Post title
Sorry for bein so late with the column. Stupid god damn Amazon goes down and it keeps me from being able to do fucking do anything.
I couldn't drink water,
I couldn't watch any god damn TV,
I couldn't cook anything on my grill,
I couldn't accept the terms of service on my oven and prepare food there either,
I couldn't even get to sleep because my bed was cooking me alive,
Thankfully, I could rely on just sleeping on the floor to get me through the chaos since I've left it disconnected from the internet.
NFL shit
Enjoy a little soundtrack while we get this shit started,
HE. COULD. GO. ALL. THE. WAY.
RUMBLIN' BUMBLIN' STUMBLIN'
CURTIS "MY FAVORITE" MARTIN
Ok. I'm warmed up. Let's go,
TNF
We begin our week 7 from heaven with the mighty Immunized Stillers of Yinzerland visiting the seemingly Bungle-filled city of Cincy.
But wait, it looks like the modern day Joe Cool has arrived in the form of Mr. ELITE:
The Pittsburgh defense stood no chance against the spry-looking ageless wonder - no I'm not talking about "you done fucked up" A-A-Ron Rodgers.
Joe threw the game of his young 40-year-old life, and carried the Bengals to an incredible win in the Holy-fuck-we-are-all-so-fucking-old Bowl.
Sunday Morning bullshit
To London-town we go next where we thought we'd finally get a decent game with only the third such matchup between two teams over .500 across the pond that those Great Britain crumpet-munchin teabaggers have ever seen.
And instead of something good, this piece of shit game was over in the first fucking quarter.
Matthew Statpadford showed off that even in his old age, he can toss around some great natural tiddies. And in a move straight out of Total Recall, Davante Adams grabbed 3 of them.
Aint's @ Brrss
As we travel back to the not-so-United States as of late, we land in Midway where Italian Beef reigned supreme over poboys for the day.
Sure, I may not have watched a single moment of this game, but from looking at the statline, it would appear that Caleb is an absolutely maddening specimen of talent and painted fingernails. Every Sunday the Superfans of Chicago consider themselves Swifties, but not of the skinny partnerless variety.
(please don't come at me taylor swifties, I'm scared of you)
Dolphins @ Browns
We travel just a hop-skip-and-a-jump to the Factory of Sadness where the horrors of Tua Sucksallova and "Bob" Dillon Gabriel make me want to kill myself with a tamborine, man.
This has to be the end of Michael McDanny. His head coaching career just has to have reached the limits like his capri pants trying to strain across his chicken-leg shins.
Greatriots @ Tittans
We move south of the Mason-Dixon line to the only Ten-I-see or care about: Drake Maye.
I know this may sound like a broken record, but the mother fucking Greatriots are back. No I don't care that they have literally played against teams that would otherwise be relegated if this were a Premier League - and I will continue to not care until we hit the playoffs and I have deluded myself into thinking we can win the whole god damn thing.
Let's go B's I mean P's!
The more things change they more they stay the same: can't wait to see the Colts and Pats in the AFC Championship game.
Oakland Rrrrrrrrrraiders @ Chefs
Let's travel on to the Midwest kingdom of Benign Brisket and Barbeque Rubs that Jesus would die for.
While it would look like the Superbowl window for the Buffalo Bluecows has slammed itself shut, there are a collective few who refuse to pass the torch to the newer generation of competitors: and those few are the motherfucking Chiefs.
Geno "football terrorist" Smith continues his self-imposed internal jihad against any sort of justification that he is worth the salary he is being paid. Every week the Seattle Seahawks look like the Oracle from Minority Report by cutting the man loose before he brought upon this intifada.
Holy shit, the Raiders fucking suck. How did the Patriots lose to this team??
Panthers @ Jest
Iggles @ Vikes
In a move that anyone could have predicted, Jalen Hurts had an incredible game this week since my wife finally decided to bench his ass in favor of Big Dak Energy. AJ Brown has finally put his twitter fingers to good use and fondled up a couple of clutch tiddies - which must have felt like the big bags of sand Saquon must have strapped to his legs because holy shit, why the fuck can this dude not get the same production this year??
The Vikings are struggling mightily - for each of the six red zone trips, they would get lost and end up trapped in Wentzylvania.
I'm sure the team can't wait for JJ to return, excepet for the fact that he also fuckin sucks.
GEEEE Men @ Donkeys
To Mile High we go where for three quarters, the Giants enjoyed a very productive outing, scoring a touchdown in every quarter - but as if the writing was more obvious than a Goosebumps plot twist, the missed PAT and 2pt conversions just had to rear their ugly head later in the game somehow, right? RIGHT??
