Joe Throwgan

Yeah. I ain't got shit to bitch about.

Well .. I have plenty on the list:

• Rock n Jock sports
• Dude you're getting Odell
• Kyrie > Q'Aaron
• How much you all rule

But do I have the capacity to write it down?

GAMES

ATLIENS @ NO

Is this that Saintsy/Falconsy game I've heard so much about?

What started as a letdown by the Saints ended up being a great close game with a bit of redemption for Matt Ryan and them Falcons. They actually won a comeback.

DEN @ DAL

Dak's back!
Oh shit!

Last time the Cowboys defeated the Broncos, we had Aikman and Elway in the league and it was 1995. How does a team named the Cowboys have trouble with some dumb horsey team??

This game wasn't even fuckin close. Them Boys hit 200-yards of offense with 5 minutes left .. in the fucking fourth quarter.

NE @ CAR

🚨 NSFW 🚨

Pure.

Sex.

The dogs were barking and the Patriots won their game on the road in Carolina.

New England not only gained on the AFC East crown, but they also happened to climb the ladder on most of the AFC.

Fuck if I know my survivor, but Patriots fans are that guy. AFC East and rest of AFC are the two women.

OK, now that I'm done explaining and thereby ruining the joke, let's talk about how The Darnold may have finally been absolutely broken by Belichick? The Chin Man started out hot going 3-0 but since he's been fuckin up left and right, and this reunion with the Haunted Hoodie and his ghosts,

It was a pleasantly boring game, really. And I kinda, sorta, loved it. Let's fuckin go.

MIN @ BAL

First half Vikings + second half Ravens = 2004 Patriots (aka Greatest Team of All Time)

I didn't really catch much of this game, but it sounds like Minnesota may just have crushed their fans' hearts once again. A major hint was someone trying to describe their thoughts on being a Vikings fan:

I imagine being a Vikings fan is a lot like being a Jets fan except they're burdened with the curse of hope.

NFC North teams defeated by a game winning Justin Tucker field goal:
Detroit Lions
Minnesota Vikings
Chicago Bears (11/21)
Green Bay Packers (12/19)

CLE @ CIN

DPJ dad gonna post an 11-minute video after this one

Baker Mayfield literally visited Cincinatti and just went to fucking town on the Dolly Parton Towers. Absolutely fucked the bajeesus out of that city.

Now. I don't think Odell is a bad NFL player. I think he's pretty fuckin good at running routes, catching the ball, and I'm pretty sure he's peppered a couple passes here and there .. of course, so much of it was so fucking long ago.

And as someone that carries Mr. Beckham Jr. on their keeper league roster, he's been a god damn waste of funds for a couple seasons now.

I don't understand what the fuck is the dude's problem with his own teammates. I feel like players do actually enjoy him, but when game time comes, he just doesn't have the discipline to follow a structured gameplan.

I just fucking hope he goes to a team that he wants to play for. He's really fucking fun to watch when he's absolutely murdering defenses.

BUF @ JAX

Josh Allen on Josh Allen crime.

The mic'd up is very entertaining:

HOU @ MIA

Please. Please don't make me do this.

There were nine combined turnovers.
4 fumbles.
5 interceptions.

Good fucking God, sorry a sorry display of what these two teams assume "NFL Quality" means,

OAK @ NYFG

Sure, there's a bit of a rivalry with the Patriots .. and that whole kerfuffle with Jack "choke on some dickbag, you dickbag" Tatum paralyzing Darryl Stingley ,, then apologizing for a book. Yeah, that's right, I have the power of the column.

So yeah, along with the family of Tina Tintor (& Max), https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-for-tina-tintor-max?qid=e9536a6c950d18c1589ec32ef54e799a

I also feel for the organization. On the heels of the realization that their head coach was anything but Raider material (being a racist, mysoginistic, homophobic, piece of shit), their young star receiver murders a woman and her dog because of a DUI, and then another young cornerback completes his downward spiral by threatening people with weapons.

Hope the locker room has each other's backs, the team has counselors available for those who need it, and ultimately they can find something or someone to rally around.

Going back to that link above - it's remarkable to see the outpouring of support. If anyone feels compelled, it's still active and it is the legitimate gofundme for the victim and her pup.

Now, as far as football .. I truly have nooooo fucking clue what happened with this game. For all I know the Raiders won and the team has found its true leader in the Mascara'd Carr (I can never remember if it's Derek or David or what).

But if the Giants won, I guess Joe Judge earned himself another week of suicides, oklahoma drills, and lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap after lap of running.

SDC @ PHI

Let's see what I have in my notes for this game,,,

Yeeaaaaah...

GB @ KC

Hahahaha, fucking Q'Aaron. My only regret is that this shit didn't hit the fan any earlier than it did. I could have been on top of all the gaht dang memery, putting all of you in a better situation

Well, let's take to the interwebs to see how some fans thought the game went,

Mmmmmm.. hmmm..

