Not garbage can't, garbage can

Happy Fuckin Halloween and All Saints Day and Dias de los Muertos! What a god damn trilogy of days. I don't think there's much of anything like it.

Speaking of spectacular, check out this incredible performance by our very own Dakstreet Boys,

So what severity of CTE would you say this is?

Base-a-ball!

I'm torn. On one hand, we don't fucking go to these games (who am I kidding, I don't even watch).

Hah kidding around, we don't watch baseball for the umps. We shouldn't really know their fuckin names. We shouldn't have to deal with them acting like god damn Diamond Divas.

But I also love numbahs. I love nerd stats. I love the idea of anyone having a "Perfect Day" at where they work. Whether they're a barista and got zero orders wrong, nothing served too hot, nothing with too much ice.

Or maybe you update spreadsheets all day, and you managed to never need to ctrl+z and undo anything. You didn't once input data into the wrong cell.

Maybe you

...

I think I'm in favor of this form of Ump celebration. If they get lauded for being perfect? The fuck am I gonna complain for?

The Dork Knight

NO FUN LEAGUE TIME

Ravens @ Buccos

Denver Broncos @ London Jaguars

What the fuck. People actually woke up early to watch this game? I have a lot to say about the various time zones and how they affect football watching. Actually, I probably rant about it at least once a season. But just to at least touch on it, here's what the start times are:

• EST: 930am
• CST: 830am
• MST: 730am
• PST: 630am

Are there no fucking NFL fans on the west coast? Is this for fucking real?

Yes. Yes it is for real. I fuckin lived it for a couple of years. Fucking garbage bullshit.

Really, the only saving grace, is that probably every single game in London has sucked asshole. There was that Rams vs. Patriots game I wanted to catch, but I'd rather sleep so you can understand the bind I was in.

There were plenty of facets at play, but instead of delving in it - I'd like to share this very simple questionaire about NFL Timezonery: https://forms.gle/iXBSQQMiGBVqmBve8

Answer it as honestly as you can and I'll speak to the results, especially if I disagree with them.

Panthers @ Falcons

I can't wait to see the seismograph chart graph shit they always have for Falcons games. The end of the game always looks like someone who is getting their dick attacked by bees having their path transcribed with an etch-a-sketch. Love that shit.

And wouldn't you know it, here it is:

Resulting in quite the slew of division leaders,

Bears @ Cowboys

Justin Fields with the "business decision"

But really, kid looked great.

Dolphins @ Lions

As a Top Tier Power-Hater of the Dolphins, this was just fucking painful as hell. I really fucking want Detroit to fucking win some games and maybe even assert themselves in this fucking league.

God damn mother fucking TuAnon just keeps on chugging down there in Miami. Indiscriminantly picking up pure-blood fans from the broken-down Tampa Brady bandwagon, and most likely staying the fuck away from Duvall County.

Why would they not want all Florida fanbases? Simple:

• Duval County has a 904 area code
• First drop was 10/28/2017 (happy 5th year anniversary btw!)
• 904 days after the first drop, was 1/26/2018
• We are currently in 2022, shortened to '22
• If you subtract 20 days and then add 2 years to 1/26/2018: 1/6/2020
• Oh wait, add one more,
• And you get 1/6/2021 which we all know, was just a false flag. It wasn't real. It can't be proven. There are literaly zero pictures or video taken of this. It was staged by Antifa in conjunction with the Reverse-Vampires.

Ipso facto: Duval County isn't located in the United States. I have plenty of sources coming from smobserved dot com (Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox browsers will actually wipe any hyperlinks to the site, but those smoothbrains are no match to my workarounds).

We're through the looking-glass here people.

Cards @ Vikes

It's awesomely poetic that the Vikings won on back-to-back sacks on Jared Allen day. I gotta admit, there's a bit of nostalgia for that mustachiod & mulletted man.

I have nothing nice to say about the Cardinals. As mentioned earlier, I'm not a fan of their frachise aesthetic. And when I say not a fan, I would lead a crusade in order to wipe them from the planet as well as history books.

