One out of three ain't bad
Christmas Cowboys
I heard somewhere that the fucking Commanders have had eight total standalone games. What an absolute fuckin dumpster fire of a god damn schedule. Jayden gets hurt, and it surprisingly turns out that this Washington team fucking sucks.
..but not as much as being a Washington fan. Holy shit.
At least they enjoyed a solid Christmas meal afterwards,,,
Holly Jolly Vikings
Speaking of long-suffering fandoms. The fuckin Lions. Yikes.
Now, I don't think their window is completely closed, but holy shit what an absolute fall from grace after losing their offensive and defensive coordinators.
Kinda fuckin wild given that the expected result for the Lions is actually to do well compared to the olden days of them going 0-16 and being more inept than our current administration.
Have fun in week 18!
Donkey punchers
Fuck these stupid god damn Denver dipshits. Was it too much to ask for the first time I've found myself rooting for the Chefs for them to win? On Christmas?
BUT NO. Fucking Broncos had to keep their stranglehold on the god damn #1 seed and that precious, precious bye.
Congrats to your asshole fans.
Same ol' Chargers
You know.
There are some rather unfortunate fandoms out there.
You have the Browns. The Jets. The aforementioned Commanders and Lions .. Shit, even the Bengals or Titans, but I don't think any fucking fandom is a more tortured and pained group than Chargers fans. As soon as it became apparent that the Chargers may have a chance to mount a comeback, I just knew that not only would it fail, but it would fail in epic proportions.
The Chargers disappoint their fans in such incredibly painful ways, and they are a fucking good team. Historically, they've had incredible players, coaches, and overall history on their side and yet their tradition is to get fully pants - balls out - in front of a national audience routinely.
Like, sure, the Browns and the Lions both have 0-16 seasons under their belt. But the Browns have some incredible history - despite never winning a Super Bowl, they have NFL championships. And even as recently as this passed fucking week, they took out the Steelers and mother fucking Shadeur got himself a win.
The Lions, as tortured as they have been, have sniffed some great success in the postseason. Their days of fan torture are behind them until they lose Dan Campbell and Jared Goff.
The Saints were fucking embarrassing as shit, but Brees and Peyton brought them legitimacy and a Super Bowl. Shit, even this season they've brought out their own motherfougher rookie who has been lighting it up. Gone are the 'Aints and their brown-bag wearing fans.
The Titans get joked about with people "forgetting" them constantly. They've had some absolutely god-awful trash seasons as of late, but even they don't absolutely disappoint their fans in embarrassing ways over the last few decades. Shit, they were one yard short in their only Super Bowl appearance. They've had dominant seasons under their belt. They have the Music City Miracle as a highlight. They may have that snow game against the Patriots where they lost 59-0 but those embarrassments are truly few and far between.
The Commanders? Yeah, they had the Snyder years, but they have three rings, the history of Hogs, and a young stud in Jayden who needs to just get his ass healthy again.
I guess there's the Jets. While they own perhaps the single most important Super Bowl victory in history that legitimized an entire fucking league and allowed the Super Bowl spectacle to continue, it was a looooong time ago. But shit man, as much as Patriots fans like to clown on that franchise, they still fucking owned the Patriots during my lifetime. Those Tuna-Bowl games between Parcells and Carroll were always painful because the Patriots never seemed to deliver a win when they needed it.
The Jets even had those two back-to-back AFC Championship game years with Sexy Rexy.
I know, I know, Woody Johnson (aka Boner Dong) has really kinda fucked up his particular franchise quite a bit, but the Jets can still pull off an upset or come-from-behind victory from time to time. That win right after the tragic passing of their legendary center Nick Mangold was incredible, and something the Chargers would absolutely fuck up.
This is getting a little long-winded, but my point is that everyone should want to play the Chargers in an important game because they will always lose, and they will lose in the most brutal way possible.
Baldimore Shitbirds
Sooooo, this performance kinda solidifies that John Harbaugh had no fucking clue what he was doing against the Patriots. Why the fuck did he ever stop running that big boy? He was acting like this was the asshole carrying the rock against New England,
In all honesty, I think I'm actually a Druski fan
How fucking stupid could John boy be???
He really shouldn't probably be fired, but I wouldn't be surprised if he were
Now that I've shat all over the winning team, let's take a look at the team that actually fuckin lost this matchup. Green Bay fans learned that all good things, eventually come to an end - with some earlier than others.
I don't know what the fuck is going on with Green By, but I find myself laughing quite heartily at their new tradition of being 7th seed merchants. Hey, at least they got themselves yet another Cowboys cast-off,
Wonder how those cheesefucker fans are taking it,,,
Benglols
I mean, who fucking cares.
Shadussy
Hah. Fuckin shit this is funny. Yet another brutally mediocre season that nets only 9 wins by the modern Jeff Fisher,
The fucking dumbass Steelers.
As much as the Browns do not want any sort of adulation or reconition from the shitbirds, Baldimore is going to give it to them irregardless,
What a throwdown
Check out some rare all-22 footage I found of this game:
WE JAGGIN OFF
Oh man. I feel .. bad for them Colts fans .. Things started off so well and then ...
