That magical moment when everyone still has hope

(and no - I don't care if I've used that image before, damn it)

What an offseason

Welp. Football is back. The Hall of Fame game has taken place - supposedly - and .. well .. I'll talk about it later.

It's been what, seven fuckin months since we last sat down together. So many god damn 40th birthdays in that span (cough cough mine was the 17th of July cough) - and to those of you who haven't experienced the glory of your fourth decade of orbits around the sun:

fuck you, whippersnapper asshole(s)

Although I have to admit, it doesn't quite feel like I've hit ye olde middle-ages. That's probably because I've had the lower back of a 50-something since 35, it'll most likely be around 43 when I Private Ryan.

But until then, I'll continue hoping for little miracles like,

• Ending up as a starting NBA player from some scout seeing my hustle during a pick-up game
• Stumbing upon some incredible code pattern that somehow no one has ever fuckin thought off before
• Becoming the first instant influencer despite my unbelievably local reach of 84 followers across five social media platforms

Although, I'll most likely continue waking up each day and facing the same reality:

So all you less-than-40-somethings out there, you better fucking embrace your forever youth. Don't you god damn dare look to the future. Stay in the now and refuse to leave.

Cherish your fucking youth.

Peepee Poopoo

That's right everyone. The 2023 NFL season is upon us. Today (August 3rd 4th) is the first NFL game of the preseason is the day after the first NFL game of the preseason and I don't know about you all, but just like most every fucking player in the National Football League,

So get your anuses ready for draft day, because we'll all soon have the opportunity to worship the glory that are each others' respective rosters:

Before we dive deeper, it's time to recognize our sponsors:

YOUR LOCAL BETTING APP

Please binge responsibly.

Now back to our regular dipshit content.

We barely knew ye

We've lost a number of people over the course of the offseason, and I'd like to ensure they while they are gone, they will not be forgotten:

Billy Football Tribute Video
by u/Twatts71 in PardonMyTake

And the rest,,,

Gratuitous yet obligatory political portion

Instead of waiting until I've lulled everyone into a false sense of security, I'm just gonna go ahead and get it all out of the way right now - here are the very personal political messages that are an integral part of this dipshit column:

OK. I think most of those statements are pretty widely accepted, and if not then: tough shit. Deal with it.

But most of all, I hope none of this shit happens to be rehashed content that y'all have already seen. I pride myself on original (stolen) content that helps drive all you assholes to return and read what the fuck else I've happened to dig up either over the week or in the deep recesses of my asshole google drive. The latter of which goes reeeaaaaal fucking deep. Like,, cavernously deep.

Welcome to my personal hell: my preseason

Everyone needs an preseason. Me included. Unfortunately, I may have just emptied a whole slew of fucking solid image content in week 0 when I could have saved all that shit for the actual regular season.

But alas, I need to learn how to properly format my markdown syntax. I need to remember how to type sentences on this word processor of mine. I need to fucking reset my god damn mother fucking password because I've seemingly locked myself out of the stupid fucking admin dashboard.

I also need to see what kind of stuff won't make it to the regular season. Sure, I have my grizzled veterans of content that for sure will be seen sometime during the season:

• Complaints about timezones
• Annual Cheese Hate Column
• Discussing some form of pop culture
• Cute animal gifs
• We're old
• Why Optimus Prime is the greatest leader in cartoon history

But there's also those obscure practice squad players that needs to get tried out:

• How much hair gel can one person eat?
• Can flat-earth theory improve fantasy defenses?
• Who exactly put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop?
• Column written exclusively in Klingon
• Damn kids today and their music

Oh. And of course, I'll talk about football and shit at some point.

I look forward to going through all of that horseshit together with you. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Oh right. The game!

Jest @ Team that's literally paying a sexual assaulter

The closest I came to watching this game was seeing it on the YouTube TV guide. However, that will not stop me from having the hottest of takes:

• A-A-RON had 0 yards and 0 touchdowns, confirming his pickup as the worst move in NFL history
• At 1-0, the Browns are right on track for their second 0-16 season in team history
• DTR > Watson and will ultimately replace him as QB1

I'm still waiting for those jokes to write themselves, damn it. I have nothing.

Fin.

Hey. That was pretty fun! Not too painful, either!

I hope folks out there enjoyed a little levity on this Friday, and it helps springboard their hunger for the next column that's coming in like .. a bunch of fuckin weeks because I have shit to do this summer.

Have a great August folks and keep your heads up and on a swivel because the draft and another spectacular season of fantasy football is right around the corner!