The Armies of the Unfit

With the reappropriation grace period expired

I need to go into one of the funniest fuckin moments online in recent memory.

If you don't want to struggle through my absolute diarrhea of text, then just watch:

However, if you're down for some typed word let me jump right in!

The reasonable ask

It started with a modest proposal.

The black guy in the white shirt requested the shirtless cracker to move his boat. Sure, if you knew nothing of the situation you'd probably want to know, "is it wrong to ask why the boat should be moved?" And then you'd be a dickbag. Because the black dude wasn't just some dock worker giving people a hard time - he was a the fucking assistant boat captain of the riverboat.

So of course, when those White Pontoon Pirates declined to move their little dipshit dinghy, the dude took it on upon himself to untether the boat and move it away so the riverboat could fucking dock.

And how did those Cracker-assed crackers react?

That's right. Like anyone drunk on white privilege and mostly booze would act with just beating the shit out of him.

But those pasty pontoon pirates made one miscalculation: they allowed that assistant captain to cast a summon.

And not just any summon - it's an ultimate, single-use (per uniform change) summon.

For those who may have missed it:

The hat heard around the World.

That Hat Signal led to a convergence from all over in a way unseen since the end of Infinity War,

Shit. It even had my pasty-white ass hustling to make a difference from the great white north (NOT RACIST .. well .. it's Massachusetts, so actually kinda) of New England,

Although, I'd probably either catch a stray from a participant or get my ass chased away like the only white ally getting involved (the teenager in the life-jacket),

Perhaps the most legendary of the summoned defenders of the Battle of Montgomery was one of the riverboat crew:

A man who's mythology is only rivaled bythe sheer number of nicknames (none of which I made up, all aggregated from elsewhere),

• Tyrone Lochte
• Michael B Phelps
• Aquamayne
• Scuba Gooding Jr.
• Swimbo Slice
• Sea Murda
• Bernie Mackerel
• Shaquille O'Eel
• Blaquaman
• Marlin Wayans
• Gang Starrfish
• Kofi Kingfish
• Notorious B.I.Sea
• Swimmy Hendrix
• Dock Rivers (although this feels like cheating)

.. Jesus fucking hell, there are so fucking many of these so I'll just call it and complete the current collection with my personal favorite,

• A Fish Called Wakanda

I can't imagine how fucking terrified those racist assholes were. They thought they had it all covered until they saw Gillmonger in the water and just racistly realized, "OH SHIT, THEY CAN SWIM NOW?"

Well, as one can imagine, the tides (heh) turned.

And it was incredible.

Some of the best parts were the various participating whites thinking they had full support of the randomly spawning police - but they sure learned otherwise.

Just a beautiful sight to see. One of the funniest times to be online in a long fucking time.

Season Preview

And by season preview, I'm going to dish out some of the scalding-hot takes that I've come up with stolen from the stupidest places of the internet.

• Jimmy G throws for 40 touchdowns - in Madden when he gets benched for Aidan O'Connell by week 4. Raiders miss playoffs.
• Baker Mayfield wins SEE POY
• Messi signs as a kicker week six for a desperate team
• Jets have to bench Rodgers in week 13, ride Zach Wilson like a milf to postseason
• This will be Belichick's next-to-last year with:
  ** Steve taking over Defensive Coordinator
  ** BO'B moving on after next season
  ** Jerod Mayo as the next Head Coach

Draft Recap

So much like the previous couple seasons, my record taking during the draft is comprised of maybe one sticky-note with five words on it.

Oh whoops. Four words.

But let's see what I can riff on,,

The Scallywags

1. (24) Dalvin Cook (NYJ - RB) $13
2. (26) J.K. Dobbins (Bal - RB) $19
3. (27) Kareem Hunt (Cle - RB) $3
4. (29) T.J. Hockenson (Min - TE) $22
5. (38) Drake London (Atl - WR) $17
6. (45) James Conner (Ari - RB) $19
7. (59) Isiah Pacheco (KC - RB) $14
8. (64) Michael Thomas (NO - WR) $5
9. (85) Denver (Den - DEF) $1
10. (96) Mac Jones (NE - QB) $19
11. (107) Jake Moody (SF - K) $1
12. (130) Cole Kmet (Chi - TE) $1
13. (165) Jordan Addison (k) (Min - WR) $2
14. (166) Deebo Samuel (k) (SF - WR) $25
15. (167) Christian McCaffrey (k) (SF - RB) $30
16. (168) DeVonta Smith (k) (Phi - WR) $9

The fuck am I supposed to rant about here?

