Playin' solitaire 'till dawn with a deck of 51

Thanksgiving

Yeah. I should have fuckin bitch n moaned about Thanksgiving and all its fixings in the previous column that I literally fucking published on Thanksgiving 2021.

But fuck you, this is now the official Thanksgiving 2021 Recap.

Sure, I didn't even get invited to everyone's Turkey Day celebrations, but I was sent a couple pics. I've been to a few Friendsgivings. And actually, I attended two different Turkey Dinners. So I consider myself something of an authority now.

The first one was pretty great, I got to actually catch like 60-70% of the first two NFL games while being there. Usually, there's very little NFL watching; occasionally I've been able to steal some moments with the TV on - and way back when, my grandparents would just leave their TV on the Thanksgiving Day game. It was pretty important to me since it was really the only chance I could reliably catch me some Barry fuckin Sanders.

Anyway, it was super fuckin rad to have the game right there while making small talk with Rachel's family. Occasionally I'd get asked about my opinion on something NFL related, and other times it'd be something not NFL related. The range in conversation was a sight to behold.

As far as the food went, we had some delicious turkey and stuffing, obviously mac n cheese (BOOOOO), a green bean casserole, and instead of mashed taters we had mashed cauliflower (delicious alternative). We also had a couple ringers that showed up in the form of grilled ribs and chicken. Both were fucking delicious and an absolute joy to include on the Thanksgiving plate.

To top it all off, there was the classic Thanksgiving-walk-after-dinner. Was able to catch a beautiful Kingston (MA) sunset.

Overall, the only bad thing about the whole time there was being forced to watch the god damn Bears at Lions game. What a god damn pile of shit. I'd give it five thumbs up.

The next Thanksgiving was on a different day, and it was with the parents! Mom's not contagious no more! It was quite the adventure nonetheless for I was the one tasked with carvin the turkey. I do it once a year and I think I'm getting better (I follow the Church of Cut off Each Turkey Titty as a large chunk, then I cut servings) each year.

Had three different kinds of stuffing (one baked with turkey, one that's vegan, one that has sausages but baked outside the turkey), squash, cabbage, mashed taters, and turkey of course.

Loved it all. Couldn't get enough of it. And especially it was nice to see the whole family. We're definitely a little weathered, but it's time to start enjoying this god damn holiday season.

Plus I got a dog-treat advent calendar. I'm pretty fuckin pumped.

I score this: seven thumbs up!

Mac n Cheese

Speaking of awesome Patriots players,

This Judon guy fuckin rules. I love his god damn look out there,

I'm not the only one.

But yeah anyway,

I fuckin love this guy. He makes so much fuckin sense, and I don't care if he isn't a full-blooded cheese hater like myself because I know that this cause needs as many allies as possible. If I can get Judon on board with ridding the world of mediocre Mac n Cheese, maybe Mac n Cheese as a whole can take a huge hit and stop torturing poor kids.

I remember visiting some fast casual mac n cheese fucking restaurant. You chose your noodle type, cheese, some other shit, and you'd get it made and given to you on a cast-iron skillet. Looked pretty fuckin rad and it fuckin pissed me off that I would hate the taste of anything made there.

It's a bitch to get seats and I remember there was a group of people leaving a rather large table so of course, my group started making our way to help clean up and sit down. Well, while taking care of stuff I noticed one girl who had a classic hangry stankface and nothing in front of her except two cookies in plastic. Boy did I recognize that fuckin look: she hated cheese.

Don't think I'll ever forget asking her, "don't like cheese?" And her looking up and nodding, almost like we shared a moment of understand. Her thinking optimistically that I'm about to impart some wisdom as a cheeseless sage.

So like any 27-year-old after a couple beers, I remarked "yeah it totally sucks."

It was very important to me that she understands the absolute futility of not liking cheese.

Fuck Mac n Cheese. So jealous at every single one of those sleepovers where the parents would make a tub of mac n cheese for the kids. I'd eat like,, nothing. Parents probably wondered how I could be my size despite not eating any dinner. It was really simple: I usually fuckin do and I'm fucking starving now.

