Here.

We.

Fuckin.

Oh shit, Ekeler already scored? Oh fuckin' hell I didn't even have games on ye-. Jimmy GQ just fumbled on the snap?? AHH FUCK STOP. SLOW DOWN. I HAVEN'T PROPERLY STRETCHED BEFORE WATCHING. I'M SO BEHIND.

OH FUCKIN HELL.

Thursday Game

Receiver party!

No Evans allowed.

Tom Brady is Omegakaren

So what's up with our boy Brady?

I feel like we're seeing some signs of .. some sort of transformation. A transformation that I'm frankly terrified of.

Yeah, sure, it's fun to joke around when he's being self-deprecating during the jersey number "drama" but it's more than that. There will become a point when,

is not parody anymore. And I'm worried that we won't realize it until it's simply too late.

Early Games

Vikes/Bengals

Go Bama.
#RollTide.
Fuck Cousins.

Which is why I'm rooting for Cincy.

Turns out Ja'Marr Chase can see an NFL football. 50-yard fuckin bomb for his second touchdown.

I gotta get a highlight of that somewhere.

Man. Those Bengals black stripes on a solid white uni is fucking clean. I love that shit, looks beautiful ... until you see those orange fuckin helmets like someone stuck a clown nose on a birch tree.

Titties & Cards

Outside of watching Chandler Jones (why can't we get players like that???), I don't give two shits about this matchup. I've ranted about it before but I fucking can't stand the Arizona Cardinal home aesthetic. It's like the Pacers. It's about as exciting as peeling a carrot.

Don't fucking offend me, my sensibilities, and my very personal concept of not gouging my own eyes out with sporks by broadcasting Cardinal home games. Fuck you.

..see you again next week for this same complaint!

Houston n Jagoffs

That first drive looked pretty great. Converted on three third downs and scored a touchy.

Or maybe it's just that the Jags are complete, and utter, trash. They are fucking terrible. TLaw tosses a cross-body pick like some dipshit.

I'll still give credit where it's due, they seem to have a decent starter in Tyrod.

Bills/Steeeers

Not featured whatsoever on redzone since there's been nothing but a measely field goal in the first quarter. And the first gameplay I ended up seeing was Cove[id] Beasley dropping a wide open pass like some fucking loser.

Speaking of fuckin losers. God damn it, Steelers. How the fuck did Wafflesburger pull that win out of his second-half hat??

See?? That shit is a miracle!

Ben has no right winning a game like that one.

Seahawks/Colts

I feel like I had something to say about this game. Maybe that I'm happy Wilson got a passing tiddy. Or maybe this stupid Fox 4K camera thing that they exclusively use in the end zone is .. boring as hell already.

Show me some actual in-game action with the 4K-downscaled-to-production-van-then-output-upscaled-then-downscaled-for-my-4:3-composite-driven-television.

Something to keep me interested.

Anyway.

Nice.

Panthers/Jets

Please don't make me comment about this one. There's nothing good about what this game wanted to be.

Well, it does provide the ability to shit on Adam Gase, but we have the freedom to do that every single other day of the year. Having to sit and watch the Darnold-led Panthers is not worth being able to do it for 365 days straight.

WFT and ... hmm

WFT Organization's "Shitting on Fans" in mid-season form.

I also would have accepted such captions as, "SHE CALLED THE SHIT, POOP"

That franchise doesn't deserve a player like McLaurin - which reminds me, I need to find a highlight of that insane sideline reception. Dude didn't stop adjusting until the fuckin ball slapped him in the hands.

Simply incredible.

Really hope we didn't just lose Fitzy for the year.

Late games

Patriots/Dolphins

Welp. I ain't fuckin document anything about nothing with this game on.

And even then, all I'm really focusing on is what a god damn gut-punch of an ending. Mac Jones lookin pretty .. great all game long. Takin hits, making throws, moving the chains. And then Damien Harris has to go and just fumble the game away.

Of course as a Patriots fan, with regards to Damien: I'm still a well-wisher, as in I don't wish any specific harm. I understand that the team as a whole loses. That sure the fumble was very obvious, but they could have converted earlier on and not needed that score to win the game.

But as someone who can't process much thought outside the incoherent and expletive-filled rants: the fuck is wrong with this kid? Wanted to show up his old Alabama teammate? Does Harris actually hate Mac Jones? I'm starting to think so. Why else sabotage what was assuredly, his first win?

