These are hard to come up with
The Greatriots Rise
INSUFFERABLE LEVELS ARE RISING TO UNSUSTAINABLE LEVELS
Let's fuckin gooooo. A little messy of a game, but who doesn't enjoy a little slop?? A win is a win!
¡Dios Mio, Los Delfines!
Me? Tune in to a 930am game to watch these two fuckin teams??
Carolina Cats
I honestly can't fucking tell if I should give a shit about either of these two teams. The Falcons are just a frustratingly inconsistent team that's loaded with incredible talent between Bijan al-Gaib, Drake "some great britain joke" London, and Kyle "do we care about" Pitts.
But those Panthers? Maybe...
Blue Cows Ride On
This asshole runs for 3 tiddies, tosses 3 tiddies, and has a couple of the worst interceptions possible. Josh Allen is a fuck riddle wrapped in an enigma with a rocket arm and built like a tank.
Ewwwww, who fuckin cares
Blackout Bears
THE BEARS ARE IN FIRST PLACE???
Holy shit, poor Vikings fans. You had Sam Darnold and Kirk Cousins, and while they aren't exactly world beaters, they were consistent enough to grab a bunch of dubs for the team.
Unlike JJ AKA Nine. He stinky doo doo.
Packpackpackpack
Ahhh. Hmm. I guess the better team won, but god damn did I really wish I could have witnessed a Jameis win.
Instead, we got a quintessential Jameis loss.
I'm struggling to find any sort of memery because any/all NFC East content are complaints about motherfucking Kevin Patullo. I didn't even fucking know that human existed.
A Second Spitter
I ain't sharing the video of Chase, because holy shit he hokked up a loog like I've never seen. God damn nasty shit.
So instead, I'm going to just show a dramatization of Mr. Washington going H.A.M. on the Bengals D,
So Bengals, how's the outlook for the rest of the season look?
God Loves Jags
Sham Darnold
Stick to baseball, Cards
I ain't got shit for this one. Who fucking cares. It's the NFC West. Those teams are so fucking far from me. East Coast bias for life.
Shadeur Legacy Game
Shadeur is most likely starting in week 12 and will be the 42nd fucking quarterback starting for the Browns since 1999. That's 2.6 QBs per season making a start for the Browns - and that's with four seasons with fucking Baker Mayfield. Although he missed 3 starts in his rookie year and 2 starts in his fourth year.
I refuse to Bo-Lieve
Oh shit, the Broncos won?
I hate the Broncos, and them losing would help the Patriots' AFC seeding. But also any loss for the Chiefs helps the Belichick/Brady legacy. I honestly was in a real tough spot for this game, I hope you all can understand that I'm feeling a bit emotional now.
OK, that feeling is over, time to rag on the dipshit Chiefs,
IGGLES FLIGH HI
So, I do my best to follow the NFL as a whole, but it's really not my job or significant [matt] forté since you know, I'm a dad of one, a job-haver, suffering from a crippling Fabergé egg addiction, while waffling between pride and regret being a homeowner.
So as part of my ever-learning experience, I've learned about a Mr. Kevin Patullo.
How?
Through memery, of course,
And how are Eagles fans handling being 8-2 and #1 in the NFC?
Some would say there are two types of Eagles fans:
And don't think the Lions will get out of this recap portion with just a loss on their record. Those motherfuckers shatted the bed with such a fury, the fans of the Motor City had their dongs spinning like the wildest lemon party you'd ever seen.
Dem Boys
I do not fuckin care about this snooze-fest.
Recapulations
W (9-2) SCHWAAAAAAAAAB
L (2-9) The Scallywags
The Josh Allen Experience claims yet another attendee.
RIP The Scallywags, despite your best efforts with Trey "three" McBridge and Brock "you like a Hurricane" Purdy, you also unfortunately had motherfucking Geno Smith.
On the bright side, at least you know where you can point your finger:
Shout outs to Tetai...tittay...tetairoa, puke uh, and ceedeez nuts.
And of course, Geoge "is not really all that little" Kittle.
L (5-6) mzarecta
W (8-3) Broken Penix
Busted Dong really kinda fucked mzarecta up. Kinda tough to pick out any superduper performers outside of TreVeyon "My Wayward" Henderson.
Really, it comes down to players I'm just disappointed with.
Llamar shit himself again. Don't understand what's up with that guy's butt. Just doesn't have the security one needs.
Amon-Ra fucked up like he was facing Apophis. He better hope that some other Gods show up and save his ass again.
Mike Penis (ha ha).
A.J. Brown,,,
W (5-6) How's ya mom and dem
L (7-4) Matural Light
How's ya mom and dem?
PRETTY FUCKIN GOOD. IN 5TH PLACE AND 4-1 IN THEIR LAST 5.
