week 0

Somehow, Joe has returned

Joe

05 Sep 2025 — 9 min read

Rachel, if this is you the don't worry - I'm not going to start my column back up again and totally disregard taking care of our house, working my job, and helping to raise our child.

Rest of league, helloooooo!

Buckle up, buckaroos - the boy is back in town.

And I'm back to spit hot. fuckin. fiyah.

Where the fuck were you, my guy?

As a fairly recently crowned Father of One roughly 13 14 months ago,

I have been elbow deep in doodoo
on my 75,321th rendition of Baby Shark
hit a high-score of 14 animals in Old MacDonald
slept through the night an estimated 23 times
trying to compromise with a baby on a daily basis and consistently losing
been out-smarted by said baby on average 1.4 times a day
made enemies with Robert Munsch for making me cry (fuck your "Love You Forever" book)
Studied the finer points of an over-eating caterpillar
made another enemy in children's AI books
realized that time is not just a construct, but a constantly diminishing resource that decreases ever faster as we circle our sun like the finite trip water droplets make around the ever encroaching void that is the drain

Fuckin' loving it. The other day she yelled "daddy" from downstairs and I almost fell to my death jumping down the entire flight to pick her up and hug her, during which I smelled a giant dookie in her diaper and then realized that my squeezing her was the final push her blowout needed.

So yeah, I'd say things have been absolutely perfect.

But you know what'd be even better?

Beating all of you assholes senseless in a season of the worst financially draining hobby introduced to mankind: Fantasy Football!

Sure, the intense emotion and my present frothing in the mouth might be coming from the anticipation of our upcoming season, and while it could also have been due to the god damn rabid bat we had in our fucking basement, one thing is for damn certain:

I feel a renewed sense of entitled saltiness with the Patriots distancing ever more from their past greatness. And nothing fuels my insane rantings like pure. Uncut. Salt.

With the last couple years of futility and embarrassment, I feel like the rebirth of the Fellowship of the Miserable is well underway - but in this situation, it's something I feel like I have earned and deserve. Being an absolutely miserable Masshole isn't just a new phase, it's a return to form.

And shut the fuck up about the Celtics. This is a fucking football column right here. None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop on the field, men deliver their new born baby on the side lines. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterball foosball fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. Dicks get shoved in places you don’t even remember. We win together we celebrate together. Football is back baby.

Bookkeeping

So there's a couple things I need to go through before I really get into the meat of this column again.

Images lost in time

Yeah... so when I exited Heroku, so went all my god damn uploaded column images. And boy oh boy, there were several years of them. I may have had the opportunity to download them but frankly I wasn't about to go through the effort of trying to figure that out.

So until I come up with a way to travel back in time, all those glorious hero images are gone into the wind like any remaining semblance of our collective youths.

Frequency

I know I say this often, but I swear that this year I'm going to figure out a better form of balance of,

Work
Family
Home ownership
Family
House
Rocket League (JUST LET ME LIVE WHY CAN'T I JUST QUIT YOU)
Family
Fantasy Column
Stardew Valley (it's therapeutic, fuck off)

How, you may ask?

Well, let's ask this scientician.

Frankly, the best all you fuckers can hope for is I don't just fall off the face of the Earth and turn into Mr. Mild-Mannered Dad.

Guest contributors

As per usual, if anyone else feels the need to bitch and/or moan about this absolute bitch-goddess that controls our lives between September and December in Fantasy Football, let me know. I'm more than happy to give you my username and password I use for every single online account (some call it irresponsible, I call it environmentally sound).

Ok, let's get to some fuckin football

I figure, since the NFL season started last night, I think the time is ripe for a season preview.

Easy shit.

This might be a little tricky given how little action has taken place so far in this offseason. I suppose I can always start off with the easy shit and re-post the same joke I made at the beginning of last season .. and by joke, I mean just including this image,

In all honesty, good for them. But fuck that teacher bullshit. They both have generational wealth the likes of which few rarely would ever fucking see. Teachers in this country routinely get their shit pushed in by dickbag parents as well as dickbag children whose parents have completely failed them. And on top of that, they have to spend their own money to give their kids any fucking semblance of a fun time in class.

So get that weak shit outta here, Mrs. and Mr. Swift. No one's falling for that fraudery.

Still, I'm happy for them. Sure, I hate the fucking Chiefs but I will admit I followed updates of them doing cute-ass shittery throughout the years (please spare me, Swifties).

Michael Person

SO EVERYBODY,,,

Man. Jerry is gonna be fuckin pissed when he realizes he actually traded Micah Parsons.

Also, why didn't <my favorite team> fucking trade for him?? All it took was really just 2 first-round picks? I know the Patriots don't have Belichick around to just throw them away on mediocre olinemen or wide receivers but come on. It's Micah fucking Parsons.