For shame.

Brownses

Remember how I said I didn't pay attention to anything else?

Well.

I lied.

Just wanted to give a shout-out to all the Odell owners in the league:

What the fuck? Get you fucking ass on the god damn fucking field and play you god damn bum. I paid $18 in one league and fucking KEPT you for $44 in another! You're making me look like a god damn dipshit of an owner! And I don't need any of your help to do that myself.

...

Oh. And like. The punter totally fucked up:

.

Whatever other late afternoon game

Let me think about it...

I got nothing.

Oh wait, there was the Saints vs. Packers game!

And let's move on.

Other shite

Urban and the Failed Career

News came out about what's his face down in Jacksonville? Keith Urban? Oscar Meyer?

Anyway, apparently he's still treating grown fuckin adult millionaires like college atheletes that recycle every 3-4 years. Somewhere I'm sure "Quick" Rick Pitino is dying to provide more advice to Urban about transitioning to the pros.

☐ Still has to fire a beloved patriarch.
☐ Still has to trade away good assets in frustration.
☐ Still has to call the fanbase, "The Fellowship of the Miserable"

You have precious little time, Keith Urban "Oscar" Meyer. Weiner.

Streaming is Life

It's official: I'm old and too slow.

Can't get access when and where I need it. Feels bad man.

However, the story doesn't have to end! Come lads, take a seat and let me tell you a tale. One that includes a lost love, intrigue and lots of expletives lobbed at a poor computer.

It all started with myp2pforums and sopcasts. Third-party video clients in an attempt to stream baseball games back in the year 2009 AD. This led to forays into using Justin.tv (the pappy of Twitch.tv) and the discovery of vipsports and and watchsports.

My housemates and I would have to download the literal 1.0 version of firefox since it allowed for certain vulnerabilities in order to watch blacked out games.

Then the normalization began: streaming sites popping up like heads on a hydra. Higher and higher quality being made available. At this point, the real challenge is finding the mobile-friendly sports streaming sites.

Which brought upon the revolution and finding out about people's custom streams. Pasta. Aclee. So many others. All in full HD, on youtube, mobile and chromecast friendly. And to an extent, easy to find (proud of The Captain for learning how to be self-sustaining!).

Some would treat their stream like their own personal DJ set. During commercials they'd play youtube videos or straight up hardcore pornography. During non-tv timeouts, they'd play songs or trivia. The community would get involved and all of a sudden the streamer would become a quasi-celebrity.

For a while, it was fun to be on top. Following the right twitter users. Having access to the chat and having the url ready to send to any questioning buddy.

But this year was different. The seasonal migration lost me. The usual suspects were gone and I was left alone like so many other casuals @sking mods for the discord invite link. I felt like a lone caribou in some old 1080p Planet Earth documentary you'd watch on a physical dvd.

What a sad state of affairs we have become.

..to be continued..

Norm.

Yeah. I was all ready to send this shit out in the morning then I realized:

I forgot Norm.

So I'm going to do my best to share a couple jokes/routines you've all probably seen before but fondly remember. Norm was a dude that showed up in Adam Sandler movies and that one time in Dirty Work, had an immortal quote (in my 12-year-old brain's opinion) with, "I wanted to start smoking because I thought I'd look cool, and I did!"

And eventually carved out a space as arguably the GOAT interview guest.

Then there's his run on SNL .. which I'll just link this 30+ minute video I frankly haven't watched all of quite yet,

Can't forget about Frank Stallone either - I know I completely fuckin did:

I dunno, I miss the guy as he would live-tweet golf tournaments from behind some sort of delay that doesn't actually exist.

And little did we know, that through the last 9 years this man had been battling Cancer, ultimately to a draw.

Anyway, I'll end this segment with probably the most thoughtful comments on the passing (so far):

View post on imgur.com

We'll miss you, Norm. You had the uncanny ability to walk into a room filled with the greatest comedians on Earth and still be the funniest guy there.

Recaps!

Holy fuckin results. Half the fucking games this week came down to the absolute wire. 2 points separated the King and I. Less than a point describes Flip Flops and Scallywags. A 4-point swing where a team won despite their favorite IRL team losing.

Fucking incredible.

Fantasy. Is. BACK.

(L) 125.20 - mzarecta

(W) 155.12 - Matural Light

Well gentlemen, let's kick off this fantasy season with our first recap!

