pee pee poo poo

OK. Well. A lot of shit happened over the last week: Football for four straight days (or three out of four for folks like myself who don't really care all that much about amateurs). At least one Thanksgiving-related celebration. Winter storm on Tuesday. And any child-borne related illnesses (personally, my first encounter with such a plague).

So you're all getting fuckall when it comes to recapping the actual NFL games from the last week. Shit, you're not even going to get recaps of our matchups either.

Howevah, instead of shortened recaps, I thought it would be prudent to offer double the amount of full summaries of everyone's fuckign season masquerading as a god damn power rankings. Seriously not sure whether my dipshit logic was sound on that one. I could have just re-used a bunch of dumbass memes and called it a day, but no - I just had to pop. squat. and shit out these idiotic paragraphs.

Enjoy this malarkey, because it's the last column for a couple of weeks because it's simply not wintery enough here in New England, so the family is taking a trip to Europe again - but this time it's to fucking Iceland. Hoping to catch me some Northern Lights that don't come in the form of the stickiest of the icky, but actually those god damn charged particles that look super fuckin neato in the sky.

So if you want some future recaps done with you involved, you better make the playoffs and win.

LET'S GO.

Now, I have a very complex computer system in place that helps me determine these rankings. A lot of very important data points are taken into account for me to come up these incredibly accurate and informative rankings:

• Wins
• Losses
• Points for
• Points against (not really)
• Win/loss streak
• Team name
• Whether I'm married to them
• Gave me back video games that they borrowed from me in High School

1. Hail to the King: Stuffing

SCHWAAAAAAAAB

Well. I don't think anyone is shocked to see this. The motherfucker has,

• The most wins
• The most point scored
• Best winning streak
• The most A's in the team name

And he's done it without Jonathan Taylor, Jahmyr Gibbs, or Achane on the roster. Sure he has Josh Allen and Puka .. and CompactDisc Lamb, but it's still insanely impressive to see how well this stupid fucking team I'm insanely jealous of is doing.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: 9/10 Jellys

2. This ain't no Jive Turkey, it's Fried

How's ya mom and dem

Where the fuck did this lad come from? The motherfucker started the season out with four straight losses, and five out of his first six games.

But then he started winning. And winning.

And fuckin, winning.

That one loss in week 9 was by .12 points. I know I've probably mentioned it like, 14 times but holy fucking shit - I don't know if I've ever seen a god damn rebound quite like this one. I'm genuinely curious whether How's ya mom and dem fired an offensive coordinator midseason or something. Maybe a defensive coordinator since they were giving up like 130 points per game until they started their winning streak.

Shit. Probably both.

I know I'm all but eliminated from postseason contention, so my money's rooting for the new guy.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: 11/10 Jellys - I'm so fucking jelly.

3. Some fuckin Mac n Cheese

Matural Light

At least you have a win streak going on right now Matural Light. You are absolutely fuckin strug-a-ling right now, duder.

..actually, I just scoped out your schedule and you aren't really doing all that bad, and while you started off on fiyah going 4-1, sure you lost two in a row, but rebounded nicely with rattling off three wins - but man, you dropped two against the two hottest fucking teams in the league.

As far as quality losses go, those are absolutely top-tier. In reality, those losses make you look fucking incredible - especially given how close your Civil War loss was.

Keep riding Jonathan Taylor, and you should go deep .. which thank god, because you also have Justin Jefferson.. Sorry.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: 7.5/10 Jellys

4. Gimme them carbs: bread, biscuits, cornbread

91 Shrimp

Not exactly in the best position, but you're riding a pretty solid winning streak to keep you in postseason contention, and you score points to help with them tiebreakers.

But god damn, you have some real sink or swim players:

In conclusion, I miss D'Andre Swift.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: 6/10 Jellys

5. Pies

Broken Penix

Sitting in third fucking place in the standings despite the second worst Points For total (but you do have the least Points Against), and you have a two-game losing streak. This is the kind of result that absolutely melts the grey matter inside my thick as shit skull.

You've hit the absolute worst time of the season to be running into these troubles. The postseason is just about to start and you have an actual chance at capturing a first round bye - but to do that, you'll have to overcome the fact that you have key contributors on BYE in TreVeyon and Jauan.

And then you have a couple brutal IR players in Drake London and Tee "Hee" Higgins.

AND THEN you have Llamar Jackson in peak playoff form despite there being like, 5 whole fucking weeks before the end of the regular season.

Best of luck, dude. At least Scary Terry McLaurin is bad, so you have that going for you. Which is nice.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: 5.5/10 Jellys

6. Some motherfuckin roasted veggies

The Impossible Kid

I really thought you were able to break your 2 wins/2 loss pattern, but then you went ahead and just had to lose 2 games in a row. They weren't like, awful losses, but then again are is there such a thing as a good loss?

Actually, I would say they were incredible losses. In weeks 12 and 13 you lost to the two top teams in the entire league. Most people? They ain't lose to nobody, but you - you my friend, have lost to somebody.

That's why I had to keep you this high on the power rankings .. even though you literally are at 6th in the standings as well. Hmm. You know, coming up with a quirky power ranking is fucking hard. I swear to fucking god it always ends up just looking like the fucking standings.

At least I can put you at some ranking and then yell at you because you're stuck having to start someone with the intellect of a clam fart like Alec Pierce or Jakobi "Oscar" Meyers (wait, he's on the fuckin Jags now??).

I don't really get how you could possibly be struggling to be above .500 with players like Saquads and De'Von. I guess Barkley has sucked this season, but god damn Achane has been running like a house-brickshit.