I swear my internal roster storage is off by several years. I'm still shocked that James Conner isn't on the fuckin Steelers anymore - and he hasn't been for like, 4 years or some shit. Same shit as Dalvin "is" Cook(ed).

I know that since the introduction of the Superflex, the value of Quarterbacks has jumped, but the fact that Mac fukin' Jones is more valuable than Dalvin Cook, and as valuable as Dobbins and Conner .. my fuckin mind is blown.

Also, fuck man, I'm getting old. Kareem Hunt is donezo? Christ, he seemed like such a solid producer for so fucking long.

Shit. And Scallywags have Michael Thomas, too? This roster would be fuckin lights out 3-4 years ago.

I Am The ChatGPTain Now

1. (65) Khalil Herbert (Chi - RB) $3
2. (82) Miami (Mia - DEF) $2
3. (86) Antonio Gibson (Was - RB) $2
4. (108) Rashod Bateman (Bal - WR) $2
5. (117) Nico Collins (Hou - WR) $2
6. (119) Kenneth Gainwell (Phi - RB) $2
7. (123) Tyler Higbee (LAR - TE) $2
8. (124) Nick Folk (NE - K) $1
9. (131) Tyler Allgeier (Atl - RB) $1
10. (137) Adam Thielen (Car - WR) $1
11. (138) Greg Dulcich (Den - TE) $2
12. (141) Tampa Bay (TB - DEF) $1
13. (144) Jake Elliott (Phi - K) $1
14. (158) C.J. Stroud (k) (Hou - QB) $0
15. (159) Cooper Kupp (k) (LAR - WR) $39
16. (160) Miles Sanders (k) (Car - RB) $1

As you could see above, I don't have much for notes.

(Please disregard the problematic nature of any black athlete in the same sentence as "Gentlemen's agreement")

I really have to spotlight that going into 2023, this might be the wildest stat I've ever seen:

$0 in combined value at Quarterback.

Probably what pisses me off the most out of that stat is this fucking team is still going to finish with a better record than I will. And that's with players named:

• Tyler Allgeier
• Greg Dulcich
• Nico Collins
• ..well.. that's all BUT STILL. WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS??

Not really sure what the fuck happened, but this autobot drafter left $124 on the fucking table.

Seyton Manning

1. (7)  Saquon Barkley (NYG - RB) $59
2. (10) Dak Prescott (Dal - QB) $20
3. (22) New England (NE - DEF) $4
4. (41) Chris Godwin (TB - WR) $11
5. (56) Rachaad White (TB - RB) $7
6. (74) Marquise Brown (Ari - WR) $4
7. (84) Jimmy Garoppolo (LV - QB) $2
8. (87) Tank Bigsby (Jax - RB) $2
9. (118) Dalton Schultz (Hou - TE) $1
10. (132) Zamir White (LV - RB) $1
11. (142) Rashee Rice (KC - WR) $1
12. (145) Donovan Peoples-Jones (Cle - WR) $1
13. (161) Zach Charbonnet (k) (Sea - RB) $1
14. (162) Lamar Jackson (k) (Bal - QB) $26
15. (163) Tyreek Hill (k) (Mia - WR) $45
16. (164) Joe Burrow (k) (Cin - QB) $15

On the other end of the spectrum (no, not that one) we have this motherfucker with a clown-car of Quarterbacks:

• Dak
• Jimmy GQ
• Llamar
• Joe

What the fuck are you expecting to get out of this? Trade bullshittery? I can't fucking wait for your benched QBs to outscore your starting QBs every fucking week you god damn bastard.

Following my trend of being unbelievably unprepared and ignorant of NFL players going into the 2023 season, I'd like to call out the players I haven't heard dick about:

• Tank Bigsby (fuckin' rad name)
• Dalton Schultz
• Zamir White
• Rashee Rice
• Zach Charbonnet

$6 in total value kinda implies to me that no one else fuckin knows who these people are either.

PS. On a serious note, hope you had a good time with Alan - sorry I completely ghosted you on that invite, got absolutely shit-slammed at work while on-call and prepping for our 7-month long Super Bowl: the NFL season.

