Baker Buccos @ Bill's

All I got for this one is that Baker Mayfield throws a fucking beautiful hail mary. Just a crying shame Godwin couldn't come down with it,

If I could describe this game using words, I would use the words:

The game was close and not close at the same time.

Ramses @ Dem Boys

The Cowboys annhilated the Rams in a way that 99% of all Texans think they'd destroy them California Libtard elites.

Off the field, they'd probably die of poverty and no electrical grid - but thankfully Football is played on a field. Although I don't know if you could describe what the LA Rams played this week as football.

Scorigami: Happened.

Vikes @ Pack

The end of Kirktober has arrived. From the Vikings being the spookiest of teams to now being without its fearless albeit bland as mayo and white bread leader, is just another example of how god damn brutal the NFL is.

We now have a second QB tearing his achilles, and it begs the question,

Failcons @ Fake Oilers

And fucking Arthur "i'm from a family of billionaires" Smith, you stupid fucking moron. You have spent first round picks on a wide receiver, a stud rb, a transcendant tight end, and instead you have your third string tight end throw a pass to your second string tight end. Or vice versa, but who the fuck cares.

STOP FUCKING MIS-USING YOUR INCERDIBLE TALENT YOU DUMB FUCK.

NOOOOOO @ Lolts

We are living in the age of high-powered players named T. Hill .. and one guy named Rashid Shaheed. What a fucking monster.

Also, I think I've maybe figured out how to solve the Colts' QB issues:

Leastriots @ M.I.A.

Welp. Going into this game and shit, even after the Pats got that first score, I have tro admit:

But then all those positive vibes were completely and utterly god damn destroyed, and the Pats reminded me of who they truly were,

Stupid fucking hope. At least the Panthers and Broncos won, so now the Pats have moved up and currently sit at pick number 4!

Jest @ Gints

Oh. I was totally sick with a completely real sickness for this game,

There's no way I would be caught dead watching any of the 28 punts that took place at the Meadowlands that day. Holy fuck.

Jaggins @ Steeeers

Iggles @ Commies

You know, the Tush Push gets a lot of ire but I think it's because it doesn't have the kind of name that lends itself to the mythical theme of the NFL. Gladiators of the gridiron. The frozen tundra of Lambeau field. That's some fuckin verbiage.

Maybe they should call it something like, the Bottom Bludgeon or Rear Admiral.

Just spitballin' here.

Tejans @ Kittehs

Clevelosers @ Rainy City Bitch Pigeons

Another missed start by Groper Cleveland, and yet the Browns almost pulled off the win in Seattle.

But they didn't, and now the god damn Seahawks are in first place in the NFC West just like everyone fucking predicted.

Chefs @ Donkeys

Have you heard about Kelce and his girlfriend, Taylor Swift?

Raves @ Stl Cardinals

Ravens almost gave this fuckin game away, but instead of going into more detail, here's a picture proving that Wemby is an actual alien from the planet Baskethoop:

Bungles @ Fraudy 9ers

In an alternate and just universe, this would be a reality

Chitown @ Charge

Holy shit. The Bears fucking stink. The band of footbaLLLLLL they play is so fucking bad. I can't believe this was the Sunday Night game. What a torturous game to display to the nation.

Even with Justin Herbert moonlighting acting as that asshole CEO guy from that new fuckin Bill Burr anti-Millennial movie on Netflix instead of practicing,

The Chargers completely fucking curb-stomped the Bears, and it wasn't all that exciting to watch. It was frankly fucking painful.

How painful?

As painful as watching another garbage fucking movie/special that's cashing in on shitting on us Millennials. Seriously: fuck right off you shitbirds. The same dickbags that raised us are now capitalizing on putting us the fuck down just because we have the gaul to push back on a bunch of fuckery that's led to use having to rent for longer than we'e wanted, and actively preventing so many from affording luxuries and lifestyles we were promised as long as we worked for it.

Thankfully, as the MTV Generation, we've been able to develop some defensive mechanisms,

Raiders @ Lions

Holy fuck. Yet another garbage-tier primetime game to watch. I guess this one ultimately decided the fate of Mr. McDaniels but instead of being happy for Raiders fans, I'm pissed that one of my more consistent targets of ire is gone from the head coaching ranks.

I'm kinda excited to see the Raiders resurrect their Commitment to Exellence mantra that guided them through decades of pretty fucking high quality play.

But I know they got quite a bit of dumbassery to work out - at this point that standard was so god damn low an ant would trip over it.

Their Team Anthem could have been the fucking Benny Hill music.

The replay of him trying to hit a wide open Davante Adams is incredible,

LET'S RECAP SOME SHIT

October is over. We got fucking snow in Massachusetts. Winter is fucking coming and we better god damn fucking hunker down.

BECAUSE WE ARE DOOMED. DOOMED, I TELL YOU.

W (4-4) Seyton Manning

L (3-5) The Impossible Kid

Seyton putting together a nice little winning streak to claw himself back into respectability. Sure, he has a fuckin long way to go, but now it's a bit shorter than what The Impossible Kid needs.

Hope none of y'all are expecting any advanced analysis because all I got is:

• Holy sit Joe Burrow is fuckin back
• I'm seein' double here: four T. Hills
• Fuck if I have any idea how good Dak is

Now, for your Impossible Kid analysis, let's take a look at this reaction:

Wow, you can really feel the emotion emanating from the visual.

