta: you are over .500

And you got yourself a .. second incredible running back in Bijan,

With Allgeir, you might run for 4000 yards.

..which is good because Pitts and Drake London might combine for 135 yards this season. Fuckin garbage, holy shit.

Houston @ Baldimore

Damn. Week one and this game might just be the most demoralizing win of the entire year. Half the god damn roster for the Ravens went out and we had Llamar shit himself .. again (poop mention counter: 1).

As far as the Texans .. Stroud pulled a Favre and caught his own first pass. Next up: traded to another team, a painkiller addiction, god damn Wrangler jeans ads and sending dick pics to a young news reporter.

Bungles @ Borowns

So what do the Bengals do after they sign their quarterback to the highest paid contract in ever?

I guess at least it was an exciting game, right??

First Half:

• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Fumble
• Punt
• FG
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• TD

Second Half:

• Punt
• FG
• Int
• Missed FG
• FG
• Punt
• FG
• Downs
• TD (2PT)
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt
• Punt

Game.

Was this a god damn Big Ten game!?

Factoid: Lions and Browns both win in week one for the first time since '92. 1492.

Jaggin off @ Indy

Good teams win. Great teams cover. Well done, Jags.

Despite playing on Monday, Josh Allen snuck in some defensive snaps and got himself three fuckin sacks. God damn.

It's remarkable how close this game was .. some would say if the Colts had any sort of running back, they could have pulled off a win.

Tampa Bakers @ Vikes

BAKER BROS: ASSEMBLE.

LET BAKER BAKE.

Vikings?

Tittans @ NOOOOOO

If you can't beat 'em, cover the spread. Well done Vrabel with that field goal.

I uhhh ,, have no more notes for this one.

9ers @ Pitt

Brock is Purdy good, god damn.

And so is Run CMC holy shit. Aiyuk even throws in a pancake to go with his double tiddies,

Can't believe the 9ers have that fucker.

Worst Aesthetic in the NFL @ Commies

With the Bad Man gone far, far away in some remote location on his megayacht, the Washington Commies played with a renewed sense of life. No longer hamstrung by one of the shittiest owners in sports who would make such incredible decisions like selling expired beer to the fans, or committing sex crimes with the cheerleaders in between shit-quality seasons, the Commies came out with a rookie (right?) Quarterback and actually won their first game of the season.

And the loss was most likely welcomed by those garbage, dipshit, Cardinals.

Fuck I hate the Cardinals' aesthetic. Watching their games is fucking painful on the eyes.

Ramses @ Seapigeons

Death.
Taxes.
Rams over Seahawks.

Iggles @ Greatriots

Welp. That sucked. Tough to spot a team 16 fucking points in the first quarter and then come back and win. At least,, not without Tom Terrific slingin the pigskin.

Mediocre Mac Jones couldn't get it done with the GOAT in the stands, and boy oh boy, that was a kick in the fuckin nuts.

I could go on, but I don't wanna because I'm a pathetic loser who can't stand watching his favorite team embarrass themselves on opening weekend. Also I'm a stupid moron with a big butt and my butt smells and,,, I like to kiss my own butt.

Lolphins @ Charge

For the other 99.9% of football fans let me explain to you what it's like being a Chargers fan. It's like you hired a dominatrix for the evening to edge you the height of sexual pleasure. The moment you can feel the sweet release coming, she instead stomps her stiletto heel into your ball sack. You start screaming the safe word, but she just leaves the heel in place until all pleasure is gone. Then you wrap your bloody sack in your LaDainian Tomlinson jersey and are reminded once again he wasn't selected to the NFL 100 team. You cry yourself to sleep and prepare your body to do this again next week.

RRRRRRRRRAIDERS @ Donkeys

Pack pack pack @ Brrrs

The Bears may end up being just fine this season, but god damn this Packers/Bears dynamic is fucking brutal.

Big ol' D @ Giants

This fuckin game was a god damn war crime. What the shit.

Before it even started, I knew it was going to fucking suck ass - I hate watching Giants games. And no, it's not because they bested my Greatriots twice in the Super Bowl (although that definitely didn't help), it's because growing up if there wasn't a fucking Patriots game on TV, there was a fucking god damn piece of shit Giants game on. Before the Greatriots showed up, New England was Giant Country in terms of media market and it's why we have a bunch of old piece of shit Giants fans all over the fucking place.

Dave Brown.
Danny Kanell.
Kent Graham.
Kerry Collins.

Fucking god damn boring shit.

But bringing it back to 2023,

Boy I Love Losing Superbowls vs. Just Enough To Survive

Four snaps into the 2023 season and ... Rodgers is out?. For the season.

RECAPPIN TIME

L 94.52 (0-1) The Impossible Kid

W 106.14 (1-0) The Scallywags

If it weren't for bad luck, some would say that The Impossible Kid wouldn't have any luck at all. Jakobi Meyers riding the bench would have easily earned that first W of the season - but instead that Tea Baggins fucker couldn't run a route if you gave him a map.

Despite all of that, I guess The Impossible Kid has his quarter back in [checks notes] BAKER MAYFIELD!?!? Yee gods, man because I fucking KNOW Trey Lance ain't seein' no field anytime soon.

I'm kinda shocked, The Scallywags was able to rely on the incredible gun-slinginess of .. MAC JONES?? And that helped offset the complete uselessness of Drake London, a player who seriously ruined so many fucking people's lineups it's remarkable. At least the big bad Londoner can't hurt him anymore since Addison and even Michael Thomas could serve as solid replacememnts moving forward.