That's why I always loved Neil Ozzie's family (not to brag, but the dad was that Ozzie who was CEO of Microsoft - that family was fuckin loaded). The mom would always notice if I didn't maybe like something and would go so far as to get me a fuckin McD's cheeseburger to get me fed during sleepovers. Sure, we separated ways after second grade or some shit, but it was fun while it lasted.

In conclusion,

Hooray: Neil's mom
Boo-urns: Mac n Cheese

Turkey Day Games

Bears vs. Lions

I don't know why. Maybe it's because they're such a lovable bunch of dipshit losers. Maybe it's because that franchise started the whole NFL Football on Thanksgiving tradition,

Maybe I decided to root for the Lions this game because of those incredibly fond memories of watching Barry Sanders perform; he seemingly scored 3 touchdowns and ran for 180 yards every Turkey Day, even though I realize that's just nostalgia warping my memories. Kinda. He did run for 3 tiddies one year:

I just remember it was really fun to watch him play, then John Madden would give him one of those spider-turkey legs,

Whatever the reason. I feel like a lot of America rode with me along the Detroit Lions decrepit pile of shit bandwagon. And good fucking god damn I couldn't stand it. I don't know if it was because, as a Patriots fan, I have a certain standard in what I expect from certain coaching qualities.

And I kinda sorta yelled at the TV when this shit happened,

I feel serious fucking shame and disappointment after rooting for this fucking team,

I swear to God, Thanksgiving is actually a day of mourning in Detroit.

Raiders vs. Cowboys

The coin never lies. 11 for 11. Anthony Brown is a believer.

"What the fuck is this coin talk," you ask? Well, let me learn you somethin:

another source

So yeah. At this point, I say we just praise our new coin overlords and do our best to avoid any sort of violent repercussions from subversive actions.

I think it's kind of funny how the game had 28 combined penalties, but since it was the Raiders and Cowboys, I'm not in the least bit surprised. I've always thought of the Raiders as a historically over-flagged team, and right there were the Cowboys because who teh fuck knows.

Oh wait, I found this and had a chuckle: Anthony “Leon ‘Thanksgiving Day Game Disaster’ Lett” Brown.

Bills vs. Saints

Bills won, but at what cost? They lost their White (DB) supremacy. It's fuckin rough, it reminds me of when Jason Sehorn retired and it signified a much greater downfall in white defensive back supremacy, aka the cracka-assed cracka cornerback.

And this is the play that I fondly remember from the Semen Demon. What an asshole.

Excited to see this Bills team vs the Patriots on Monday Night.

I don't see why the Patriots won't be eating a W of their own come later Monday Night

Early Sunday Games

Bucs vs. Colts

Apparently I got a lot of notes about this game - one of the bigger notes was about how it had everything in it: offense, defense, special teams, shit I swear I might have even seen a coach at some point.

It must have been super refreshing for Tampa Bay to watch the other team beat themselves for once,,,

The Colts after taking a 24-14 lead into the third quarter:

• Fumble in field goal territory
• Interception at the Bucs 5-yard line
• 3 and out
• Picked off on the hail mary
• Allowed points in three of the Bucs four 2nd half possessions
• Outscored 24-7

Can't fucking believe Wentz threw it to the sidelines like some chode. YOU HAD A FUCKING TIMEOUT. TOSS IT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD YOU DICK.

Jets vs. Texans

9-8 is still on the menu.

Eagles vs. Giants

1-0 to start the Kitchens era! Looking forward to reminding Iggle fans that Justin Jefferson was picked right after Reagor.

Panthers vs. Dolphins

It would appear that the reports of the Panthers death are greatly accurate.

Tu'anon vs. Ï M ß Ä Ä Ä čk

How the fuck did this team beat the god damn Cardinals??

