So I spent so much time coming up with these cryptic matchup titles, I kinda just didn't leave myself enough time to actually troll the information superhighway enough to steal memery and share it here.

Which is probably for the best given that you've all probably seen't the ones worth viewing by now. And if you haven't, then you probably don't enjoy fun anyway.

With that, let's kick this fucker off! Enjoy!

The Battle for the Bears' Draft Pick

Fucking insane to realize that the Panthers will not have their draft pick next year. How does a team as shitty as the Panthers actually fix themselves after losing out on a very, very hard-earned number one draft pick??

That said, I couldn't be happier to see all of this dipshittery take place under the ownership of another one of these asshole hedge fund billionaire shitbags. David Tepper bringing some fucking asshole "disruptor energy" that he probably insisted on his investments and it only led to the stupidest fucking outcome.

Poor Panthers fans are stuck with freebasing any amount of copium they can get their pulled-pork soaked hands on,

And boy, it's fuckin vinegary (or mustardy).

Violations in International Law

I don't want to overreact, but this is literally my reaction to realizing the Patriots still have 7 more fucking games this season,

I think Robert Kraft owes the German Chancellor a hand-written apology after this absolute fucking atrocity of a magnitude unseen since the mid-40s.

Stroud Boys, Stand Down and Stand By

Holy fuckin' hell. Are the Texans going to get a playoff spot!?

Unleashing the Jameis

2 Touchdowns.
2 Interceptions.

If you don't like that, you don't like Jameis Winston football.

PS. What is this fucking Dobbs guy?? If you presented this script to a Hollywood exec, they would literally slit your throat, break your legs, and murder your family.

We have a 23-19

Fuck. This title was too obscure. I already forget which matchup this was supposed to be for.

Will Levis Survive the Season?

This kid has quicker and better hands pulling his pants back up after the backhand, than the entire Titans offensive line when trying to block for Levis.

God Hates Jags

THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD

Deshaun Cosby Doesn't Know When to Stop

Lmao.

And they gave him a guaranteed $230 million contract.

Now the fucker has opted for season-ending surgery.

MW3 So Bad Kyler Studied Game Tape

(Feat: Arthur Smith Master Class)

meh.

Justin Herbert is Detroit Matthew Stafford

The Mercy Rule Should Exist

I can fuckin hear their voices,

YOOOOOOO. TAWMMY FAHKEN DEEEEEEEE TAWSS A TOUCHDOWN AND MOM WILL MAKE US ANUTHAH LASAGNA WHEN WE GET HOME!!!

Washington in Washingon with Washington losing

Looks like Washington earned themselves the win.

Televised Dumpster Fire

lmao fuck the broncos but also, fuck the bills

Lucky 13.

Matchup Recaps

ARE YOU ALL READY FOR THE PEAK OF PERFORMANCE EXCELLENCE? BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS SOME OF THE MATCHUP RECAPS OF ALL-TIME ON A LEVEL SEEN BEFORE.

haha. what.

L (6-4) mzarecta

W (9-1) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

I'm going to lead off this matchup recap by handing it to a guest speaker:

If there's at least one takeaway lesson, it has to come from everyone's favorite one-armed man:

It's criminal to lose because you allowed two fuckin tight ends to start over a very capable running back.

Frankly, it's absolutely terrifying how similar this was to [borat voice] my wife's game this week:

• Patrick Mahomes on bye
• Started two tight ends
• Would have won if they started a benched running back over the tight end

Am ...

Am I married to mza??

Anyway, congrats on the win, #coldbrewGang rise up!

L (4-6) I Am The Captain Now

W (6-4) Matural Light

I really want to shit all over I Am The Captain Now like he's Odell Beckham Jr. chest, but he actually fucking outsored my negligent ass. Holy fuckin' hell. Sometimes I am completely flabbergasted by the point output of teams in this fucking league. Matural Light absolutely fucking crushed ChatGPTain like he was a hard seltzer during the warm-up portion of a Tabata ride.

Actually. That really undersells it.

Matural Light won so handily, that I don't think I have an image in any of my storage mediums that could properly demonstrate how dominant of a win this was.

It's incomprehensible. It's inconceivable. It's the equivalent of the Dallas Cowboy Defense vs. an actual Jersey Fuckboy at quarterback.