Which obviously means that Drake London will 100% go off for like 20+ points the week that The Scallywags puts him on the bench - so keep that in mind for all of you that play in multiple leagues! Get ready to start that deadbeat motherfucker at a moment's notice!

L 113.84 (0-1) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W 128.82 (1-0) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

I have to say, what an absolutely wild couple of roster situations between these two teams.

First of all, there's fucking six of them between these two teams. These motherfuckers are straight up hording these pigskin tossers.

Second, it was obvious that the lowest two performances were going to come from Josh Allen and Justin Fields. Easily the two least sought after at the position.  You put them right next to Slingin' Sammy Howell, Jordan "in" Love, Brock Purdy "good", and Russell Wilson - it's no doubt on who will come out on top.

Thirdly, is Russell Wilson back? No. Fuckin. Way.

Second first of all, now the mother fuckin' tight end spot - did these guys also have backup tight end players?? Holy fuckin shit. Travis Kelce and Mark Andrews are probably two of the top three tight end acquisitions, and they both ended up contributing fuckall in week one.

AND THESE FUCKERS BOTH ENDED UP TOPPING 110 POINTS.

W 97.70 (1-0) mzarecta

L 86.64 (0-1) Seyton Manning

Speaking of topping triple digits, neither of these teams hit that benchmark - but who the fuck cares as long as someone walks away with that dub. Sure, point tiebreakers exist, but who gives a tablespoon of wet baby shit at this point in the season??

Speaking of giving a shit, holy h*ck Tyreek is insane. From shoving his pregnant girlfriend down some stairs or some shit in college, to slapping the fuck out of old bitches in Florida (his advanced stats like SLAP+ are incredible), to scoring 41.00 fucking points in week one!?!? The fuuuuuck??

Shame that your significant misstep was starting Joey joe joe Burrow and Llamar "someone pooped my pants" Jackson instead of Jimmy GQ.

Well .. that and not having a kicker at all. I don't think having Deon Jackson or Marvin the Martian Mims Jr or Zach Chardonnet was worth having zero production from the kickah.

But that's just me, the kicker lover.

W 115.36 (1-0) Garret Jared Pecker & Putz LLP

L 73.88 (0-1) I Am The Captain Now

OK, now hear me out: I know it wasn't a surprise that I Am The Captain Now's roster might not be the greatest but the man has Cooper Kupp who will eventually return, and my god damn fucking handcuff in Allgeier. Sure, he may need a quarterback, but there's plenty of those fuckers and he definitely has most of our addresses. Not really a problem a couple mailed threats can't solve.

Or Stroud might like .. not suck. I doubt it, but hey anything could happen. Even me winning a championship.

Garret Jared Pecker LLC & Epstein or whatever has himself quite the squad, and hasn't even reached his final form with Karamo and Bill Murray still a couple weeks away from joining the fray.

And who saw TuAnon rising?

One thing I'm kinda surprised about, is that Jaromyr "Jagr" Gibbs apparently kinda sucks for Detroit. THEY PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE KEPT DeANDRE FUCKING SWIFT AND MAYBE I WOULDN'T BE KICKING MYSELF IN THE FUCKING BUTTHOLE FOR KEEPING HIM.

W 95.30 (1-0) 91 Shrimp

L 83.86 (0-1) Flip Flops & Coronas

Wow. What a fucking comeback. Now, I know Flip Flops & Coronas has to be kicking himself in the grundle for this loss. He basically had it because how the fuck could Aaron Rodgers not score ~12-13 points?

WELP.

Now hear me out: I know this is brutally frustrating, and it literally cost you a win in week one, but come on, how on Earth can you not find this god damn hilarious!? I mean, of course this would happen to the Jets. OF COURSE this would happen to the Jets.

Oh man, the complete comedy aside, what the fuck - this Flip Flops team is god damn loaded!

Even without Aaron available no more, this motherfucker has Waddle, Chase, Chubb, Mixon?? Then you apparently have a replacement QB in Richardson! Even the sex pest is back to decently prime form? Holy shit. That's terrifying.

All that said, 91 Shrimp got the win. He didn't do anything super special, kept things modest, and he's got no gaping holes anywhere on that roster. I know this is a fucking weak recap of the week for the actual winner, but fuck it - it's getting later and later and I got nothing.

L 125.80 (0-1) Neon Dion DeSantis

W 143.30 (1-0) Matural Light

This stupid fucking hobby. Mother. Fucking. Stupid. Fantasy football. What the fuck. I finally have a roster that I'm actually pretty fucking proud about, and this mother fucker just goes ahead and,

A. fucks my entire world up from just his starting defense.
B. that same fucking idiot defense happened to be going against my starting quarterback.

I was fucking begging Danny Dimes Dipshit to do something, anything to get me some points and stifle that Dallas defense, but that asshole couldn't fucking do anything. He just sat back there and got himself completely pummelled play after play after play. I was absolutely dominating the points output this week, but none of it mattered once Sunday Night Football hit.

Fucking Fantastical Football.

...

See all you fuckers in week two!

Fin.

And here we are, once again.

Hope week one was an entertaining venture for all - whether you watched every single fucking game, had to follow along via phone notifications, or being somewhere in between.

Excited for week two, especially since I nabbed the two waiver wire pickups I thought I had originally drafted (I'm in too many leagues, methinks).

Good luck out there, and hope everyone gets to enjoy the waning days of summer. I know I'm not because MY AIR CONDITIONER STILL DOESN'T FUCKING WORK AND SLEEPING IN AN 80 DEGREE ROOM IS FUCKING AWFUL. FUCKING GOD OF THUNDER.

Love you guys!