7. Candied yams

The Justin League

This Justin-first strategy just didn't quite pay off as well as I think this particular team owner thought it would. I mean, I respect it greatly, but it left him just outside the reach of the postseason.

Sure, a miracle could happen and he scores 180 million points and the three teams at 7-6 all end up losing .. but that shit ain't happenin'.

Definitely not with that absolute scrub Number 9 starting at Quarterback. I can't fucking get over how badly the Vikings and Kevin O'Connell absolutely blasted himself in the dick and balls by ditching,

• Cousins
• Darnold
• Danny Jones

For some weird fuckin try-hard of an asshole who literally just handed the ball off well enough to win a Natty in college. I have so much respect for McCarty for leveraging a job as a glorified ball rack in college to starting at Quarterback for a team that seemingly just had its Super Bowl window slammed shut.

..

Wait, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh right.

At least you have ..

Oh fuck I completely missed that Jefferson was traded away! Good God, you traded away Justin Herbert?? To depend on the trio of, J.J. McCarthy, Jameis Winston, or Jaxson Dart?

Joe's Jealousy Meter: 3/10

8. Mashed Potaters

Neon Dion DeSantis

Fuckin shit.

• My team name sucks
• Jayden Daniels has the bone density of a carrot
• Ashton Jeanty is the second coming of Trent Williams (without the OROY)
• Courtland "worst apple variety" Sutton is just week after week of mediocrity
• DK Metcalf left all his talent in the Pacific Northwest
• Cooper Kupp is legit done

I swear I drafted an incredible roster for the 2021 season.

I'm so happy I traded away a pretty outstanding running back to rent Marcus Mariota for like, two weeks. Fuckin Pacheco is such a testicle.

I just .. I just fucking don't want to fucking come in at 11th place again. It's been four straight seasons at 11th place. Please for the love of God, I'm so tired.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: NA (fuck outta here)

9. Goodness Gravy

Flip Flops & Coronas

I have to admit: I'm fading fast with this power ranking so these last handful are going to be more sub-par than the win/loss record of the teams I'm going to provide entries for.

Flips Flops honestly started off ice cold, started to heat the fuck up after rattling off four straight wins, but then fell right on back down to earth losing four out of five games, dropping the team right out of the postseason race. Shit happens, but I have to give so much fuckin respect to this team with how much gambling was done trying to hold onto brutally injured players hoping for their triumphant return.

• Joe Burrow did come back, but a little too late unfortunately
• Nick Chubb, while never really injured this season is sadly a shell of the superduperstar he was .. last year? I foret
• Joe Flacco had a pretty fuckin fun couple of weeks for the Bengals
• Joe Mixon hurt himself before the season even fucking started and he ain't comin back

Was a nice shot, but hopefully you spent a bit of time securing a couple decent keepers because you better start thinking 2026.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: 2/10

10. Green bean casserole

mza

I don't really know what I'm doing with this power rankings shit. This was all supposed to be a cop out and save me some time with writing recaps, but now instead of 6 thick recaps, I'm writing out 12 fucking power ranking summaries. And this shit barely even makes sense as a power rankings - I'm like, doing a retro-god-damn-spective of the season despite it not even being the end of the regular fucking season.

I frankly don't understand how mzarecta didn't do that well this season. He has absolute fuckin' studs:

• Amon-Ra
• Statpadford
• Chase Brown
• Drake "Drake Maye" Maye

Shit, even Patrick Mahomes doesn't suck shit as a fantasy qb this season like he has in recent seasons. I guess while he had players who score points, the timing of them points never came when they needed to. I think they call this phenomenon: "a bunch of fuckin bullshit."

Joe's Jealousy Meter: 2/10

11. Cranberry sauce

Ding Dong Pattywhack

You know what. I'll just make this brief and then post a funny picture or two or something because seeing how you have Jahmyr Gibbs but are in a worse spot in the standings compared to me is kinda fuckin sad, my dude. I don't want to pile onto your already pretty brutal season, but you're starting Kirk fuckin Cousins. And Elic Ayo man .. anor.

Pickens and Jordan Love aren't world beaters, but fuck, it can't possibly take that much more to get an above .500 record with arguably the best running back in the league this season. Rough stuff.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: I'm sorry.

12. Salad.

The Scallywags

Sometimes, when it rains, it pours. And after starting the season on an incredible high note, going 1-0 .. you proceeded to drop the next 6 games, and then another 5.. Some of the matchups were close, while others were not so close. This is the duality of fantasy football.

Sorry, that's all I got.

Joe's Jealousy Meter: Negative levels.

Fin.

Please allow me to officially be the last to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Hope that shit was a blast for everyone, whether you spent it with friends, family, or all alone. I know that Rachel, Penny, and myself did two out of the three and I have to admit that not spending Turkey Day with anyone but ourselves was fuckin awesome. Of course, we did see both sides of the family tree on Friday and Saturday, so that shit was expectedly exhausting, but 100% delicious.

So I hope the remaining portion of this waning year is kind to you all and those you enjoy spending it with, and to those of you spending it with folks you do not enjoy, may it be quick and merciful.

Enjoy the rest of week 14, happy Saint Nicholas day (tomorrow), and I'll be seein' y'all back here in like, 2 weeks? I can't figure out the math exactly but it definitely won't be next week, and most likely not the following either. If the postseason happens to still be going on, then yeah, maybe then, which is always nice because then I'll only have one or two games to recap anyway.

Take care, much love, and happy fuckin holidays!