There's nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend
Sandy pigeons
Let's start the season halfway point down in Sunny Mee-ah-mee where the Dolphins are doing their best impression of big fat honkin' boobahs in that they are made to absolutely suck. Tua Isuckallovah is back in rare extremely common form, playing like absolute trash.
I'm so god damn psyched for the three remaining Miami Dolphin primetime games we have.
The Baldimore Ravens appear to finally be back in their absolutely horrifying form to close out the second half of the regular season before they turn back into some sort of pumpkin and choke away another playoff loss.
Flacceux Can't Deux It All
Let's travel on up to the new Factory of Sadness in Cincinatti where those home fans were able to witness two of the most gut-punch losses anyone in the entire history of the NFL had the privilege of experiencing.
Zac "The Fool Man" Taylor is one sad sack of shit after going from a Super Bowl appearance to whatever you would want to call this atrocity of a high school defense. All that miserable fuckin Bengals team had to do was tackle. They managed to scrape together one miracle in an onsides kick recovery, only to piss it completely away after Caleb Williams the sack of shit bears tried to do so themselves.
McCarthyism is alive and well
I swear I caught some of this game.. And it was a good one? Lions fought hard, but the Vikings .. the Vikings uhh. Oh who fucking cares. Blah blah blah, Gibbs and Montgomery sucked.
...
You know what, this week ain't it.
Real life decided it was time for the v-tek to kick in and now I'm absolutely jacked to all hell with work to keep my ass blasted when I'd usually be trying to steal some time to write.
Then of course there's this whole family thing I have going on, that now includes a second bun in the oven (girl #2) that also demands attention.
No, I'm not quitting midseason like Antonio Brown, you don't have to worry about any attempted murder charges and having to extradite me from a country that actually has no extradition treaty with the USA, they simply just got tired of his shit. I just have way too many fuckin things in the oven right now and need to make this week a little more brief.
[writes 1500 more words because this is an addiction]
Only six fucking innings??
Anyway, best I can do this week is rant and rave about how despite the amazing World Series that we just saw, the Dodgers fucking winning means that the owners have what they need to demand a salary cap - something that that most powerful union on Earth will oppose. And so we may just get a fucking player's strike, which means we ain't getting 162 games next season.
Shit man, we might get another no-World-Series. That fucking sucked in '94, and it's going to be an absolute disaster now given how exciting baseball just got for so many sideline fans. Incredible playoff runs, awesome storylines, dipshit teams rising from the ashes to make deep postseason runs, and of course, the incredible Shohei.
Actually. I need to talk about this Shohei guy. Yes, what he's doing is incredible. He's probably the greatest Baseball player any of us will ever see, and possibly, the greatest to ever play at this point. What he's done as a pitcher and hitter is legitimately unbelievable. His 50 steal, 50 homerun season was fucking bonkers.
But I need to talk about that NLCS clinching game where he pitched 6 innings, struck out 10, gave up only 2 hits as well as slapped 2 dongs and 2 doubles.
I think all those numbers are fucking incredible, and if a pitcher just did the pitching portion and a hitter did the hitting portion, we'd be talking about the performance for a long time...
But like,,, 6 innings? Why the fuck is this considered a laudible number? I fucking hate how 6 innings is now something that's praised and loved. It's fine. It's serviceable. It gets you through 2/3rds of the game and hopefully the relievers can get through the three remaining innings and give that starter the win.
But fuck man. It's frankly the minimum.
You want to impress me as the starting pitcher? Go at least 7 innings. You go 7, and maybe you have a killer closer that takes 6 outs, and bing bang boom, that shit will tickle my balls and impress me. Otherwise, leave that 6-innings out of the fucking headline.
Frankly, I feel like I've been scarred by a certain pitcher the Red Sox had that put up statistically an incredible season all those years ago:
Dice K.
In 2008:
- he went 18-3
- 2.90 ERA
- 5.4 WAR
- 4th in Cy Young
But the motherfucker had zero complete games. And on average, 5.76 innings per start. That fuckin guy constantly would go at most 6 innings and change before getting his ass pulled. That shit drove me nuts. In my eyes, it makes that 18-3 and sub-3 ERA so much less impressive because he would barely have to go through the batting lineup more than 3 times, if that.
I enjoyed his tenure, and was psyched he captured a ring the year previous in 2007 - but I was always so fucking frustrated at that paper tiger. Frankly, I thought he was kind of a fuckin fraud because of how early he kept getting pulled.
Just to get an idea:
- 6.2 innings (3 times: 4/1, 4/8, 5/17)
- 7.0 innings (3 times: 4/30, 5/10, 8/13)
- 7.1 innings (2 times: 7/7, 7/22)
- 8.0 innings (1 time: 8/29 - data is truncated but available elsewhere)
Motherfucker went over 6 innings nine times (31%). And only hit that golden number of 7+ six (21%) times.
Fuck, just looking at this shit again got me all worked up again.
MAYBE IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME WORKING ON YOUR DIPSHIT GYRO BALL, YOU'D HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HIT 200 INNINGS FOR THE FUCKING SEASON.
Anyway, in conclusion, ABS is going to ruin base stealing in Baseball.
Recap dat ass
L (4-5) mzarecta
W (5-4) The Impossible Kid
Two teams entered week 9 at .500 and only one team left with a win...
is a horrible fucking sentence to start off this recap with, jesus christ. What the fuck was that shit?
The only thing worse was possibly Patrick Mahomes' performance.
No actually, probably Keon Coleman's pathetic 2.70 points.