And I guess .. this ain't much of a recap.

Mahomes is fuckin crazy, but Matural Light had the ultimate answer in the human DV charge, Tyreek Hill.

Having Cooper go for 30+ and then double digits all over the place will get you that coveted: highest scoring fucker of the week. 1-0. First place. Nowhere to go but up, right?

RIGHT?

(W) 148.70 - Chubb and Tugg

(L) 111.24 - Seyton Manning

The Feeley Bargain comes into effect in the first week of the season! No kickers led to a couple of expanded rosters and .. well .. I have no fucking clue whether the end result was an advantage for anybody.

As much as Seyton is probably riding the Lamentation Express for leaving some clutch points on the bench, just remember: Chubbsy Tuggsy could have also jacked himself up for 15.70 free points.

It's mighty impressive to see that 148.7 point total despite being down two fuckin players. The handful of 20s is just fucking awe-inspiring to witness.

(W) 136.40 - I Am The Captain Now

(L) 120.06 - The Impossible Kid

Man. Talk about an all-time letdown with Aaron Rodgers. Like .. you got totally fucked out of a win because of it. So far, all the starters I've seen hit at least 20 fantasy points, and we all know Aaron is better than most if not all starters.

..at least when he starts.

Well. It used to be that way.

Dude looks like a fahken mess.

(L) 139.54 - Flip Flops & Coronas

(W) 140.58 - The Scallywags

Wow. Flip Flops had a fighting chance .. until his players decided,

"OH SHIT, WE BETTER FUCK HIM OVER. ALL HE EVER DID WAS HAVE FAITH IN US TO PERFORM WELL DURING GAMES WHICH IN TURN, PROVIDES HIM WITH GOOD FANTASY POINTS. THEREFORE, AND I REITERATE: WE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY FUCK FLIP FLOPS OVER."

Just a little editor's note: I started writing this during the 4th quarter. Epon's players ended up disappointing him even moreso with the three of them scoring zero fucking points in OT. Like .. Epon would have won if the Ravens just got into field goal range.

I'm frankly god damn shocked at how much he got fucked at the end by the 4th quarter and OT. Incredible.

(W) 132.34 - 91 Shrimp

(L) 130.60 - SCHWAAAAAAAB

First things first: the fuck. I gotta keep this stupid god damn string of characters in my pastebin, otherwise I have no firetruckin' clue how many A's are in that team name.

SCHWAAAAAAAB.
SCHWAAAAAAAB.
SCHWAAAAAAAB.

That said, I love it. Most likely because I have at least a couple transparent SCHWAAAAAAAB heads for photoshopping purposes.

Second:

I'm checking with 12:43 left in the fourth quarter of the Monday Night Football game .. and you don't even have 100 points. That should be worth like, two losses or some shit.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. A FOUR POINT SWING AT THE END OF OT LEADS SCHWAAAAAAAB TO STEAL A LOSS FROM THE JAWS OF VICTORY!

(L) 145.38 - King Tugcock

(W) 146.60 - Peepee Mahomes II

What. A. Game. It's honestly a fucking shame that someone had to lose in this matchup.

And it was really based on a series of runs. These two giants of the digital gridiron started slow before Peepee actually started making the first move with Goff, Metcalf and Mixon running up the score.

Not to be outdone, Murray, Chark and the combination of all that trash on the roster made it a competitive battle!

With the afternoon games done, Tugcock held onto a tenuous lead of 145.38 to 141.50 .. but this asshole had Darnell Mooney "Maker" and the dude was able to struggle his lazy self to 5.1 points and me to a 1.22 point win.

1.22 points.

Holy fuckin shit.

Unfortunately - and I must speak to this: my team name is painful. I gotta change it. But since I now have a win under my belt, I obviously can't. I gotta go with the mojo that the name brings. As weird and random as it is.

Anywho, I fuckin won. 1-0. I'm a fuckin GOD and everyone will cower under my .. well shit, second(?) place position!

...

Ahh fuck, third I guess? Damn people score a lot in this new format.

Fin.

Good luck this weekend, gents. Hope everyone fucks up their waiver wire, giving me a chance to clean up my absolute shit-show of a bench: extra defense, Gus, TY. Just nothing but IR and regret from starting the wrong defense.

Take care everyone. Stay safe, stay healthy, enjoy the upcoming fall, and let's fuckin rock this week 2. Hell yeah.

PS.

🤔 Curious.