Leaded Gasoline Has Destroyed This Once Great Nation

Enemy of the State

Yo. This Brett Favre thing is fucking wild. He's quite possibly the shittiest, scummiest, most disgusting thing that's ever come out of Mississippi: and that state has literal poop-coffee coming from faucets in Jackson.

Before jumping into any more, here's an in-depth article from Mississippi Today.

tl;dr - Mr. Wrangler Crocs literally stole $5 million from the state welfare program to help get his daughter get into college. And he hopes that it never becomes public.

The fuck??

Then again, what else would we expect from the same slimebag that literally sexually assaulted a woman, and she got fired for coming forward. Brett got some absolutely pathetic $50,000 fine or something.

This piece of shit looted a program that helps the most vulnerable people and has shown no fucking remorse. Nothing less of Favre being completely destitute would be a complete miscarriage of justice. I want the Court of Public Opinion to issue the death penalty.

Every time I read another story about yet another dipshit who's had the World wrapped around their finger ever since they stood out at athletics, it just makes me more in awe of LeBron James. Dude has had a national spotlight on him ever since he was a fuckin fetus floating around inside his mama. And what did we ever get for controversy?

• Throwing a headband that one game?
• Cramping up during the Finals?
• The Decision (which honestly gets way more hate than it deserves)?
• Saying Daryl Morey was 'misinformed' about Hong Kong (frankly, it's my top choice)?
• That time he showed the nation his dick? (hehe)

If the biggest gripes are more related to on-the-court shit, then that's incredible.

Oh wait .. how could I forget this photograph:

Rate my setup

So I've officially qualified for Dipshit Millennial Suburbanite by meeting the following minimum requirements:

[✔️] refer to pets as our kids
[✔️] have at least one video game save that is older than a coworker
[✔️] own a peloton (model doesn't matter)
[    ] include a "y" in child's name despite it not needing one whatsoever
[    ]  own a luxury pickup (I never want to see those two words next to each other)
[❔] have coordinated family Holiday sweaters

So I was excited to use my setup for the first half of the late games (can you find all the screens?):

By week 4, I'm hoping to have a game streaming to the device!

Favorite Content of the Week

Danny DeVito talking about It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Joe's History Corner

Welcome one, welcome all! For the first time ever I'm going to introduce an educational aspect to these things!

Why am I doing this? Easy: I came across a new content creator and this was my excuse to shoehorn their content into the column.

I find the humor fun. The pace great. The topics interesting. With any luck, you'll find some you enjoy as well.

Week Two Games

Chargers @ Chefs

I didn't pay too much attention to this game. Not sure exactly why, but it is what it is. Hopefully it wasn't an interesting game or anything - probably wasn't, does anyone of consequence actually play for either of these teams?

Check.  
Mate.

Patriots @ Steeeeers

This fucking game. Started off with me yelling at the god damn TV in record-breaking time. The fuck was that near-safety .. touchdown .. or whatever at the fucking beginning of the god damn game??

Have to credit the Steeers: they have a fine tradition of crowd-chantable Tight End names. This one is creative: Freiermuth turns into "MOOOTH". Innovative!

Something I noticed: Jakobi Meyers seriously feels like his stats on 3rd down are something like, 10 targets, 7 catches, 1 first down.

Let's catch up on some other Patriots players, in this case, our rookie Cole.
Current Strange status: Nice.

And while I miss that Polak, Olszewski, I'm a much bigger fan of him after he got Schooled,

Dolph vs. Rave

Bateman is good.
Llamar is betta.
Huge plays from the Ravens.
How did baldimore lose?

Anyone who owns a hardware store in the Miami-Dade area: stock the fuck up on wheelbarrows. They goin' Randy Marsh down there.

Jes vs. Bro

Shit was on Redzone a lot. And frankly, I enjoyed every moment of it. Was a fucking crazy feeling to root against a member of the Wolfpack in, Jacoby Briskett, but I couldn't let that god damn shitbag of a Quarterback come back with any more free wins.