That they did, but in a worse way than anyone could have ever predicted possible.
After scoring an unprecedented 33 points in the fourth quarter to lead his time to a win, Bo "Kevin Malone" Nix was quoted as saying, "why score in four quarters when one do trick?"
With any fucking combination of the two missed PATs and a missed 2pt conversion that could have been the difference in this matchup, Brian "gave" Daboll and da game away with his poor coaching.
Windiana Jones and the Harbaugh of Doom
While I may have no idea where I was going with that title, I think we can finally claim the Colts are rising up the ranks of legitimacy. Their defense is great. Their offense is great. Their special teams are present. Daniel Jones is playing out of his mind and Jonathan Taylor Touchdown is playing at MVP levels.
Derspite a sweet game by Justin "Herbert's Candies" where he played like he was the lone air traffic controller at LAX the Colts made them look even stupider than they already appeared while wearing full-on dipshit yellow uniforms. Banish those atrocities to color rush.
Commanders @ Dallas
Down we go to Jerryworld where Jayden Daniels continues to regress to the mean, while Dak whipped out his CeeDeez Nutz and put on a show that would be determined illegal in 28 states. Over his last four games, Dak has 1,081 yards, 13 TDs, 0 INTs, and a 128.1 rating. Obviously he fucking sucks and the Cowboys failures are all on him.
Some would say that Romo walked so Dak could run, but we all know Romo stepped on a crack and broke is back so Dak could be under attack.
Washington now has to prepare for an absolute assblasting at the hands of the Chiefs next Monday night.
Pack @ Wolfpack
Kyler Murray inactive just two days after the Battlefield 6 release??
Well, it didn't matter because we had the ever delicious Jacoby Briskett on the menu for the Cardinals. The man played incredibly well, but unfortunately Micah "birthing" Parsons had himself the game all of Green Bay has been waiting for like it was a bowl of cheese curds and mashed brats heating on their backyard tire fire.
We've come a long way from the Wolfpack pic shared from almost 10-years ago, and I don't know about you but I hate it.
Buccos @ Loins
I've been waiting all Monday for Monday Night, and it came and delivered .. a couple of fucking terrible games. Ironic, we started with trash on Sunday morning, and we ended with trash Monday night.
With a defense of complete unknowns cobbled together in a cave with masking tape, playing cards, and streamers, the Legion of Whom played an incredible game against who many have called a front-runner for MVP in "Shake and" Baker Mayfield.
The best part of this game was the 7pm start time. Although the 10pm start for game two was a fucking war crime.
Texans @ Seattle
Well, at least one team from Seattle didn't their hearts absolutely ripped out from their asshole last night. Unfortunately, it wasn't nearly as watchable as the one that took place in the city most Americans think is the northern most MLB city who hosted the team that is actually the northern most MLB team.
Some would say this was a great memorial to the now deceased PAC-12 After Dark, but most would consider it a nightmare worth sleeping through.
RECAP TIME
I know I say this every fucking week, but you're going to have to take this with a bit of salt. This was a brutal week that included me spraining my fucking thumb while stirring up some cauliflower tots for the toddler. Getting old blows, and having more obligations like house, work, family, and a Warhammer addiction means less time for memery and learning new vulgar words.
W (5-2) Penix Envy
L (4-3) The Impossible Kid
We begin with the battle of two teams at 4-2 between Penix Envy and The Impossible Kid. Where the possible remained not.. possible..
Jakobi "Oscar" Meyers and Derren "to the" Waller came up impossibly short with WHAT 0 WHAT ZERO WHAT points Okay. Combine that with Las Vegas breaking even, it looks like this time the house did not always win and Mr. Cox came on top.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg with Tee 'Hee' Higgins finally showing up for his contract with Mr. ELITE getting into his groove. Combine that with an Quinshon "what the fuck is a" Judkins, Daniel "how the fuck is he still doing this" Jones, and the Patriots defense - and you got the recipe for a mother fucking 5th win.
W (4-3) mzarecta
L (1-6) The Scallywags
Another roster grabbing their fourth win where it Ertz would be the inalienable mzarecta while The Scallywags continues his dominance of the final spot in the standings.
Showing up as the highest scoring team this week, mza relied on the incredible combination of Patty "Mayonnaise" Mahomes, AJ "twitter fingers" Brown, and the Mayeflower. Jordan Whittington? More like Jordan Winnington, amirite?