But hey, this Rondale Moore guy is pretty good at what he does,

Raiders @ Saints

I misse most every second of this game, but it would appear that the entire Raiders coaching staff did as well. What the fuck was that? 0 points?

Belichick Double Agent Theory at work right here. Although the Raiders really aren't that hated by the Patriots now that we had our revenge for the Phantom Roughing the Passer call in '76 (I remember it like it was yesterday), so I dunno why Belichick wouldn't be trying to do this to another franchise.

Colts and McDaniels made sense. The Broncos with .. well.. McDaniels made sense. The Texans with a slew of fellas, I guess made sense?

But the Raiders? Maybe Bill is pissed they left California.

Pats @ Jets

13th straight win.

Conklin is a fucking beast at wide receiver.

And there's plenty of other solid skill positions on that roster.

So you know what you gotta do, Jets:

TRADE FOR BRADY, YOU COWARDS.

Steelers @ Eagles

Steagles are reunited, once again.

Kind of a cool history.

This game, though? Yikes. How about we play this game:

Which team had only one play in the red zone?

Yep, you guessed it: The Eagles. And that's why they scor-... Wait what the fuck, 35 points?

Tities @ Texans

Everyone was talkin about how the Texans are pretty mushy, so you can rush on them. Makes sense that Tractorcito just stomped the life out of the Texans like good ol' fashioned American History X Curb Stomp.

Oh God. We have the Texans on this Thursday Night? Ewwww.

Commodes @ Colts

That Sam Ehlinger (spelling?) wasn't all that bad.

Good for him.

49ers @ Rams

1. What the fuck is Kupp doing out there!?!?
2. The Rams have no real fans.
3. CMC = good.

Giants @ Seahawks

The Geno Smith revenge tour continues.

A sentence that would have literally melted my brain if you showed this to me before week 1. Shit man, the crowd's fuckin chanting his name. He's a god damn legitimate MVP candidate this season. What the fuck is this timeline?

Geno is frankly, a terrible tank commander. He'd be great in the Russian armed forces.

(s/o to Carroll - I guess he's pretty, pretty, pretty good)

Packers @ Bills

The Packers covered. Not bad.

Bengals @ Browns

A couple years ago, this would be absolutely dreadful.

In 2022, it ended up being pretty close to dreadful.

I'll just describe this matchup with the help of a reddit user,

The Browns recently are basically Joe Exotic: we’re an alcohol-fueled disappointment of an organization that likes to abuse tigers
Source: ledforthehead

Recaps!

W - 132.38 (5-3) The Impossible Kid

L - 122.92 (4-4) The Scallywags

Holy fuckballs. What a god damn battle between Tractorcito and CMC:

Fuckin rad. They were off by just 0.04 fuckin points!!! That's absolutely insane, and it left the rest of the roster to do the hard work of dragging one of these two 4-3 piles of flesh across the finish line.

And shit, despite the fact that Devante Adams made little to zero difference, it's kind of fuckin wild to realize the difference maker was the double-barrelled action at QB:

Geno Smith.
Zach Wilson.

I'd watch that buddy cop movie.

L - 109.52 (6-2) The Dakstreet Boys

W - 164.90 (8-0) Seyton Manning

Good fuckin God. Even if them Dakstreet Boys started Fields over TLaw to snap up ~20 more points, he'd still lose by 30+ points. What the actual fuck is going on.

What a loaded god damn lineup, and that's with the Quadfather only scoring 13 and change. Holy shitballs. I don't know if I even knew about some of these players before the season started.

Looks like Dakstreet's Back to the Drawing Board.

W - 144.20 (5-3) Flip Flops & Coronas

L - 104.38 (2-6) mzarecta

Whoa. Fuck. I didn't realize Kamara had himself a fuckin day on Sunday (that was Sunday, right?).

And shit, I guess so did Tua.