Matural Light

1. (3)  Amon-Ra St. Brown (Det - WR) $35
2. (4)  Cam Akers (LAR - RB) $22
3. (15) Treylon Burks (Ten - WR) $5
4. (16) Mike Evans (TB - WR) $15
5. (30) Terry McLaurin (Was - WR) $17
6. (31) George Kittle (SF - TE) $17
7. (51) James Cook (Buf - RB) $11
8. (53) Geno Smith (Sea - QB) $8
9. (62) Diontae Johnson (Pit - WR) $8
10. (69) Javonte Williams (Den - RB) $8
11. (76) Dallas (Dal - DEF) $5
12. (79) Justin Tucker (Bal - K) $5
13. (146) Bryce Young (k) (Car - QB) $0
14. (147) Tony Pollard (k) (Dal - RB) $12
15. (148) Christian Watson (k) (GB - WR) $11
16. (149) Justin Herbert (k) (LAC - QB) $15

I feel like &$17 for George Kittle is awesome value.

Bryce Young was worth zero dollars? Daaaang. Probably not a bad gamble, though - although unless you're built like a fuckin truck I dunno how good you'll do for that Carolina offense.

Thankfully, I think I know most, if not all of these players. Treylon raises an eyebrow for me, but I'm sure I knew he existed before the draft.

Nice GET with Tucker. But man, you fucked that keeper value at $5.

Equitittious Saint Dumbledong

1. (8)  Garrett Wilson (NYJ - WR) $42
2. (35) Gabe Davis (Buf - WR) $8
3. (44) Kyle Pitts (Atl - TE) $10
4. (60) Tua Tagovailoa (Mia - QB) $13
5. (63) Matthew Stafford (LAR - QB) $7
6. (66) George Pickens (Pit - WR) $6
7. (68) Jared Goff (Det - QB) $19
8. (71) Alvin Kamara (NO - RB) $13
9. (77) Courtland Sutton (Den - WR) $3
10. (88) Rashaad Penny (Phi - RB) $9
11. (99) Baltimore (Bal - DEF) $1
12. (109) Kyler Murray (Ari - QB) $2
13. (169) Jahmyr Gibbs (k) (Det - RB) $9
14. (170) Dameon Pierce (k) (Hou - RB) $8
15. (171) Rhamondre Stevenson (k) (NE - RB) $15
16. (172) Michael Pittman Jr. (k) (Ind - WR) $12

Stockin' up on absolutely mediocre QBs hopin to pick up the husk of Adam Thielen from I Am The ChatGPTain Now, huh? Quite the strategy but I respect it.

Although, I dunno where you could find room among the incredible skill positions you have with Jahmyr Gibbs, Courtland Sutton, George Pickens, or fuckin Alvin "had his crimes recorded on" Kamara.

What? Am I sounding bitter and salty? It's definitely not because I decided not to keep Garrett Wilson and now he's on this fucking team. No way. That's so unlike me.

Anyway, good luck with Rhamondrehedron. Seriously. I love that dude but I feel like Ezekiel is gonna vulture so many tiddies.

SCHWAAAAAAAB

1. (17) Kenneth Walker III (Sea - RB) $26
2. (20) Aaron Jones (GB - RB) $35
3. (23) Amari Cooper (Cle - WR) $24
4. (25) Mark Andrews (Bal - TE) $28
5. (54) New York (NYJ - DEF) $3
6. (55) Christian Kirk (Jax - WR) $5
7. (61) Jordan Love (GB - QB) $9
8. (67) Brandin Cooks (Dal - WR) $4
9. (75) Raheem Mostert (Mia - RB) $2
10. (81) Brock Purdy (SF - QB) $3
11. (89) Harrison Butker (KC - K) $2
12. (100) Ezekiel Elliott (NE - RB) $8
13. (177) Quentin Johnston (k) (LAC - WR) $0
14. (178) Darren Waller (k) (NYG - TE) $17
15. (179) CeeDee Lamb (k) (Dal - WR) $16
16. (180) Josh Allen (k) (Buf - QB) $18

Brock Purdy? Jordan Love??

Christ. Remember when the 9ers/Packers had themselves incredible games against one another with Kaepernick and Rodgers?

How the fuck was that like 9 years ago? Fuck we're old.

Anyway, as far as the rest of your skill positions, not bad. I definitely knew of that Raheem Mustard guy, but he always seemed obnoxiously underwhelming. And I base that opinion not on facts, but on complete and utter .. whatever the opposite of facts are, but also not emotion. I guess I'm basing it on whatever word came to my head first.