Fuck I hate rooting against Jacoby, not sure if I had mentioned that.

So yeah. Let's go Jets!

And go, THEY DID:

Hahahaha, get fucked Browns.

Yeah. I get that the Muni Parking Lot literally lives off of shit like that, but god damn. What the fuck.

Probably a bunch of drunk and aggressively belligerent polaks. God damn we can be such thundering shitheads about the most trivial things. Oh well, they can fuck themselves and just hold that L.

Commies vs. Lions

Big fan of A. St. Brown as a name. Crazy shit to type out, and very entertaining and unique one to read on the cryon.

Sooooo. The Lions are now offensive juggernauts? Fuckin sweet.

Now excuse me, time to listen to Dantera talk,

Buccos vs. Saints

Jameis has 4 fractures in his back. It is week 2. What the fuck.

We'll never truly get to experience the fullest might and potential from Jameis if he's got fucking fractures in his fucking back, and Mr. Winston is truly what puts the butts in the seats and the tiddies on the board.

But at least we got to experience a pissed-the-fuck-off Brady:

I love his form on this toss - and no, I'm not joking. Just look at his opposite hand positioning. That tablet could have easily spent 30-yards in the air, perfectly placed in the hands of a streaking Gronk.

We also got a sweeeeet battle between Evans and Lattimore (audience won, both were ejected):

Big ups to Evans for standing up for his QB. Love that shit.

Panthers vs. Gints

I purposefully benched Baker in one (or more?) of my leagues simply so I didn't have to pay attention to this game.

[JOE: Oh fuck, I didn't save my roster. FUUUUCK.]

Lolts vs. Jags

Colts are so fucking bad.

Matt Ryan: Done.

To give the Jags their due, apparently they're 8-0 in their last 8 home games (since 2014) vs. the Colts. Fucking incredible. Especially when you realize how fucking trash the Jags have been during that stretch, including a 1-15 season.

Seahawks vs. 9ers

RIP Trey Lance. Good fuckin lord. I didn't catch the actual injury, but I saw the aftermath where Lance on the ground had his feet pointing at opposite sidelines - like his ankles were doing an impression of Sloth's eyes.

I've actually received a very rare photo of crowd reactions to Trey's sloth legs,

Incredible stuff. My guess is Rihanna drafted Jimmy GQ in some late round or cost only $1. Good for her, she seems to be the only one having a good time.

Falcons vs. Rams

I can finally confirm from visual evidence: Cam Akers is alive.

I can also confirm: Mariota is also alive! And he starts for the Falcons!

I can not confirm that Kyle Pitts is a real player. All calls made to Atlanta Falcons have them neither confirming not denying the existence of Kyle Pitts either - they can not account for his presence on the field on Sundays.

Cards vs. Raid

Definitely wish I had this game on instead of the Falcons/Rams. I also have zero notes until the literal end of the game:

The delay of game penalty on the game-deciding 2-PT conversion was frankly the right call to make. You ain't running it at the 2-yard line, and all this does is buy your receivers just a bit more space to make their move.

And what a fuckin catch by AJ Green. Absolutely spectacular. One of the best plays I've ever fuckin seen.

I still can't fuckin believe it,

Yeah that's right, I literally shared two sources for the same video. I go the extra length to verify and confirm my sources. You can rest easy knowing that every single video, article, and photo I share is 100% legitimate and truthful.

Texans vs. Brocons

So the score was 9-6 with 5 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. Pure fucking trash. Shit, Denver actually tied the game but a delay of game penalty (HOW DO YOU GET THAT ON A FIELD GOAL) led to losing the points and having them punt.

The best part of the entire game was a contextless quote I wrote down:

"Texans with the lazarus special!"

Fuck off Broncos, you suck shit. Go cheat the salary cap for your best chance at a Super Bowl, you donkey-faced fucks.

Benglols vs Cowboys

Let's just start off with the facts: Brutal fucking loss for the Bengals, who for the first 3.5 quarters really dialed back the clock to their Bungle roots, but then dragged their god damn clinging-to-life corpses back ...