Titans vs. Greatriots

I hope everyone understands why we named the Bourne Bridge after this Kendrick kid. And not sure about all y'all, but this game felt closer than the score indicated ... although it wasn't? I seriously have no idea. I kept worrying about turnovers but the Titans' playcalling was as well-thought out as Project Orca.

To be frank, after expecting this Patriots rebuild to be like that throwaway, that wacky free agent fueled 2013 Red Sox season, and getting that full season of under .500 play.. It was suffering.

Pain.

So I feel rejuvenated. After our long, pain-filled absence, it's time to rise up again and reign for decades to come with McCorkle leading the way.

Or learn to use fitbits or some shit.

Whatever.

So Belichick, what's the Patriots record now?

Steelers vs. Bengals

Wafflesburger looks to be fuckin done good god.

Falcons vs. Jaguars

Cordarelle Patterson isn't just the real deal.

He's the only fucking reason to ever watch the Falcons. Shit, he might be so good he's the only reason you'd ever want to watch the Jaguars either.

Mother fucker had the Falcons' first fucking rushing play that went over 20 fucking yards this season. What a god damn pathetic fucking team. I know they have Matt Ryan, but they fuckin suck at passing the ball too.

PS. Jaguars fuckin suuuucks. Anyone out there know any good Urban jokes?

The rest of the fuckin games

Chargers vs. Broncos

What in the fuck is this Broncos team? Can anyone tell me? I hate that entire franchise with the fury of a thousand suns, so you won't be able to get an unbiased opinion from me other than they obviously must be fuckin cheating or something. They did it before with their salary cap and won a Super Bowl so of course I assume they'll want to pull some shenanigans again.

Mindless rambling aside, I read that there's actually a scenario where the Lions, Jaguars, Chargers, and Jets can all make the same playoffs.

Yeah. I don't have any evidence or maths or anything to prove it, but I find it food for thought.

It may be as empty as a rice cake, or it's as inedible as gasoline-soaked styrofoam .. but it's for thought.

Rams vs. Packers

God damn.

Green Bay really did just fuck around and sweep the entire NFC ~B~West. And fucking up a Matt Fratford-led team is a Packer tradition.

This fucking Rams roster: Built like an NBA team, soft like one too.

Felt so bad for this dude,

No need for shit like that during a Thanksgiving game. You gotta act all over-outraged when you're watching with family, or even more complicated: your girlfriend's family. Don't get me wrong, I hate any and all injuries in the NFL (I know, I'm very brave). I don't care if it's turf toe, a separated shoulder, a swollen knee, a brain bruise, whatever, they're all fucking terrible.

With that out of the way, with a lull in gameplay leading to a lull in conversation (I mean, it's tough to act jovial when there's some unusual injury), I took it upon myself to lecture everyone in that fucking room about how certain injuries come from bad form and bad mechanics, and that bad shit comes from terrible coaching.

Rachel's entire family now know about at least two coaches: Bill Belichick (obviously), and Dantera.

PS.

Vikings vs. 9ers

I wonder if Odell wishes he chose a better landing spot. The 9ers were supposedly in the running and holy shit they are in such better shape than the fucking Rams right now.

So everyone, can we take a sidebar?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to give a shout-out to NFL RedZone. Thank god damn Jesus himself for that shit. Without it, I'd have to suffer through Vilma as an announcer .. and supposedly he is fucking TRASH. So thank you, RedZone. I ride with Hansen for life.

Sidebar over.

Browns vs. Ravens

Just. Sit. Baker.
For the love of God.

This fuckin offense scored just 10 fucking points off of 4 turnovers. That's unbelievable. Actually, it's almost without precedent:

Cleveland blew a 52-0 streak* when opposing QBs throw four fucking interceptions.

*since 2015

MNF

"Who cares?"
- Mike Francesa

Super happy recap fun time

L - 114.42 (5-7) mzarecta

W - 126.14 (8-4) Matural Light

As mza continues his slide into the abyss, Matural Light rises out of some kind of tie that was going on and snagged himself the coveted second fuckin seed.