mzarectabot

1. (5)  Josh Jacobs (LV - RB) $46
2. (12) Keenan Allen (LAC - WR) $26
3. (19) Dallas Goedert (Phi - TE) $12
4. (37) Kirk Cousins (Min - QB) $19
5. (43) JuJu Smith-Schuster (NE - WR) $10
6. (46) Philadelphia (Phi - DEF) $4
7. (93) Brian Robinson (Was - RB) $3
8. (101) Younghoe Koo (Atl - K) $1
9. (116) Chigoziem Okonkwo (Ten - TE) $2
10. (125) Skyy Moore (KC - WR) $2
11. (126) Jerick McKinnon (KC - RB) $2
12. (133) Washington (Was - DEF) $1
13. (189) Jaxon Smith-Njigba (k) (Sea - WR) $2
14. (190) Jonathan Taylor (k) (Ind - RB) $25
15. (191) Tyler Lockett (k) (Sea - WR) $8
16. (192) Patrick Mahomes (k) (KC - QB) $26

So like, this was also an autobot drafting and it like .. kinda seems respectable. Only $11 was left. Kirk for $19 seems like a solid deal. Actually went out and fought for Josh Jacobs ($44) was also a solid move.

Shit man, even picked up Keenan Allen??

I may have never fucking heard of,

• Skyy Moore (actually maybe I have?)
• Jaxon Smith-Njigba
• Chigoziem Okonkwo

But I still think that's a god damn solid roster, and I'm insanely jealous.

Even Jonathan Taylor "Thomas" might end up being worth something if the Colts don't completely fuck him over and complete a trade.

91 Shrimp

1. (14) Najee Harris (Pit - RB) $37
2. (28) David Njoku (Cle - TE) $4
3. (32) Jerry Jeudy (Den - WR) $10
4. (33) Alexander Mattison (Min - RB) $27
5. (36) DJ Moore (Chi - WR) $23
6. (73) Derek Carr (NO - QB) $4
7. (80) Kenny Pickett (Pit - QB) $7
8. (97) Elijah Moore (Cle - WR) $3
9. (98) Tyler Bass (Buf - K) $2
10. (102) D'Onta Foreman (Chi - RB) $2
11. (106) Kadarius Toney (KC - WR) $3
12. (111) Pittsburgh (Pit - DEF) $3
13. (154) Michael Mayer (k) (LV - TE) $0
14. (155) Breece Hall (k) (NYJ - RB) $16
15. (156) Jalen Hurts (k) (Phi - QB) $39
16. (157) A.J. Brown (k) (Phi - WR) $20

Not bad. Went hard for Najee, and the Steelers are one of them teams with a young QB (who 91 Shrimp also has on his roster) that will rely on a strong run-game to make up for any sort of offensive deficiencies introduced by a rough-around-the-edges young QB.

I'd like to be the first to offer the traditional well-wishes towards Kadarius given that the dude is a walking, talking, bundle of potential who shines few and far between - like the sun in the Pacific Northwest during most of the year.

Oh shit - I totally forgot that Carr is on the Saints. Man. That team seems like it's gonna fuckin suck this season.

This cat offers its condolences.

The A.I.mpossible Kid

1. (1)  Stefon Diggs (Buf - WR) $52
2. (13) Tee Higgins (Cin - WR) $32
3. (70) Jeff Wilson Jr. (Mia - RB) $3
4. (90) Daniel Carlson (LV - K) $2
5. (95) Jakobi Meyers (LV - WR) $2
6. (103) Cincinnati (Cin - DEF) $1
7. (112) Baker Mayfield (TB - QB) $1
8. (120) Elijah Mitchell (SF - RB) $1
9. (127) Sam LaPorta (Det - TE) $1
10. (134) Allen Lazard (NYJ - WR) $1
11. (139) Kansas City (KC - DEF) $1
12. (143) Jason Sanders (Mia - K) $1
13. (185) Dalton Kincaid (k) (Buf - TE) $0
14. (186) Derrick Henry (k) (Ten - RB) $65
15. (187) Chris Olave (k) (NO - WR) $7
16. (188) Davante Adams (k) (LV - WR) $30

Another autobot team and the fucker had only .. what .. $14 left to work with after going H.A.M. for Stefon and Higgins. Sure, the only QB is god damn Baker Mayfield (who actually might be fighting for his financial life so it could offer incredible upside this season), but look at all them skill positions!

Shit man, the fuckin AI picked up two kickers? Hahaha, what the fuck. I can't spin that positively.