Only the fuckin lose it to some random white at quarterback.

Something I noticed: Ezekiel Elliott isn't number 20. That is, in fact, Mr. Pollard. My question happens to be: Where the fuck is Ezekiel?

Bears vs. Pack

Watched about one quarter before I got the fuck away from this shit and got caught up on Big Brother and House of the Dragon.

Tits at Bills

Jesus Christ man. I am not a fan of the fact that the Patriots have to play two fucking games against this Bills team.

However, I am a fan of the fact that the Dolphins and Jets have to play two games each against this Bills team.

What a fuckin stacked team. On defense, offense, special teams .. they have a franchise QB who isn't a piece of shit (as far as we know), they have an incredible fanbase and fun bandwagon to ride on, they better fucking win a Super Bowl in the next couple of seasons or the Bills may never ever see the Lombardi in Buffalo ever-ever.

Vikes at Eegs

I'm only human. Fuck this fuckin game. I ain't watchin it.

No. Not because I'm tired, but because I'm too busy struggling to contact this particular individual:

It's not often that you find someone that emits the alpha chad energy not seen since time travel SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED man:

I NEED HELP.

Week 2 Recaps!

W - 92.70 (1-1) The Impossible Kid

L - 91.10 (0-2) Matural Light

I tried to get a head start on these columns by writing a bunch of shit during the two Monday Night Football games, but I can't fucking make any sort of grand declarations because a bunch of the fucking matchups are still too close to fucking call.

The FUCK, guys?? I blame Matural Light - why the fuck did you not start Pollard and Harris over the absolute shlubs in Williams & Connor?? For shame.

I guess I'll just put a pin in this one and come back, just in case we see any offensive explosions from

[checks notes]

Kirk Cousins or Ryan Tanneyhill ....

Ugh. Fucking finally. Matchup is ended and now to see how the slugfest between Cousins and Tanneyhill went. And I'm completely fucking shocked, shocked that Cousins outscored Ryan... but The Impossible Kid still won. Man, this shit doesn't make any fucking sense.

L - 111.70 (1-1) The Dakstreet Boys

W - 148.34 (2-0) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

I have nothing but appreciation for Saint Dumbledong. I thank you for building up such a god damn lead that it doesn't even matter that, that motherfucker Gabe Davis didn't even play today! Of course, we could see Mr. Jefferson going god damn off because it's a classy thing to do.

Great all-around miracle performance with that Equitittious Saintly lineup. Just double digits up and down that fucking roster. I hate how easy you make it look.

And I hate that with Justin Jefferson, Dakstreet could come back.

Fucking talent-laden rosters.

You make me sick.

Dakstreet did not come back.

L - 110.34 (0-2) I Am The Captain Now

W - 179.18 (2-0) Seyton Manning

Holy fuck.

It really works out when you have two of the top handful of players that partook in an incredible offensive barn-burner from that Ravens/Dolphins game. 45.62 from Llamar and 38.50 would have narrowly lost to my dipshit roster (84.12 vs. 86.38).

Holy shit - the madman didn't even start a kicker.

If Seyton Manning were a bird, he's be this fucking out of control:

Absolutely fucking incredible. I'm in awe that a 100+ performance (that may easily get to 120+ once the games are complete - it's about 9:32pm EST right now) is going to absolutely mollywhomped.

I'm genuinely curious about what the fuck is up with Wilson. 12.06? Yeah sure, there was a tiddie toss of consequence, but are the Broncos really this shitty around him? That's fucking terrible given that they traded the farm for his quarterbacking services.

Isn't Elway still the GM? Are they seriously good enough to get free agents calling? Don't a lot of veterans really dislike Russell Wilson?

Personally speaking, I generally just hate talking/typing about Russell Wilson because I have yet to discuss him and not have to check how many damn L's are in "Russell."

Cook and Knox were not enough to overcome a 70 point deficit.

