Read this, Bozo

Stay off the WEEEEEEEEEEE-duh

I'm sick and fucking tired of this ridiculous capitalization of weed.

No, I'm not talking about the 18 flavors of weed seltzer that I can buy that somehow take only 15 minutes to kick in, last exactly 298 minutes, and then it's out of my system 2 minutes later.

I love the fact that I can start my day with a little tincture of THC. A little after lunch, I can take a vape hit or two to just keep myself bright and clear .. and lazy and toasted. Then in preparation of quittin' time, I slam an edible and pack some flower into a bong. Once things get a little slowed down towards the end of the evening, I might take a full dose from the tincture and lay my lazy head to sleep.

Obviously, I've tried some other methods: smokin hash, takin some shatter to my brain matter, doin a dab or eight (and then coughing for roughly 125 minutes), butt bonging, smokin vape juice, vaping flower, joint caulking, waterfall shotguns, gas masks, you name it, I've sucked smoke through it 😏

I don't really have a problem with all the different methods if toking. I think a little THC can help a lot of people in a variety of ways, but grinding up some flower, throwing it in a glass bowl, and rippin a fat green hit still isn't all that normalized for a significant portion of the population. I love that I can walk Sophie while drinking a can of weed seltzer, or munch a couple [too many oh my god oh no] edibles at the dinner table.

So you too, can get baked at home in almost an uncountable amount of ways.

Where I draw the line are these new ways people describe their weed or highs. There are some words that should frankly be god damn illegal to use when selling your THC products:

• Energy/Energetic*
• Focus
• Concentrate

*I can get down with those if they are implying you have less energy, or are less energetic.

Anyone that says they get "energized" after getting high is probably getting themselves too high when they toke and in reality, what they're experiencing is a god damn panic attack. Their anxiety is through the roof. That's why your heart is racing and you think you can't breathe, ya jamoke. You didn't get some burst of energy from that fuckin NY Sour Diesel. In fact, you just wasted 35 minutes making sure the batteries in the TV remote were rotated perfectly.

And don't fuckin tell me that the aforementioned example is a perfect definition of increased focus. Weed is fuckin antithetical to concentration or focus or whatever you want to say, unless the subject happens to be a a fucking Where's Waldo or some shit.

I legit had some asshole on the internet tell me that they can separate the right shit out so you can get high and focus on something like homework.

Most stupidest fuckin shit I ever did heard.

These people will buy some fucking Indica flower that's 43% THC, smoke it out of a multi-chamber, nitrogen-cooled, reverse osmosis, anti-gravity bong. Get off the ceiling, sit down to start their Organic Chemistry problem sets, then wake up 19 hours later in the same chair but 4' to their left.

Yeah. Fuckin laser focused there.

Run run, Rudolph

So last weekend I took part in the Cambridge 5K Winter Race. It was my second official race and while I didn't train too hard for it, I feel like I run enough that shooting for maybe a sub 26 minute 5k would be attainable.

Anyway, having this be my second ever race, I'm still am in awe when I'm there. I've attended races, large and small, Boston Marathon, lesser marathons, a friend's race, etc... But that feeling when you realize that you're gonna be in the center with people watching you (well, not really, but kinda) is kinda fuckin awesome.

That feeling of being vying for the attention of people watching was not really something I can get via pickup games or Rocket League tournaments. And I assume I wouldn't get it from crowds that watched those basketball games I could never make because I was constantly brokened in NYC (at least I paid my dues), either.

My back is too busted, my knees too torn up, my everything too muched to really deal with any high-intensity impact sports.

But running? I can't believe it took me ~36 years on this Earth to actually understand the ins-and-outs of running:

• Having the right shoes.
• Knowing the right posture.
• Don't fuckin lean forward, loser.
• Keep a consistent pace, even if it feels slow.
• Podcasts are just as good as a good playlist.
• Runners drink like masons.

It's fun! Whenever I tried running in my teens/20s/early-to-mid-30s it would lead to incredible amounts of physical pain: in my back, my shoulders, my ankles, my knees, fucking everything.

But then I learned the right shit and can whip out a 5k in less than 30 minutes. Shit feels good man.

One thing tho .. that final point: Runners drink like masons. What the fuck is up with that shit? When I ran that Cambridge Winter 5K, I almost puked a few times from pushing myself to probably the highest limit I've had while running. The last thing I wanted was to drink up an IPA or some shit. Jesus holy fuck I'm kinda pukin' in my mouth thinking about crossing the finish line, walking to the team tent, and popping open an 18 ounce Sour Double IPA.

There's no way I could just abuse my body like that. I just want a nice shower, stretch, a decent meal, some THC ingested in at least 3 methods, strong painkillers, multiple masterbation sessions, possibly some crack, and then finally relaxing to a day of NFL Football.

Maybe if I were in my 20s I'd be down, but that's not for me no more. In a way, I salute all of those who do. Maybe if the weather wasn't fucking freezing, I wouldn't mind standing around in sweaty running gear, but it was just a little too much for this pussy ass bitch.

