The Power of Friendship

WE GOING IN DRY FOLKS, NO FOREPLAY THIS COLUMN,

Broncos @ Jets

OK. How are these games not starting an international incident? I'm so fucking happy I don't a shit about the London game at all whatsoever. Like, who the fuck gets up for this shit?

I've hated these god damn games ever since I lived in SF and had to struggle to wake up for a 6fucking30am game.

And for what??

Absolute fucking criminal bullshit, trying to shoehorn a god damn football game so early in the fucking morning on a Sunday. I'm sure when I was a wee college lad, I wouldn't have minded crawling from bed to my couch, blasting my brains with several dozen bong hits, and ordering a delicious breakfast sandwich from Ball Square's finest spot, Soundbites.

But I ain't no 20-year-old anymore. Fuck this fucking noise. I have fucking chores to take care of Sunday morning that I've been putting off for the previous 6 days. Fuck outta here with these garbage pail quality games.

Cards @ Colts

Indiana Jones and the Redemption Arc

Sadly for Colts fans, I think we all know how this will end,

Charge @ Dolphin

Holy shit the AFC LEast is on a historic run. Thanks to the absolutely fucking wild adaptation of 11-year-old children's pants into the closets of NFL head coaches, capri pants-wearing HC's have a blistering losing pace.

These fuckin dipshits are 1-11 right now. I mean, sure, rock that shit if you regularly attend leg day. Show off those thicc ham hocks. But these two? What the fuck, they got some twig assed slenderman lower legs.

..and yet, not the worst part of the Dolphins right now. They are a complete dumpster fire, and I'm so fucking excited to watch it happen.

Greatriots @ Saints

AWW YEAH KID. WE AHH SO FAHKEN BACK YOU HAVE NO FAHKEN IDEAR.

Snrub @ Steelers

Holy shit the Browns fuckin suck. It seriously does not matter who they have at Quarterback, it's the same god damn sad result that's produced. They truly are the Factory of Sadness.

Cowboys @ Kitties

Hell yeah, Rico Dowdle! Fuck those Cowboys.

Seahawks @ Jaggin off

I really don't care

Rams @ Pigeons

Ravens. What the fuck?

Watching this team makes me god damn nauseous. Or it's just Pooper Rush's play

Titans @ Raiders

Congrats Titans fans,

Now that your coaching search has begun, might I suggest someone who has very intimate knowledge of the ins-and-outs of your butthole division??

Bungles @ Pack

Who fucking cares.

49IRs @ Buccs

I got an inside source to let me know about a potential mid-season logo change,

Lions @ Chefs

Oof. Fuck off, Chefs. No one wants you anymore.

Bluecows @ Falcons

AHHHH HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHH FUCKIN BILLS HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

SUPER BOWL WINDOW?? HAAAAHAHHAHAHA

Brrs @ Commies

Holy fuckin shit, what a fucking game. For the last two years this matchup has ended up with a completely wild ending where one team snatches a loss from the jaws of defeat like a billionaire snatching wealth from the labor of the 99%.

Let's get to some recaps, you filthy animals

I told myself I wasn't going to go too wild with this shit. If Major League Baseball can implement a pitch clock to help shorten games, then why couldn't I work some discipline into my planning and not get carried away and vomit out 2,000+ word digital diarrhea?

Fun fact: that 15-inning game was like, 4 hours long, which was the standard length of a simple 9-inning Sox/Yanks game.

L (4-2) Matural Light
W (4-2) The Impossible Kid

Welp. It looks like The Matural just couldn't quite keep pace with his lil' bro this week and succumbed to The Very Possible Kid. It didn't come easy, and maybe if the Buffalo Bluecows didn't play like a bunch of dipshits, then Matt Prater could have booted Matural Light to his fifth win. Instead, That Kid rode the A-chane A-train to a W in no small part because the Titans are so fuckin dogshit, they made the Oakland Los Angeles Las Vegas Raiders defense look like the god damn Soul Patrol from the 70s.

Frankly, when I look over The Impossible Kid's roster it's mildly shocking he didn't do better.

• Saquon Barkley fuckin sucked sweaty balls.
• Rashid Shaheed was trash
• Jakobi Meyers .. well, he just might suck
• Garrett Wilson just wants to get off the Jets

Those players get their shit together, and the yoffs aren't just he limit for this team, they're the expectation.

L (1-5) How's ya mom and dem
W (4-2) Penix Envy

Welp. That was a fun week 5. Unfortunately How's ya mom and dem has come crashing back down to motherfucking Earf, highlighted by Pooper Rush being the physical manifestation of Baldimore's season from hell.

Speaking of hell, a pretty well-known fact is that when you're in it, you can't get the fuck out. That's the whole point. You're in hell. You go through punishment, retribution, purification, or penance (depending on your ideological beliefs). But a Mr. Reece's Pieces think he can post his way out,

Who isn't in hell would be a Mr. Envy who's got himself an Indiana Jones who's latest showings don't fuckin suck giant donkey dick, and two thirds of the incredible Atlanta Falcons offense. Although, how the fuck does Drake score just under 30 (and my beautiful Bijan the same) while Mighty Michael Penis barely tops 15? I'm sure there's a logical reason for it, but I don't have the time or energy to understand.

W (3-3) Flip Flops & Coronas
L (1-5) The Scallywags

I guess Flip Flops & Coronas had himself a decent showing of QB play if I include his bench. Sure, he messed up sending Dillon Gabriel out there over Joe ELITE Flacco, but Caleb showed up and played well. But like, Joe Burrow ain't walkin through that door, and Carson Wentz ain't it either.

