Proper Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performance

That other football

I guess it's getting underway.

Oh hell yeah, I'm super excited to continue feeding a monstrously evil capitalist grift of galactic proportions. Wait what is that? They just banned cheering with both hands while in stadiums? OK, as long as I can celebrate with good ol' rightie on my own time, that's more than fi-..

Oh. That's banned too? Yikes.

I for one could never have foreseen such a quick degradation of promises. I mean, this is Qatar we're talking about! Sure, there is some controversy about how to pronounce the name, but their ruling class is nothing but rational, empathetic human beings. Why, look at how the welcome people:

Yeah. I'll skip this one.

I personally prefer my World Cup infrastructure built with chattel slavery

Revealed: 6,500 migrant workers have died in Qatar since World Cup awarded

Guardian analysis indicates shocking figure over the past decade likely to be an underestimate

The GuardianPete Pattisson

All that said: are we fuckin PUMPED to root for our country of choice?

The NFL is rough

The NFL is violent. Each play is like simulating a multi-car pileup at 30-45mph. Thats fucking football right there. None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop on the field, men deliver their new born baby on the side lines. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterball foosball fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. Dicks get shoved in places you don’t even remember. We win together we celebrate together.

And sometimes, those men run for public office in order to talk about .. the movies they watched?

Yo. What the fuck are you god damn talking about Herschel? Is your brain seriously nothing but porridge, Georgia references, and fake badges!??

Twitter

So like .. I guess I'm happy that despite the recent shenanigans pulled by quite possibly the greatest example of managing buffoonery in ever, Twitter is still going strong. Really goes to show you how resilient of a platform they built, despite Phony Stark going around and wreckin up the place,

Twitter is still up and holding strong! Shit, they've even had some peak usage days in there as well!

I'm excited for the day that some catastrophic failure occurs, because when you get systems that size, you only invite a larger and more powerful Chaos Monkey to just fuck up your shit.

And when that Chaos Monkey starts blocking the events queue, throwing stinky piles of exceptions, and hiding among the glut of running instances, I can't wait to see tweets demanding to talk to the Manager of Twitter.

Hate to break it to you buddy, you are the manager of twitter.

Although I'd say he's more of an illusionist. It's not easy to make $44 billion just disappear.

No wait. It's actually super easy. Isn't that right, FTX guy?

Now. In case any of y'all are betting folks (IF YOU ARE COME ON DOWN TO SPORTSBOOK DOT DRAFTKINGS DOT COM FOR ALL YOUR SPORTS BETTING NEEDS), you best take the under for Twitter existing in 2023:

Happy 10th Anniversary Everyone!

That's right, it's everyone's favorite ESPN Not Top 10 moment:

The Butt Fumble

And instead of my rambling on with some incoherent rant, featuring examples of sentence structure that would make a middle school english teacher literally peel their own flesh off, imma just post this:

Incredible, legacy-defining moment.

NFL GAMES WEEK 11

Ten I see @ Green Bae

PEACE OUT A-A-RON.

Also. Like. Fuck if I'm going to get used to all of this announcer musical chairs. I don't even remember who calls at what time on what day anymore. Shit is driving me nuts because it's all just too much change for my old ass.

Da Bears @ Falcons

All these haters are probably laughing at the Bears right now will have to watch them finish 3-14, then completely reload in the off-season and go 2-15 next year.

PS. How the fuck did the Patriots lose to this god damn team??

Panthers @ Ravens

I can't really get any sort of read on this game.

Because of this fact, imma just move on.

Detroit Browns @ Detroit Bills

Looks like the Bills went back on home to their second rust belt city home: Detroit.

This really was the ideal result for the Browns, in my opinion: Jacoby had himself a fuckin day, and the Sexual Assault Trader-for'ers lost.

WFT @ Texas

What an absolutely dreadful performance for the Texans. I feel awful for whatever poor fan is still watching that horseshit quality team. Like, they must be the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. Absolutely fucking dreadful.

Fuckin Washington. Man, can Snyder please sell the team so I can enjoy whatever the fuck that squad is?

No? ok.

Iggles @ Lolts

Holy fuck. Jeff Saturdaddy is the real deal.

Right?? RIGHT??

Only conclusion I can really come to is that Frank Reich must have fuckin sucked giant dickity dong. And I'm nothing but some dipshit with a blog thing that might not exist after November 28th, so you should snort a line of salt every couple of paragraphs. Like any sane person should.

Jest @ Greatriots

Man. This game was such a defensive shrugfest.

But holy shit what an ending.

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What else do I got?

Chargers Rams @ Sain'ts

Why the fuck do I always see the Rams logo as the Chargers logo? The fuck is wrong with my brain?

Anyway, did you know:

Saints are,

• 4-0 when Taysom has 40 or more yards from scrimmage
• 0-7 when Taysom has fewer than 40 yards from scrimmage

(source: some guy on reddit)

Loins @ GEEEEEE MENNNN

Lions are the only team out there challenging the NFC East, splitting the division with .. well, the division, 2-2.

Daaa Raidehs @ Boncors

Hahaha. Broncos got swept by Josh fuckin Daniels.

Broncos are something like 11-25 against the division since their Super Bowl in 2016.

Boys @ Vikes

What in the wide wide world of sports happened here!!??

Bengals @ Steeeers

If I didn't realize those were alternates for the Bengals, I'd assume the team was called the Zebras or some shit. They look pretty damn nice, but it's still fucking weird.