Oh nope! Actually it was Darnell "Paul" Mooney with a performance you didn't have to be the incredible Negrodamus to predict. Fucking Darnell Mooney is such a fucking dickhead. I'd call him more obnoxious to deal with week-to-week than AJ Brown, but it kinda seems like Brown legit just hates fucking football. He's just in the sport to be as petty as fucking possible.
Anyway, Jakobi Meyers fuckin sucks.
L (3-6) Ding Dong Pattywhack
W (7-2) SCHWAAAAAAAAAB
Holy fuck when it rains it pours, and Ding Dong Pattywhack is stuck in a downpour of piss without an umbrella:
- Jordan Love is a fuckin bum
- Jahmyr Gibbs is a fuckin bum
- Tua is a fuckin bum
How in the ever-loving fuck did he manage to make this even remotely close? I mean, that Kyle Mugwai guy for Chicago was pretty solid, but come on.
You just can't compete with a roster that got half of his 122 fuckin points from his two asshole Quarterbacks. God damn this Superflex is fuckin nuts - and it only makes it so much harder when YOUR FUCKING QUARTERBACK DISLOCATES HIS ELBOW (yes, I'm making this about me).
When you get 60+ points from Josh Allen and Sam Darnold, it doesn't matter that you Kamara is busted. Or you get garbage from George "Little" Kittle or Wil "K"lutz. Or that Bam Knight is .. well.. Bam Knight.
L (5-4) Flip Flops & Coronas
W (6-3) Penix Envy
Holy fuckin shit what an output. Penix Envy just took a 77-point combined showing from Flip Flops & Coronas' quarterbacks, turned that sumbitch sideways and just kinda .. stuck it up his ass. Absolutely fucking disgusting 170 point showing.
In a great move to stunt any sort of advantage Flip Flops may have had by starting the opposing QBs from the Bengals/Bears shootout, Mr Penis had Tee "hee" Higgins going. That 29+ point showing basically nullified all of Joe "ELITE" Flacceux's 36+ points. Absolutely diabolical.
I even tried to do some quick-maths in my head to see if maybe a different roster would have won it for Flip Flops but I still think he would have fallen a handful of points short. Fuckin wild shit.
Everything kinda just went Dickball Envy's way: especially with Drake London grabbing that third tiddie, but the kicker missing the extra point, so his incredible performance didn't even get in the way of rooting for the favorite team.
W (5-4) The Justin League
L (2-7) The Scallywags
Sadly, despite Kayshon going out early in the game, The Justin League still was able to have a Boutte-licious outcome and grab that fifth win and keep himself in the playoff hunt.
And how did he manage to do that? Why, the three-headed monster of Justin "Mr. Madison Beer" Herbert, Run CMC, and Action Jaxson Dart. Justin Jefferson did OK, but god damn, he is just so underwhelming this fuckin season. Sure, he's hit double digits in most every game this season (I'll round up his 9.6 showing in week 2), but seriously he is not producing near anywhere he should be this season.
The Scallywags got .. 30 FUCKING POINTS FROM GENO SMITH?? What the fuck? 4 touchdowns!? What the fuck even happened there, how does that happen?? The Raiders and Geno especially fuckin suck this season. Looking at his 2025 game log is like staring at train derailment or something. It's pure fucking tragedy.
Speaking of tragedy, motherfucking Ka'imi went down swinging - 18 points for a kicker is outstanding, shame it's gonna be the last showing for a while with his injury.
W (5-4) 91 Shrimp
L (3-6) How's ya mom and dem
OK. This might actually be the closest outcome I've ever seen in the 10+ years I've been doing this shit. How the fuck - 0.12 points? Good fuckin lord.
I frankly can not fathom losing by such a margin - that's why I, a very intelligent person, takes care of my own mental health by losing by as much as I can to ensure there's no way that I'm stressing out and shortening my lifespan by constantly checking the matchup.
Give it a try! Just fuckin suck at this shit, I know it seems difficult, but it's actually very simple!
I feel like this matchup didn't even have to be this close, except that Jacoby Brisskett and Maserati Marvin are the sole reasons for it. I don't know about you fellers, but frankly the only Cardinals that mean anything are the ones based in St. Louis. The fuck would a cardinal even be doing in Arizona unless they're part of the church and most likely diddling some kids??
L (3-6) Neon Dion DeSantis
W (6-3) Matural Light
You know, I thought I was going to sneak a win by thanks to a misstep from benching Dowdle and a very, very underwhelming performance by Jonathan Taylor.
..how silly was that assumption, eh? I should have realized I never stood a chance after Matural Light once he topped 100 points because I god damn fucking cursed myself by bragging about how much I keep finding myself scoring.
Second straight week without scoring 100, and had to deal with one of my better running backs going out and now my god damn fucking keeper quarterback dislocating his fucking elbow.
Fin.
Welp. I was hoping I wouldn't have to sacrifice levity for the sake of brevity, but it looks like I ended up the opposite: another long, rambling column that wasn't that funny.
But oh well, if you made it this far that means you fuckin read it anyway, so haw haw, fucking got you, bitch.
And in case it wasn't bad enough, we are now officially halfway through the NFL season, which means the awful games are really truly going to be absolutely dogshit to watch because teams are really going to be completely out of hope at this point, and it's only going to get worse.
But hey, at least the holidays are coming up, right!? Everyone loves dealing with worsening weather, less sunlight, seeing problematic family members, and trying to meet gifting expectations! So buckle up fuckers, shit's gonna get wild.
Unless your plans are ultimately cancelled like so many thousand other travellers this holiday season.
Either way, stay safe, stay warm (or cool depending on wherever the fuck you are), and see y'all next week on this same channel.
Much love.