The Scallywags did his best, got some solid production from the skill positions but god damn, I know I bring this up every week but those Quarterbacks are absolute fucking garbage. Who the fuck in this league is hoarding all of them? I'd recommend keeping your eyes open for whoever the Jets decide to start since they apparently seem to be giving reps to a whole range of sacks of shit like DTR, Paxton Lynch, and .. uhh I don't even fucking remember. But the important thing is to not pick any of them up because the Jets fucking suck.
W (2-5) How's ya mom and dem
L (5-2) SCHWAAAAAAAARRRRB
Well holy fuckin' shit. Look who grabbed his second fuckin win by tossing aside the cream of the crop
And it was no thanks to the scrubs on the Texans. Holy shit, what a bunch of shitbags - I thought Houston was supposed to be a deep playoff contender. Instead CJ Stroud has regressed so hard I'm sure that DraftKings and Fan Duel have all sorts of prop bet investigations on his ass (shout out, Rozier).
Thank goodness that Rashee Rice is back and Jaxon Smith-Njigba "please" are more than equipped to carry How's ya mom and dem for the rest of the season.
W (4-3) Flip Flops & Coronas
L (4-3) Matural Light
THE SLIDE CONTINUES FOR Matural Light as he sadly connects another loss. Life is cruel, and Fantasy even moreso. Despite a career day for Jonathan Taylor Touchdown, the rest of that lineup simply could not help keep pace with the ageless and ELITE, Joe Flacco as he and Ja'Marr Chase doubled up to drag Flip Flops & Coronas to a win by the end of Thursday Night.
That said, the fact that Dillon Gabriel is still on the roster - even if just on the bench - is embarrassing and should bring great shame to the Coronas household.
W (4-3) The Justin League
L (3-4) Ding Dong Pattywhack
Back from his absolutely dismal showing last week, The Justin League roars back into prominence and above .500 with a dynamite 140 point showing - 90 of which were accounted for by Justin Herbert, Keenan "wait he's back on the Chargers??" Allen, and Christian "who's wife is the host of some new Top Chef-esque Netflix show and fucking sucks ass - holy shit, I don't even think she eats any of the food or makes a single comment about the dishes" McCaffrey.
Of course, zero questions were answered by either roster this week - who the fuck knows what Jacory Croskey-Merritt has in store for the rest of the season, no one is really sure what even Harold Fannin Jr. is, and definitely who the fuck knows what is going to come of Justin Fields and Tua Sucksatfootballallova.
Oh no wait, I can answer one question: Jaxson is replacing Justin for fucking sure.
And Tua will not start a single game for Ding Dong Pattywhack for the rest of the season.
W (3-4) 91 Shrimp
L (3-4) Neon Dion DeSantis
OK. Now, I'm not going to do what most people probably think I'm going to do and flip out, man. Sure, I'm super disappointed at how Baker Mayfield played against the Lions, but that's not a total shocker that he might lay an egg at some point in the season.
And while I'm super fucking upset that I got completely buttblasted by Bo Nix given that I fucking hate the stupid fucking Broncos, it's gonna happen and of course it'll happen vs. me.
No, what I might actually flip the fuck out about would be this fucking asshole second coming of Trent Richardson, Ashton Jeanty. This fucking guy seems like has all the talent in the world but had to get himself drafted by a complete shitshow of a franchise in the Raiders. They gave this dipshit rookie SIX FUCKING CARRIES on Sunday. They had no fucking chance to beat the Chiefs - JUST RUN THE FUCKING BALL. Stupid fuckers.
Oh, and I may have to lose my shit over the fact that London's own Jaguars fucking shit the bed so bad it would make Kendall Roy blush (I don't care if I've already used this joke). Holy fuck, -4.00 points?? The fuck, the 22 point differential between them and Houston is driving me insane to watch. How the fuck does the Jags team not get up for that game? Who the fuck is Jacksonville's god damn defensive coordinator, and why the fuck did they not leave him in England??
Fin.
Welp. Finally, week 7 can be officially declared dead and gone. Get ready for week 8 and the BYEmageddon that it will bring forth (there's like, 18 teams on BYE give or take a dozen) and especially get ready for the home stretch of Spooky Season! We got 7 more days until Halloween and the beginning of fucking November, holy shit. That was fucking fast.
So stay safe out there, keep your ass warm and out of the jackpot, and definitely take care of yourself. Much love to all you motherfuckers, and as always - I hope you all lose.
PS. Stay away from any NBA-player-hosted poker games for a little bit
WE DOUBLIN' UP TODAY