That was a fun, one-game winning streak

[Extremely Karl Urban in The Boys voice] Weww, weww, weww, lookit you cheeky cunts.

I told you all. Every. Single. One of you.

This new taunting rule will absolutely ruin this league.

Now, don't get me wrong, outside of hating this old piece of shit I have always, and most likely will always, hate the Giants. From the obvious 2011 and 2007, to thinking they have some sort of ownership over Belichick, to their gaht damn ancient media market claim of New England creating a whole shitload of fuckin Giants fans that passed their fandom to more New Englanders.

That's right, before the Patriots could pull any sort of weight media-wise, the Giants were the fuckin team of the Northeast. That's why that fucker running Giant Glass is a die hard Red Sox and Giants fan. That's why so many old fuckers all over this great New England Nation.

...Think they can fuckin "son" us Patriots fans.

Oh shit, wait, what was I talking about?

OH RIGHT:

FUCKING JOHN MARA

Who asked for this? The answer is Giants owner John Mara, a member of the NFL’s competition committee who said in August that he’s “sick and tired” of taunting and that “nobody wants to see a player taunting another player.” I can confirm this is not true. I want to see players taunt other players. I want to watch a channel called NFL TauntZone with no football—just defensive backs letting receivers know they’re trash and defensive linemen doing provocative sack dances.
(sauce)

Why doesn't he just go back to fucking defending his domestic abuser kicker, and barely punishing Ray Rice

He's already earned his Dumpster Fire of Wet Shit award by absolutely botching the investigation of the NFL Ray Rice case. The guy is probably the only person on Earth that thinks the NFL and Goodell did a fine job handling the Ray Rice case.

And he obviously learned a lot since he was 'comfortable' with keeping kicker accused of domestic violence.

Oh wait, did I just imply that maybe Mara was just showing support for someone being accused of a heinous act?

Because what I mean to say was,

Mara told WFAN’s Mike Francesa on Thursday that Brown had admitted to him that he had abused his wife, yet the Giants still retained him after he signed a two-year, $4 million free agent deal in April.
(source)

So yeah. Fuck this dude with a rusty, czech hedgehog.

OK. Now that I got that shit over with, let's get into some awesome shit n stuff

Shit n stuff

Some Pain. No Gain.

Tyrod: down.
Baker: down.
Tua: down.

Makes you think, really.

[hits bong]

I mean look:

Tyrod. Baker. Tua.
Tyrod.  Baker. Tua.
TBT.

And it's Week Two.

If you utilize the very popular hashtag #throwbackThursday and modify it just slightly to better fit our memery we get,

ThrowbackToTwo

Or what I can only assume is a throwback to week 2 - so there is a time in a previous season when we lost three quarterbacks in week 2.

Unfortunately I can't find any season that had all three in Tyrod Taylor, Baker Mayfield and Tua Tugalottalova start in week 2.

I gotta get myself a subscription to Stats Inc., to see whether I can extend the time window a decade or two, I'll get a week 2 with the above conditions.

If anyone out there has access to some stats api platform, let me know!

PS. I know non-qbs got hurt too, so chill the fuck out.

The Circle

The greatest reality series of all-time has a new season and I can't fucking wait for the next dump of episodes on Wednesday. I strongly recommend you all watch if you are a fan and didn't fucking even realize they were out.

If you ain't a fan, then first of all: how dare you?

Second of all, start watching season 2 (professors will be teaching about it soon enough) and don't stop until .. well, I dunno, you watch it all.

Because that's what we do to content. We binge the ever-loving fuck out of it.

Early games

Patriots / Jets

Came back midway through the ... second? quarter. Spent some days out in Wdshl.

What? That's how it's pronounced. It's spelled Woods Hole, but I swear everyone leaves off all the god damn vowels and pauses. I can't tell if it's,

Woods Hole.
Woods Hull.
Winds Hell.
Wosell.
Woodsull.

I think you get the idea. No idea why they didn't just do what most of the the cape does: possibly use a Native American word, and then end it with esset, met, or quet.