(I assume this is what Matural Light's ascension looks like)

With bodies up and down his roster, he scrounged himself a decent showing and thankfully so: mza put up a pretty fuckin' good fight despite underperforming his projected output by just 👌 that much

A good sign for the Matural: Apparently this upcoming Dallas Covidboys game is going to heavily feature Ezekiel. There's like a million positives, and the game is on Thursday. Shit's gonna get fucked.

W - 142.56 (7-5) Chubb and Tug

L - 96.50 (5-7) Seyton Manning

Chubbsy Tugsy with the quads holy shit: Dak, Gibson, Jones, Folk for 27.30, 20.10, 23.50, and 21.0

Mac Jones and Nick Folk, huh? Who knew the Patriots were such great fantasy bets? I'm so fuckin excited looking over those two roster spots.

Seyton tried. Some would say he even tried his hardest. His best.

L - 149.66 (7-5) I Am The Captain Now

W - 173.40 (9-3) The Impossible Kid

You know that feeling when you score the second highest for the week .. but you happen to be going against the one team that scored more?

You know. You kinda just wanna die inside, but you can't because that's not what's best for your House and more importantly: The Norf.

So you just grin and take it. Despite overperforming your projected score, your cocky-as-fuck opponent fucks around and shits out 173 and change. Holy shit, I can't believe that not ony do you get a bunch of 20+'s (four, in fact) but you get 40 out of Lenny. Holy fuckin shit. You lucky son of a bitch.

You could have possibly even scored over 200 if you had the most optimalistest lineup out there - I could do the math but I won't.

W - 122.12 (7-5) Flip Flops & Coronas

L - 86.12 (5-7) The Scallywags

Nothing really to see here except one helluva nice showing by the Flip Flops & Coronas roster. Tom Terrific was anything but, however the rest of the roster was just slappin around dubs all over the place. Well, except for that fucking bum of a rookie Ja'Marr Chase and that complete bum of a running back who no one would probably ever name their team after in Nick Chubb.

That Wafflesburger is probably overdone and charred at this point. Stick a fork in him, he's no better than a random desperate flex at this point.

Jesus. And Run CMC is gone, too.

The Scallywags got absolutely fuckin fucked by injuries and old age. No one could have seen this coming. A Christian McCaffrey season-ending injury at this point in his career? And Wafflesburger coming undone? At this point in his career?

No one saw this coming. No one.

L - 96.46 (5-7) 91 Shrimp

W - 141.42 (4-8) SCHWAAAAAAAB

Oh shit. The god damn bucket of wet baby shit that is the bottom of the standings making some god damn moves this weekend! SCHWAAAAAAAB grabs a dominating win this week by absolutely ass-blasting his projected score by ~17 points.

Sometimes I wonder how the fuck this team a bottom of the barrel quality when it can pull shit like this. I guess Dillon came outta nowhere or some shit. I dunno.

W - 92.06 (4-8) Spider 2 Y U do this

L - 90.72 (6-6) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

OH HOLY FUCKIN SHIT DUDE. Are you fuckin kidding me??

I seriously have no fucking idea how I god damn pulled this shit off. With Cam Newton absolutely eating horse shit, my kicker and tight end spittin' out goose-eggs, it took a heroic effort by Joe "GOAT first name" Mixon to un-fuck my shit.

Then on Monday night the Seattle defense got me within 0.46 points of those giant, achy, swollen testicles.

So who steps in?

Final statline: 1 reception. 13 yards. 1.80 points.

Bam.

Win.

Fuckin' fuck yeah.

Fin.

Hey! It's fuckin December everyone! We're doing it, we're making it through another fucking year! And fuck, despite the fact that so many Herman Cain Awards were given out in 2021, we still have to deal with dipshit misinformation about vaccines and variants in 2022. Fuckin dipshit unvaccinateds.

Anyway, on a lighter note: thanks for the well-wishes last week. I really can't put into words how much that means. Love you all dudes, and I hope everyone stays safe and healthy for this upcoming lucky week 13!

Take care everyone!