Merry Christmas you filthy animals

What the fuck, imgur

So the free service I totally take advantage of in order to share bullshittery and memery with all you assholes is completely fucking me over right now. I can't upload any videos to it anymore - and as you all know, moving pictures are the future of media. So now I gotta fucking pivot to my alternative: not posting videos because fuck if I'm going to put in any extra effort.

Edit: Ok, I found an alternative.

Darnold exorcises some demons

We had yet another perfect example of Sammy Darnold's late season bed shittery - until he decided that it just wasn't time. So instead, he's fighting for his life to potentially end the season playing zero home games despite 13+ wins (motherfucker won 14 games last season and only earned a wild card).

..but until then, what the fuck and how the fuck???

GO BIRDS

Holy shit, we have a two-time NFC BEast Champion! And it's the least surprising team of them all: The Philly Eagles! Congrats, you fellow Northeast scumbags.

Daaaaaaa Bears.

• Iceman
• Mr. 4th Quarter
• Crazy Caleb

These are all nicknames for the Bears quarterback that will never stick, so please please please stop trying.

That said, I can't help but look at the Bears and smile. I'm psyched to see another sophomore quarterback leading a team run by a first-year coach into the playoffs.

Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bluecows

Did Myles Garrett break the sack record? No.

Sorry man, after 15 games, you can't earn the record

Is he getting all the help he can get? Yes.

That concludes this current portion of the recap.

Charge.

Along with the Jags, the Chargers are one of those teams that everyone expects to absolute shit the bed as the season comes to a close .. and just like Jacksonville, they are absolutely fucking refusing to lose. Fuckin wild shit, and I feel like a lot of that has to be credited to Mr. Try-Hard, Jim Harbaugh.

On a related note: this Dallas team kinda fuckin sucks. I can't believe we'll be cursed to have them play on Christmas.

Actually, the entire Christmas slate looks like it's going to fuckin blow salty vinegar balls. Looks like Grinch Goodell may get his heart ripped out by the NBA this season.

Remember the Titans? No?

Speaking of shitty Christmas games, holy fuck the Chiefs suck. We don't even get the Jort Jesus in Minshew playing since now he tore his ACL.

Hey, at least that whitehouse dipshit's prophecy has come true,

The Chiefs will finally be playing in Kansas

Bengals Squish the Fish

And lookie here, yet another meaningless game outside of fantasy implications. Cincy is dead and gone. Dolphins are fucking dead and gone, and not even starting a QB work naming.

Merry Christmas, Miami!

Shoughbois beat the Jest

The only point in including this game is to steal a joke that I did not originally come up with and use in the title.

9 vs. Jaxson

I'm curious: did people actually choose to sit through this game? What do people in each of the tv markets do? I realize that this game may have been the only one available on television. What would you do?

As much as I'd like to believe I would refuse to watch and instead try to be productive and contribute something positive to the World and my own life - I've watched Scott Zolak, Michael Bishop, and Zappe take snaps for the Patriots.

Buccanoooooooooo!

Y'all remember when the Buccaneers were the toast of the NFC? They were widely considered one of the top 2 or 3 teams in the entire conference.

Then Bucky went down, and it seemed like every single fucking player on that team followed. This Tampa Bay team absolutely blows asshole.

JAGGIN OFF

Yo. What the fuck is going on? The Jaguars are historically disappointing. Trevor Lawrence was the perfect QB for that franchise: mediocre when it mattered. Can toss for a handful of touchdowns in meaningless games, but would make look opponents' defenses appear clutch as fuck by throwing game-changing interceptions. He was a master at ripping losses out of the jaws of victory.

But now??

TLaw has been on fiyah for his last 4 games:

• 1,079 yards (269.75 yard per game)
• 14 total touchdowns (3.5 TDs per game)
• 0 fuckin turnovers (0 turnovers per game)
• 113 Rating (...QB rating? Maybe QBR? I have no idea)

In conclusion, in Jacksville, they are Jaggin' off all over the place - most notably all over the god damn AFC West,

And the Texans have no chance at the division anymore.

..Now, the Chargers and the AFC West? Some are saying there's a chance...

Bird Battle

Yet another complete dumpster fire of a matchup. Cardinals vs Falcons?? No thank you.

But before just moving on, this is such a hilarious demonstration of how fucking mediocre the Falcons organization is: the Falcons, completely out of playoff contention, will play competitive football to the point where no one on their coaching staff will be fired.

Lions are BACK

Rodgers is still a bad, bad man for so much of the NFC North. Holy fuck what in god's name was that game and more importantly - that final drive?? There were like 14 penalties for 145 yards. And then that absolute rug-pull by the ref that would make most crypto bros blush.

Sure, I hate the Steelers like most any other Red-blooded American, but I don't respect their playoff impact. Despite running into each other a handful of times over the last 30 years, the Patriots have won every single fucking time - and that's across several coaches and quarterbacks. Fuck those yinzers, they ain't shit.

Raiders tried, and failed.