ARI @ SF

I don't understand the 49ers. They seemed to be consistently good, occasionally great, capable of making runs deep into the playoffs, and recently appeared to be trending upwards.

It's almost like Mahomes absolutely broke the SF 49ers when they played in the Super Bowl. It's like this team can't do anything well.

'Zona on the other hand, is missing literally every single offensive skill position and needed to suit up the entire practice squad to even get half of their OLine in uniform. Absolutely incredible that Kurt Warner signed a 3-hour contract to play QB, and his wife Gozer the Gozerian able to play some receiver.

CHI @ PIT

What a game by Josh Fields, and did you know that Najee Harris grew up in a hole in the ground to become a college janitor who solved some crazy unsolvable math problem during the combine? Fuckin' wild.

Oh, and NFL refs are pure fuckin traysh.

What the fuck??

Recapses

L - 91.30 (4-5) The Scallywags

W - 138.72 (6-3) Matural Light

I know I already bitched and moaned about this last week, but The Scallywags' bench looks like a fucking murder scene,

What even happened there??

Even more of a murder scene were the dual QB threats that Matural Light had to offer. Or something I don't fucking know. And this Freiermuth guy, what the fuck is this 18.80 point bullshit? He better not fucking get good because his name is tougher to type out that most of the team names.

L - 92.34 (4-5) Chubb and Tug

W - 97.06 (4-5) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

A whole lotta oof to go around in this matchup for Chubb and Tug. Like,,

And yes, I know I hate playing the "If I Only Started ______" game, but with this is totally legitimate because Trinidad started his most optimal lineup.

A couple different moves woulda brought you a win, and I'm only mentioning it again because I lost and I'm super fucking bitter about it.

And holy shit, 20 points from New England. That's fuckin wild.

L - 102.06 (6-3) I Am The Captain Now

W - 103.86 (5-4) mza

Holy shit. What the fuck is mza pulling right now? He's got the longest winning-streak in the league with three straight, and he's pulling out some crazy butt-clenching victories despite having a struggling Patty Mahomes.

It's kind of fuckin crazy how much trouble this SUPERFLEX position seems to be giving everyone. There isn't nearly enough Quarterbacks to go around for everyone to have two quality starters, and with franchise stud running back going the way of the dinosaur, it's tough getting some consistent point output from certain positions.

It's made the whole fuckin league a lot of fun. Can't wait to get rid of kickers and upgrade the roster spot to the SUPERDUPERFLEX position.

And obviously, we add punters.

..

What the fuck was I talking about? Man, that happens a lot during these columns.

L - 72.30 (2-7) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 142.92 (4-5) Seyton Manning

Ahh yes, my saving grace, SCHWAAAAAAAB the merciful.

Straight away, it definitely is lookin' like Josh Allen ain't got it this fantasy season. I can't believe that team lost 6-9 to the fucking Jaguars. Absolutely mental.

Seyton. I see your 3x 30-point showings. It's just a shame that only 2/3 were in the starting lineup. Not that it ultimately mattered in the slightest, but yeah, it woulda been preeeeeetty cool.

L - 104.70 (4-5) 91 Shrimp

W - 120.48 (7-2) The Impossible Kid

HOW DID THIS MAD MAN PULL IT OFF? WAS IT A GINGER CONNCETION? WAS IT PURE GRIT AND DETERMINATION? WAS IT BECAUSE A DUDE HAS ANUS IN HIS NAME? NO ONE CAN TRULY BE THAT SURE BUT ALL WE KNOW IS THAT NO ONE SHOULD GET IN THE WAY OF THIS RUNAWAY TRAIN.

Decent showing, 91 Shrimp. Really. Well. Kinda.

Maybe not. I guess it was OK. Mostly.

I suppose according to Yahoo 91 Shrimp really underperformed his predictions. That just informs me that Yahoo doesn't know shit about anything. Those fuckers.

L - 84.52 (3-6) Spider 2 Y U do this

W - 118.32 (5-4) Flip Flops & Coronas

This was probably the saddest week of Fantasy Football I've ever fuckin played. I completely fuck up and drop Justin Fields for some reason (pretty sure I meant to do that to Jared Goff because it was his bye but whatever) to pick up .. I don't even know. I actually fucking started Sammy "In a fuckin Cult" Watkins.

My waiver attempts at getting a defense/kicker also failed so I didn't get any fuckkin points from there either. All things considered, I'm actually kind of surprised I even topped 80 points. It was truly thanks to a herculean effort by Mixon and Mooney. I can't fucking believe I dropped Fields.

But yeah, great gameplan Flip Flops. You knew you just had to not make mistakes and you'd eventually outlast my short-handed team. Truly a mastermind of the Yahoo lineup.

Fin.

Take care this week you fuckers. Stay healthy, stay safe, stay cool, and stay composed. Much love and enjoy the downward spiral into Winter!