NFL stuffs

So like,,, I'm writing this as of approximately [checks watch] 6:41 am sooooooo... yeah.

You ain't gettin' SHIT. Maybe next week when I have fewer matchups to cover.

..

Oh who am I kidding, I can at least post a handful of bullshit memery I've collected.

NFC South

What a dogshit division, good fuckin god.

Speaking of dogshit quality NFL stuff

Thoughts and prayers for anyone cursed with that game on TV.

How about that Chiefs ending huh?

Wild shit.

Something something something Bills 9/11

You know, at first I didn't believe that news story about Sean McDermott's speech about communication and using the 9/11 hijackers as an example.

But I'm glad it's real because it proves AI doesn't stand a fucking chance in this World.

🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌 AYOOOOOOO 🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌

🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌

🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌🤌

End of Regulation

Time for the postseason you motherfuckers.

And unlike last year, I found some extra time to put together this year's Playoff bracket:

https://i.imgur.com/eZjwF7E.png

Print it out, mark it up, enjoy it fully!

L - (7-7) SCHWAAAAAAAAAAB

W - (10-4) Seyton Manning

What a fuckin rollercoaster of a god damn matchup. It came down to Monday Night, and a heroic performance from Tyreek "Willis Reed" Hill's wife in demanding Tyreek return to the game and secure the number one seed for Seyton Manning,

“When it happened, like my first reaction was like, man, my ankle is gone,” Tyreek Hill said, via Marcel Louis-Jacques of ESPN. “My adrenaline kicked in, I ran off the field, then I sat for a while and it got stiff and I was going through a lot of pain. Then I just made up in my mind, I came in at halftime, I texted my wife, I was like, ‘This st hurt.' I need an ankle massage tonight, and she's like, ‘You'd better get your ass back in that game, dawg.' I was like, ‘All right.' … So I just made up my mind that it's going to hurt. It's going to suck. Tonight and tomorrow morning. I just went back in the game on my own, without anybody saying, ‘Reek, go.' It was like, no, fk this, I've got to get out there and bring some energy and be that spark.”

Source

Incredible resolve, seeing how badly Mustard was absolutely gashing his team, and how Barkley just wasn't able to withstand the onslaught enough to keep that win secured, and just will that injury out of him like he's Keyzer Söze.

Some would say the dueling Monday Night games made for an incredible evening, I'd argue it was more of a Trio than a Pair.

Seyton completes his incredible regular season run, earning himself a bye-week, and while I'm sure it was a swift Dicker Kick to the dick to have to start a kicker when he didn't actually need to whatsoever, it's a giant sigh of relief. Plus holy shit, both teams continue their torrid scoring pace. I would not be surprised if they faced each other down the line in this year's postseason.

L - (4-10) I Am The Captain Now

W - (10-4) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

In what ended up being a giant moral victory over Seyton Manning, Eks Gone Give it to Ya pulls out a dominating win with his Kicker spot barren. Something he can now hold over Mr. Manning until they most likely battle one another again (Seyton owns the season record 1-0).

Of course, while the moral victory is always nice and worth some shit talking points, what is worth infinitely more is fuckin money, which Eks lost out on due to his dropping from the number one seed.

Now, the second seed and that second bye-week carries value that we can't really calculate without hindsight, but hey, that's a sort of moral victory.

Wow. Given all these moral victories and the actually matchup victory, Eks Gone Give it to Ya earned himself a 3-win week. Can't tell you the last time this achievement was achieved.

On the other side of the coin, I Am The ChatGPTain Now's season has come to a merciful end. One filled with a shoestring budget draft that actually gave him an incredible 3-2 start to the season may have crashed and burned, but at least he didn't spend his entire waiver wire budget on fucking Kendrick Bourne and Darnell Mooney...

L - (4-10) Flip Flops & Coronas

W - (7-7) The Scallywags

The Scallywags got himself fuckin inoculated for the postseason thanks to J&J, care of two Ohio backups Joe and Jake.

AND THEY DIDN'T FUCKIN SUCK, EITHER. I'm so jealous, holy shit. Dude's gettin near 50 points from Flacco and Browning while my dumb ass kept cycling through NY Giants backups and the non-DTR Browns QB. Armed with Deebo, McCaffrey, and the living embodiment of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in London, this motherfucker may just be the silent killer of the playoffs.