So that was my report of my first non-Christmas-Sweater-related Official Race.

Oh, Dear God.

I just realized this entire section is like those god damn stories that're included with recipes online nowadays.

Sure, I did find the story about how this chicken wing rub was inspired after your mother spent a night in a holding cell for public intoxication and disturbing the peace. Well .. actually I would love more stories like those before recipes.

But the gimmicky ones that are an excuse to flex the recipe creator's writing abilities and seek so much attention in order to validate their sad and pathetic little lives. Definitely not what I'm doing here. Absolutely no overlap whatsoever. Two separate circle venn diagram n shite.

Early Games

Buccs @ Falcons

Atlanta winning against Tom Brady is hot lava.

Giants @ Dolphins

Tu'Anon is good.
Giants are not.

Colts @ Texans

JTT: 143 yards.
Texans: 141 yards.

Texans are so fucking sad. Jesus shit.

Vikes @ Lions

Things weren't looking great towards the end of the game here .. even with that lead in the fourth, the Lions were poised to maybe at least add to it but with 8:30 left in that fourth quarter, the lions failed their 8th straight 3rd down attempt (0-8 for the game at that point) by throwing a fucking interception. Fucking Jared Goff. Are you fucking kidding me?

How the ever-loving fuck does Zimzam still have a job? They had three failed 2 point conversions ... and lost by 2. Jesus.

Eagles @ Jets

Minshew Mania vs. White Supremacy

..well, if this took place like 8 weeks ago.

I have to admit, I initially thought it was Russell, which is a bad sign for the Seahawks

I know I pile on the Jets, but credit where credit is due: what a great play on 4th down for the tiddie

But it weren't good enough, and the Eagles continue their record of literally never fucking losing to the Jets, and I know at least one Eagle fan that actually impressed Minshew instead of the other way around:

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Cardinals @ Bears

Perhaps it is time to Crown Their Asses (RIP Denny)

And of course, the obligatory:

Charge @ Benguys

Another week of games. Another week of not knowing whether either of these teams are any good.

At least the game was pretty solid until Joe Mixon fucked up. But yeah, the Chargers blew out the Bengals by 24 points to start .. and after Cincy caught up San Diego went ahead and just blew them back the fuck out again.

What a stupid game.

Late Games

Jags @ Chargers Rams (I hate their logo)

Trevah has one solitary tossing tiddie in 5 games. [Laughs in McCorkle]

This Jaguars team is fucking trash. They make the Texans look functional. Even the Lions could fuck up this Jacksonville team. This is just fucking sad.

Football Team @ Raiders

Welp. This Football Team seems pretty fuckin fun to follow and I absolutely hate it because fuck Dan Snyder with a rusty pitchfork.

And now this god damn team actually defeated the Coin. They KILLED THE COIN.

Ravens @ Steelers

As crazy as this fucking game ended up being, I feel like it's just par for the course for that god damn insane division of weirdos: AFC North.

Just completely and absolutely crazy. Every one of those teams have been beating the fuck out of each other in some really disturbing display of circle-jerkery the likes of which I simply can not recall.

Can't really blame Llama too much given that TJ was about to absolutely obliterate him into a fine mist.

Fuck. Stupid NFL blocking the video of the end of the game. It's kind of important to the context of this review .. plus it's just fucking insanity that Harbaugh decided to do that. Completely unexpected. I wonder if he just thought his defense couldn't handle another Steeler drive or some shit. Fucking wild ending and Andrews almost actually caught it.

Blah blah AFC North big hits, concussions, blood, monster hits, toradol.

9ers @ Seahawks

Death.
Taxes.
Seahawks>9ers.
9ers>Rams.
Rams>Seahawks.
Cardinals somewhere: WILDCARD BITCHES

PRIIIIME TIIIIEM

Broncos @ Chefs

Welp. Looks like Teddy Throwsevelt just ain't that guy. Just can't seem to do much of anything well or with any fuckin emotion. Dude just doesn't fuckin care. Shows up. Clocks in. Cashes checks.

HE FUCKING CHECKED DOWN A FREE PLAY. A FREE FUCKING PLAY.

Just watch Teddy 2Gloves during this shitty interception he throws,

Greatriots @ Bill's

I can't even begin to describe the hilarity behind this game. So let me try to do it with words and memes:

When you rebuild your team in a solitary year.

But for reals, the fact that with all the god damn swirlingly trash weather predicted for Monday Night, it seems like Belichick took a look at his rookie quarterback, realized he can't possibly put something like this bullshit on his shoulders, and just decided,

So fucking simple. Even if it fails, all the pressure would be on Bill to explain why he didn't let Mac throw the ball even with the wind at his back. Fuckin, what a guy.

That's why we practice this shit.

I don't care if you have to click through to youtube.com because the shit is sweet.

Bill is having a blast out there and it shows. That motherfucker ran a QB sneak on 3rd and 5 .. and the crazy son of a bitch almost converted when Mac gained 4 yards n change. Bill starts passing in garbage time. He's just completely unhinged, and as a Patriots fan I'm fucking here for it.