And no. I ain't got shit for photography.

2-0 in the unis, tho.

Chefs @ Charge

What can I get you?

I’ll have a Chiefs win over the Chargers by 3 points.

How original.

With a game winning Travis Kelce touchdown.

Daring today, aren’t we?

(source: another guy on reddit)

PS. who the fuck seriously thought they weren't going to win after the Charge scored that go-ahead touchie? Fuckin greatness. What a bitch.

RECAP

All right everybody! Make sure to get everyone's buddies in there to put us all in the right Fantasy Football mood:

With everyone now riding the same mindset, let's get into some week 11 recaps!

L - 82.50 (6-5) Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

W - 104.66 (10-1) Seyton Manning

Oh my goodness, I haven't seen a Gentlemen's Agreement game since the they integrated Major League Baseball!

Obviously, not having a kicker for a week is a clever way to stash a player in that kicker roster spot, but I really think that Seyton is just rubbing his near-insurmountable Pts For total in all of our faces while he shows how little he cares for his point output.

Of course, as of 5:27 PM, Monday afternoon this game is still undecided. Sure Yahoo is putting Seyton at 24:1 odds that he takes the dub, but as a wise philosopher once said:

"So you're telling me there's a chance."

I can't wait to see Colt McCoy fucking body the 9ers, but have Dumbledong lose because James Harrison appears out of nowhere and literally hits Colt so hard that he fumbles 7 times on one play.

L - 89.44 (2-9) I Am The Captain Now

W - 146.20 (5-6) Matural Light

It's all over. Please somebody, stop the match. Let Captain just get off the god damn mat.

Oh whoops:

While getting up, he stumbled, fell out of a window, and fell head-first onto an outhouse, and (as you all can picture) just drove their face straight into a pile of generational doodoo.

[JOE: I have a gif for this, but I'm fairly sure I'd be arrested if I shared it on the internet]

Oh wait, that's actually just Captain over the last couple of weeks. When it rains it pours, amirite everyone????

Congrats on getting yourself within one game of .500 Mr. Light. I'm jealous since that only time I'd qualify would be the start of week 2 when i'm 0-1.

L - 111.30 (6-5) Flip Flops & Coronas

W - 128.86 (9-2) The Dakstreet Boys

God damn. The first two matchups had Kickers and a Defense missing.

Now Flip Flops has gone full Ichabod Crane and went in with no fucking Quarterback! A GOD DAMN MAD MAN.

And yet, the motherfucker still scored 111+ points. It's like watching a chicken get its head cut off, but it still runs around in circles spraying everyone with neck blood. Truly a lesson in reslience and stubborness.

I'm excited I get to check out a new potential keeper in Kadarius that I just traded fo-.

Wait.

0.00

Oh.. come the fuck on.

L - 94.42 (4-7) SCHWAAAAAAAAB

W - 119.00 (5-6) The Scallywags

Welp. I'm just gonna come back to this one after Monday Night Football.

...

Oh shit.

I completely forgot about this shit. No wonder writing these shits up went so quickly.

The Scally9ers really relied on that strong San Francisco foundation, and it pisses me the fuck off because I literally lost because I left Kittle on my fucking bench because I figured he was done and Kmet was the one.

Stupid bullshit.

L - 126.14 (6-5) 91 Shrimp

W - 148.36 (7-4) The Impossible Kid

Hah. This motherfucker actually figured out how to start Zach Wilson, and win!

And that would be by starting a second quarterback. If only the Jets could do the same!

Hmm. I wish I had any other smartass thing to add to this one .. but it's your usual run-of-the-mill fantasy matchup that includes the Superflex:

One team wins. One team loses.

One walks away with seven wins.

The other limps away with five losses.

Really, a tale as old as time.

W - 80.2 (2-9) Spider 2 Y U do this

L - 77.86 (4-7) mzarecta

Pretty excited that my last-minute substitution could have easily cost me this week. I had faith that Mac Jones would right the ship. I wanted to root for him. And it cost me 18+ points. Holy shit, I'd be so upset if I lost.

But I didn't!! I FUCKIN WON! TIED FOR LAST PLACE. FUCK YEAH.

mza, I'd like to wish you the best of luck with DeVante. I don't understand what the fuck is going on over there, but I definitely didn't think he'd be less productive than a dry cough. How the fuck was I ever excited about him being on my favorite NFL team as well as being excited about having him on my fantasy team.

Got the god damn Double Dragon.

What? It's much worse than you would think. Watching any iota of the movie will give you painful and disturbingly-colored diarrhea.

Fin.

Power rankings comin later in the week.

Somehow I'll fit it in with Thanksgiving coming up. Can't fuckin believe we're hosting this year - it's going to be a god damn shit festival, and I couldn't be more excited.

With any luck we won't make the news and I'll get to report on something stupid and inane.

Howevah. Until that moment, you all best take care of yousselves. Much love to you all, good luck as we start hittin that thick part of the holidays. This Turkey Day slate of games is gonna be pretty neato, so get those waiver picks in and I'll see you sometime mid/late week ... if at all.

Gobble gobble.

Post Fin.

Raymond Green Vance (he/him)
Kelly Loving (she/her)
Daniel Aston (he/him)
Derrick Rump (he/him)
Ashley Paugh (she/ her)

They deserve to be remembered.