Sure, he's kinda gettin completely fucked up by injuries:
- Josh Jacobs: Dead.
- CJ Stroud: Dead.
- Marvin Harrison Jr.: Dead.
- Omarion Hampton: Still dead.
BUT THE FUCKER STILL PREVAILS. And shit, talk about capturing handcuffs - he has Emanuel Wilson who will be stepping in for Josh Jacobs. Good luck, and may the knees be blessed.
Now. Matural Light. You sadly didn't make the right moves to surive your Jonathan "Tim the Toolman" Taylor-less week, but that doesn't mean the big badass won't help carry you towards more wins for the rest of the fantasy season.
But you gotta stop fuckin up.
Sadly, I don't know how you go about doing that because who the fuck actively puts their trust in Bryce Young? That motherfucker scored like, 15.96 points in 4 god damn weeks. And he barely ever tops 20 points. So instead, you have to depend on Baddie Trevor Lawrence? Woof.
L (5-6) The Justin League
W (7-4) The Impossible Kid
First off, have fun in Malaysia. Hopefully that shit will take your mind off the fact that you had a legendarily awful showing by your roster. You fell short by almost 50 whole fucking points from your god damn projection.
All time disappointment from the Justin crew. Even Emeka Egbuka was more Emeka Bigboo
Without a fucking PEAK performance from Run CMC, The Justin League would have been left in a smouldering pile of wet baby shit.
Now. The Impossible Kid. That's a performance that you could set your watch to. Sure, Jared was more Goof than Goff, and his stable of Wide Receivers were fucking trash, but that doesn't matter when you have De'Von "A-Train" Achane and Prescott Dakin' down the competition.
7-4 despite a highly talented IR roster is pretty great. Now all you have to do is survive a couple more weeks, and then the second season begins.
L (5-6) 91 Shrimp
W (4-7) Ding Dong Pattywhack
Oh. So 91 Shrimp is the lucky bastard that grabbed Michael Wilson .. AND HE DIDN'T EVEN START HIM?
Sure. That wasn't the difference between a W and a L but god damn it would have at least looked a lot more respectable.
And obviously, if there's one thing I believe should be held to the utmost regard in Fantasy Football is respectability. That's why I pick and choose only the most organic and artisinal language for my columns.
But enough about fuckin losers, all hail Ding Dong! What a win despite your constant need to self-hamstring yourself by starting the incredible talent in Tagovailoa. Incredible resilience to overcome a hinderance only you have yourself to blame for.
Truly, you are a symbol of perseverence in the face of all odds and Tua deez nuts.
W (4-7) Neon Dion DeSantis
L (5-6) Flip Flops & Coronas
I really have nothing much to say here. I'm fuckin pumped to pull out the win, and I have no one else to thank more than the incredible Bijan al-Gaib,
And then maybe a little danke to Mariota and Mayfield, but really, it's tough to be all that happy as I chase .500 for the first season in years while dragging along that absolute fucking asshole Ashton Jeanty. The fuck dude, you were supposed to be the next great young arby. You fuckin' suck.
Well whatever.
At least I'm not suffering from some awful injury shenanigans like Flip Flops & Coronas. Yeah sure, he's still in 6th place in the standings, but with Ja'Marr out next week, Sam LaPorta Potty being dead and gone (I don't even remember when he hurt himself), Joe Flacceux showing his age, Tractorcito about as consistent as the quality of drugs at a frat house, and Nick Chubb being softer than wet toilet paper, I feel like it may take a higher being to carry this team to the fantasy postseason.
That said, I've been wrong before .. like, about most everything. Especially with regards to fantasy football. So who knows.
Fin.
One more week behind us, and we are that much closer to the end of yet another regular season.
But also, one more week closer to the start of the mother. fuckin. playoffs.
Awwwwww
Yisssss
I almost can't fuckin believe it, this time just kinda god damn flies by. It seemed like just yesterday the Patriots fuckin sucked, losing to the god damn Raiders and then fumbling 18 times against the Steelers. Now Drake Maye's all grown up, Cardi B is the Patriots first lady, Jayden Daniels looks to be the third best QB drafted last year, Bo Nix is the new Tebow, and still no one remembers the Titans.
As excited as I am to see what 2026 brings, I truly can not wait to first see what's in store for the rest of this year. We don't have all that much time left with Thanksgiving right around the corner and Joe Burrow returning to save the late game. Soon, we'll be getting Saturday NFL, and then before you know it, the NBA starts up and just as time continues to chug on, so does the sporting seasons.
Good luck in week 12 everyone - see y'all at this same time and place for some semblance of a column before/on/after Thanksgiving. God knows what it'll look like, maybe it'll be a sentence, maybe just a random video, but content is content.
Take care everyone, stay safe, and stay warm .. or cool.. whatever you want, I'm not your dad.