L (2-8) Flip Flops & Coronas

W (6-4) Seyton Manning

Every week I wonder which player from Flip Flops is going to end up dead on the IR, and I'm shocked: it wasn't anyone this week. Shit man, he even had an old Texan rise again!

[JOE EDIT: I actually had this written Tuesday evening only to wake up to the news Wednesday morning that all is right in the World and Flip Flops has himself yet another key contributor on the IR. Thank goodness, I was worried that maybe we were entering the End of Days.]

Despite the pretty neato performance by that fuckin rapist (what a string of words yikes), it was for naught because Dak Prescott has continued his absolutely fucking insane run:

All the mockery in the Giants/Cowboys game came at the expense of a certain greaseball, Mr. DeVito but in reality the entire Giants team is a complete fucking dumpster fire. Trust me: I've started their highest paid player.

Shit man, Dak was so fucking incredible he even generously donated a sympathy pick,

L (5-5) Inglebert Paratestes

W (5-5) SCHWAAAAAAAB

Thank fuckin God this didn't have to come down to Josh "The White Brett Favre" Allen, amirite!?!?? Sure he looks great in short-shorts, but can't toss his way out of a web paper bag without slingin' two or three idiotic interceptions.

Even Inglebert's Kamara couldn't stop SCHWAAAAAAAAB from just hanging dong, letting everyone CeeDeez Nuts on the table.

SCHWAAAAAAAAAB didn't even need to start Brandin "remember me? No? OK." Cooks at all.

And I think I did the math correctly,

but despite what looks like some fuckin solid performances on his bench, there ain't no combination that would have had him walk away with the win.

L (6-4) 91 Shrimp

W (5-5) The Impossible Kid

For whatever reason - and every week there's one matchup that is - this was the least compelling matchup of the week. The fact that Tee Higgins was a late scratch, or that Tractorcito went bust didn't lead to a depressing fucking loss.

The Impossible Kid wasn't forced to make a hilarious move by starting Trey Lance or Sam "The" Darnold.

91 Shrimp wouldn't have won regardless of how he juggled his roster. I guess it's kinda funny to see how terribly Carr and Pickett did.

..but it's not really, "hah hah" funny.

I guess we just got a demonstration of what it's like when your most likely best offensive players go on their Bye week.

L (2-8) Neon Dion DeSantis

W (4-6) The Scallywags

Holy shit what a complete fucking nosedive of a week by me,

• picked up the cincy defense and forgot to start them
• didn't catch Osborn being out until too late
• grabbed DeVito and should have started him over Trevor Lawrence

Ultimately, I scored the elast amount of points this week, which should surprise no one given how much my fucking roster is in complete and utter shambles.

Thankfully, The Scallywags didn't leave anything to chance and just blew the doors off this matchup thanks to some pretty decent performances by players on his full and 100% completely active roster. I have to be honest: I don't quite understand exactly what I'm seeing. He has no (Empty) spots and hasn't left his DEF on the bench.

Honestly, the biggest insult is he actually started the New England Patriots DEF against me. Like,,, who the fuck expects anything from that complete pile of dogshit?? And yet, it would have been the 4th highest output on my fucking roster

Fin.

Aww. We're finally hitting that fantasy football regular season home stretch and it's always kind of bittersweet. Sure that means we're going to be coming up against some of the best holidays of the fucking year and the prospect of beautiful fuckin snow, it also means that so many of us have zero fucking chance at postseason play.

Combine that with being a fan of a complete dogshit NFL team and things would appear to become bleak. But fear not! I hope to demonstrate that anyone willing to stick around, willing to keep setting their rosters, and willing to click through and read these dumbass fucking streams of thought, none of it will be for naught.

You spoiling people's playoff chances will be rewarded and recognized. Maybe even lauded and awarded.

And as usual, I hope to provide some dumbass memery you can save and share and impress your colleagues with.

Well .. maybe not work colleagues. Yeah, definitely not them, they're fuckin losers.

All right, well good luck tonight for anyone with players in tonight's surprisingly high-quality matchup. Let's hopefully see Al Michaels put in at least half the effort I put into these columns.

Take care everyone! Hope the rest of the week plays nice and isn't too shitty.

And of course most importantly: I hope somehow everyone loses and I win.

That's right, y'all deserve a double feature.