No Fun League strikes again

We have another new celebration banned: the "nose wipe"

Why? Can't you fucking tell? It's a violent gesture the likes of which we haven't seen since Randy Moss' disgusting act.

A-A-RON

Another season, another team. Rodgers is gettin older and his touchdown numbers stay the same. I want to say that at least they're in the lower-half of stadium beer prices so at least they won't have to spend an arm and a leg while attending games at their dipshit stadium

But I'm not going to say that because they're getting embarrassed by the rest of their division. Shit, even the god damn Bengals keep it under $7.00 which is honestly remarkable. The entire rest of the league should feel bad that cheap-as-fuck Mike Brown is lettin his fans get drunk for that price.

Belichick

Yeah that shit ain't working out for ya, is it Bill? I don't really fucking care. It's fucking college sports. Just like Arch Manning falling flat on his dipshit Manning face or Alabama sucking for the first time since social media was created, I don't give a shit because it's amateur horsehittery.

Sure sure, there's some transfer portal or something and thanks to NIL players can start getting paid. Guess how much I care: nil.

I grew up in the Northeast. It's a god damn barren wasteland of college athletics. The most I had was Marcus Camby fucking up his college career at UMass because he accepted some jewelry or something stupid like that. God forbid a player get some nice shit.

In conclusion:

Sophomore slump

So we got,

Jayden Daniels
Caleb uhh I forget
Drake Maye
Bo Nix
Mikey Penis
JJ ~~Barea~~ McCarthy

There's no fucking way that all of them show progress, and they can't all regress - so how many of them just,, gress?

Daniel Jones

Man. Thank God Irsay overdosed so he doesn't end up doing it midseason while watching Danny Dipshit absolutely stink up the Indydome with his brand of absolute dogshit quarterback play.

Some are lauding Richardson for being a good teammate and not being sour about not starting, but we all know that Jones ain't lasting long at all. May God have mercy on any soul that drafts Daniel Doubt it.

Chism

Deceptively athletic.
Classy.
Lunch-pail guy.
Scrappy, nose to the grind-stone.
Gym rat.
Intangibles.
Football IQ.
White.
Receiver.
Patriots.

Let's fuckin' go.

Dolphins

Team is falling apart. Tyreek doesn't even want to be there anymore - the man has more births over the last year than touchdowns. You have staff members chokeslamming women like the Undertaker during Hell in a Cell. There's no culture, no identity, just sticky and gross humidity. Bunch of pathetic losers.

PS. If there's a team I hate almost as much as the Broncos, it's the fehkin' Dolphins.

17-game schedule

Now. I know this isn't new this season, but I feel like I haven't given it the due it deserves as a fuckin idiotic decision by the league to continue this idiotic fucking economic trend of, "LINE MUST CONTINUE GOING UP" as if the NFL had any shortage of revenue coming in.

I don't fucking care if it means more football, we had plenty of it. And yeah sure, player safety yadda yadda yadda, fuck that it's the god damn NFL - anyone who thinks this game's violence could ever be toned down is absolutely insane. Players will only get faster, stronger, and paid more.

What fuckin sucks about the 17-game schedule is how badly it absolutely fucks over the incredible way that 16 games just ... worked.

You had 6 games for the division.
You then played another in-conference division for 4 more games.
Then you would play an out-of-conference division for 4 games.
And then bam, 2 more games reserved for in-conference teams that placed the same spot as you did the year previous

It made so much fuckin sense, and now all that shit is fucked - you get it, right?

OK. I think that covers most of it.

I doubt it, but this was the best I could come up with given an entire off-season to think of topics.

Probably could have taken advantage of the offseason to get into shit-posting shape, but I had other shit going on.

What's the worst that could happen? I tear an achilles while photoshopping? Hah, I'd like to see that.

Fin.

And just as quickly as I had returned - I'll be gone for like, two weeks. Going to Europe with the family to visit .. well .. family in Poland (with a stop in the French Riviera, hon hon hon). Pretty pumped to have all my cousins n shit meet my now-toddling toddler, Penelope.

With any luck, I'll have some time to gather my thoughts and write 1800 words about something very important like how European bread is so much fucking better than anything they have here in the states - like, by far, and don't @ me (you can simply email me).

So unless we cause any sort of international incident, it'll be pretty quiet from me until week .. uhh .. 3? With daylight savings happening, I can't keep track of which NFL week it is. However, until then, I hope everyone has a wonderful couple of weeks, may your roster choices be true and as always: may you all lose and I win.

Stay healthy, happy, and safe out there everyone. Fall is right around the corner, and that shit is the best fucking season out there - so unless you live in one of those god damn easy-mode states that have only 2 seasons or some shit, it's soon going to be time to snort pumpkin spice, freebase apple cider donuts, and get absolutely blitzed at weekly Oktoberfests.

Much love to everyone - It's fucking awesome to be back typing out this horseshit despite having no offseason to get back into shape.

See y'all in a couple weeks!