Eks Gone Give it to Ya

(hah nice)

1. (2)  Travis Kelce (KC - TE) $66
2. (39) Russell Wilson (Den - QB) $20
3. (47) Pat Freiermuth (Pit - TE) $5
4. (48) Mike Williams (LAC - WR) $11
5. (50) Brandon Aiyuk (SF - WR) $15
6. (57) David Montgomery (Det - RB) $14
7. (58) Jahan Dotson (Was - WR) $7
8. (91) Samaje Perine (Den - RB) $2
9. (92) Sam Howell (Was - QB) $2
10. (104) New Orleans (NO - DEF) $1
11. (110) Jamaal Williams (NO - RB) $2
12. (113) Romeo Doubs (GB - WR) $1
13. (150) Zay Flowers (k) (Bal - WR) $1
14. (151) Justin Fields (k) (Chi - QB) $13
15. (152) Austin Ekeler (k) (LAC - RB) $24
16. (153) Justin Jefferson (k) (Min - WR) $16

Look at this guy who tried hard during the draft. All that effort, and he spends $20 on Russell Wilson? What happened? Were you too drunk too early on in the draft? Wilson and those Denver Donkeys are up shit-creek this season, and it isn't because the analytics say so - it's because I fucking hate that franchise and hope it burns to the ground.

Speaking of no analysis, I there's something magical about,

Justin
Austin
Justin

All lined up like that. Maybe it's the buildup of bong resin speaking, but it's just aesthetically pleasing to me.

Same with,

Samaje
Sam

Is nice.

I like.

Flip Flops & Coronas

1. (6)  Joe Mixon (Cin - RB) $40
2. (9)  Jaylen Waddle (Mia - WR) $39
3. (11) Aaron Rodgers (NYJ - QB) $27
4. (40) DeAndre Hopkins (Ten - WR) $25
5. (42) Buffalo (Buf - DEF) $3
6. (83) Evan McPherson (Cin - K) $1
7. (94) Dawson Knox (Buf - TE) $1
8. (105) Damien Harris (Buf - RB) $1
9. (114) Jameson Williams (Det - WR) $3
10. (121) Ryan Tannehill (Ten - QB) $1
11. (128) Hunter Henry (NE - TE) $1
12. (135) Tyler Boyd (Cin - WR) $1
13. (181) Anthony Richardson (k) (Ind - QB) $2
14. (182) Nick Chubb (k) (Cle - RB) $25
15. (183) Ja'Marr Chase (k) (Cin - WR) $17
16. (184) Deshaun Watson (k) (Cle - QB) $11

Daaamn. I guess Aaron's still got it. While I'm sure if Patrick MaHamas or Llamar weren't keepers they'd be priced over-the-top, it's fairly remarkable to see Rodgers capture the high water mark for QB price this season.

I gotta give Flip Flops the early-season favorite status. This motherfucker has,

• Joe Mixon
• Jaylen Waddle
• DeAnfernee Hodgkins
• Nick Chubb
• Ja'Marr Chase

?? What the fuckin' hell, dude? Just chill the fuck out.

At least I can hold my head up high and enjoy riding on my high horse, looking down on your Deshauned roster from my spot in fucking last place.

Neon Dion DeSantis

Did you know? Ron's middle name is Dion!

1. (18) Calvin Ridley (Jax - WR) $23
2. (21) Travis Etienne Jr. (Jax - RB) $38
3. (34) San Francisco (SF - DEF) $6
4. (49) Daniel Jones (NYG - QB) $18
5. (52) Evan Engram (Jax - TE) $5
6. (72) Odell Beckham Jr. (Bal - WR) $4
7. (78) AJ Dillon (GB - RB) $6
8. (115) Brandon McManus (Jax - K) $1
9. (122) DJ Chark Jr. (Car - WR) $1
10. (129) Desmond Ridder (Atl - QB) $1
11. (136) De'Von Achane (Mia - RB) $1
12. (140) Mike Gesicki (NE - TE) $15
13. (173) Bijan Robinson (k) (Atl - RB) $23
14. (174) D'Andre Swift (k) (Phi - RB) $23
15. (175) DK Metcalf (k) (Sea - WR) $20
16. (176) Trevor Lawrence (k) (Jax - QB) $15

And here I am, coincidentally being reviewed last. Yeah sure, I came in last fuckin place last season, but my response to that is: SO FUCKING WHAT?

Just like my response when people ask:

Why the fuck did you not keep Garrett Wilson?

or,

Why the fuck did you spend $6 on a fucking defense?

Fin.

Welp. That was a struggle, but we did it.

We got one more fuckin week! Enjoy labor day, don't forget to celebrate all that labor has done for our lazy fuckin millennial asses. Thanks to laws written in blood we can (for the most part) work from home, have the 8-hour workday and 40-hour work week, enjoy our weekends, have parental leave, not have wages stolen, be paid a minimum living wage, ensure our children don't have to work... You know what, I'm going to just stop.

The struggle can be overcome! THIS CAT KNOWS!