Yeah. I know. Weak analysis. Sorry fellers, it's only getting late and I'm growing more and more bitter over Flip Flops getting a literal zero point output from Pickens at WR, and yet he still hit 144.

Which is the fourth highest fuckin point total. Getting the Superflex has really opened up the offense in this league.

L - 131.96 (3-5) SCHWAAAAAAAB

W - 133.04 (3-5) Matural Light

I'm going to get as many fuckin miles as humanly possible from this god damn photoshop job. What I should do is release yearly editions,, if I ever get some free time.

OH SHIT. I kinda wish I had followed this matchup live during Sunday Night Football with the SCHWAAAAAAAABster making an incredible comeback, only to fall short thanks to an epic 3v1 against Tyler Bass. He took on the three-headed monster of,

Josh Allen
Devin Singletary
Mason Crosby

And persevered for a 1.08 point win. Holy fuckballs.

W - 185.96 (4-4) 91 Shrimp

L - 118.06 (5-3) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

Well.

Of all the outputs I've seen this week, 185.96 would be one of them.

What the fuck bro. How the fuck are people slammin out point totals like this?

Turns out, it was definitely worth grabbing Anfernee Hodgkins for a super discounted amount. Holy shitty cheeks, this mother fucker got 100.9 from only three players.

Faaaaack.

L - 101.46 (1-7) Spider 2 Y U do this

W - 126.30 (2-6) I Am The Captain Now

Congratulations, I Am The Captain Now.

You are currently the King of Shit Rock.

I have to admit that dropping the Eagles DEF for Miami DEF in an attempt to start streaming the position from week-to-week absolutely destroyed my desire to continue. The Dolphins literally started to fucking suck shit when I picked them up, so obviously I hate them so much that I can't even be mad if they are ultimately cursed because they happen to start for my fantasy team.

I'm personally honored.

Now get the fuck outta here Captain, and keep that win streak alive. Tell everyone I died a hero.

Oh fuck oh shit, power rankings too???

Kit Kats

1. Seyton Manning

Just the best Halloween candy. At least when we were growing up. Can split it with a friend, or if it's the regular size, an entire group.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

2. The Dakstreet Boys

Share 'em with the pals, eat 'em however you want like in those neat old ads.

Milky Way

3. Flip Flops & Coronas

Not so fast there. You're pretty fucking great but you gotta keep performing to get higher.

Twizzlers

4. The Impossible Kid

Outside of the context of Halloween .. it may be my favorite candy, but during Halloween it's strength and potential are severely nerfed.

Snickers

5. Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

Quality shit. Just not as good as a Milky Way. The loss doesn't help.

M&Ms

6. 91 Shrimp

Finally, someone who keeps winning. Well, other than that guy.

Candy Corn

7. Matural Light

I overvalue win streaks (except I guess with that whole 2nd vs 3rd up there), so enjoy this spot because it's still under my category of delicious Halloween treats. This shit is super underrated in my opinion. It gets too much hate.

Mounds

8. The Scallywags

I love this shit, not really sure why I put it so low. Probably due to the Halloween implications.

Crunch Bar

9. SCHWAAAAAAAB

Good. Not Great. But good.

Smarties

10. I Am The Captain Now

The line needs to be somewhere, and I'd firmly put this on the line because I don't think they're bad. But they aren't good.

Tootsie Roll

11. mzarecta

Six-game losing streak. Awful treat.

Necco Wafer

12. Spider 2 Y U do this

The fuck is this horseshit of a treat? Burn down any house giving it away.

Fin.

Phew. I fuckin did it.

Sucks to lose, but it's great to get through another splendid column.

I hope everyone had an absolutely incredible Halloween. I know I got into the spirit with a sweet construction costume and went trick or treating with Rachel's niece and nephew. Was a great time watchin a bunch of little monsters running around and screaming. They all seriously need to learn some turbo management.

Much love to all y'all. Good luck with week 9, get yourselves preppin' for Thanksgiving (we're hosting oh fuck), and I look forward to the next time we meet!

Take care, my fellers!