RECAP THIS

W - 145.98 (7-6) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

L - 120.12 (5-8) Seyton Manning

Yeah. I guess this was a game of consequence. Seyton's gotten his nut busted from playoff contention, and I think the swollen testicles might just be in it with the win. There's basically a shitload of 8-5 teams and The Impossible Kid at the top of shit mountain at 9-4.

Sory sorry, didn't mean to clog up this recap with other team bullshit.

..but I had to because there's nothing that interesting going on. Sure, Kyler had himself a fuckin day with 32+, and the slew of double digies is pretty fuckin impressive (you cocksucker), but whatever.

Really, the most interesting thing that raised my eyebrows is that Keenan Allen is on the Covid list? When'd that fuckin happen??

W - 149.90 (8-5) Chubb and Tug

L - 84.46 (9-4) The Impossible Kid

Holy fuck. With 32+ from Justin Jefferson and 37+ from Greg Kittle, it didn't fuckin matter what else you done did Chubbsy Tugsy, The Impossible Kid was absolutely and completely fuckin smeared all over the ground like some wet piece of shit by the bare foot of fantasy football.

Those two completely Reeked The Impossible Kid like Ramsay.

W - 147.64 (8-5) I Am The Captain Now

L - 131.90 (5-8) The Scallywags

Oh wow. Another 8-5 team. Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.

I suppose since this matchup was actually pretty close, I should in fact give more of a shit. And it was nice to see I Am The Captain Now finally get off his fuckin loser shnide. Congratulations, Captain. It looks like you righted your ship, now stop fuckin up and make some noice in the playoffs.

The Scallywags. You may have given Wafflesburger his last ride.

W - 118.96 (5-8) SCHWAAAAAAAB

L - 117.58 (8-5) Matural Light

HOLY FUCKIN SHIT. THE GOD DAMN CIVIL WAR GAME DID NOT DISAPPOINT!

My team gave a worse performance than Kavanaugh when it truly mattered, but unfortunate for me, I'm not owed a Win because I helped steal a literal Presidential election in 2001. So as a result, I lived vicariously through this wonderful matchup of once brothers.

By all accounts, this was the perfect example of Hare vs. the Tortoise.

Matural Light was that hare. Predicted to destroy his brother by ~20 points. Had huge big game performances from Herbie, Javonte, and Kirk(?). Even had some flashyness from that Indy DEF.

But when push came to shove, that mother. fucking. tortoise plodded along through Thursday Night into the Early Sunday games. Then from the Late Sunday games into Sunday night.

Then when all seemed calm and relaxed, this SCHWAAAAAAAB mother fucker walks up and just mushroom tattoos his own brother with Damien Harris and Jared Allen.

Well .. mostly Damien Harris. JAllen was necessary, but 12.70 points is fuckin pathetic.

L - 96.14 (5-8) 91 Shrimp

W - 150.28 (8-5) Flip Flops & Coronas

Oh great. Another 8-5 team. Oh, and another 5-8 team.

And another blowout.

Ugh. Thanks a lot you jerks. You couldn't have made this more boring for me to go over.

Hmm. Anything remarkable? I guess I'll bring up this fact: I swear to our ever-angry God that this season has a gigantic uptick in Player Goose-Eggs. Everyone's gettin' 0.0 from at least one player, and yet we're still hitting 140, 150, 170 points.

Fuckin wild.

W - 110.56 (6-7) mzarecta

L - 78.04 (4-9) Spider 2 Y U do this

It may seem like I repeat myself with this, but I have to admit that this week may have been the absolute shittiest week of fantasy football I've ever put my roster through. I was scrambling to just meet the minimum number of skill positions on the starting lineup because of all the god damn late scratches and Bye weeks just lining up and dick punching me.

The worst had to be Swift's late scratch because I would have happily started anyone else on my bench. 0.90 points is better than zero, which is fuckin pathetic as hell.

Yeah. Congrats mza. You won. Well done, you god damn bastard.

Fin.

Lucky 13 down the hatch. How much fucking more of this can there be?? WHEN WILL I BE FREE.

Ahh well, until that happens I hope everyone enjoys their December! Monday Night was Saint Nicholas day (Święty Mikołaj) and every year I'd get a nice meager little present appetizer. Poland may not have understood birthdays and birthday parties that well when I lived there, but fuck yourself if you think they won't celebrate any and all Name's Days. Who cares when you were born, your name is Mary and there's like 9 Name's Days throughout the year for Saint Mary.

Anyway, it was never a huge present like a video game, but it was something fun - like a $15-25 Lego set. Loved that shit. Loved that day. I always bragged the fuck out of it at school because otherwise, it was all Submarine with screendoor and cordless extension cord jokes.

So yeah, mark your calendars and maybe surprise someone in your life next year with a little Polish Present.

Take care everyone, stay healthy, stay safe, stay warm (unless it's 60 again), and love you guys.