(speaking of the Cape: shoutout to Brewster! Only visited once for a High School Senior Skip Day Party - first time I had ever gotten a hangover while still actively drinking - and knew a dog with the same name. He was a fuckin awesome dog)

Oh right. A football game was also played or something. I dunno. What can I say about it ... Patriots defense looked pretty good. Zach Wilson looks like a pre-pubescent child.

Welp. That was a terrible recap.

Donkeys / Jagoffs

TLaw vs. Whatever dipshit Elway started

I'm sure it was a real great game

Panthers

The_Darnold is truly experiencing the greatest rennessain.. rennesance.. A Revival.

It's something that reminds me of perhaps my favorite nature documentary:

I hope you all enjoy following along ... from a distance.

Browns/Texans

Tyrod hurt his hammy and went out.
Baker hurt his shoulder and went out.

Eagles/9ers

I had no idea this was a game this week and only discovered it on Monday afternoon. And as you can see,

Raiders n Steeeeeeers

I should care more since daaaaaa Rrrrraaaiiidduuuhhhssss have two dominating wins behind outstanding quarterback play. Two wins against the Ravens and Steelers is pretty neato.

Looks like this new diet that Benedict Wafflesburger is trying out sucks at replacing home cooking. Fuckers win in Buffalo and lose in Pittsburgh? Something tells me that's because he actually only dieted at home and fucked his face with buffalo wings before that Bills game.

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS FUCKER:

Miami / Bills

What the fuck was this game? 35 to 0?

I'm sure a lot of it had to do with Tua goin down, but like ... the fuck? Everything I'm reading from Bills fans makes it seem like it was the least dominating 35 point shutout in NFL history.

But in reality, they made the Dolphins line look like,

Late Games

Buccos/Atlanta

Meh. It's the fuckin Falcons. Who cares?

Even my boy Brady ain't helping me give a shit.

Boys n Chargers

You know. I don't mind the Cowboys. I also don't mind the Chargers. I like Herbert. I think the Chargers have one of the most aesthetically pleasing color schemes in the NFL (with Dallas not really being any sort of slouch either).

But jesus tittyfucking christ .. I don't want anything to do with watching this fucking game whatsoever.

...until I saw the graphic: Jerry Jones was born in LA.

The fuck!?

Mr. Good ol' Boy
Mr. Glory Hole
Mr. Oil hyuck yee haw
Mr. Common Clay of the New West (you know, a moron)

Nothing but lies. Beautifully crafted lies behind an Arkansas accent.

How dare he?

Titties n Seachickens

My significant takeaway from this matchup is that Tanneyhill is back to being 2 years away from being 2 years away from elite QBship. Shame, but them's the breaks.

So like .. I wrote the above at halftime when all the fuckin stats were talking about those 52,000 wins in a row at home when the Seapigeons have a lead. Before Tractorcito fucked around and crushed the Rainy City Bitch Pigeons' and so many fantasy owners' hearts.

Chefs n Blackbirds

Wow. I don't even know what to say. Obviously I caught a lot of the Emmys for some reason. They had a pretty neato open with a tribute to Biz Markie:

Then there were some neato wins n shit. I don't really remember anything else other than Conan doin some funny shit:

However, probably the least known fact of Emmy night was that there was an outstanding National NFL Football League Monday Night MNF Game of Football going on.

It was fuckin awesome and really I don't know how to describe it. I just hope you all seen it. That is, I hope you saw it. All the fucking way till the Oweh forced fumble.

Really, the only thing that gives this game justice is to say that Lamar is carrying that city to some crazy wins.

Misc.

Pure. Pain.

Why. Why couldn't Asante just held on? Why couldn't the refs just fucking blow the play dead? Why couldn't we have just gotten one for Moss?

Why do I have to think about this stupid Super Bowl loss on average, 52 times a year? LET ME FUCKING LIVE.

On the bright side

Fuckin sexy.

Life Pro-Tip

Getting annoyed at constantly forgetting song lyrics? Do you listen to music while driving? Do you look out your rear-view window a lot?

Just put the lyrics of your favorite tongue-twisting songs on your rear window!