W - 173.02 (1-1) SCHWAAAAAAAAAB

L - 168.58 (1-1) Flip Flops & Coerced Sexual Contact

Fucking christ. A game in progress while I'm trying to work. I'm not going to lean one way or another because it simply isn't wise.

But before I move on until the games are over:

CARSON WENTZ WENT FOR 30+???

Yo. What the fuck. I realize that good franchises just have the ball bounce in their favor more often than not. But what the fuck. These franchises are just fantasy teams. And nothing we do has any sort of impact on anything real in any fucking way. How come I'm so fucking god damn jealous of this lucky son of a bitch and his handful of rings and god damn dipshit Wentz tossing a triddy.

Fuckin wild that this loss for Flippy Floppies was the result of Brady/Mixon/Chase all woefully underperforming.

Joedirt did his very best to keep it close - like, he deserves an award for how close it was kept - but it's really fucking hard to overcome Josh Allen.

PS. Nice score from the bench

L - 130.06 (1-1) 91 Shrimp

W - 139.56 (2-0) mzarecta

So. At 9:37PM EST,

Holy god damn, I can't believe you have the slightest chance to actually win. You came in like a million points down. But Diggs is a fucking fantastical beast. It's holy fucking cinnamon toast buckets.

WAS THE COMEBACK COMPLETED??

The 91 Shrimp comeback fell sort by less than 10 points - 9.5 exactly, actually. Hurt and Diggs did everything humanly possible to drag those broken shrimp into contention, but sadly a. brown just couldn't a win for a white.

Not to point fingers, but I'm fairly sure that me writing this column before the MNF games were concluded put the jinx on anyone that lost to a comeback .. also put a jinx on all the comebacks that didn't work out.

L - 86.38 (0-2) Spider 2 Y U do this

W - 86.98 (1-1) The Scallywags

This stupid fucking hobby.

Losing by 0.6 fucking points after leaving so many great performances there. Like, what the fuck why did I bench Gesicki?? Metcalf is obviously a failed fucking experiment. Thank God for Bateman and Swift, but holy fuck my players suck shit as usual. I can't get a cohesive output from these fuckers to save my god damn life.

That said, after thinking about my numerous missteps and it only being week 2, I can't help but remain confidently optimistic. And why? Because of a simple comic:

I mean. I'm fucked. But whatever, right? This isn't everything, right??

Yeah yeah yeah, good job to The Scallywags. Solid job going against me this week, you earned that win by literally just waiting for me to do something so fucking stupid it would directly cost me a win. And wouldn't luck have it, I did several things.

FUCK.

Fin.

Hey! Week two is in the books, and I'm just going to get in front of the news that I am gonna be gone - as in out of the fuckin country - for .. oh shit ..

OH SHIT.

two fucking sundays

Oof. I know that I've always tried to bring you the highest quality of posts, even during international travel (..remember that weird one where I had a comic for each matchup? You do? Please let's never speak of it again..), but this shit is going to be my Honeymoon so that means: you ain't gettin shit.

As much as it pains me to miss out on potentially two weeks of content, I ain't got no gripes, I'm so excited for the trip with my beautiful bride so you'll have to just deal with it.

What I'll miss more will be our little furkids in Cashew and Sophie.

Well, and this: my weekly attempt at human connection. Much love to everyone, I hope the transition to autumn goes splendid for most of us. Don't let that equinox get you down because the rest of the fantasy football season is here to lift you up!

Unless you're the Cowboys. You're pretty fucked.

Much love fellas, can't wait to share some photos and my strong opinions about the French and the connection with cheese.

Oh, and of course some reviews of Grecian island cuisine. Because if I'm nothing else, I'm someone who fucking loves to hear the klakkity-klak of a keyboard.

Take care dudes. I'll be celebrating with my better half, and showing her appreciation for so many things - a couple of which is the patience and encouragement she gives me every week during the NFL season so I can actually spend the several a lot too many hours on this column (she's just the best).