Bucco Fucco
This Jameis Mayfield guy is absolutely blowing it for the Buccaneers.
And now the absolute clown show of a division (NFC South) might end up being decided by two teams not even in playoff contention. What the ever-loving fuck is that all about??
THESE ARE THE FUCKING TEAMS THAT MIGHT DECIDE THE NFC SOUTH. WHAT THE FUCK.
The sun never sets on Greatriot Nation
Seadonkeys Fly High
All I got for this one is,
The 2025 shitboal
hahahahah bills but also, hahahaha eagles
Yadda yadda, bills ain't kings of the AFC East no more, and now thanks to Drake Maye, since re-alignment, there have only been four quarterbacks to win the AFC East. Four (but all four teams have won it at least once).
And out of all of them, Josh Allen is such a bitch when he begs for the god damn flags like it's a legitimate fucking play,
There's just something about the way people look at that god damn Josh Allen guy. Something about him I just can't quite put my finger on. It's like, let's say, we compare Josh Allen to another comparable quarterback like ohhh Jalen Hurts.
For some reason, there's just some odd difference between the two that drives the narrative so much differently.
Again, I just can't quite put my finger on it.
SPEAKING of the Eagles and their offense, I have to give my condolences,
Normally, I couldn't name an offensive coordinator outside of Josh McDaniels, but this motherfucker just won't stop suckin sweaty balls, and now I have to know this fuckface's name.
Shanahan Masterclass
What a god damn wild game that was so much fun to watch. Never seen two teams have such a hard time deciding who should win,
Classic Stafford
And if you don't like that, you don't like Falcon football.
Championship Recap
W - Matural Light 🏆
L - SCHWAAAAAAAAB
Like they always say:
It's tough to beat a team 3 times in a single season, and despite the absolute fucking wagon that SCHWAAAAAAAB was, Fantasy Football just has this miraculously poetic way of just taking all expectations literally everyone may have had and turn them all completely on their head.
Obviously, it's not shocking that Sam Darnold shit the bed. And I guess, CeeDee has been regressing over the last couple of weeks or some shit.
Then of course, Titty-air-oh-ah McMillan completely botching the Seahawks game, not only disappointing the shit out of SCHWAAAAAAAAB but also his own team who now has to depend on some other shitmountain team to win on top of his own in week 18.
But enough about the actual NFL, I had time to talk about it, and now I'm done. Fuck that shit, I'm supposed to just talk fantasy football.
Well, let me just get back into the Fantasy Football writer thinking zone
There we go.
...
Anyway, what Matural Light ultimately pulled off was nothing short of incredible. This roster lost six fucking games. After starting 3-1, this fucking team went .500 for the entire rest of the god damn shit-cock-balls season.
Frankly, as great as some of the players folks out there might think they are, it was an incredible job of two players dragging a wildly inconsistent roster,
- James Cook III
- Jonathan Taylor Touchdown
With a heavy emphasis on JTT. That dude fucking balled. However, Fantasy Football is still kinda sorta a form of football so fucking teamwork is pretty god damn important. And due to shit help, despite JTT scoring like 485 points over 6 weeks, Matural Light still couldn't get out of his own fucking way and maybe went .500
Impressively enough, James Cook III was actually expendable thanks to Javonte Williams coming into his own. So Matural Light facilitated a trade and brought in two fantasy football assholes, Justin Jefferson and Justin Herbert.
Two players who have just hugely disappointed their team's fans - mostly through absolutely no fault of their own.
But when push came to shove, at least Herbert showed up in the Semifinals to help Matural Light score an absolutely absurd 152+ points. Shit, this entire postseason had him popping off with points (187+ during the Quarterfinal).
And not to be outdone by one good week by Herbert, that hot chick from Jacksonville, TLaw, was pure fucking fire when it mattered most towards the end of the season and into the playoffs. For the entire postseason, he scored 106+ points. Fucking huge.
I know I'm giving you a bunch of shit, but I can't help but salute you, Mr. Matural Light. You have your revenge, and won The Reardon 3-game series with just a single win. Enjoy your second championship offseason!
Fin.
Welp. I'm sad. I'm sad because this is the end of yet another Fantasy Football season, and while I'll be happy to have some time back to get shit done around the house or maybe lose more bullshit games in Rocket League, I won't get a chance to write about timezones, my hatred of cheese, or how the Chargers are the real-life equivalent of the Book of Job.
I hope everyone had a wonderful end of 2025, and don't worry about having some line of resolutions setup, we're still in that transitional period where you will fuck up and write 2025 on checks, or name files with 2025, or generally forget that we've entered a new year. Just do your best, and try to be a better you today than you were yesterday.
And if you can't, then just try not to fuck anything up too badly before the end of the day.
Not sure what this year has in store for us all, but I do know that it's gonna be a completely different me when we meet back up again in August/September. I'll be back on my bottle-feeding bullshit, mastering my skill as a poopsmith, perhaps tossing some talent points in early detection and stoneskin.
So take care all y'all. Hope to maybe even see one or two or eight of you in person to some capacity, and I truly wish you fuckers a happy new year. I know we've all seen quite a few, and with years like "2026" they're only going to get weirder and fuckin weirder to read.
Much love, and take care out there.