L (5-3) Matural Light

W (4-4) SCHWAAAAAAAAB

Oh how the mighty have fallen in the like ... 17th(?) annual,

This Matural Light fucker is struggling to hold onto a bye-week, and with your competition owning the tie-breaker and more wins it doesn't look like Eks Gone Give it to Ya.

Congratulations SCHWAAAAAAAAB for slammin' the hammer down with your fucking ridiculous combo of Allen and CD. Two 30+ point performances really mask Nacua falling off the deep-end. I'm shocked this first-in, last-out, lunch-pail-carrying gymrat had himself a pathetic 5 points and change.

No, I don't really have anything more that's all that funny - at this point I have fewer jokes left than frames in this recording of SCHWAAAAAAAB rockin his celebration dance,

L (2-6) Flip Flops & Coronas

W (7-1) Eks Gone Give it to Ya

I imagine this is Flip Flops' reaction after seeing Hopkins' performance with a first-time starting rookie qb:

What the ever-loving fuck. 32+ points on the bench is god damn brutal - and frankly, 100% unexpected given that there was no way anyone would have predicted the Mayo Messiah having any sort of remotely decent game.

If there's a bright side (and really, there isn't) I guess it'd be Flip Flops making it a week without losing any more players! And good, because he legit has no more IR spots to stash them in, which is fucking ridiculous.

At 7-1, Eks Gone Give Himself even more breathing room between first and second place, in no small part thanks to both D. Hopkinses:

• One on Flip Flops' bench (not sure if I had mentioned that yet)
• And another starting as kicker for Ek(ersley)

I can't see Ek and not think Dennis. Stop breaking my brain, damn it.

W (5-3) Inglebert Paratestes

L (5-3) mzarecta

This shit came down to Monday Night, which is a bunch of fuckin malarkey. I got shit to fucking do god damn it, and I can't even get to writing.

OK. With that over: Holy fuckin shitass, Inglebert really tossed those Paratestes on the table. Sure, his quarterbacks didn't really do much of shit, but fuck if he didn't get all he needed from his pair of running backs.

Man was hungry for the meats,

Gibbs and Kamara absolutely fuckin slayed, and it definitely helped to get double digits from like, every-fucking-one else (except of Waller and the LAClippers D/ST).

Holy shit, Waller sucks asshole but then again you see the motherfucker they got passin' to him??

Speakin of trash passers, the fuck happened to Patrick Mahomes?? Don't get me wrong, it was immensely satisfying to watch his covid-having (I mean, most likely) ass absolutely fuck up left and right,

But all the criticism is going to do is provide the Chefs with enough bulletin board material to fuck up the rest of their opponents into the playoffs, where they will most assuredly fucking cruise to the Super Bowl.

You heard me. Cincy ain't shit. Ravens ain't shit. The road to Super Bowl LVIV still goes through delicious KC masterpiece country.

W (5-3) 91 Shrimp

L (3-5) The Scallywags

I reached out to The Scallywags to give me a quote about his decision to start T-Bag and Mac over Josh Dobbs and subsequently lose the matchup, but unfortunately this was all I was able to get as a response,

The combo of Jalen Hurts and AJ Brown is fucking stupid. Every week it seems like they find creative ways to split 60 fucking points. How 91 Shrimp is only 5-3 is beyond me, the team should have at least 6 or 7 wins.

Because of the underperforming nature of the team, I think they should be disqualified from postseason play - or at least have my team replace them.

It's really the only fair action to take.

L (3-5) I Am The Captain Now

W (2-6) Neon Dion DeSantis

Some would say this type of victory would be nothing better than pure emptiness, over a team led by quarterbacks where if Kurt Cobain had their combined accuracy, he would look like,

(and actually, before I move on holy shit: Desmond Ridder fucking sucks. Like,, seriously: Shit man, he is so damn bad)

Anyway, I would have to disagree on the empty nature of this win. Personally, I'm fucking loving it. I can't remember I had such a balanced attack and topped 120+ points.

And I needed it bad: week 9 has like half of my god damn roster on Bye, and with Daniel Jones barely clinging to life with his melted baby-food brain, I'm struggling to fucking find even just a corpse that may get me a handful of points at the quarterback spot.

Seriously: fuck off, all of you. All these fucking teams carrying 4 or 5 fucking quarterbacks, leaving tens of points on the bench because they think it's some sort of competitive advantage or some bullshit. Fuckin chill out, you bastards.

Fin.

Oh shit. We're like,, halfway through the fuckin season aren't we?? Where does the motherfuckin' time go? Before we know it, the playoffs will hit us like a mack truck and 2024 will be right around the corner. Shit man, time just kinda keeps plodding on making fools of us all, doesn't it?

Doesn't mean we can't fuckin roll the windows down, stick our asses out the window and just enjoy the cool air on a bare behind while we ride on through to the other side.

Hope everyone's Halloween was spooktacular, wholesome, and filled with sugar and beer.

Now it's time to grip it and rip it, because Thanksgiving is staring us down with its cold dead eyes, offering delicious stuffing as a lure in order to trap and claim our lives. We must'nt (what the fuck was that contraction?) let it win, we must persevere.