2023

See you later, spooky season

Baker Buccos @ Bill's All I got for this one is that Baker Mayfield throws a fucking beautiful hail mary. Just a crying shame Godwin couldn't come down with it, Baker Mayfield with the Perfect Hail Mary and Godwin with the least awareness of the ball in

2023

Help, someone pooped my pants

Yeah I ain't got shit to lead off with. Tried to scrape some proverbial shit off my shoe and see if I could get 700-900 words from that, but to no avail. That, it's the second half of our sprint, and I'm busier than

mo lewis

Happy birthday to the Camerlengo

I just wanted to share perhaps my favorite article of all time, posted in 2004 by Kerry Byrne on coldhardfootballfacts dot com to honor one of the greatest contributors to the New England Patriots: We hope you Patriots fans out there popped a bottle of your best bubbly or homebrew

2023

How you like them apples?

I played a little hookie from work and went apple picking last Friday. And let me tell you: I know a thing or two about apples and apple picking. Shit, I'd consider the region I grew up in as the land of Apple Orchards. With the the birthplace

2023

Hello, I’m Commander Biden. Bite to meet you

New Hampshah So what'd y'all do last Sunday? You all watch some football? Maybe dabble in a little bit of New Generation New England Futility? Perhaps renewing your membership into the fellowship of the miserable? The day “The Fellowship of The Miserable” was born…It was

2023

Postin like an avalanche comin down the mountain

Tim Wakefield The Man I know not everyone is a Red Sox fan. I'm sure plenty of you out there actually kinda sorta hate the Red Sox as an organization and team. Understandable. A lot of us die-hard fans hated them too. Shit, Tom Yawkee was a racist

2023

Busier than a cat at a laser show

Preamble It's come to my attention that people have found some discrepancies in a number of comments I've made in my past. Specifically, my rather mild opinion of, "fuck cheese." Many of you may have called into question the integrity of my entire column

2023

Battle of the Rotary Fast Foods

As per usual, if you ain't interested in whatever dipshit content I happen to have vomit this week, just scroll on down to the NFL Recapulations! Growing up, there was a rotary dubbed, the Ayer Rotary. Well, it goes by a more official name as well: Frederick Carlton

2023

It's easier not to be great

Fuck you, Thor Let me paint the weekend picture for you: It's mid-Friday afternoon, I'm trying to wrap up a bunch of dependency updates while yelling at my computer because fuck you, the tests worked before the update so WHY DON'T THEY KNOW, as

preseason

The Armies of the Unfit

With the reappropriation grace period expired I need to go into one of the funniest fuckin moments online in recent memory. If you don't want to struggle through my absolute diarrhea of text, then just watch: However, if you're down for some typed word let me

preseason

That magical moment when everyone still has hope

(and no - I don't care if I've used that image before, damn it) What an offseason Welp. Football is back. The Hall of Fame game has taken place - supposedly - and .. well .. I'll talk about it later. It's been what,

2023

The year is 2512 and the country has completed the 1000th McCarthy Vote, a tradition whose origins have long since been forgotten

Holy shit, I'm a little late I BET YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT. Yeah, I don't really know what happened there .. I'm going to point to two factors in my tardiness in publishing: 1. I guess I wanted to wait and see whether or not

2022

Hello League, I am Dennis Prager here to tell you that the smell coming from my pants is from THE LEFT, who have soiled my underwear once again

Food for thought Makes you think! Confused? Go ahead and read about a specific Kansas Chiefs superfan. Memes never die I don't fuckin care if the Dolphins and Bills played each other over a week ago. I'VE GOT MEMES TO SHARE. Simply the Best-a-gon Praise Hexagons,

Happy Christmas and Merry Hanukkah

I'm a stupid title with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt

WHIRLIE KERP Oh shit, argentina won. wowzers n shit. Anyway, here's a video, What? It's a video. Shout out to Colleen Wolfe Only one without gloves! Fuckin Carolina Panthers, Jacksonville Jaguars, and what fuckin San Francisco? A little in Seattle? These fuckers don't know

2022

Something something Qatari 2600

What the fuck I gotta do to get fired around here? All I wanna do is get promoted to customer. For the love of fucking God. Sorry folks, but as you've probably noticed the last 3-4 weeks, my heart is absolutely not fuckin in it. Not sure what

2022

Aaaaand USA Lost

Followed by Poland. Stupid fuckin sport. Late Let's say, hypothetically, that you were, for instance, using my keyboard. Now keep up. Let's say that you, yes you, wanted to type up one of these columns. Hypothetically, of course. Now that we have established that you want

happy thanksgiving

It's not rocket appliances

Gobble Gobble Hey everyone! Hope y'all enjoyed the week and had a mother fuckin awesome Thanksgiving week! Despite the result of the Greatriots game, it was still such a fucking great day of football - one that I barely fucking caught because I was playing the god. Damn.

2022

Proper Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performance

That other football I guess it's getting underway. Oh hell yeah, I'm super excited to continue feeding a monstrously evil capitalist grift of galactic proportions. Wait what is that? They just banned cheering with both hands while in stadiums? OK, as long as I can celebrate

power rankings

Title for the Week 10 Power Rankings during Week 11

Yeah yeah yeah, I know I just fucking emailed all of you earlier this week. It's just that skipping out on two straight weeks of power rankings left me in a state of near giving a shit. So with this building guilt, I set upon sculpting my content.

2022

Say Pizza to Drugs

In College I Studied Abroad or Two Big fan of that NFL Europe thing. I loved the Amsterdam Admirals, perfect team to play against so I could earn the maximum amount of Madden Cards as I could. But I guess Germany has better singers or some shit, This is UNBELIEVABLE.

2022

Vote or Die

Snyder selling team? I hope you read about this elsewhere because I ain't got shit for you all this week as far as extra bullshit. Which might be a godsend for some, a sad state for others. Rage Against the Machine I found these bootleg videos that I

2022

Not garbage can't, garbage can

Happy Fuckin Halloween and All Saints Day and Dias de los Muertos! What a god damn trilogy of days. I don't think there's much of anything like it. Speaking of spectacular, check out this incredible performance by our very own Dakstreet Boys, So what severity of

2022

Yeezy come, Yeezy go

It's October Luckswing Time! I hear that the month of October is supposedly the most important month of the year for Major League Baseball. Until November, at least. Why am I bringing up America's Pasttime in a column dedicated to Fantastical Football? Well. Because it'

2022

Broncos country, let's writhe!

Dear Mr. Snyder Sell your team, Coward! Al Michaels calls out Dan Synder to sell the team on live broadcast pic.twitter.com/zF0Ls76xi1 — Main Team (@MainTeamSports2) October 14, 2022 Source Let them fight. Davante Has Earned His Spiked Shoulderpads So like .. I shared that video in the last column,

2022

is this thing on?

Now. I have a lot of ground to cover. A honeymoon that spanned much of Europe. One that ended up with me returning home with what I hope isn't super super-Spartan strain of Covid. One that had me visiting a couple countries who have contributed so much to