For example, here's someone who pasted the lyrics to REM's "It's The End Of The World" on his rear window to help him learn:

It's a great trick!

Recaps

W - 158.74 (1-1) Trinidad's Swollen Testicles

L - 127.54 (0-2) Seyton Manning

Holy fuckin shit this stupid double QB thing is stupid. Sure, it doesn't apply to this matchup whatsoever because both woefully underperformed both for their SUPERFLEX spot, but also compared to the bench.

Maybe I should save that rant for another day.

Because this week we have some fucking crazy heavy hitters. Love that we get to start with some fucking BALLS TO THE WALL BANANA ACTION

Murray with 38.10??
Jackson with 33.26??

Then while Seyton had some great sidekick performances of 20+ and a few 10+

Trinidad's Swollen Testicles* just absolutely mollywhomped that fuckin ass with double those numbers.

*Nicki Minaj's COVID-19 vaccine 'swollen testicles' claim is false, says Trinidad health minister

L - 97.42 (1-1) Chubb and Tug

W - 155.38 (1-1) The Impossible Kid

Welp.You left some points on the bench but whoooo fuckin cares. Not really sure it would have helped against that fuckin Tractorcito beast of a man.

Hmm. What else is there to say. Other than, and please bear with me, I'm not quite with it anymore,

But I believe that The Impossible Kid fuckin yeeted Chubb and Tug

eg.

W - 152.54 (2-0) I Am The Captain Now

L - 128.44 (1-1) The Scallywags

What the fuck. Cooper Kupp is that good??

Good fuckin god damn. Normally 128 points is pretty fuckin rad, but not today.

Yeah sorry, I got nothing else.

W - 135.24 (1-1) SCHWAAAAAAAB

L - 100.38 (1-1) Matural Light

FUCK, I keep forgetting to keep a running tally of the lifetime battle between you two fuckers.

From my advanced metrics, it would appear that the matchup really wasn't close ever since the early games on Sunday. Thursday had a teeny wheeny showing from Matural Light but never really stood a chance.

Shame - but that's what I love about these early season matchups, we see them again (I think? I forget if week 2 qualifies).

Oh yeah, that reminds me - the NFL season is 18 weeks now. Do we get an extra week? Have we even spoken about that?

Anyway, Carr is good. And a bunch of other shit worked out for the SCHWAAAAAAAB as well.

The End.

L - 122.78 (1-1) 91 Shrimp

W - 157.16 (1-1) Flip Flops & Coronas

Holy tits, Tom Brady is absolutely absurd. 34 fucking points?? Well no wonder, dude just feasts on Super Bowls, so he has to have some kind of fucking super power.

But yeah, Flip Flops buried 91 Shrimp before Sunday Night Football. Not all that much more to say! ON TO THE NEXT ONE.

W - 135.92 (1-1) mzarecta

L - 121.60 (1-1) Peepee Mahomes II

What the fuck.

I guess I knew my chances were fucked when I read about this dude,

Here are their winning bets:

• Washington -175
• Bears -130
• Browns -650
• Rams -190
• Bills -175
• Patriots -250
• 49ers -160
• Raiders +190
• Panthers +150
• Broncos -275
• Cardinals -190
• Buccaneers -650
• Cowboys +135
• Titans +190
• Ravens +180
• Lions +400 (pending)

source

God fucking damn what the fuck happened? I thought I was doing so fucking well and then poof.

Shit ruled. For a while. Then Mahomes n Brown tightened my butthole a bit.

Ultimately it came down to that mother fucker. Mother fucking Aaron Jones.

Anyway, I can't have hate for mza. He's so fucking cool, even in a win. Congratulations, you handsome bastard.

...

Fin.

Welp. That's all folks! Take care everybody. Stay safe and enjoy the start of fall! Time to wear any combination of clothing you want: shirt n pants, shorts n sweater, and everything in between (NO SHIRT-COCKIN)!

Fuck yeah!

Love ya dudes - good luck for the rest of the week, have a most wonderful weekend, and best of luck in this new season!

AND AWAY WE GO!