And I know I haranged The Scallywags last week for this, but god damn seeing Cam Ward, Geno Smith, Jake Browning, and an injured Brock Purdy is fucking brutal. Hopefully a new coach will help Ward get a little bit better - after next week, of course - but I don't know how anything gets significantly better until Brock makes his return for the 49IRs .. which I think he won't for a while? I fuckin forget.

As far as other positions,,, uhmm.. Nice to see Kareem Hunt is still alive. I kinda forgot about that asshole.

Rhamondre kinda sucks, huh? I know the Patriots have a dipshit running offense as a whole, but dude is falling off a fucking cliff this season.

L (3-3) The Justin League
W (5-1) SCHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERB

What the motherfuck even happened here?? On one corner, you had the batshit crazy scoring SCHWAAAAAAAAAB, and in the other corner a complete fucking egg was lain by the entire Justin League.

I know I should focus on the high flying, high scoring winner of the week but it's always tough when the losing team has such a wildly horrific showing. Like, other than the 41.36 points from Herbert and Run CMC, The Justin League got 27.3 fucking points from his eight other roster spots. That's absolutely fucking wild.

Again, still twice as good as the actual, The Justice League, which sucked shit. And that's saying something - I'm about as simple as a person can get when it comes to enjoying brainless movies. I love shutting my brain down and just letting the cinematic experience drag my dumb ass through the most pointless of stories. I can't stress how fucking painful it is to sit through the equivalent of shitting a mailbox out sideways.

L (2-4) 91 Shrimp
W (3-3) mzarecta

Close matchup here, like, really close and it came down to three things:

1. mzarecta being absolutely dragged to .500 by his QBs in the past: Patrick Mahomes, and the future: Drake Maye
2. Zach Ertz showing up for the first time this season on Monday night
3. 91 Shrimp finding yet another way to get disappointed by his favorite team by Zay Flowers not even playing like a solid piece of poop

Not sure where 91 Shrimp goes from here - the roster really ain't all that bad except for one player that burned me on one of my eight fantasy teams I play every year (please help me, they each cost money, I can't pay my bills),

Davante Adams: BITCH

(I DON'T FORGIVE. AND I DON'T FORGET)

W (3-3) Neon Dion DeSantis
L (3-3) Ding Dong Pattywhack

I'm honestly in a position I don't ever remember being: I have a high-flying offense. I'm currently less than two points behind the current leader in SCHWAAAAAAAAABBY with 795.36 points. I haven't scored less than 100 points at any point this season - and while I realize this is dooming me for the next several weeks, it's really weird.

I don't make any moves.
I regret who I start.
I kinda regret who I drafted (Malik Washington?? What the fuck, Joe).

And yet, I'm in it every single fuckin week. Big fan of this situation, although I seriously have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

Ding Dong Pattywhack, I'd be remiss if I didn't at least comment on ... ahhhh ...

[throws random dart at wall]

Ahh yes, Michael Mayer - perhaps the quintessential Halloween season player! Definitely ups the spooky factor of your team. Having the Browns defense which includes Garett, which includes his extra-spooky halloween decorations is simply 😙👌

Fin.

Buckle up my friends,

Last weekend, an old high school friend of mine invited myself and [borat voice] my wife to a post-nuptial party in Boston. Attending were a handful of old high school friends who since we all graduated a hundred million years ago, I could count on one hand the amount of times I had seen them in person. And I have to admit, I got hit so hard by nostalgia I literally was seeing through time - it was roughly 25 years into the past, but through time nonetheless.

It was really fuckin awesome. I've been privileged to meet a lot of people in my life, and many of them I consider friends, and a pretty decent number, the greatest of friends. I have so many memories spanning a lot of locations and events, none of which I would trade for anything. For whatever reason, I find it really hard to keep up with folks, and throughout the years, I feel like my connections to a lot of people I truly love and care about keep getting pulled thinner and thinner like the mozzarella from a slice of cheese pizza straight out of the oven.

One of my greatest fears is that the ever thinning connection will just break, and that will be the end of that. As I remember each cherished long-term memory, there is no one around to ensure its integrity remains intact. The more I try to remember those good old times, the more those memories corrupt and instead of being about the original event, they become influenced by what I remembered the last time they were recalled.

Well, if one thing proved true this weekend, it is that it's never too late to grab another slice of friendship and enjoy those cheesy connections again. For those 2.5 hours it almost felt like no time had passed. These dudes were just how I remembered them, and I hope I was the same to them. We shared some great memories, and were able to get caught up learning about each other's families and lives. Shit, I even got the honor to meet some of their really fuckin awesome friends and wives. I got to put some faces to fantasy teams, and it was all truly wonderful.

To bring this back to the reason you're all fucking here: this fucking dipshit column - I have to admit, as bad as I am at fantasy football and find the bitching, moaning, and vulgarity therapeutic and soothing, one of the biggest reasons I keep this going is because I find it one of the few ways to keep up with all of you out there.

Y'all are some of the best friends I've made, and with how infrequently I get to see everyone, I'd like to think that for one fleeting moment, we're all hanging out together shooting the shit - and like old times, no one can get a word in because I just won't shut the fuck up.

I really want to thank our Glorious Commissioner for that invite like, 15 fucking years ago or so. At first I was filled with pride to carry on a glorious Polish tradition of being complete and utter fantasy cannon fodder, but eventually as we all started moving further and further apart, Kingshead being a distant and hazy memory, the bachelor parties slowly started dying down, I really started appreciating the time of year a handful of us hop on a Google Meet and talk football.

So take it easy dudes, enjoy your week 7. Much love to you all, and I'm glad that y'all never hesitate to send out an email with whatever dumbassery comes to mind. Keep them coming, I know I enjoy every one.