I can't believe the Raiders almost pulled one off against the Texans. What kind of failed football franchise could possibly even lose to this complete warcrime of an NFL team? Geno and the Raiders are so fucking bad, and yet they almost pulled it off.

This concludes my analysis

Greatriots Maye be good

Let's just lead off with the obvious:

The Ravens just love giving away late-game wins like candy out the back of a windowless van.

M&T STADIUM USED TO BE A HOUSE OF HORRORS FOR THE PATRIOTS BUT NOT ANYMORE! Those fuckin ratbirds had their playoff chances snipped off like the foreskin of a baby boy.

I'd be 110% lying if I said I had complete and utter faith that New England was going to pull that shit off - the team was infuriurating to watch for so much of that game. Drake Mayeturntheballovaa was kinda dogshit for so much of it by giving up field goals for turnovers. We were losing so many key players to injury, I swear I had to check the Ravens roster to see if Bernard Pollard was out there.

It was getting to the point where my own lovely and amazing wife was getting irritated by my bitchery. No one wants to listen to someone talking about how some scrub with a bad back and weak knees thinks literal millionaire professional athletes who have worked their entire fucking lives to play a sport at a level only matched by 0.00002% of humanity.

So anyway, despite how fucking obnoxious I was, the only thing worse was the brutal lack of discipline the Patriots were displaying.

Those fucking jamokes were going to ruin my weekend and my Christmas if they kept playing like they were. It's bad enough to lose to perhaps the most disappointing Ravens team of the last 15 years, but to also lose to their fucking backup would have been infinitely worse.

Thankfully, that's not what happened because Drake Maye pulled up his big boy britches and dragged that team to an incredible 11-point comeback, tossing two gigantic tiddies and a 2-point conversion. I love Drake Maye, and you should too.

49IRs vs. Clots

There were quite a few playoff implications going on before this game...

And boy, it ended poorly for the Colts. While it was so god damn wholesome seeing Mr Rivers show up,

Bro looking like he about to clock in for his night shift the factory
byu/TXNOGG inNFLv2

But then it had to just kinda go .. well ..

When you give up retirement for a defense that can't stop a cold
byu/OkEscape7558 inNFLv2

Semifinals recap

W - SCHWAAAAAAAAAAB
L - 91 Shrimp

Despite the absolutely abyssmal performance by Mr. Seinfeld (Steinfield? Steinfeld.), SCHWAAAAAAAAAAAB kinda fuckin annhilated 91 Shrimp on his way to the finals thanks to a highly problematic mormon in the form of,

That's right! Mr. Puka Nacua, come on down! You are the new absolutely insane wide receiver of the moment! Sure, DK Metcalf may try to steal your luster, but we all knew that asshole was a dumbass - Puka was relatively silent until very recently when he kinda .. well .. gave away the fact that he's fucking stupid as shit.

In a world with too much toxic masculinity on the internet, it's fucking disappointing as hell to see an up-and-coming superstar hanging out with absolute human armpits in Adin Ross and .. uhh.. whoever that other motherfucker built like a flintstones vitamin is.

Of course, some other stars from the week include George "not so little" Kittle and Sam "bam thank you ma'am" Darnold who appears to not be seeing as many ghosts as he does wins!

91 Shrimp, while not problematic whatsoever, gave up quite a solid fight. Unfortunately, regardless of how badly he Bo'lieved, he just couldn't shake his destiny.

W - Matural Light
L - How's ya mom and dem

The magical run is done.

As quickly as How's ya mom and dem went streaking into the semifinals after earning the 2nd seed, his run has ended. Knocked the fuck out by Matural Light.

And now we have the rematch to end all rematches and complete the Reardon Civil War Trilogy.

We all know how hard it is to defeat another team three times in a single Football season, whether fantasy or professional .. well, except for these instances (since 2000),

I'm also going to extend this to 1999 because I simply can not ignore one of the dirtiest instances when the Jags went 14-2 (remember 16-game seasons?) with their only two losses coming against the Titans. And then, the Jags lost again to the Titans in the AFC Championship. Fucking brutal.

ANYWAY, I'm honestly kind of excited about this grand final. The last matchup was right before Thanksgiving, this is going to start during Christmas. I'm really excited for this fantasy football league to tear apart at least one family during the end of 2025.

Good luck, Reardons. Just remember, it's nothing personal,

Fin.

Welp. It was a nice little trip to Iceland, and despite the pretty good food, incredible views, and absolutely no fucking northern lights (fuck you, clouds), I'm excited to be back to celebrate the holidays with friends and families.

I hope everyone's getting the most out of their fantasy playoffs, and for those of you like me who seems to never find themselves in the postseason, I hope you're enjoying any sort of hate watching you find yourself participating in.

And of course, for all who celebrate in the season, I hope everyone's holidays are fantastic. I hope whatever friends or family you decide to spend time with, is as rewarding as can be - and if it's kind of irritating or some shit, I hope this column serves as a solid break from the chaos while you hide in the bathroom and scroll through the various content I scrounged up.