Some say that Flip Flops & IRonas can't buy a break, when in reality he shouldn't because he gets them for fucking free. He's gotten so many, in fact that he has fucking run out of IR spots for his players - AND THEY ARE GOOD QUALITY PLAYERS:

• Christian Kirk
• Deshaun Watson
• Anthony Richardson
• Nick Chubb
• Aaron Rodgers

Holy shit. There have been so many others that have gone Out and returned as well. Truly remarkable.

W - (7-7) Inglebert Paratestes

L - (7-7) Matural Light

What a heartbreak of a week for Inglebert Paratestes (and for this guy (me), I always enjoy working on my artistic interpretation of these team names - and this one would have been exclusively created using my non-work computer and incognito mode):

He got the help he needed (YOU'RE WELCOME) but because The Scallywags completely and utterly shitpumped his matchup, he leap-frogged Inglebert's Points For totals to win the tiebreaker,

1688.48 points to 1672.14 points

I'm frankly not sure I've ever seen such a fucking move. Truly remarkable.

Thus marks the end of Inglebert Paratestes

The duality of fantasy football. One man's win is another man's loss. Truly a lesson that lends itself to life, where I'd hate to meet all those losers for us to be such Kings and Winners.

PS. What a fucking silly season with how many 7-7 teams we have. I bet if you averaged all the wins and losses together from all of our teams we'd end up with a completely balanced, .500 result of 7-7

PPS. Matural Light makes the 'yoffs. Congratulation! Hopefully I'll have some more shit to say about that next week. I feel like I've been giving you a media blackout as of late - totally not intentional. I'd probably just call me lazy.

W - (10-4) 91 Shrimp

L - (6-8) mzarecta

Oh shit. There's a third 10-win team. Look at that!

Sure, 91 Shrimp is just third out of the three 10-win teams, but ended the season almost as strongly as the BEAST that is Seyton Manning by going 7-1 over his last 8 games, including a four-game win streak.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, mza ... good god, my man. Five losses in a row, and going 2-7 over your last 9 is god damn brutal. You were hanging onto that final playoff spot by a fucking thread, but at last you finished above me. So while you don't get to survive into the postseason, you avoid the humiliation of being worse than my dumb ass.

Really, you suffered from the very same affliction my loving wife suffered from: Trusting that god damn Bitchass, Patrick Mahomes.

Absolutely fuckin shameful season by that dick.

He topped 30 points only once, and topped 25 only twice. Since week 8, he's had fucking six weeks scoring fewer than 20 points, and that includes a god damn Bye week (aka. only a single week scoring more than 20).

W - (5-9) Neon Dion DeSantis

L - (7-7) The Impossible Kid

WITH A WIN IN THE FINAL WEEK OF THE REGULAR SEASON, THIS COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE WON HIMSELF:

All The Impossible Kid had to do was fuckin win and he was win. That's it. Within that win, he'd have to at the very least score enough points to ensure that no one leap-frogged his Points For total, and thusly ruin his postseason chances.

..and .. well .. we all know what happened because I spoiled that fuckin surprise in a previous matchup summary.

There's a part of me that wants to legitimately apologize for being so fucking awesome and capturing my 5th win of the season and spoil the end of someone else's regular season run to the playoffs,,, but I literally just shat that part of me out into the toilet. Must have been that bacon wrapped steak I had earlier today making me feel off.

In reality, I've been dancing since Tuesday morning, spreading the news of my victory like,,,

It was a brutal fucking season where I didn't even capture my first win until week 6. This is a stupid fucking hobby and I absolutely love how much I fucking hate how bad I am at it.

But to capture 3 wins in the final four weeks fuckin' rules. It was an outstanding way to end and really, maybe Belichick should take note if he wants to save his fuckin job for the Patriots. Give me an offer, Bill.

Because I'd god damn decline because the last thing the Patriots need to do is win fucking games. Fuck that.

Fin.

Oh my Gosh. What do we have left? Like 3 more weeks? God damn, where does the time go? It's been a fuckin fun season this year and I'm really excited by the fact that I didn't have to take any bye weeks, so my Iron-Man streak begins anew and carried me throughout a full season.

But 2023 ain't over yet. We still got time to cherish our moments together, and I want to get this wholesome circlejerk started by lettin y'all know I can't possibly stress enough how much I appreciate you making it this far in each of these columns. It's positively a joy to write these, and the amount of catharsis I get to experience by just turning off reality and cookin' with text is just ..

Well. It's just great.

And of course: Hope everyone's enjoying the happiest of holiday seasons!

That's right. It's a double-feature this week!

Oh fuck it, WE'RE GOING THREE-WIDE TODAY.

Much love to you all, my dudes.