Post that I swear to name later
W (4-6) How's ya mom and dem
L (2-8) The Scallywags
Well shit. Don't look now but How's ya mom and dem is 4-2 over his last six and easily could have been 5-1 if he scored 0.09 more points in week 9. Fuckin wild shit, and you love to see the first-year-owner making a surge upwards in trajectory.
Am I jealous? Fuck yeah I am.
Am I confident he'll continue this run? Sure, why the fuck not. Let's see some chaos.
Speaking of chaos, looks like Medical Malady Marv is going to be out for at least one week because the motherfucker got appendicitis. And while Deebo or Rashee Rice could probably stand in and provide adequate replacement-level production, it's gonna be tough for Jacoby to continue his run without what appears to be his favorite target.
The Scallywags.. it looks like it's me and you in a race to fuckin bottom. And while you may have the inside track with two wins, don't you ever doubt that I know how to load up on dead weight for my own descent at this time of the Fantasy Football season.
L (3-7) Ding Dong Pattywhack
W (7-3) Penix Envy
Yikes. Great showing by Mr Penis, and .. I don't even know what to call what I'm looking at with Ding Dong Pattywhack. What a fucking massacre.
Outside of Jahmyr Gibbs, it's just,,
L (5-5) Flip Flops & Coronas
W (5-5) mzarecta
It came down to Monday Night Football, and for those of us who could actually watch the fucking game (fuck you ESPN), this matchup ended in a thrilling victory for mzarecta thanks to AJ Brown's .. uhh, "performance" in Green Bay.
The emo twitter poster put up a an incredibly consequential 2.30 points to help defeat Flip Flops & Coronas by just 1.82 points. I'm somewhat in fuckin shock over this outcome.
So shocked that I don't really have anything else to really say. I know I know, that's a first for someone who can come up with 1400 words about the Pacific Timezone.
L (5-5) The Justin League
W (7-3) Matural Light
Matural Light is just on a fucking mission to capture a playoff BYE week, if not the number one seed in the regular season standings.
The two Reardons are a handful of points away from one another, and they are due to play each other in two weeks - in a matchup that just might determine who the number one seed is going to be.
By that point, Matural Light might have finally moved on from that bum, Trevor Lawrence who - if it weren't for Kyler fucking Murray - would be the one quarterback everyone points to this season as someone who's stock couldn't possibly have fallen any more from the start of the season.
That former number one pick with the gloriously flowing locks is getting outplayed by Mac Fucking Jones and Davis "giraffe neck" Mills.
..but you know what, it probably won't even fucking matter because of Jonathan Taylor Touchdown is just plowing asses left and right this season.
The Justin League, you're one of like, 47 teams tied at 5-5 but don't you dare fret, you're going against all the teams you need to be going against to control your own fuckin Fantasy destiny. All you gotta do is one simple thing: just win baby.
L (5-5) 91 Shrimp
W (8-2) SCHWAAAAAAAAAAB
Welp. Thank goodness SCHWAAAAAARB had the Seattle DEF since they had to pick up quite a bit of slack given Sam Darnold playing like it was a postseason game. What the fuck was that dude's problem? Two fumbles and a pick?? You're not in the Meadowlands anywhere, get your shit together. You don't need to run yourself out of town to get to a better team - you're already in the Pacific Northwest on the Rainy City Bitch Pigeons.
And hot damn, maybe I should have actually traded for god damn Tyler Allgeieieier and further driven myself insane because while both of them tend to produce incredibly well, trying to time which one is going to have the standout game would end up with me trying to drill out a piece of my brain like that guy at the end of Pi.
Either way, it's not like I'm trying to root against my trade partner so I would somehow look better, but I have no idea how to end this sentence.
L (3-7) Neon Dion DeSantis
W (6-4) The Impossible Kid
Fuckin rad. If I had started the other end of the matchup between Jacksonville and Houston, I could have pulled out my fourth win. Instead I found myself screaming at my TV hoping DK Metcalf could have god damn stopped being such a useless piece of shit.
I can't tell if Aaron Rodgers is just too fuckin old. DK Metcalf is not actually that good. Courtland is as good at wide receiver as his namesake apples - which frankly is the most likely culprit. Courtland apples are so fucking mid. They're the 3rd-string receiver of apples. I'd say they're just like Macouns but those are probably the slot receiver of apples.
Olave is like picking what looks to be the nicest looking honeycrisp off the tree, you take a wonderful first bite and it's so juicy and actually cool because it's been sitting in the shade.
But then you turn it around and realize there's a giant fucking hole in it.
Fin
Welp, there we have it folks. Yeah I know, this was a lot more lean cuisine than the usual fat-fucker affairs, but guess what: you'll get over it, just like what I don't let me daughter crawl into the oven like she wants to so very badly.
Holy shit, we're already halfway through November. And this is one of those fuckin steamroll holiday seasons, too. Thanksgiving comes fairly late in November which means one of the fewest number of days before Christmas rolls around and jams us in the face.
So what I'm trying to say is: take care, I hope you get to enjoy this time of year, and make sure your plans are ironclad and bulletproof because before you know it we'll all be waking up and it'll be god damn 2026. What a fuckin weird god damn year to type.
Good luck this week, go Patriots - oh wait, they ALREADY GOT THEIR LEAGUE-BEST NINTH FUCKIN WIN AWW YEA - and hope everyone has a nice and competitive matchup, unless you're going against me, in which case I hope you lose by 100 points.
Love you guys.